by Lee Filas
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes…

I’m pretty stoked about my new role here at Online Onslaught. I’m thinking that there is a lot of potential with this column, and the new format will give me the freedom to do it in a way that I can make work.

What new format? Well, you must have ignored me last week: Simply said – the SCJ recapping thing is done. My job – now - is to take a look at the storylines in wrestling that keeps us interested. The one thing that keeps us interested in a particular wrestler – or even a particular organization. It’s the one true aspect of wrestling that keeps me watching. It’s what ties wrestling together for me, and allows me to decide whether or not a show is worth watching.

Now, in the past, I’ve heard things like “storylines are not as important as the wrestling itself.” However, I completely disagree with those people. A bad storyline can turn great wrestlers into mid-carders overnight, while a great storyline can elevate anyone to the top of the roster.

Triple H and Kane’s “Katie Vick” storyline is a prime example of this. Had a WWE writer – somewhere – stood up and said “This is complete crap,” we may have actually had a decent match between those two. But, instead, fucking a corpse threw Kane back into the mid-card level AND shot the GaHHHme into a septic tank full of sludge that he still hasn’t been able to climb out of – even with the strength of Steiner on his side.

On the other hand, the current Angle and Benoit story started off as a pair of stiff wrestlers until writers forced them to become an incredible tag team. Adding in the “I hate you” factor, writers split them and sent them into a match where they became the highlight of The Royal Rumble card in January.

It was storylines that shot guys like Stone Cold Steve Austin, the Rock, and Mick Foley to the top of the wrestling mountain, as all of them sunk into a storyline – sometimes simultaneously involving Vince McMahon - that gave wrestling huge Nielsen ratings.

The storylines you see on television - the “entertainment” in “sports entertainment” – is the soap opera that keeps the rest of us glued to television for between four and six hours every week, and allows us to plunk down between $30 and $40 bucks every month for a PPV.

However, all great storylines are held together through great wrestling, (again, point to Benoit and Angle) but it’s the storylines that I love.

Now that I – hopefully – explained the premise of this column and what will be discussed, let’s discuss the storyline that I have been dying to review since the very day it started: the return of Stone Cold Steve Austin.

The beginning:

We all know how it started: Austin became larger than life due to a long lasting feud with Vince McMahon. During that time, Triple H, The Rock, Mick Foley, Kane and countless others were pushed to the top of the WWE as Austin battled the evil empire, the Boss and his manipulative children. The feud also propelled the federation to new heights in ratings, and pushed the WWE to the mainstream again. During that time, Austin broke his neck, came back, married Debra, went heel and started that whole “what” bullshit. Then, after a while, he turned face again. However, Austin’s career came to a premature halt when he unceremoniously left a live Raw taping because he wouldn’t job out to Brock Lesnar – right in the middle of what could have been a decent run with the now “way over” Eddie Guerrero. Since then, he’s divorced Debra following a police-involved altercation, and cannot do the brew until his probation for the offense is up. He’s quietly lived his life in Texas , supposedly worked out like never before, and wished to fade away and never be heard from again. That was, until JR called…

The storyline:

At some point in December, JR called his old friend Stone Cold and asked him to come back to the WWE. Rumors up until that point said that he had been in talks with the fed – as most of the fans wanted the Rattlesnake back – however, nothing was ever firmed up until JR said in his now-defunct Ross Report that “The new year expects to pick up with the return of Stone Cold and the Rock.” For the first time, it was confirmed that Stone Cold would return to the federation in 2003.

Writers in the fed sat down at that point and worked to develop a storyline with Stone Cold that would maximize his impact. It all started when Austin was named the wrestler of the decade at the 10^th anniversary of Raw but, rather than receiving the award, Vince walked out and said Austin was not at the celebration because he wasn’t invited. At the same show, Eric Bischoff, who took over as GM of Raw during Austin ’s departure, said he was going to drop a bombshell at the weekly program that would shock Vince McMahon into keeping his job.

Bischoff’s bombshell was more of a dud when he told a live Raw audience that he stopped the presses on the Raw Magazine to give Austin his time to tell his side of the story as to why he left. He also said that Steve Austin was welcome to come back and make his first appearance at No Way Out. However, the crowd let Austin ’s former WCW boss hear it because the pre-billed Austin was not part of the program. In addition, a timetable established by Vinny Mac for Bischoff to retain his job was set to run out two weeks before the start of No Way Out.

For three weeks, we are treated to vignettes of Bischoff crying/laughing/outraged that Austin has refused to commit on being at No Way Out. It even included Bischoff running through the streets of Texas looking for the Rattlesnake. During this time, Bisch got into a bar fight with a redneck – ala the rattlesnake himself.

The next week – two weeks before No Way Out - Bischoff enters the arena and fires JR, claiming that the VP of talent needs to get Austin signed before he is allowed back on top the program. However, Bischoff’s life gets thrown to the dogs when Vinnie’s clock runs out in the middle of RAW, resulting in the public firing of Morley and Bischoff at the hands of Vince. Everything is back to normal by the end of the show though, when JR gets Austin to guarantee his attendance at No Way Out. Vince decides to retain Bisch in his current job, however, forces Eric to fight Stone Cold at the upcoming No Way Out.

The final steps happened this past week, when Bischoff and Chief Morley attack JR with a cinder block to prove that Bischoff has the nuts to stay in the ring and actually kick the crap out of the former world champion. (When you guys read this, Austin would have already appeared at No Way Out, and beat Bischoff and Morley. However, when I’m writing this, No Way Out is 24 hours away.)

