I am the victim of a conspiracy. For the last week or so, Scott Keith has been writing really damn good columns. This deprives me of at least half my usual material. I know he's only doing this to get back at me. Damn you Scott, I have a column to write here!

In other bad news, THQ announced that Yukes would produce Wrestlemania X8 for the gamecube. You remember Yukes, producers of the unutterably horrible "Smackdown" series. Oh well, at least that's 50 bucks I won't be wasting on another video game. But enough about me. Let's talk about everyone else! A drum roll please, as we present this week's Smarkies!


More proof that not all Internet Wrestling Columnists are 30 year old virgins.
"Aww boo hoo hoo hoo the WWF isn't surprising anyone with the debut of the NWO."
-Bruce Mitchell, the Torch.

Funny. I thought they were in the Escort business.
Well, despite what you may think ... the WWF isn't in the Surprise business or the Big Pop business. They're in the Anticipation business.
-Bruce Mitchell, the Torch.

Aww boo hoo hoo, Jerry and JR didn't mention the NWO.
"You mean to tell me Vince McMahon hints he's bringing in the NWO and Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler don't even mention it during the opening?"
-Bruce Mitchell, the Torch.

Maybe they're building that "anticipation" that you assure us they're in the business of creating.
"Say the names. Kevin Nash. Scott Hall. Hulk Hogan. How hard is that?"
-Bruce Mitchell, the Torch.

It could be worse. You could be forced to hear a middle aged pedophile scream "Puppies" after every sentence...
Jerry Lawler complained about stadium crowds yelling "What?" after every sentence.

Let me get this straight. The nWo sucks so hard that I as a casual fan will change the channel?
Vince McMahon attempted to get the impending return of the nWo Over by telling us "The fans will stop watching".

Were they broadcast in Chinese in your area?
"I didn't understand the NWO clips in that incredible WWF history package."
-Matt M, the Torch

Just so long as you're not an uncritical fanboy or anything...
"Al Snow could have wrestled the Big Bossman in a Kennel Iron Man Match for one hour and 50 minutes and I still would give this Raw a 10.0 rating."
-Brian L, via the Torch

Don't Torch readers EVER get laid?
Jason A, referring to Palumbo's "face in Trish's crotch Powerbomb" wrote: "Chuck Palumbo was the luckiest man in the world for a few seconds at the end of the match"

(Okay, I try not to resort to outright commentary, but I just have to this time. Are Torch readers really so desperate to be mistaken for Heterosexuals that they have to write in to praise EVERY "Trish's Crotch" or "Stacy's Ass" segment? Don't any of them have girlfriends? Or are their girlfriends just such ungodly beasts that Trish actually looks good in comparison? Somebody write in and help me out here.)

Next week: A hard hitting, exclusive interview with a guy that knows the kid that won Road Dogg's eBay auction.
Dave Meltzer ran an exclusive interview with Brian Lawler. That's "Grand Master Sexay", for the three of you that care.

I dunno. If 411Wrestling is supposed to be a Wrestling site, what are YOU doing in there?
"If that was supposed to be a video of "great moments", why are Hogan, Hall, Nash, Doink, Dink, Goldust, and Flex in there?"
-Eric Szulczewski, 411 Wrestling

In other news, Randy Savage says that morale actually went down when he was booted from those Slim Jim commercials.
"GRANDMASTER SEXAY says that morale in the locker room sucks shit since the news of the N.W.O. hit."
-Flea, 411Wrestling

Jakked can ALWAYS use more cruiserweights!
"The Federation is releasing Kaz Hayashi, per his request, so he can return to Japan to compete and be with family. Kaz is always welcome back here, as he is a very promising cruiserweight."
-Jim Ross, the Ross Report

Fast answers to fast questions:
A couple of the Smarkie Faithful have written to ask why I don't write longer columns. The answer is simple- Dudes, have you ever considered what I have to DO in order to bring you the Smarkies? I have to actually read all this stuff. I have to read Meltzer. I have to read the Torch. Heaven help me, I have to read Eric Szulczewski, and there's not enough soap on the PLANET to make you feel clean after that. Think of how I put my sanity on the line, each and every week (or thereabouts) just to keep you informed. Much like the Hurricane, I am a SUPERHERO. But not as much of a superhero as Brewguy, who brings you ITVR Talk Radio, twice a week after Smackdown and Raw. Drop in and chat, or visit the ITVR board.