by Lee Filas
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

Well, whatever let’s get it done…

But, before we begin:

From the Bag O’ Check her out!!!:

From Shane –

On Raw, when they did the little Billie and Chuck thing in the women’s locker room, there was an attractive light skinned black woman in a towel behind them. Jackie was standing next to her, and she was too small to be "that Big Bitch" Jazz. My first guess was it was Paisley, but I'm not sure if she was even signed to a contract. Just curious if I was the only one to have seen it.

Dear Shane –

I think you are talking about Charmel, soon-to-be-Mrs. Little T – but I may be wrong. If I am, I’ll let you know next week because my inbox will be flooded with e-mails calling me a moron.  

From David –

And from Gregory -

And from Dr, Morton again –

Here’s my point in a nutshell; The Super Bowl - one of the largest sporting events on the Earth –was watched by millions of people from the four corners of the globe yesterday. But, the sport of American Football has not been introduced to the Olympics as either a summer or winter event. Yet, a drunken fat guy tossing a stone across a sheet of ice can get you a gold medal? Now, you tell me something isn’t wrong with that picture.

Dear David, Gregory and Dr. Morton –

I friggin’ give up:

Curling is the greatest sport ever played during the Winter Olympics. In fact, I am now in and forever will be in love wit Curling!! Viva Curling!!!

But, again, the two-man Luge is something I will never understand.

1: Hulk Hogan, Kevin Nash and Scott Hall will not appear live on Raw tonight!!!

2: I’m going to vomit hardcore during the vow’s thing.

3: I will not be able to understand King and JR because the morons in the WWF truck have NO IDEA WHAT THE FUCK THEY ARE DOING!!!!

4: Stacy Kiebler will be defiled yet again, but this time by Torrie Wilson.

5: I will empty out the sack on Thursday for those people who have been waiting for two weeks to see their mail in print on the net!!!

But, time for Raw –

The life of the Helmsley's will take over the ring tonight – but a quick hit list for those of you scoring at home:

The GaHHHme scores Steph over Test – they get married –they spend the last two years pissing off the WWF – the GaHHHme destroys his leg – a pregnancy comes along - they go for the whole vow renewing thing – the world thinks it’s a moronic storyline – but hell, let’s do it anyway.

But, on a happy note - Torrie and Stacy in a bikini match!! Yeah!!

I CAN’T HEAR YOU, JR!!! Damn it, who the fuck sets the sound in this company? The stuffed chimp that Angle brought to the ring last week?

HELLO, ARKANSAS, UNDERBIKER’S A BAD GUY!!! God, even he is impressed by the reaction he gets. But, everyone who thinks Biker will be joining the NWO at Wrestlemania, please raise your hand.

Okay, this is going no-where fast. Ha!! The tron is running footage and Biker talks over it forgetting it’s on. I take it by not hearing "If Ya Smell" that Dwayne is off doing that other career thing tonight, eh? I see, they are selling his injury conveniently…Does this son of a bitch work at the WWF anymore?

Man, would someone please liven this segment up already…I’m so bored I could eat my tongue.

THANK GOD FOR FLAIR!!!

Hey, I can understand The Man. How nice. Thanks Vinnie for paying for the speech lessons that made Flair an audible man again. Thanks Flair for working so hard to become an audible man again.

I guess the Dwayne has a "Class One" concussion or something – but that’s not going to stop him from appearing at No Way Out!!! How friggin’ ridiculous is that? I guess that means Rock will not be here this week at all – until Sunday. Nice move Rock….

Flair decides Austin will face Biker tonight – whatever.

He is, dammit, he is.

They strut they act cool, and nothing else.

Isn’t there some sort of PPV this week? Shouldn’t the damn writers try a little harder to get me to plunk down my hard earned money for this thing?

This should be a good match, but at what point are they going to accept the fact the Jericho deserves to be in the main event? I mean, the guy has done everything necessary to make himself a believable champion WORTHY of being in the main event of the night. Yet, he gets the shaft and placed second on the overall card?

