by Moses Gates
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

Sorry it’s been a while folks, but once again promises of getting the SkySports channel in Europe haven’t materialized, and as a result I actually haven’t watched (the) WWE for a month.   Of course from what I’ve read, it seems like that’s a good thing.

What’s that about Europe you say?   Well, I got tired of not being able to understand what about 20% of the people in my town were saying (and then once Eddy Guerrero started saying more in Spanish than ‘Ese,’ ‘Vato,’ and ‘Esevato,’ it was really the last straw), so I'm learning Spanish here in beautiful Spain for three months - or ‘tres meses’ if you will.   In other words, you should get another edition of the Little Things sometime in early September.   

¿So how am I able to put together this stop-gap edition?   Well, it all stems from a ‘cultural experience’ I had here, going to the bullfight.   While I wasn't that impressed with the actual ‘dance around and kill a bull’ thing  (Think about it.   They aren't fighting a lion. They aren't fighting a polar bear.   They're fighting a cow) I, of course, had a field day with such things as the costumes, music, and stadium.   And seeing as bullfighting is really just another kind of ‘sports entertainment,’ complete with all trimmings that go along with putting on a great live show, I figured I could get a column out of comparing it’s ‘Little Things’ to pro-wrestling's.  So here goes.

1 – Costumes.   Edge – Pro-wrestling.   Bullfighters all essentially look like Liberace.   They might have different colors, and the costumes might be very intricate and expensive, but after a while they all look the same.   Pro-wrestling, where the costumes range from black underwear and boots to a man in a giant chicken suit, is easily the winner in this category.   Plus the WWF did the whole matador thing itself once.

2 – Music.   Edge – Pro-wrestling.   Again, the music at bullfights is way cool (and is produced by a live band no less), but it doesn’t vary enough.   Plus they don't play in the breaks or anything, they just do certain riffs (always the same) at certain points in the fight.   Now I love Booker T’s music (for example), but I wouldn't want to hear it every time there was a two-count.

3 – Weapons.   Edge – Bullfighting.   I'm sorry, but steel chairs, tables, and fire extinguishers (especially fire extinguishers) can't really compete with pikes, horns, and honest-to-god swords.

4 – Non-human participants.  Edge – You have to ask?  Matilda and Frankie don't really cut it against horses and bulls.

5 – Audience Participation.   Edge – Believe it or not, bullfighting.   While wrestlers might shape a match according to audience reaction (and eventually, story lines might be changed because of audience reaction) in bullfighting the audience can concretely affect the show right then and there.   There are all sorts of color handkerchiefs that you wave (different colors mean different things), and if the big head honcho sees enough of them, he'll go along and wave his too, at which time the audience’s desire gets put into effect.   For instance, a green hanky means ‘this bull sucks, send him back and get another.’   Enough people wave those green hankies, señor honcho will then wave his, and the bull will be sent back and another will take his place.   I mean, imagine if during a X-Pac/Hurricane match, those ‘X-Pac sucks chants’ actually got X-Pac sent to the back, and then Billy Kidman came out and worked the match instead.   How great would that be?

Plus, (in the unsanctioned ‘audience participation’ category) if someone jumps the barricade at a pro-wrestling match, maybe they get a few licks from a wrestler and get thrown out on their ass by security.   Big deal.    Go jump the barricade during a bullfight.

6 – Accommodations.   Edge – Pro-wrestling.   The stadium where I saw the bullfight was built during the Harding administration (or ‘Alfonso XIII administration’) and hasn't changed a bit since, and that’s pretty par for the course.   Plus, unless you want to shell out the big bucks, you’re sitting directly in the setting sun for the whole match.   In the middle of summer.   In Spain.  

7 – Miscellaneous ‘Little Things.’   Edge – Pro Wrestling.   Essentially this is cool pyros vs. seeing an animal gush blood before being put out of its misery.  

So it looks like pro-wrestling’s got a 4-3 edge here.   Of course, you can’t cook up Bob Holly medium-rare with a side of veggies after the match, so maybe it should be a tie.

As for my promise last week of a comprehensive list of RVD singlets, I’ve recently moved and can only dig up about three-quarters of my old notes (where I have meticulously kept track of what he’s been wearing), so I’m instead going to have to go with my ‘top 5 and bottom 5’ RVD singlets.

Bottom 5.  

#1.   The multi-colored, tutti-frutti one.   Horrible.   Stick with one base color, and for goodness sakes, remember the all-important ‘no pastels’ rule for wrestling outfits.

#2.   The yellow one with flames on the front.   Too much of a departure from the dragon, yin-yang, ‘RVD’ motif of his outfits (those three things are on all of his singlets I'm pretty sure).  

#3.   The one (there might have been more than one) with the spine down the back.   The ‘dry bones’ one he wears he can get away with (despite it being a departure from his usual motifs), but the Slim Goodbody look is just wrong.

By the way, did you know that show’s still on?   Slim's got to be pushing 50 now.   But hey, if he’s still on good enough shape to dress up in that leotard and appear on National TV, that’s good enough for me.   Same goes for whatever wrestler you’re now thinking of.

#4.   The dark purple one with the multi-colored ‘RVD’ down the back.   OK, maybe you can get away with a multi-colored singlet if done right (i.e., not tropical skittles colors).   But don’t put a multi-colored segment over a dark purple base for christsake.

#5.   The lavender one with the reddish-orange dragon on the front.   Now maybe I don't watch enough enough Trading Spaces (favorite: Amy Wynn), and don’t know enough about color wheels and such, but taking two hideous colors and combining them in one singlet can't be the right thing to do.  

Top 5.  

#1 – The non-airbrushed, all-black one with the white dragon on the front and the sunbursts (w/yin-yang) on the back.   Maybe I was just getting tired of all the multi-colored ones (I think he wore this right after the tutti-frutti one), but I really dug this outfit.

#2 – The classic blue-grey dragon one he still busts out every once in a while.

#3 – The green one where there’s ‘RVD’ forming the handle of a chainsaw on the front.   While green isn’t really his color, I thought this was totally cool.  

#4 – Again, a non-airbrushed one, the one with the gold dragon.

#5 – The blue one with the dragon’s paw print on the side.   I just thought it was great to not have the actual dragon on the singlet (although there might have been another one), just evidence that the dragon had, in fact, stopped by this singlet also.   Also, the dark blue is a good color choice for RVD.

Well, I promise I’ll be watching wrestling again as soon as I’m able, as, next to pizza, it’s the thing I´m missing most about the good ol’ U.S.A.   On the up side, despite being 5’9’’ with bad knees, a bum arm, and about a 2-foot vertical, I can totally kick anyone’s ass in basketball here.  

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