Hola folks;

Well, the carnage from my LAST column was interesting. On the positive side, I got dozens of Thank Yous, Virtual High-Fives, and two proposals of marriage. On the negative side, no less a personage than "Bonestein" took it upon himself to flame me right here in the halcyon corridors of the OO Message Boards.

At least I think he was trying to flame me; his incoherent ramblings could just as easily have been directed at his dog, Enron, or the Loc Ness Monster. Dontcha just HATE IT when some pinhead sucks up the nerve to write a nasty message regarding you, and the best insult they can come up with is "fucking tool"? Ah, the pallid nature of American cursing…

Possibly the most interesting messages I got, however, were from the guys who run TheSmartMarks.com.

Now, I'll admit that I slagged them pretty hard in my last column, and frankly, I wouldn't have been surprised had they called me a "fucking tool." But instead, they attempted to reason with me. Normally, this wouldn't work, as I do my best to avoid being a reasonable individual. This time however, I sorta felt like I owed them a chance to be heard. Thus, next column, I'm printing both their messages, without any wiseass editorial commentary by Yours Truly.

Now, ON WITH THE SMARKIES!

Good to know that wrestling isn't the ONLY area where Torch Contributors are All-Knowing, and the rest of us are morons.

"I ... somehow voted for just about every single candidate who ended up losing. Man, how depressing were the results across the Nation? It’s almost as if the people in this country want it to turn to shit. "

-Derek Burgan, Torch Contributor (Note: Derek's "ripped from the headlines" article was the best thing the Torch has published in the past two years. He’s also a seriously cool guy.)

It's a good thing that they're not Triple H Marks like *I* am.

The Torch ran four articles this week devoted entirely to Triple H.

Not that they’re obsessed with him or anything.

The Torch ran three “alternate perspectives” of this week’s Raw, all of which focused on Triple H. Triple H did not appear on this week’s Raw.

So does that make him "HGHGHGHGH"?

Torch writer Tony Marshall referred to HHH as "Triple HGH".

He then referred to Helen Keller as "that deaf bitch" and Christopher Reeve as "The human tree stump".

Tony Marshall then referred to Helmsley as "Cripple H".

True, if the vast majority of fans are pea-brained mongoloids...

"I speak for the vast majority of fans".

-Tony Marshall, the Torch

...and speaking of pea-brained mongoloids...

(Regarding the Smarkies) "If he ever popped in on this board, he would see that most people do not believe that HHH is the devil (well, until this week's Raw). I don't know where he gets his info from, but it's ridiculous. What a fucking tool. "

-Bonestein, who apparently believes that I base the Smarkies on Online Onslaught. (Note: This is the only time I have ever quoted anything from the OO boards.)

But then, CRZ "retires" more than Chuck Norris in a buddy-cop movie.

CRZ announced his retirement from recapping.

How nice of them to marry each other, thereby insuring that only TWO people will be eternally miserable instead of four.

CRZ mentioned that he was going to marry “Bitchfactor”, who helps co-host his website.

Next week on Online Onslaught: CRZ recaps his honeymoon!

CRZ mentioned several more details of his life, including his living arrangements and how far he's driving to get laid.

The Torch: Your one stop source for useless information.

"WWE gives indications that Austin return isn't expected"

-Torch Headline

There's just no fooling some people.

"Once again, they tried to convince us that Shawn Michaels's interview was via satellite from San Antonio. Please. That trick never works."

-Jacob G, the Torch

I'm assuming there's some sort of Moron Club out there that requires you use the phrase "Cripple H" at the Torch before they approve you for membership.

" Of course the show had to end with Cripple H flexing before the heel-jobbers."

-April W, the Torch

“RVD vs. Michaels next week should be good, provided Crippled H doesn't run in and ruin everything like usual.”

-Joe Chiv, the Torch

(Note: Much as Scott Keith can't figure out if folks with "Game Over" signs believe that they've come up with something original, I find myself wondering if the cheesedog-bloated geeks who use the term "Cripple H" really think they've come up with something witty and unique. Folks, you're quoting Tom Zenk, for heaven's sake. That's like quoting Sloth from "The Goonies" and thinking you're clever for doing so.)

And speaking of Sloth...

"If you’re a ‘worker’ you don’t get ‘hurt."

-Tom Zenk, explaining that REAL wrestlers never get injured, unlike pussy NON-wrestlers like Chris Benoit, Rhyno, and Kurt Angle.

NEWSFLASH- Pro Wrestling Fan decides that it’s okay to stop watching if you’re not being entertained!

"I am on the brink of turning away from Raw indefinitely and sticking to Smackdown and NWA-TNA. And if Smackdown doesn't continue to provide excellent wrestling and an entertaining product, then I may turn away from WWE completely."

-Angel Mendoza, the Torch.

Maybe the trick is to actually be a FAN of the other talent.

“I am so sick of Triple H that it's not even worth sitting through his ridiculous diatribes and his matches just to see those other talents in action.”

-Angel Mendoza, Triple H Mark

Special “Pull your head out of your Puroesu” awards

ITVR member “Shocker2k” advised his fellow board members that they couldn’t be fans of wrestlers like Edge unless they justified it to him by using the Socratic Method. No, I’m serious here.

Mini Editorial:

A Torch columnist wrote me recently and said “It’s obvious that Triple H is killing Raw. Just look at the ratings.”

Did he have a point? Yes. On his head. Here are the facts- WCW went out of business without any help from Triple H. ECW also managed to go belly-up without any aid from the Game. Raw ratings had been in the toilet way before HHH moved to Monday nights. The point that Smarks refuse to acknowledge is this: Wrestling was a fad for a while. Fads fade with time.

Next week, something different. I’m gonna devote the Smarkies to the INTELLIGENT things people are saying across the net. If I can find enough to fill a column, that is.