Ah, it’s a non-title match up. I see, that makes it okay then. You morons….

The other thing bothering me about this whole Austin, Jericho feud is – don’t you think Austin should be more stoked to face Jericho for the championship this weekend? Have these two even said two words to each other? It’s like Jericho doesn’t even know Austin is coming while Austin doesn’t give a rats ass about Jericho. In essence, I’m disappointed with the buildup for this feud.

You know, now that I see them in the ring, this could be Jericho and a clone wrestling each other. If I had to recap it, it would be something like this:

The long-haired blond Canadian knocks down the long-haired blond Canadian. Then the long-haired blond Canadian punches the other long-haired blond Canadian. Add a drop kick by the long-haired blond Canadian sending the long-haired blond Canadian to the mat.

I just want to apologize for what I wrote above. I had nothing to say and tried to come up with something. But, it’s not my fault, I’m not the only one falling asleep during this show tonight. I think the entire state of Arkansas is out cold…

An Edge spear doesn’t spell a pin, but somehow Jericho pulls it out with a belt to the ribs.

Okay – moving right along…

And Shrill stops him. Vinnie tells us that he is here because of business. He claims this is the last Raw before the return of the NWO – but I think he’s here to walk his daughter down the aisle in what could very well become the world’s worst storyline.

Watching television and he’s pissed off. Maybe he’s pissed because his bride is a slut. Maybe it’s because he’s being dragged into a shitty storyline. Maybe it’s because his wife screeches worse than my Mom’s fingernails digging across an old, dirty chalkboard. Nope – he’s mad at Kurt "You Suck" Angle. He announces he’s got something to take care of and leaves – prompting me to wonder if he’s off to work up that resignation letter after being dragged into this shitty pregnant storyline.

No Way Out is this Sunday – though you wouldn’t know it by watching this crap.

Terri’s ex vs. Fatty –

Oh, this is just perfect. A blatantly homo-erotic butt-pirate will take on a guy who likes to shove other wrestlers into his rectum. This is all I friggin’ need to see now. Though, I could turn this into a fun game: Let’s all count the amount of homosexual moves in this match. Goldy gets the first one by jamming Fatty’s face into his ass. Two is Goldy sending his knee into Fatty’s crotch. Three is a set up for the groin kick….but The Dude interrupts our fun with a Van-Daminator off the top rope. Terri’s ex makes a mad dash for the hills, while Rikishi is upset because his rectum went untouched.

Isn’t there something better on television tonight? Like Curling?

And Arn hands him a video tape…better known as the videotape of doom. You don’t think that’s the tape that will ruin their marriage – and this fiasco – do you? Maybe it’s the real father!!!

Hey, welcome to "What" central. SCSA explains that Jonesboro, Arkansas is a dry county, which of course pisses off alcoholics like SCSA. Other than that – Steve expresses discontent for the Underbiker, Jericho, and shows he is one hell of a speller. On a side note, he snuck past at least 3 "son of a bitch" statements. In fact, there were so many that, if I were taping this, I’d go back and count them and replace the "whats" at the end of this article.

I want to now applaud the writers of this program. In 45 minutes, we have had two wrestling matches: one was DQ’d and lasted exactly one minute and another that lasted about 4 minutes.

Singing…I think the song was called "Together," but it should have actually been called "Pointless"

Will someone tell me why these two are facing each other? There is really no reason for this match to be taken place. See, that’s what the WWF has been screwing up lately…they give us no reason why people are fighting together or against each other. They have this random thing deciding who faces who – like CRZ’s random tag generator but now it’s working on singles. In the old days, if Austin faces the Underbiker tonight, then the Dwayne would face Jericho. But the Godfather? It doesn’t make any sense.

This is over before it even starts…and the escorts are all upset about it. They should just be happy for the television time.

