by Lee Filas
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

I’m trapped here at my sister’s house, watching two little kids who are fighting me for the remote. (The 11-year-old wants to watch Cartoon Central while the 9-year-old wants to watch Survivor.) I’m also without a VCR to record SD! in case I screw this whole thing up and, to add to my stress, I haven’t done one of these things in about 6 months. Nice return for the Jerk, eh?

Oh well, I suppose I should make the best of it and see what happens. Besides, didn’t I promise upon my return that I would be a little more positive this time around? Huh, didn’t I? Well? ………<significant pause>……..<more significant pause>…..I’ll take that as a no.

Oh well, here goes nothing:

From the Bag O’ Returns:

From Brad:

Welcome back, jerk.

Dear Brad:

Aww…stop it. You’ll make me weep.

From the Bag O’ Still Hatin’ the Jerk:

I swear to God that is letter is from some guy named Kordell Stewart:

Such an angry little man.  The "internet geeks" really 
got to you.  I sit here, read your dribble, and really 
get a good chuckle. Don't take it so personally.  
Some folks can write while others folks can.

Dear Kordell:

At least I didn’t lose my job to a reject from the now-defunct XFL. And, while I’m on it, please write back and explain this: “Some folks can write while other folks can.” I think you were going for the old adage of “Some folks can write while other folks can’t.” I quite positive what category you belong in.

And we got Pyro:

Um, no we don’t.

Damn, I can’t even get that right. Seems we have a lead in with Speedy and The Next Big Push. You know, here’s what I don’t get: Why is Speedy even getting this shot? Why is he headlining a major PPV title match? Wasn’t he a mid-carder on Raw, yet, someone somewhere decided that he is the missing link? I just don’t get it.

And, now we have pyr….nope. Instead we get:

Heyman backstage:

Seems Heyman wants to tell the world that Lesnar will not be here. And in enters Speedy to say that he is calling Lesnar out. A little intimidation by Speedy makes me quake in my boots…and were off to a rather dubious start, now aren’t we?

Now, we gots pyro:

You know, I just realized what I have always hated about SD…nice voice Shrill. Jesus, do you have a set of testicles in that sack somewhere?

You Think You Know Me vs. Mini-Guerrero:

This should be a hot match, so it seems I’ll have time to put on that new attitude of being positive and upbeat about everything. Shrill tells us that Lesnar has a broken rib, but didn’t Ross tell us that Lesnar needs his knee scoped? Maybe I’m confused – or this company is trying to lie to me again. Not sure which.

You know, Chavo really can be a good heel. if he keeps listening to the larger Guerrero. The difference between a shitty heel and a great heel are the expressions they use when bitching at the ref and the fans. You’ll see it from Eddie, and guys like Angle and Jericho. They’ll screw with the fans and the ref in such a way that it just makes you laugh watching them.

Chavo comes off the top and is met by a hard drop kick from Edge, and I now realize that Raw needs to bring the entire cruiserweight division to Monday nights. I mean, that roster is just ridiculous. Plus, this show just simply has better writers.

OHHH!!! Chavo tosses a spear on Edge, but the blond with a late kick out to get the crowd going. After some quick reversals, Edge hits the Edgecution to give Edge the win by an Edge at just the edge of time.

They need to give this guy a title shot in the very near future. He’s too good to be locked up in singles matches. He’s on the cusp of serious greatness.

Rey-Rey in the back:

Okay, he may be – arguably - the greatest wrestler in the business today, but he needs to learn how to speak in such a way that he doesn’t sound like he’s reading from a script. Oops, here comes Lesnar, and for some unknown reason, Rey-Rey runs up to the champ and acts like they are longtime friends? Didn’t they wrestle a couple of weeks ago? I’m corn-fused.

I promised my niece we would check Survivor, so here’s a…

Survivor update:

Seems a challenge is at hand, and it has to do with people seeing their family/friends from home. I cannot believe that they sent Erin home last week. She was, by far, the hottest chick to ever grace the island.

