Welcome to a special "Dueling Lunatics" issue of the Smarkies! Join us as competitors from AROUND THE GLOBE compete for the coveted "Most Nutso Wrestling Fan in Existence" Award!

First up: A man who is convinced that all of the world's problems can be traced directly to Republican K-Mart workers, Nick Mamatas! Go Nick, GO! No, I mean it, GO.

Good try, but Vince has already worn out the Elitist Asshole gimmick. Next time, try insulting our local sports team.
"I'm amazed at all the heat Austin is getting over his walkout on Raw this past Monday. Not only are people taking the side of Vince McMahon, they're demanding that Austin simply do whatever he is told, just the way they do in their crappy jobs on the assembly line or in the K-Mart!"
-Nick M, the Torch

No, just the ones that can afford the Pay Per Views.
"Maybe wrestling fans are all Republicans"
-Nick M, the Torch

Next week, Nick M speaks out on the Kennedy Assassination, Watergate, and how the Government is beaming thought-control waves right through his tinfoil hat.
"Rather than complaining that Austin is standing up for himself, his detractors should take heart in his example and try to organize a union if they don't like their assembly line jobs."
-Nick M, the Torch

Next up, a man who can hear what you write, C Johnson!

You heard all of those messages? I myself had to read them.
"I am so tired of hearing all of these people sit around and say things like "Austin is an employee and needs to just do what Vince says."
-C Johnson, who has perfected the art of Hearing the written word.

Well, him and the Rock. And Hulk Hogan. And Andre the Giant. And Triple H. And Kurt Angle. And about a thousand other guys, but who's counting?
"Everything that the WWF was and WWE is was built on the back of Steve Austin."
-C Johnson

Which explains why ratings have nosedived since the day he returned to the ring.
"Austin is a proven ratings draw"
-C Johnson

Or the fans, or his wife, or his fellow wrestlers, apparently.
"Austin doesn't owe anything to Vinnie Mac"
-C Johnson

Next up: It's the entire writing staff of the Torch!

Yeah, all those people wearing his t-shirts and cheering him are clearly the victims of the same Brain Control Ray that also turns them into Republicans.
"They are also trying to make Triple H into Superman. It's the total opposite of his heel push, when the fans wouldn't take to him at first so they shoved him down everyone's throats."
-The Torch, using Torch Cliché #6: "Any wrestler currently who is currently Over with the crowd is being "shoved down everyone's throat."

I dunno. Because they can't push ANYONE without you guys whining about it?
"By the way, why are they pushing Bob Holly of all people?"
-The Torch

Or the Rock. Or Austin. Gee, I see a trend here: "Top Faces don't Job cleanly on TV. But don't let that interrupt your Smarky HHH bashing, boys.
"Two of the top wrestlers in the company couldn't beat Triple H clean."
-The Torch

Attention to detail is the mark of a true professional.
"Wasn't X-Pac supposed to get fired if he lost a match?"
-Bruce Mitchell of the Torch, referring to a one-time stipulation from over a month ago.

Be sure and read the Torch every week, so you'll know who your favorite wrestler is supposed to be.
"Amazing, this was a two hour show dedicated to making sure that every single fan watching knows that their favorite wrestler is gone."
-Bruce Mitchell, the Torch.

You predicted that the Rock would return as Goldberg?
"The return of the Rock was some what predictable. It was obvious "he" wasn't Austin, so the only other logical candidate was Goldberg."
-Stephen D, the Torch

Isn't he the guy that became the most successful wrestler in the history of the business and a major movie star?
"Am I the only person who is sick of Brock Lesnar being forced down our throats? Does the name Rocky Maivia mean anything, Vince?"
-Matt L, using Torch Cliche #6 again. That's the "being forced down our throats" phase for those of you keeping track.

And then there's the Dark Horse favorite, CRZ:

It SUCKS when other people have opinions.
"As soon as the man's [Steve Austin] off TV, people can't turn fast enough. "He sucked!" Hey, fuck you. He was AWESOME. Try to remember that and shut the hell up."
-CRZ

The wit, the wisdom...
"Guys who beat up their wives, on the other hand, can go to hell. DUH. "
-CRZ

DUH.
"Hell, this probably hurts for you to read because I'm coming across as so embarrassing."
-CRZ

And now, drumroll please as we announce our winner:

SCOTT KEITH!

No, wait. That just slipped out. Force of habit I guess. The REAL most Nutso Smark in all of Smarkdom for the month of July is....

DAVE MELTZER!

Toss the confetti! Strike up the band! Now, you're asking yourself, did Dave win because he runs nothing but teaser articles for his lame assed Subscription service? No! Did he take the award for his continual, non-stop obsession with Triple H's penis? Close, but no cigar. Did he take it because he hasn't written a solitary interesting WORD about Pro Wrestling since sometime late last century? Nope.

Dave wins the award at the last minute, based mainly on his decision to run this piece of lunacy right here. Sure, he didn't write it, but he posted it, and that in and of itself makes him the craziest sumbitch not currently wearing a turban!

For those of you that avoid Metlzer's site for religious reasons, lemme recap some of this particular article. It's a piece by three howler monkeys that somehow escaped captivity, attended a WWE house show, and then proved the old cliché about a thousand monkeys and a thousand typewriters to be absolutely incorrect. Let's take a look, shall we?

"It was a good match but pretty pointless."
"Regal is God."
"And once again the credibility of the hardcore title takes a hit."
"Trish is hot."
"Basic match, lack of E-C-W chants pissed me off."
"The biggest joke of the match was nWo."
"It was interesting that Tommy Dreamer is more interesting than main event."
"Benoit!!"

I was a little bummed that they didn't include the phrase "Forced down our throats", but since all Torch correspondants are required by law to use it, I guess I can deal with the disappointment.

Cheers until next week, and keep on Smarkin'.