Hola folks, and welcome to a very special, 100% SCOTT KEITH FREE edition of the Smarkies! It's been a good couple of weeks for the Smarkies, folks. Stupid people saying stupid things, bad decisions in high places, and best of all, Hall and Nash are completely and totally GUARANTEED to NOT be on our television sets any time soon, simply because Meltzer keeps assuring us that they will be! Is it just me, or has anyone else noticed that Dave seems to be getting his information directly from the Honkey Tonk Man these days? And I thought Wade Keller's "Mysterious Locker Room Sources" were bad!

So, without further ado, let's dive in to... The Smarkies!

Comedian of the Year
Jim Ross commented that the WWF was "serious" about "finding a way to utilize" their abundant supply of Cruiserweights.

Like maybe the rest of the roster dies in a freak hair dryer accident?
J.R. also informed us that X Pac would be available to wrestle if absolutely necessary.

Comedian of the Year, First Runner Up
When asked about his goals for 2002, Billy Gunn replied: "Just to keep my career going in the direction that it needs to go, and that's up."

Hey Vince. 1998 called. They want their gimmicks back.
Mr. Perfect, Gold Dust, The Godfather and Val Venis announced their participation in the Royal Rumble.

I've got it! They could feature a few Cruiserweight matches!
"The WWF needs to move on and try something never been seen before if they want to turn those casual viewers like me into core viewers like I once was back in 1998-'99." -Torch reader S. Craigie

Now it's time for "Let's Bitch about the Invasion"! Feel free to sing along:
"This is where the Alliance angle really failed." - D. Jago, the Torch

"Sjust so we can get more confirmation on how horribly the WWF botched the Invasion Angle." - J. Greene, the Torch

"What the WWF needs is a real threat (unlike the Alliance)." - J. Hinchliffe, the Torch

I dunno, my vote still goes to the Hardy Boyz
"Gay tag team comedy has been done before, but never so poorly." -Jason Powell, regarding Chuck and Billy.

Next week: Adam Sandler vs Sarah Michelle Geller for the Cruiserweight Championship.
"What you guys need to do, instead of printing inane ramblings from out-of-touch people in San Diego, is start taking into account what the average beer swilling 20-35 year old is waiting to see."

Geeze, I hope it wasn't anything *I* said.
The Scotsman was released from TheSmarks, one week after being featured in this very column.

Look, it's not like I'm calling them a bunch of Stuck in the 90's, limp-wristed fanboy posers or anythingS
The staff of Death Valley Driver refer to themselves as "playboyz" and "playaz" on the home page of their incredibly ugly website.

But then again, if the limp-wrists fitsS
Death Valley Driver listed "Jushin Liger" as their choice for number one wrestler.

Dave Meltzer, Investigative Journalist.
Using his famous "Unnamed Sources", Dave Meltzer assured us that not only are Hall and Nash returning, but that the rest of the WWF sees it as a "slap in the face."

Battle of the (half) wits.
"There's a long essay inside that deals with the value of wrestling as entertainment, and it's also an assault on Meltzer. You have been warned." -Literary titan Eric Szulczewski, referring to his current column.

...and even harder when you just plain suck on the Mic.
Lance Storm commented (What?) that it's hard (What?) to cut a promo (What?) when the crowd (What?) is chanting "what?" (What?) at you.

That's it for this week. Thanks to those of you that wrote asking "When the HELL are you going to post another column?!?" It's good to know I'm missed, although I DO have to say- Can't I take a week off without you people hounding me? Can't I?!?