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Better... Closer...
But Still Only a Five
May 14, 2002

by Lee Filas
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com


God, last week’s Raw just sucked. They have to have a better showing this week or I can just smell WWE stocks drop to nothing.

Well, that’s neither here nor there. Let’s just forget about the past and learn from it. I know I have.

But first:

From the Bag O’ Crystal Balls:


From George –

I would like to argue with you on some point of your rant, including the "someone forgot to put gas in the bike" to make Hogan look bad. Still, the Hogan thing and the Molly thing were the only thing that made RAW good last night.


Dear George –

Were we watching the same show last week?

From the Bag O’ long Winded:


From Elliot –

Yeah, I hated RAW too...but it did have its bright spots, besides the swimsuit contest and the hardcore match:

- D-Lo returning to kick off a European title feud with Regal. As soon as Regal proclaimed himself the greatest Eurochamp of all time, I was hoping that D-Lo would come out and make a case to the contrary. I wasn't disappointed. In fact, I think I clapped my hands, pumped my fist, and said "FUCK YEAH!"

- RVD/Hardy vs. Booker/Eddy. I thought it was a solid, well-worked match, especially with the awesome ending that saw RVD land the Five-Star Frogsplash a split second after Hardy hit the Swanton. Seeing the timing on that definitely made me sit up and take notice.

- At least it wasn't Arn Anderson. When Anderson was standing in the back saying "yes" and "you're right" all the time, I thought they were setting him up to turn heel and go nWo, which would suck because it would make even less sense than the Flair turn, and there wouldn't even be a match to blow it off, because Anderson can't wrestle anymore. Not that the Flair thing didn't suck the meat missile with gusto, but it could have been worse.

Oh, but there is a slightly convincing way they could have made the Flair thing work. After Flair turned on Austin and beat him up, they could have had him, Show, Pac, and Hall standing over the fallen Austin. Then, Show would chokeslam Hall, and Flair would beat up X-Pac. That leads nicely into the firing of Scott Hall, and X-Pac can lay low until Nash comes back. Also, it doesn't have Flair joining the nWo, which is stupid on at least five different levels (Flair with the punk-style nWo, Flair with the group that mocked Flair's best friend's retirement, Flair as a heel, the failure to swerve after telegraphing the Flair turn, and Flair in a group that had one guy get fired today and another one on the injured list). That would have worked much better than the full nWo turn that we got.


Dear Elliot –

Well said – a little long, but definitely well said.

Five Pre-Raw predictions:


  1. Something will happen with a motorcycle, so the two well-grown men can continue fighting like children.
  2. Trish will get Stratusfaction – but not with me.
  3. Just one word: Midgets.
  4. Austin and Flair will have it out in some way tonight.
  5. Hey Yo will not be on the show tonight.

Let’s replay last week’s craptacular event:


Sure, why not. Let’s show clips of the worst Raw in the history of Raw’s. In my opinion, the fed would do well enough if they just forgot last week ever happened.



Did I just see a couple of women getting it on in the opening credits? Fantastic.

Pyro means Raw is War, coming to you live from Toronto.

TNBT vs. the Hardy Boys:


Yes!!! I get my first look at Lilian…looking quite hot in the black pants and off the shoulder blue shirt thingy. I’d more than happily feed her Willie Russell the love muscle, if you know what I mean.

Jeff starts off by hitting Lesnar like a girl and Lesnar isn’t affected by it. Jeff works on the legs, gets out, and then Matt gets kicked around for a few minutes. Heyman is just screaming his head off on the outside while Matt turns things around. Lesnar didn’t learn how to sell the Jeff Hardy jaw-breaker, and manages to fall three times during the course of the move. A double high risk move puts Lesnar on his back, so Heyman pulls the ref out. And, for some reason, the bell rings.

They DQed Lesnar for what Heyman did? That happens every fucking show and they don’t do anything about it. Why is this a DQ now? I say stick to the rules you’ve been playing with – or else I get confused.

But, it doesn’t matter to TNBT, who gets himself some of Matt and Jeff, but Matt with a low blow, and then a swanton by Jeff lays out Lasnar. This is a bad thing for Lesnar. Lesnar has been a brutal man for the past month, wiping the floor with everyone. They should never have had the Hardy’s come back and actually get the best of Lesnar. Lesnar should have put them both out then stormed off.

But, theres more as Heyman wants Lesnar to wrestle at Judgment Day, so he puts himself into the ring. Matt’s response: "Yeah…duh…yeah, I’m in, duh….I live in a trailer park and sleep with my sister." What a Gomer.