Dawn Marie and Torrie’s Perverted Dad:

I can’t believe they are doing another wedding angle in this place. Haven’t the last five or six of these damn things failed miserably? And, besides, wouldn’t she just absolutely KILL HIM in the sack? For some reason, she already has wedding invitations made up and offers one up to his HOTTER THAN HELL daughter. You know what would make this storyline work A LOT better – let’s have Torrie and Dawn Marie get married. Then videotape the honeymoon and put it on the net.

TNBT and Heyman:

Seems Heyman doesn’t want Lesnar here, but Brock said he wants to be here because he is larger than life and the champion and he has brass balls and he can F-5 that big, fat Speedy. Heyman says something about being a team, but Lesnar has decided that he wants to be a face in the federation instead of a heel. Prediction? Heyman gets fired at Survivor Series. And, Heyman has an idea to get them out of trouble…but he’s not going to tell us what it is until after a commercial break. That rat bastard. 

Survivor Update:

They apparently gave them new “buffs” – whatever those damn things are - right before a physical challenge, so the tribes must finally have merged. This show just isn’t the same without Erin. 

Here we are:

Outside the Nationwide Arena in Columbus Ohio, but inside, we have the Matt Hardy Internet site on the jumbo-tron. I guess that means:

Matt Hardy Version One and Some Guy named John vs. Tajiri and OH GOD, NOW I REMEMBER WHY I QUIT:

Oh shit, it’s the ass crack from hell! I’m going to have nightmares for two weeks now. See what I put up for you people? You guys owe me. 

Anyway, I think I’m starting to get into the new Matt Hardy. He throws thumbs to the eyes, but he needs to learn how to fuck with the fans during the match. Ah, shit, the fat guy is in. God, look at how his ass all but swallows that friggin’ Speedo he wears in the ring. It just makes me sick. You guys should know that I’m not against fat people, in fact, I know a couple of them and I consider them my friends. But, I’m VERY against guys who are fat as hell who squeeze their bulbous rectum into a piece of spandex so small that Torrie Wilson wouldn’t wear it to the ring.

Huh? Did I miss something? It ended because Matt got his shoulder off the mat? Both men were out and Matt kicks out at the very last second and picks up the win? What the hell was…I’m confused.

You Suck and Gap-Tooth in the back:

You know, I just love the angle these two guys have. They were forced by Steph to tag together, then they won the titles, but they continue to bitch at each other, forcing them to continue to meet in the ring. This could go down in history as one of the greatest feuds in wrestling – ever.

Great exchange - Angle: I have more teeth than you. Benoit: I have more hair than you. This is so perfect for these two. Making them act like little kids. Then Angle does the “you got something on your shirt” routine, and Benoit falls for it. This is perfect. Angle always makes me laugh - almost as hard as when the Rock first started.

Survivor break:

Okay – um, I don’t know what has happened – seems that fat ass Ted went off swimming somewhere. I’ve got to kill this segment just because I can’t keep control of it. But, I will tell you who was voted off the island tonight. See, isn’t that nice of me?

Holla if you heard:

That Big Poppa Pumpin’ the Juice is coming to the WWE. You know, it’s a well known documented fact that people who use A LOT of ‘roids have A LOT of back problems. And, in case you’re wondering, their muscles seem to tear away from the bone while wrestling on Monday night Raw. Make your own judgment here.

Heyman and Speedy in the back:

Heyman whines to Show about breaking Brock in half. You know, I still don’t understand this. Wasn’t Show’s bright spot on Monday night his ability to sleep on a couch while Golddust pretends he’s Crocodile Dundee? How the hell did he go from that to a title shot against Lesnar at Survivor Series? Show gets intimidating again and says something brilliant but I miss it. Sorry.

Eddie and Mini-Guerrero and Edge and Rey-Rey in the back:

The Guerrero’s speak some Spanish, then Edge speaks some Spanish….but I have no idea what the hell is being said. I’m sure some important shit was said during this segment, but I took German in high school so I have no idea what it was.

Eddie vs. Rey-Rey:

Rey-Rey has the coolest ring entrance in the entire world. That device that launches him into the air is great. And, what’s better is that it’s perfect for his character. I’m also glad Rey-Rey went back to the mask.