You think Angle is sitting around watching he Olympic during all the free time he has between cities, or does he thumb his nose at the Winter Olympics and calls it "that other Olympics." I bet he does. What a dick.

God, this show sucks tonight. This is NOT the way to get me to buy a PPV.

He gives her a giant GLASS ring and she loves it. I bet she wishes it was real. God, I don’t even have anything witty to say about this. It’s just so damn stupid.

First off, I want to say that I missed some things as my laptop decided to crash when this match started. However, I recovered managed to recover everything written above. Thank God too. I had visions of retyping the entire first hour and it scared me to death.

Anyway – Jericho attacked SCSA on his way to the ring, which is good. It’s about time they showed these two hating each other a little. The Underbiker spends some time kicking Austin’s ass around.

But, back to live action. Oh No!!! Underbiker just used the dreaded "Hogan back rake!" That’s not right it’s cheating – and it’s stupid. But, we need to get ready for it because we’ll be seeing that in less than six days.

Austin hits a stunner and the Underbiker sells it like a complete moron! He landed on his feet for Christ’s sake!! That was the most pathetic thing I think these eyes have ever seen. And Jericho is back to get him some.

Jericho hitting Austin with beer is just wrong. Look at him wasting all that beer in a dry county. It’s like rubbing your ass all over a 25-pound turkeys in front of 1,000 Ethiopians.

Look at the fans in the front row just drooling over one sip of that wasted shit. And, to make it worse, that ring is going to smell like shit for the wedding later.

Jericho runs away like a scalded dog – twice – according to JR. Thanks Mr. VP of Talent Relations.

Hey, Bucky makes an appearance. Where the hell has he been lately? Wasn’t he supposed to get a push here pretty soon. Oh, that’s right, they have Nash back. They don’t need Bucky anymore.

Are these two teams fighting at No Way Out? And - if they are – may I ask why? Just book the Outsiders in the match and give them the belts. Everyone knows they are going to get it anyway.

Test is outside the ring looking at his hand and shaking his head like T for some reason – but I have no idea why? Tazz goes for the mission, but a low blow ends the problem. Test also just pounded the hell out of Spike Dudley.

And someone screwed up on his theme music. God, even the production crew doesn’t want to be here tonight.

Okay, the Dud’s speak, but when you get a chance, hit rewind on your VCR’s and watch this segment again. There is a chick with bright red hair in the back – the one with monstrous hooters – I bet she shows some nipple before this whole segment is over. Come on you little slut. Some on – you know you want to….DAMMIT!!! She wiggled them, a lot, but she never showed a nip or anything. See, that would have been entertainment.

Defiled Dudley vs. The hottest girl in the fed:

This is being called a "wrestling" match for some reason, but I don’t understand why. For those of you in the forum who spent this week bickering over which one is hotter (I read those things) how can you honestly say that Stacy is hotter than Torrie. Stacy has great legs – yea – but Jesus….look at Torrie. She is the whole package.

Hold on, I need to take a break and watch this.

This is just gratuitous sex, and I’m not complaining, even though Stacy missed her sit on Torrie's face pin thing I wanted to see. Stacy wins and acts like a slut…but the true winners of this contest are you and me.

The GaHHHme reviewing the mysterious video tape:

That tape is going to come into play…someway. Somehow. Ewwww - The GaHHHme kisses Steph long and hard….and I saw tongue.

Thank God I’m not doing Thursdays anymore. I think the girlfriend would castrate me if I was.

Didn’t he do this when he first came out in the 80s?

This should perk me up, but knowing the way the nights been going. it’ll be way too short. But the crowd – like me – is totally out of it for this. I mean, you know it’s quiet when you can hear the referee word for word yell at the wrestlers. What the hell is going on with this thing tonight? It’s just falling flat. The crowd is bored out of their skulls, no one is looking forward to this wedding fiasco that’s planned and the matches don’t make sense – all with a major PPV less than 6 days away.