Flair and the NWO:


Seems Flair fired Hall because he couldn’t get the job done, but from what I understand, he did get the job done – but had a little too much fun in Germany last week. Also, it seems Nash is recovering from surgery and – if you listen to Flair – Diesel is "thisclose" from coming back.

Flair is announcing a new NWO member tonight. God, not this again.

Flair in the ring:


This is a total retread of WCW, isn’t it?

HA!!! There’s a great sign in the third row that reads "Flair has puppies." Classic.

Anyway, Flair gets cheap heel heat by burning Canada, then bitches about Austin. So, he schedules Austin and Flair and the Big Show in a handicapped match at Judgment Day. I bet Austin wins that too.

Oh, and Flair just announced that he and Hogan are getting it on tonight. Well, it’s a good warm up to Biker vs. Hogan at Judgment Day. Old guys on Monday, old guys on Sunday.

Hogan in the building:


Hey, Hogan drove his own bike to the arena tonight. I sense some problems for Hogan here.

Meat vs. Eddie


You know, Meat is not a good actor. Eddie talks about drugs and Meat is insulted at the insinuation, and this is family programming at it’s finest.

Why is this show on the air tonight? They should just cancel it and end all of our miseries.

I swear to God, the more I watch this program, the more I see this as WCW from three years ago. I mean, look at the card: Stasiak vs. Eddie. Hogan vs. Flair. The NWO. It’s like Austin and the Biker signed contracts and switched to WCW. That’s all Raw is now…the WCW relived.

Stasiak needs to get out of this WWE contract and head off to New Japan Wrestling or something because he is the most expensive jobber on the roster.

Eddie wins – shocker – and now Van Dam is in to get him some.

He leaves, then points to himself, and I cant figure out what the hell the point of this whole thing was. Eddie also screwed up in calling the WWE the WWF. – twice. I bet there’s a fine in there somewhere.

Coach waiting for Baldy:


Debbie shows up and says that she is going to get him Austin.



Stay tuned: It’s Legend vs. Legend tonight when tit’s sag in the ring.

Austin in the back:


Austin speaks three words at a time and the crowd says "What?" Trust me when I tell you that you’ve seen this before.

Tommy Dreamer makes it onto television:


I guess Tommy Dreamer is finally going to start cashing in on that WWE contract tonight, but does it by drinking toilet water, shaving his tongue and brushing his teeth with the same brush that he used on a dog. Nice career move, Tommy.

Regal at ringside:

Molly vs. Perky:


Perky is wrestling? The fed must be out of chicks able to step in the ring. I’m surprised they actually haven’t called up Veronica to replace Lita.

Terri is – as always - looking hot as hell. Terri takes the battle to Molly first, then, after a minute, (Terri throws a bodyslam?) the tables are turned. After a minute, Terri comes back and – WHOA - pulls off a top rope hurricarana!! But, fucking JR ruins it by saying "Terri just wrapped her legs around Molly’s face then squeezed and CAME with that hurricarana." Jesus, JR, been awhile since getting laid?

Molly wins with a small package and Regal escorts her to the back.

Flair struts in the back:


And spends a little time speaking to himself.

Flair vs. Hogan:


Okay, so Flair comes out using his old theme, while Hogan comes out with his bike. Jesus, I am not looking forward to this at all. Okay, okay,– I know I’m going to get letter about how this is great for nostalgia and all of that, but the whole Hogan thing was never something I was into. Sorry.

Uh-oh, my new kitten wants to come up here and push some keys. Go ahead Zeus.

Uiiiiiiiiii-ifopppp rdeq.

Okay, he got bored and left and now he’s gone. WHAT!! It’s more exciting than what is on television.

Flair’s uses his old heel schtick, which I still think is working better with Jericho. Hogan shows he’s a powerhouse, while Flair shows his age by not being able to flip over the top rope anymore. He fell on his head.

However, it’s not too bad. I know we’ve seen all of this about a dozen times, but seeing it is all right. Flair cheats to get the upper hand on Hogan. Hogan Hulk’s up, drops the big leg, then the NWO comes out.

However, enter Bradshaw, then Austin, and Hogan gets the pin.

Short and sweet and they both head into the back for oxygen and geritol.

New WWE commercial:


she’s getting it on. Cute.



We saw this two minutes ago.



