Hello fellow Smarks, and welcome to the inaugural edition of "The Smarky Awards." For those of you unfamiliar with the proud history of the Smarkies, allow me to quote from The Judges Handbook to the Smarkies: 'To win a Smarky, you must write, say, or otherwise express an opinion so egregiously mullet-headed that it makes Chavo Gerrerro's Gobbledygooker angle look like a pretty good idea.'

With that in mind, let's continue on this week's edition of... The Smarkies!

The Glass Ceiling Awards

Why can't they show the poor guy respect, like they do Tommy Dreamer?
Torch reader "Brian S" wrote: "Alas, poor Tazz. He's been buried so deep he has probably reached China."

After all, he's only scored pins over the Rock, Austin and the Undertaker...
"Brian S" further opined: "And RVD will soon join him."

I'm not sure how, but I'm POSITIVE it's Triple H's fault!
On the same page, "D. Jago" lamented: "So Test has gone from feuding with Taker to Kane to Edge to Albert. Who's next? Crash Holly on Jakked?"

I'm pretty sure you left out the Brooklyn Brawler, but maybe I just misread.
Also on the Torch: "Chris Jericho, Kurt Angle, the Hardy Boys, Lita, Booker T, Rob Van Dam, Dallas Page, Raven, Spike Dudley, Big Show, Tajiri and a host of others have been given solid pushes and then are abruptly brought back down to mid card status or worse."

The Insane Hubris Awards for egotism above and beyond the call of duty.

Of course, not EVERYTHING in the universe circles around him. Just everything of which he is personally aware.
Scott Keith expressed concern that the current state of affairs at the WWF might hurt his upcoming book sales.

Because Lord knows it's easy enough to get the two of them confused...
Scott Keith has stopped using the name "Netcop" due to legal action by Netcop Software.

...Hey Scott, know where I can find the number of Netcop Software's attorney?
Scott's new book is entitled "Tonight... In This Very Ring", despite the fact that famed wrestling writer Y Pac uses "In This Very Ring" as the title of both his columns and web site.

How to be an Internet Heel- Step One, get canned from a job that wasn't even paying you.
After voicing how happy he was that Solicitor General Ted Olson's wife was "smeared all over the Pentagon" during the September 11th attacks, Eric Szulczewski was dropped by theSmarks.

Step two: try desperately to generate Heat.
Upon being picked up by 411wrestling (now THERE was a leap up the career ladder) Eric wrote "She was a horrid woman and her presence will not be missed on my end."

Step three: Nazis=Ratings~!
Apparently running out of original insults, Eric finally claimed that Mrs. Olson was "more right-wing than Hitler".

Hey, it worked for the Undertaker...
Eric finished up by claiming that the "Prince of Darkness" was his master, and that he'd kill George Bush before Osama bin Laden.

The Family of the Year Award

Thus adding insult to Injury...
After her husband Jerry "The King" Lawler quit his job with the WWF to show his support for his recently fired wife, his child bride left him, took out a restraining order against him, and hooked up with another man.

...and licking a man while he's down...
Shortly thereafter, pictures appeared on the Net of the former Mrs. Lawler performing fellatio on her new boyfriend.

...Kat was then heard to say "my last Ruler had four inches."
The man in question was very modestly endowed.

Further reasons why he was the greatest Intercontinental Champion of all time.
Honkytonk Man allowed said pictures to remain on his chat board, while various of his patrons commented on whether Kat's breasts "Were scarred from surgery, or just squished into hideous shape by her elbow."

Lawler then called up Michael Jackson and the two swung by the Toys R Us to cruise for some action.
Asked by Anthony and Opie if he'd "learned his lesson" about dating jailbait, The King replied "They're only too young if they still wear P.J.s with feet."

Random Awards of General Greatness

And to think that some people stereotype wrestling fans as ignorant hillbillies.
In the Torch lettercol, Anthony DiBiase gave the "Kiss Vince's Ass" edition of Raw an 8.5, praising "the word 'ass' being used endlessly throughout the show."

Well, he IS the Smartest Man in Wrestling.
Chyna blasted HHH on the Anthony and Opie show, saying that he'd dumped her to have an affair with Stephanie McMahon.

This just in from Honkytonk I've got the spelling and grammar skills of a backwards twelve year old with a satisfied craving for strong liquor Man.
"Names thrown around as emergency surgeons are, Shriveled Up Flair. I'm Drunk, but I can say Hey Yoo, Hall. I won't come back unless my wine-o buddy is with me so we can disrupt the whole dam company, Nash. I can't run a company, but I will buy sex for my wife with another woman, Bishoff. Say your prayers, take your roids, GHB, Mary Jane, codeine, Hollywood. If I left out anyone please feel free to add them to the list.