By now, you've probably read enough praise of Monday's Iron Man match to counteract as many as two normal days of internet wrestling cynicism and bile. Well, that's two days too many! So before I fall in lockstep with the rest of the "IWC" and heap more attaboys on Chris Benoit and Triple H, I'm going to say something that might be construed as negative.
 
I'm convinced that WWE programming is structured the way it is because the WWE brain trust is convinced that no one gives their full concentration to anything other than the matches. This is a broad theory that I should examine further at some point, but I've been slacking on the writing front lately, and I'd like to get another idea out there, even in rough form.
 

Granted, the stuff with Kamala was pure schadenfreude gold. The first time I saw him was legitimately hilarious. After that, as each "diva" came through, it was like watching a new show called "Bobbing for Stupid." Each contestant managed to surpass her predecessor on both the Unintentional Comedy Scale, as well as the "I'm Really Starting to Wonder if This Person Only Operates on a Basic Signals-Recognition, Motor-Control" Scale.
 
But I wasn't really angry about it. I should have been, and I wasn't. That's because I was only half paying attention. At the time, I was playing an online game (Mafia.org), chatting with some OO readers about the show, and idly watching the TV. I watched the first funny exchange with Kamala, saw that it was only going downhill after that, then began tuning it out.
 
I'm not alone. In fact, I think we can break down the entire WWE audience and find ways that people will tolerate that segment far more than they ought — if for no other reason than that they aren't emotionally and mentally committing themselves very much to segments like that. Let's look at the audience:

1.  Little kids. Look, they don’t know any better. Hell,
     they probably loved it.

2.  Parents. They have kids, and have to worry about
     them. They’re probably balancing the checkbook,
     doing some work or some chores or just otherwise
     busy while the show is on.

3.  Teen-agers/college students. Here we can break 
     this down even more:

     3.a. On the phone with someone.
      3.b. Actually with a friend and watching.
      3.c. Stoned.
      3.d. Drunk.
      3.e. Stoned and drunk.
      3.f. On the internet.
      3.g. Stoned and on the internet, drunk and on 
             the internet, or stoned, drunk and on the
             internet.

4.  Responsible youth/childless middle agers. These
     people get up and dump a load of laundry in the
     washer, do the dishes, maybe clean the coffee pot
     and load it up for the morning brew. They basically
     know that they can walk away from the TV for a bit.

5.  The aged/elderly. They have trouble focusing on 
     the screen visually, or focusing even mentally.

6.  The dead. Consistent viewers, but eventually a 
      diminishing demographic, because their electricity
      gets turned off, or someone notices the smell.

7.  The undead. Out for brains. Hence, not watching 
      the WWE, both for feeding and/or ironic purposes.

Now, I'm not suggesting that all viewers fit into some category of distraction. But I think that many of us aren't 100% locked into every WWE moment. For the most part, we know the stuff that we need to see and will want to remember will happen in the ring, nine times out of ten. Sometimes, WWE programming really hammers that message home, much like they did on Monday. Most of us knew that aside from the Battle Royal and the Iron Man match, there wasn't anything going on that required us to be clicking on all cylinders.
 
Back to Kamala avec Bimbos. I'm locked into Mafia.crack or chatting with OO faithful, and suddenly my reptilian brain sends up a flare to my higher functions that basically says, "Yo, Jebbus, is it just me, or is this segment going through  each and every diva? And hasn't it gone on for a long time? Also, you have indigestion; you're thirsty; and you'd like to have sex soon." So my thinkin' brain thanked my reptilian brain and I realized, yeah, this segment had gone on really long. And it was terrible.
 
So I posed some questions to the fellow OO chat-folk.
 
JeBRuLeZ3:16: Hey, hasn't this gone on awfully long?
(Forgive my chat name. I use it because I'm SuPaHkEwL. Or something.)
Other_Person: Yeah, it has.
JeBRuLeZ3:16: Is it me, or wouldn't you be throwing a shoe at the television if you were actually paying attention to this? I mean, I'm tuning it out, and it's STILL bad enough to enrage me.
Brad_Smoley: I had to leave the TV room to get on the computer to do anything else. I was gonna break my TV.
Big_Danny_T: Jesus....
Other_Person: You're awesome, Jeb. Can I give you a dollar?
Matt_Hocking: NEEDS MORE KANE!!!
 
