OO Column: The Obtuse Angle by Jeb Lund (Pro Wrestling News, Analysis, and Commentary... WWE, WWF, WCW, ECW, The Rock, Brock Lesnar, Triple H, Rob Van Dam, Hulk Hogan, Undertaker, Trish Stratus, Lita, Stacy Keibler, Divas, RAW, SmackDown, WrestleMania, S

THE OBTUSE ANGLE
What Sucks
August 12, 2004

by Jeb Tennyson Lund
OnlineOnslaught.com/CitizenScholar.net

So I was having one of my typical email exchanges with Scaia. Out of the blue on Sunday, I emailed him to call him a crypto-fascist depilatory freak who ought to be beaten with a hose for:

1. Not loathing the New York Yankees.

2. Claiming that the host and average guests of Tough Crowd with Colin Quinn are not only not knuckle-dragging sheep rapists, but that one of them once said something remotely funny.

So we trade a few more emails, and he asks me about the tropical storms in the Gulf, and the possibility that my Tampa home might be in danger from a coming hurricane. I tell him not to worry, and he sends me this in return:

Alright then, if it was pushy of me to worry about you being decapitated by flying shrapnel, allow to change course thusly: WRITE ME A COLUMN FOR TOMORROW, SLACKER!

Now, I don't take orders well. Especially when I've told Scaia in the past that I don't write when I don't have any good ideas. And I don't have any now. But Scaia was insistent. So, in the full spirit of the warden from Cool Hand Luke, I wrote down my ideas while a malicious southern voice drawled in my head, "HE WANTS IT, HE GETS IT!"

The Current WWE
Raw sucks. Triple H sucks. I'm sick of Triple H. Him yelling and being constipated is a four-year-old sham. Jericho is completely wasted. That sucks. If Batista's not on a cocktail of drugs, then I really am the pope. Everything not featuring Benoit or Regal sucks. WWE has overexposed Eugene so much that he's starting to annoy me. Edge sucks. The tag division sucks. Lita sucks. Kane sucks. Matt sucks. Matt and Lita sucks. Kane and Lita sucks. Matt and Kane sucks. Matt, Kane AND Lita?—yep, sucks. Gail Kim sucks.

The Diva Search sucks like all the above things combined.

Add to that level of suck the current suck of the Undertaker. Add Orlando Jordan suck. Add Bradshaw suck. Bradshaw's "political campaign"-style satirical actions are funny. But everything else about him sucks. John Cena sucks... DEEEEZ NUTZZ!!! (OMG LOL!!!! ROFLMAO!!! TOMTB!!!!! SFKMNBIWTSA!!!!!!!!!)

See? It's not funny when I do it either.

So, yeah, he sucks. What else is on Smackdown? Whatever it is, it sucks. Unless it's Dupree, Mysterio, Angle, Eddie or Teddy Long, it's gotta suck long and hard on the man-pole of injustice. Billy Gunn sucks. I'd say Kidman sucks, but for the last five years that guy's had his lips wrapped around a bag of anabolic steroids the size of a king-sized waterbed and sucking for all the world like it's the Teat of Credibility that, at this point, it would single him out for attention more if we just mentioned when he didn't suck. Everything else on Smackdown sucks. I'd bother to tell you what those things are, in particular, but I don't remember; because every time I turn on Smackdown, I fall asleep quickly — 'cause it sucks.

Then take everything above and multiply it by ten. Then multiply it by the sensation of having a doped baby tiger shark implanted in your stomach — an animal that is subsequently "awakened" by a massive dose of methamphetamine, which leads it to try, in a frenzy, to eat its way out of you. While all this is happening, you are being continually sodomized by some sort of ape.

That's how much Randy Orton sucks.

Enjoy SummerSlam!

E-MAIL JEB LUND
BROWSE JEB'S ARCHIVE

Jeb Tennyson Lund is the Pope of Online Onslaught. If you want to read his sadly less wrestling-oriented columns, go to www.citizenscholar.net.

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