Eww…vicious backbreaker on Rey-Rey. You know, that guy just makes everyone around him look great. He really does.

Eddie turns on the heel charm like no other. He just did what I was talking about before. He subtly screws with the fans in such a way that it forces you to hate him. The crowd starts chanting “Eddie Sucks,” and instead of doing something stupid, he just shakes his head as if to say “No I don’t.” I love that.

Rey-Rey pulls out the 619, but it hits the ref, and of course, that brings out Chavo and Edge. Chaos ensues. A power bomb, Rey kick out, then a spear from Edge. Then security comes out to remove the extra wrestlers… you know it’s a good match when we go to commercial in the middle of the match.

Quick Survivor Update:

Ken, the New York Cop, is the next person on the jury – this is all going to come down to alliances at this point. Jake and that one rat-looking girl are the next two to be sent home, barring an immunity thing. Damn, bring back Erin….or sign her to Raw.  I’d be happy with that.

Back in the ring:

Rey-Rey regains the advantage, but screws up when going to the top rope and Eddie shoves him off. Excellent. Rey’s like a cat and always lands on his feet correctly. Rey hits a super-plex, but it looks like it hurt Mysterio more. You know, I would pay serious money to see Rey Rey and RVD go at it just one time.

Eddie goes ballistic after an intense arm bar, then to the top rope. However, he misses a move. Mysterio to the top rope and hits a blind moonsault, but Eddie kicks out again. Jesus, this is a hot match. Rey with a top rope spring moonsault onto Eddie on the floor…God, there’s more high spots in this match and entire night of Raw. If this ends in a cheap way, I’m going to be pissed.

Rey hits another 619 , then goes for the top rope hurricarrana, switches it into a sunset flip, but Eddie with his tap-out submission move to take the win. Eddie was grabbing the rope, which makes me think it was a slight cheap win, but it as okay. Still a great match.

Torrie and her perverted Dad:

He confronts her, but she walks away. So, he walks into her dressing room, hoping to get a free peek at her “assets.” They talk some, but I cant get the vision of her and Dawn on a honeymoon out of my head. I’ve decided that my vision is a lot better than what is on television at this point. Oh, and one quick observation, his acting ability is absolutely phenomenal. Right on par with guys like Nicholas Cage and John Travolta’s. He also whines like a pig minutes before the axe drops.

The World:

Is apparently packed, but they never show the inside to prove their claim. You know, I have a feeling that this will be like every Hollywood Cafe ever opened: the burgers taste like hockey pucks and the bill always comes to $50 bucks for two people.

Jaime Noble and some slut named Nidia vs. Billy Kidman:

Seems all the WWE stars have been on Blind Date this week and let me tell you, that was some QUALITY entertainment. Jesus…I bet that went over like a fart in church.

Anyway, Noble goes to work on the right arm of Kidman. I can’t believe that Noble has held onto that title for five months. I also can’t believe that Nidia is happy with her role as Noble’s slut. Didn’t she win Tough Enough? Wasn’t that show designed to create wrestlers?

A couple of quick counters – including a Kidman dropkick that knocked Noble off the top turnbuckle. Kidman pulls out a win after he reverses a super-plex. If you missed it, then watch the PPV.

Dawn Marie is walking!!!

(Now, before I get hate mail for stealing CRZ’s tag line, I want it well known that I am doing that in honor of him. I mean, yes I am officially stealing the phrase from him, but it’s my way of honoring him forever. I’m sure he’ll be all right with it. As you guys know, he’s my idol, and may God rest his soul. <Hey, asshole, he’s not dead.> I know he’s not dead, but I wanted to say something nice now that he’s not here anymore. <But, you’re acting like he’s dead. How is that nice?> I don’t know. I wanted to say something… <Shut up asshole. You’re a dick.> Dude, that’s harsh. <You suck.> Thanks.) Anyway, Dawn finds that perverted old man crying, then gives him a boob – er – shoulder to cry on. How sweet.