Okay, maybe not all of that happened the way I said it did. Especially my chat name. And Hocking shills himself so much that I mentally fill in the blanks even when he's not there. (Hi, Matt.) But Smoley was there (as was Danny T, he of the SmackDown recaps), and he said what he said, even if I had to resort to a mild paraphrasing.
 
My point is that some of the brightest and most consistently incisive people from OnlineOnslaught's contributors, readership and message board not only go to a chat room to discuss wrestling weekly: they also go there to avoid it. Likely countless other viewers find a similar (albeit less interactive) medium by which they are entertained when wrestling fails to meet the proper entertainment levels. Maybe they're not next to their computers when watching TV, but that still leaves the kids, magazines, crosswords, books, flipping to other channels, talking to a friend or relative, or just getting up and getting the laundry.
 
In short, WWE can get away with stuff that sucks because it knows that we're busy or can make ourselves busy in an instant. We'll make ourselves happier when they do not. Moreover, we know how the shows are programmed. If a certain segment starts, we know there is little danger in heading for the fridge or pulling up an article on a website. Ninety seconds (or more) here or there won't see us losing out on an earth-shattering occurrence.
 
Take the OO chat room as an example. Say what you will about smarks being willing to bitch about anything: when a big match or a main event comes on Raw, the OO chat room goes nearly dead silent. We know when to pay attention. If only WWE were written in a way that gave us no excuse to tune out the television.
 
 
The Iron Man

As I said above, surely scores of other online writers have already told you why this was a really good, great or wonderful match. I'm not going to tell you differently. Do I have my reservations? Yes, I'm worried about legacies. I'm worried that we lost a potential blow-off moment, where this match could have stood as the final verdict regarding who's the better wrestler.
 
I'm worried about the future. I'm worried that Triple H could have an abortive face turn, or Randy Orton might have the same. I'm worried that Benoit will get further driven out of consideration, and become nearly identical to Chris Jericho: former champ, swept aside by hokey storylines, never really having that one perfectly convincing one-on-one victory, doomed to reference as a "former" champ with no future as a "two-time" champ. And yes, I'm worried most of all that Randall Orton will, like a Dyson Vacuum, continue to perform without losing suction.
 
But there are a couple of things to be happy about, regarding this match, beyond the obvious pleasure of watching it.

• Benoit got the first pin, and got in cleanly. If the match were for one fall, technically he would be the winner. Yes, you can argue that Triple H maybe allowed himself to be pinned, to conserve energy. But, if you do that, you're a jerk, and I don't like you. Benoit got the first clean pin and in a way said that he's the better wrestler.
• Benoit got two more clean pins after that. His "clean" total was three. Nonetheless, Triple H sold a pin, a sharpshooter and a Crippler Crossface. Good times, good times.
• One of Triple H's "pins" was a chickenshit count-out. So that disqualifies him from winning the Badass Trophy for the match. Sure, it's part and parcel of this neverending Cerebral Assassin bullshit, but I don't care. Benoit wins the Badass Trophy because he got three pins like a man, and Triple H only got two.
• Benoit kicked out after interference, a chairshot and finishers. Triple H lay dead for minutes after a chairshot. Winner of the more Resilient Wrestler and Non-Candyass Wrestler for the Match awards?—Benoit.
• He's now won the Royal Rumble from the #1 entrant position; he won at WrestleMania; and he won an Iron Man match.

So do your thing, WWE. Take his legacy and ignore it. Push it aside amidst Orton v. Triple H (with Eugene) nonsense. Turn him into Jericho in the Triple H v. Stephanie (with dog) storyline. Take the title off a wrestler who could drag a great match out of a toadstool, then potentially put it onto a human toadstool who's just going to — aw, shit, there's no other word for it — Orton up the main event. Do your thing, jackals.
 
Because I don't care. Because Benoit's the fucking man. And history will always have to deal with that. I will remember.
 
I'm happy now.