This could have been a five-star match in my opinion, but I’m so bored with the show tonight that – short of someone dying – nothing would get me going for this. And now, Van Dam slipped on some beer. And then he misses a moonsault by a foot and a rolling thunder by 6 inches.

Christian, though, is quite funny when acting like a pouter and RVD nails the frog star for the win. It started off shitty, and there were some missed spots, but it turned out pretty decent. By the way, Terri’s ex tells RVD that he will meet him at No Way Out. Whoopie!!!

Great – only a couple minutes until hell. And to prove a point, Linda’s been looking for her son-in-law. Maybe she sent the tape of Steph being a slut.

I told you guys I used to write television scripts before, so I’m going to try my hand at writing the premise for this storyline ahead of it playing out on TV, then we’ll see how it plays out.

The GaHHHme hangs up the phone saying he will watch the video-tape. He watches it, but doesn’t say anything. Instead he goes through the first half of the ceremony, but when it comes time for him to say "I do" – he doesn’t. Instead, he said he watched a tape courtesy of Linda – then shows the tape, where Steph is seen entering a room with either Angle or Jericho.

And, now their version:

So far so good – I was off a little so far – Linda got the tape first and wants the GaHHHme to watch it. Apparently its shown the guy was an actor and Steph isn’t pregnant. So, instead of doing the other guy scenario, they are doing the lying slut scenario. But, the rest will play out the same way. He fakes his love then walks out on her

I would kill my future wife if she had any intentions of wearing that thing at my wedding. Man, slut, show some more cleavage. Vince explains that she looks nice, when he should have said that she looks like a slut. I guess Vinnie is walking her down the aisle. Which means he’ll be getting a pedigree tonight. HOLY SHIT!!!! Vinnie just checked out her hooters…that sick fuck!!!

The GaHHHme actually looks relieved to put this whole storyline fiasco behind him. He’s got to put up with this for one show and he can go back to kicking ass like he wants to. God, does she look like a whore, and the fans start the slut chant.

This is just turning into a huge fucking clusterfrick. And, here comes the "What" chant. Hunter looks like the chant is pissing him off – which it should. He’s gotta be sick of it by now.

Man, this is friggin stupid…I mean just overacting friggin’ stupid. I can’t believe I am sitting here watching this crap. See the pain I put myself through for Rick Scaia, Eitan, CRZ and the rest of the OO community.

Triple H looks like his neck threw up into a head, and she looks like she needs a kick in the teeth. And, I still say my storyline was so much better.

They wrote vows, and I’m going to be sick. I swear, she got another boob job while we were watching this segment.

You know, roughly 21,000 Americans died of smoking during this long-assed segment. Too bad I wasn’t one of them.

The brilliant TNN sensors just let the word "asshole" sneak through.

Steph just got kicked to the curb….and so did this whole stupid storyline.

Vinnie gets the pedigree…whoops - he fell – now he gets the pedigree for real.

And thankfully we are out of here….

Overall:

No grade – a zero. The crowd was flat – it was boring and I am not buying the No Way Out thing this weekend. God, this was the worst Raw I have seen yet.

Number of "What’s": Not until you guys know when to start controlling your use of "What’s.

Number of "Woo’s": 10 by the audience, one by Flair.

Number of Points-To-Self: Four – two by the Dude and two by Christian

Number of Thongs: None – the bastards. I’m taking this out next week.

Number of times Stacy Kiebler was defiled in some way: At least three – it would have been more if she planted her ass on Torrie’s face right.

Number of heads up Rikishi’s ass: None…this I’m thankful for.

Hottest Chick: Kimberly and the girl in the confession room – during my Raw from last week.

Number of predictions I got right: Three…oh well.

Have a good week and see you next Monday.

E-MAIL LEE FILAS
BROWSE THE SQUARED CIRCLE JERK ARCHIVES

Lee Filas is a 32-year-old newspaper reporter and wrestling fan from the Chicago-land Area.

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