Here are the lessons that you'll learn from the Torch. Memorize them and use them well, and you too can become the most respected of Net Smarks- the HHH Bashing Smark!

1-Remember, if something is Bad, Triple H caused it. If something is Good, Triple H had nothing to do with it.  
For example: Triple H is responsible for Jericho being a short, marginally talented perennial midcarder. However, Triple H is NOT responsible for Jericho being the first ever Unified World Heavyweight Champion. Triple H is responsible for Jeff Hardy being a creepy Raver with no Mic skills. Triple H is NOT responsible for Jeff Hardy being the world's first 89 lb I.C. Champion.

2-Keep in mind that HHH never, ever Jobs.  
And if he does job, it doesn't count. For example, Triple H jobbed the I.C. belt to Jeff Hardy, but it doesn't count, because Triple H is holding Jeff Hardy down.

3-Lie. 
That's right, just outright lie. Say things like "Reports say…" but then never give a source for your magical "report".

4-Remember, everything HHH does is Evil.  
Even if he's right. So let's say that HHH points out that having John Cena slap Vince would make Hulk Hogan look like a pansy and destroy an upcoming PPV match between Hogan and Vince. Normally, saving an angle would be a GOOD thing, right? But not if it's HHH. If it's Hunter, then it's Evil.

5-Claim that Foley "Made" Triple H.  
Forget the fact that Foley was a fat Jobber with a skill for falling off things. Forget that Foley had a LOT of matches with a LOT of guys, and none of them became Triple H.

6-Do a lot of name calling.  
It makes you look Intelligent. And witty.

7-Bring up the fact that HHH is friends with Kevin Nash.  
Don't try and explain what this might mean. Just say things like "What else do you expect from a friend of KEVIN NASH."

8-Invoke the Holy Smark Godhead of Chris Benoit and Eddy Guerrero.  
A lot. For no reason. As though it meant something.

9-This is the most important rule of all- never, under ANY circumstances, mention anything that actually occurs inside the ring. 
As a professional HHH basher, you're not interested in wrestling. You're interested in rumors. Lies. Conjecture. Conspiracy Theory. You're the Oliver Stone of net smarks, willing, indeed EAGER to fabricate entire fantasy worlds around absolutely anything related to Triple H. That episode of the Weakest Link? He won it because Stephanie threatened to fire anyone that voted him off. U.S. can't find Osama bin Laden? Triple H is hiding him. The crazier the theory, and the less actual proof to back it up, the better.

And with those rules in mind, it's on with the Smarkies!

More proof that eating paint chips really IS harmful.
"I wonder if that boot-licking prick Triple H gave the same speech to his Clique buddies (Nash, X-Pac, and Michaels) that he gave to the boys at that meeting about showing up early to a show, watching everything on the show (no evil card or Nintendo playing allowed), and staying until well after the show is over (three things no Clique member has ever done in his life) in addition to working every match hard even if it means getting injured (X-Pac might not like that one, but he does not have to worry about it since he is -permanently on the injured list with a hang nail and severe menstrual cramps). "
-Matthew Alan Roberts, an angry, bitter little man who has apparently never heard the term "run on sentence"

Of course, you were bitching about him even when he was at full health and turning out 5 Star matches, now weren't you Wade?
"Triple H isn't the right person to be giving pep talks, either. After he gets through a full year without a muscle-bound related injury, after he works a full house show schedule for a few months, after he returns to having good main event matches, and after he actually successfully helps to build a new star rather than constantly finding reasons not to help young talent, then he can talk."
-Wade "I have backstage sources, REALLY I do" Keller

Reported by who? Roswell Space Aliens?
"If a list was made up of all the people needed to give pep talks to the boys, Triple H would be rock bottom of it. Especially since it's been reported that most of the boys have had problems with him and his cliqe buddies in the past few weeks."
-Rob Harvey, the Torch

You mean the one where he talked about Droz being paralyzed? Yeah, that was a laugh RIOT, Rob.
Once again it's another speech that Triple H should have given to his two buddies Kevin and Shawn (remember that laughable pep talk in Tough Enough 1?).
-Rob Harvey, the Torch

Actually, NOBODY has heard of Super Junior except dumbass Smarks with too much time on their hands.
Hunter… pontificating to super workers such as Benoit and Eddie (ever hear of Best of the Super Junior, big nose?) about stepping up their game is downright offensive.
-Trevor Byrne, the Torch

Hey, didn't Chris Jericho warn us about you freaks of nature that didn't like "Attack of the Clones?"
The whole situation is as ludicrous as George ''I can't write a good film anymore'' Lucas taking aside world class actors such as Ewan McGregor, Christopher Lee, and Samuel L Jackson and blaming them on the cruddiness of the new Star Wars films.
- Trevor Byrne, the Torch.

EDITORIAL NOTE: What the HELL is up with Net Loonies and their Star Wars fixation? I want to go just ONE WEEK without some Net Smark making non-sequitor comments about George Lucas.

Personally, I've always felt that Jericho killed his own Heat by being a mediocre wrestler, and Jeff Hardy is, well, a hillbilly Raver who can't cut a promo. But maybe Triple H is responsible for THAT, too.
Triple H himself, the man who personally killed the heat of up and comers Jeff Hardy and Chris Jericho's.
- Michael Thomas

That's it for this week. There was a LOT more I could of quoted, but frankly I'm tired of reading the same silly bullshit about HHH, repeated endlessly by the same weird group of people. What's really disturbing about these folks is A), there utter lack of anything resembling logic, civility or veracity, or B) the fact that it doesn't matter how many times they're publicly humiliated, they still scurry out like cockroaches every time HHH is in the news for any reason whatsoever.

Next week: For something totally different, I invite some of your favorite Net Journalists to watch an episode of the Simpsons with me! Guess who gives the episode a DUD and who complains that Bart is "being rammed down our throats!"