The Good, bad and ugly:

In my own opinion, this whole storyline would have been 10 times better if not for one glaring hole that was swept under the rug when Bischoff was fired: Vince hates Stone Cold. It was the premise that started the whole fed’s resurrection when WCW was kicking the WWE’s ass in ratings, and should be the basis of what ever happens with Austin . Now, you don’t need to have Austin fighting Vince for another five years to bore the shit out me, you and every redneck from the east to west coast, but you just can’t simply tell me that Eric’s job would be saved if Stone Cold was rehired.

Vince hates Stone Cold…he didn’t invite him to the Raw 10^th anniversary which played off that hatred. Having Bischoff believe the rehiring of Stone Cold would get him in good graces with the all-mighty Vinnie is a decent premise, however, having Vince come out on television and say “I hate the son of a bitch, but he brings ratings so Eric gets to keep his job,” was – to me – the death of this storyline. For years, Vinnie has been stunned by that bastard, you’d think that having Austin gone would be the life he wanted to live. Hell, he didn’t invite him to the 10^th anniversary because he didn’t want him there.

In addition, Austin left him in a bind and walked out on his damn program, and everyone knows about it. As has always been said, Vince has final say as to what goes into each show. Austin walked out on Vinnie, the man who gave final approval to have the Rattlesnake job to Lesnar. Why in the hell would Vince suddenly reverse gears and want Austin back? And, ratings isn’t a decent enough answer.

For me, that whole logic – the same logic that the fed uses when they try to glance over minute details that later stick them in the ass - blew what could have turned into a decent storyline. There were other ways to handle it something of this magnitude.

My Way:

I honestly believe that fed writers do not know how to count backwards. If they did, then they would be able to count the amount of weeks from one storyline to another, and determine if it would be able to work or not.

Let’s face it, the largest let down of the year was when Easy E stepped into the ring to announce that Austin was invited to No Way Out. (It was magnified when Hogan was back on SD the very same week.)

Five weeks ago, the fed announced that Austin was not invited to Raw X. Yet, they knew then that Austin was scheduled to be at No Way Out. That’s five weeks, 10 hours of Raw’s, 1,200 minutes of footage (minus the 16 minutes of commercials that each hour of show has) to establish the return of what could arguably be considered the greatest wrestling personality that has ever stepped foot in the ring.

What would you do?

Me? I simply would have had Austin show up on the very next episode of Raw. Instead of giving Bischoff 30 days to change shit, you give him one week. Vinnie comes out the Monday before Raw X and says you have one week to tell me why you should stay in charge of Raw. Raw X occurs where Vinnie says he doesn’t want Austin around, setting up the next week’s episode. Then, the following Monday, Vinnie comes out to fire Eric Bischoff. Bischoff refuses to be fired, gets in Vince’s face even and tells him basically, that Raw is his and Vince is no longer in charge of it.

Vinnie turns on the power switch and screams at Eric Bischoff – but never once says he’s fired. They get into each others face, it looks like it’ll be WCW vs. WWE all over again to the fans, when the glass shatters. The crowd turns to the ramp, and here comes Austin . He runs out and “kick, wham, stunner” to Vince.

The audience is shocked, and Bischoff’s power play continues when he tells Vince “You’re fired!” In response, Stone Cold stunners the Bischoff…proving that he is indeed the most dangerous rattlesnake in the federation.

Cut to the next week, and Stone Cold says he came back because he saw that Raw has gone to shit. He decided to take matters into his own hand instead of bitching about it. Vinnie comes out and says that Austin is not rehired at all, has not been resigned and can never return to the WWE. But, low and behold, here’s Easy E with a two-year guaranteed contract. He also explains – through the use of footage – that he was never fired by Vince. It’s proven true when the footage shows that Vinnie was stunnered out cold before he can say the famous words.

Vinnie leaves the arena pissed off – vowing revenge. Now, I know you’re saying something like “But, Lee, Eric’s a heel. Austin will no doubt come back a face.” I agree, but Austin ’s character has shown on countless occasions that he’ll turn on someone on a dime. Stone Cold turns on Bischoff.

He brings up all the crap regarding his unceremonious boot from WCW….stunner. He shows that he cannot be controlled again and stuns the ass that fired him “by a phone call.”

Then, from here, it’s easy. Bischoff wants revenge and wants to be able to control Austin…but Austin stunners him every chance he gets, and all but screws up every plan Bischoff ever makes. Finally, Eric offers to jump into the ring with Austin at No Way Out – with a screw job plan in mind. However, the plan back fires because Vince brings back the Rock as his puppet – kind of like he’s doing now. The Rock, at first, helps Stone Cold to beat the evil Bischoff at his own game, but then Rock Bottom’s Austin. The subsequent move leads to Austin/Rock at Wrestlemania – ironically taking place in Seattle without a guy named Goldberg on hand.

The storyline above could have been done a couple of different ways, but like I said, a little more planning and the fed would have had something to sink their teeth into right now – as well as into the future. Instead, they get a guy who was pissed off about his direction before, and is about to be sent into a similar direction in the future. A little bit of planning – instead of writing by the seat of their pants – could have gone a long way and not left people with a bad “I have to buy the PPV to see Austin ” taste in their mouth.

Well, that’s it for me…hope you enjoyed the new and improved SCJ. Feel free to toss me some feedback when you feel the need.

E-MAIL LEE FILAS
BROWSE THE SQUARED CIRCLE JERK ARCHIVES

Lee Filas is a 32-year-old newspaper reporter and wrestling fan from the Chicago-land Area.

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