Behind the scenes with Rey Rey:

Oh, now I understand the whole 619 thing. It’s his home area code. But, that doesn’t make sense? Why name your finisher after your area code? That’s a lot like…well, like nothing I’ve ever heard of before. I mean, I’m not going to name my cat 312 after my area code. Jeez.

Heyman and TNBT:

Heyman lies in telling Lesnar that he talked down to Speedy. Lesnar does not look happy about the idea. He wants a piece of Speedy, but he can’t because he has a couple of owwies. Heyman tries to get the two of them to leave the building, but Lesnar says he’s going to call Speedy to the ring.

Shrill and TazZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZ:

Needlessly promote Smackdown for PS2. I bet that the Stone Cold character isn’t in the game anywhere. I wonder if the Rock is on there at all, either.

You Suck vs. Gap Tooth:

Kurt decides to speak, and the crowd responds with “What?” I can’t believe Angle is still promoting that – it’s a riot. Austin’s memory lives on, despite the fed wanting to forget about him. Angle questions whether Rey hit puberty – that’s funny. Out come Dos Guerrero’s to talk some smack. That prompts a visit from the champs to discuss the Survivor Series Three Way. But, of course, Kurt steals the show with his mic work. Well, Edge is a close second. But, Angle has always been so good on the stick that it’s frightening. He can just make the crowd pop whenever he wants them to. And…we go to commercial. Damn it….

Okay, out comes that “gap-toothed” freak, after Hogan’s video promotion, and we’re off.

Anyway – have you noticed that this is not only a great show, but Steph has been noticeably absent tonight? See, that’s the difference between SD and Raw…SD doesn’t need a camera-only player to try and hold a show together. Raw needs Bischoff to make this thing work. The writers should take a long look at that and determine why that happens. 

God, Benoit and Angle are just beating the shit out of each other. You can tell the two of them are stiff workers, and absolutely love when they can be in the ring with another stiff worker. A hat trick German supplex by Benoit is countered by Angle, who gets the hat trick of his own. Angle gets cocky and looks for the slam, but it’s reversed into a crossface. Angle is looking to tap, but he reverses into an ankle lock. A counter out and an Angle slam connects, but Kurt jaws with the outside wrestlers and doesn’t pin. He screams at Eddie, then turns and puts Eddie’s submission finisher on Benoit. God, this thing is telling such a great story.

A pier 6 brawl explodes outside the ring, while - HOLY SHIT - Benoit hits a released German supplex, flipping Angle completely head over heels. Excellent. ‘

All six men are going at it. Then Angle put into a double ankle lock by Edge and Rey Rey. Then, Edge slaps a cross face on Benoit.

God, this is such a great story coming out. I haven’t seen this good of a tag team storyline since the Rockers, Harts and Demolition went at it in a three-way dance for the titles about 10 years ago. The wrestlers throw out each other’s finisher, and it gets out of hand. Beautiful. Angle and Benoit are left in the ring, which results in a stare down into a – cool – a handshake. Then, Angle looks for a hug – and gets a reluctant Benoit to embrace him. Then he wants Angle off him. Funny. This is perfect. If I’m getting Survivor Series, I’m doing it for this match alone.

TNBT and Heyman are walking!!!

TNBT and Heyman in the ring:

Lesnar calls out Speedy, and he comes out. Then a vicious chair shot, a blade to Show’s forehead, a title belt to the temple, and Show lies on the ground bleeding. This was not the way to end the show. They should have gone out on the high note storyline with the tag titles. Also, the replay shows Speedy getting speared into the stairs, but it completely sucked.

I have a feeling the worst match of the night at Survivor Series is going to be this one, despite it being for the title. It’s a shame really.

Overall:

You know, it was a good show with three of four decent storylines intertwined with a handful of incredible matches. I give it a9 out of 10. The only bad spot was the whole Spanish thing – only because I didn’t understand it (and neither did a large number of their demographic) and the whole Show/Lesnar thing. And, by the way, SD is 10 times better than Raw right now.

E-MAIL LEE FILAS
BROWSE THE SQUARED CIRCLE JERK ARCHIVES

Lee Filas is a 32-year-old newspaper reporter and wrestling fan from the Chicago-land Area.

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