Hello all, and welcome to a very special edition of the Smarkies! Usually I try to get a broad range of silliness from across the net, but today is a special occasion. You see, recently I read a column that was so brilliant, so perfect, so absolutely FLAWLESS in it's execution of Smarkiness that I just had to share it with you.

Who wrote this Paragon of Smark? This Epitome of all that is cheesy? Was it Lifetime Achievement Award Winner Scott Keith? Nay. Was it 411 Wrestling? No. Was it Wade Keller? Close, but no cigar, baby. No, the new Bright Light of Smarkdom is none other than Bruce Mitchell. I can already hear the resounding "Who?" echoing across the nation. So let me repeat: Bruce Mitchell, writer (if I may use the term loosely) of "Mitchell's Take" at the Torch.

Using Bruce's work as a guide, I present for your edification. How to write the Smarkiest Article Ever!

Step 1: Be bored. Be VERY bored.
"Oh no, it's another one of those boring, awful State of the WWE lectures."
-Bruce, being very, very bored.

Step 2: Expect the worst. After all, the glass IS half empty.
"This new General Managers will give fans what they want and deserve. Uh oh."
-Bruce, who knows that any news is bad news.

Step 3: Remind us that anything involving Shane or Steph will suck.
"Who could be the new General Managers of Raw and Smackdown? (Shane and Stephanie) Mick Foley? (Shane and Stephanie) Shawn Michaels? (Shane and Stephanie) Bret Hart ? (Shane and Stephanie) Vince Russo? (Shane and Stephanie) Arn Anderson? (Shane and Stephanie)"
-Bruce (Shane and Stephanie) Mitchell

Step 4: Remind that everything NOT involving Shane or Steph will suck.
"This means the rest of the show is going to suck for wrestling."

Step 5: Complain if new guys don't get screen time. But complain louder if they DO.
" Great, the second-lowest guy on the roster is getting color. Dreamer wins."

Step 6: Obsess over something pointless. If you're Scott Keith, make it Age. If you're Bruce Mitchell, make it...
"Holy Cow, is he a cow! I mean, that boy is fat!"
"There's not enough black suits in the world to hide all that lard."
"he looks like he ate Barbie, the Barbie Dream House, and all her fabulous accessories."
"buttons start popping off Bischoff's suit and take someone's eye out."
"the portly Eric Bischoff"
"Back in Fat, uh, I mean Black.""
"bloated Bischoff"
"the fleshy Eric Bischoff"
"Eric (who looks really stuffed)"

Step 7: Make yourself look like a Hypocritical Tool.
"I've got an important revelation for WWE and its writers. Get your face up close to the screen and read the following carefully: All those people in the stands didn't care about Bischoff's brilliant melding of truth and fiction. Neither did the vast majority of people at home. You know why? You know why they paid all that money for parking, for food, for souvenirs, for those tickets? You know why they sat on their hands through Bischoff's speech? Because they're wrestling fans."
-Bruce Mitchell, who assumes that 'wrestling fans' want to read his pointless comments on Eric Bischoff's weight.

Step 8: Make yourself look like a BRAIN DAMAGED Hypocritical Tool.
"Bischoff's big revelation is he wants to sign Triple H for Raw. Who cares?"
-Bruce, who apparently doesn't care about ANYTHING related to Wrestling, other than bitching about it.

Step 9: Make as many comparisons to Nitro as possible.
"In a scene so moronic only it could only come from the Vince Russo playbook, the two buddies hug (just like Eric and Vince Russo did to "shock" the internet that time on the doomed Nitro.)"
-Bruce, who was apparently out of Fat jokes..

Step 10. Repeat the phrases "boring" and "Vince Russo Playbook" again, just in case somebody missed them the first time.
"He begins a long, boring soliloquy so inane it too could only be straight from the Vince Russo playbook."
-Bruce, who desperately needs a Thesaurus.

Step 11: Make outrageously stupid and erroneous claims..
"It's not like Triple H has been over since he came back"

Step 12: Act like maybe you don't know the difference between a wrestling angle and actual history.
"Bischoff tried everything he could think of to tear down Flair's legacy in the business"

Step 13: After complaining about the lack of wrestling, contemptuously dismiss any match that DOES occur.
"Johnny the Bull comes out of nowhere with his own ref to pin Bradshaw. This kills a good ten minutes."

Step 14: Be smug, because you know EVERYTHING.
"Taker hits RVD with the powerbomb and pins him, of course."

Step 15: Make wise comments about how the WWE is dying.
"The last year of WWE programming has been like watching the prodigal sons gather around the patriarch's bedside one last time."
-Bruce, who forgot to use the phrase "reminiscent of the Downward Spiral™ of the Dying Days of the WCW™"