Is pissed off at the NWO for the Austin screw-job. He makes Bradshaw in a handicapped match against X-fuck and Speedy, while Austin’s next match will be a lumberjack match. Haven’t seen that in awhile.

Trish and Buh-buh vs. Stevie and Big Bitch:


I guess whoever wins this gets a championship. And, I have a feeling, with this being in Toronto, Trish will be named new woman’s champion.

Is it just me, or is Trish is looking exceptionally hot tonight? Did she get another boob job? They look bigger.

Wow…Trish was used as a projectile and was thrown on top of Stevie and BB. Cool move. After some wrestling the utensils come out, except Trish cant get the garbage can over the top rope.

This is a pretty good match so far. See, if the fed continues to do matches like this, I’d enjoy the show a little more. Is that too much to ask for? The problem is, they keep shoving guys like Meat down my throat.

The chaos has let loose, as Justin Credible comes in going for the title. He doesn’t get it, so out comes Crash Holly. A fire extinguisher clears the ring, but Bubba hits Credible with a guitar. Stevie runs for the hills, while Trish comes in the hard way. Double chicken-wing thrusts her boobs out, and I’m happy. I think that’s my favorite move.

However, out of nowhere, Trish hits the Stratusfaction Bulldog to become the champ. She also prompts Buh-buh to get wood (when the mic finally turns on) and Buh-buh destroys a table with the Big Bitch. Fun match.



Underbiker gets his bike destroyed.

Underbiker in the back:


Biker is at a lost for words and instead bangs his head against the wall, then walks away. Ohhh…chilling.

Judgment Day preview:


Which is this Sunday. Just in case you’re wondering, I’m not getting it.

Goldy and Bookerwheat:


Booker is dressed like a damn lumberjack…though he looks funny with the beard on.

Vinnie will be with Bob Costas again:


God, the last one was good. I hope this one is better.

NWO vs. Bradshaw:


It’s about what you expect. Bradshaw beats up X-fuck, then gets his ass kicked around by the Giant. A double choke slam ends the thing, but X-fuck comes in for the cover to show that he is a proven little shit that everyone is SUPPOSED to hate.



We just saw it but why not show it again.

JR and King:


Spend a lot of time hyping the Austin lumberjack match before heading to…

Hogan and Coach:


Hogan thanks Baldy for saving his ass, but Underbiker shows up and takes a really long time tying Hogan to the back of his bike. HA!!! He drags him through the halls of the arena behind the bike, but only at about 4 miles per hour. Hell, I could do that.

That’s pretty good. Not good because it impresses me…but it’s so stupid that it’s funny. It was so good that they replay it 30 seconds AFTER it happened. But, now they’re back, and Hogan intentionally rolls at extremely slow speed into a precariously placed pile of empty cardboard boxes and some loud pipes. It’s apparent that he’s in pain and possibly dying.

Replay it again:


Hogan’s a mess. It’s a tragedy. And everyone works to get him to the hospital.

You know, seeing this scene reminds me of the time Mick Foley was trying to give Vinnie a Big Gulp while Vinnie was loaded into the back of an ambulance. See, now, that was entertainment. Not this garbage. This is just stupid.

Austin vs. Bookerwheat in a lumberjack match:


Lets see, NWO, Lesnar, Regal, Booker, Goldy, Big Boss man, Raven and Flair.

Austin battles, but gets tossed in the ring. Flair now announces the Wheat is NWO, but it doesn’t really matter. Austin starts to win, but is tossed outside at one point and Austin fights his way through three men, until he hits Lesnar, at which point TNBT kicks the hell out of him. God, that’s a battle in the future if there ever was one.

Booker continues the onslaught, but Austin refuses to be pinned and battles back. He’s tossed outside again and gets kicked around. Again the fight ensues, Booker cant put him away. After the same thing a couple more times, Austin with a stunner and the pin, and he sneaks away. But, on the ramp Arn runs out to become Flair’s version of Patterson and Briscoe. Nice move Arn. Become a Stooge. The NWO kicks Austin around and we’re off the air after a big show slam.


Not too bad – definitely an improvement over last week, but the show has truthfully turned into WCW circa 1997. I give it 5 stars out of 10, but they need to change the rosters or else this thing will fold just like WCW did.

Truthfully, no one sent me a PFOT this week. However, the bag is starting to fill up so I’m going to whip out the sack and empty it on the Internet. I’m sure you’ll enjoy that.

See you later.




Lee Filas is a 32-year-old newspaper reporter and wrestling fan from the Chicago-land Area.


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