by Lee Filas
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

Oh, and for those of you keeping score at home, I got semi-engaged this week. She has the promise ring on her hand and will be getting the big heirloom in a couple of months. (I can’t say exactly when in case she decides to read this, sorry) So, send all the congrats you want to me at the link at the bottom. And, no, it’s not the confessional room girl.

But, before the NOW (dammit!) ruins the WWF, let’s get the normal things out of the way:

From the Bag O’ Hate My Computer:

From Paul E. -

After you type the letters "NWO" & Word changes it to "NOW" just hit Ctrl+Z & continue typing... Now calm the F*** down!! :-)

Dear Paul E.

Damn you Bill Gates for making my life so complicated that a guy like Paul E. has to swoop in and steal all my fun!!! Damn you…damn you all to HELL!!!!

Test: NWO NWO NWO NWO

Hey, it works!!! Thanks Paul!!

From A.C. (Colin) Morton of the National Superconducting Cyclotron Laboratory at Michigan State University –

Dear Dr. Morton –

After reading your diatribe about "curling," I must say that I actually feel my brain oozing out of my skull through my ear. Curling is throwing a stone across a sheet of ice while four fat guys with brooms "sweep" the ice to speed said stone up or down, depending on where the ice "bullseye" is located. This is a sport that ANYONE – including Pabst Blue lover Rick Scaia – could win a gold medal at. It’s retarded…nothing more, nothing less. I ask you, sir, by allowing this travesty to become an Olympic event, what could possibly be next? How about midget tossing? Or maybe you’d prefer the awesome event of loogie hocking? Or, perhaps you’d like to keep bodily fluids out of the event and perhaps would introduce stick flinging?

Here’s my point in a nutshell; The Super Bowl - one of the largest sporting events on the Earth –was watched by millions of people from the four corners of the globe yesterday. But, the sport of American Football has not been introduced to the Olympics as either a summer or winter event. Yet, a drunken fat guy tossing a stone across a sheet of ice can get you a gold medal? Now, you tell me something isn’t wrong with that picture.

And, just to be clear, I have a real problem with bobsledding too. I mean, I totally understand the whole risk involved with the sport – and the bobsledding is cool - but with the four man bobsledding teams, what the hell do the second and third guys do to deserve a medal? I mean, they aren’t controlling the brakes and they aren’t controlling the steering…aside from pushing in the beginning and staying in the sled…what the hell is the point of having them around?

I’m telling you, cut out some of these stupid things – like the four-man bobsled, curling, and the two-man luge (Who’s the butt pirate who thought that event up? I mean, I understand the notion of sledding, but not once while I was heading down the hill did I ever think, "Hmmmm, you know what would be a great thing to do? Let’s stick another man on my chest and we can ride down the hill on top of each other.") – and you could shorten the damn Olympics to one week.

From Zach –

Dear Zach -

I’m a looking, my brother. If I see it, you get a T-shirt.

1: Hulk Hogan, Kevin Nash and Scott Hall will not appear on Raw tonight!!!

2: Steph and The GaHHHme will get into another marital squabble.

3: I will not be able to understand King and JR because the morons in the WWF truck have NO IDEA WHAT THE FUCK THEY ARE DOING!!!!

4: Stacy Kiebler will be defiled yet again.

5: I will empty out the sack on Thursday for those people who have been waiting for two weeks to see their mail in print on the net!!!

There’s a replay in my future….

Flair cries, then Flair lies. He tells Vinnie to shove it while SCSA attacks with a stunner. A contract is ripped and the NWO is coming….

Holy cow! I can understand Flair. See what happens when you admit a speech impediment and strive to work past it. He begins to talk about the NWO, but is cut off by the opening credits – huh?

Live from Vegas….

SCSA and the Dwayne will face Your Champion and the Underbiker – (Rock decided to show up for work today? Wow!!

But, before that happens…

You know, the GaHHHme only looks big. He’s not really. One swift kick to the knee and he would so drop like a house of cards. I could take him.

The GaHHHme tells us he hates You Suck, and he wants the Olympian to come out here so he can show us.

But, unfortunately, Little T thinks it’s his cue and comes out instead.

And, it seems, we have an impromptu match between:

Ross tells me that You Suck isn’t in the house, but I beg to differ. I mean, if Hall, Nash and Hogan are here backstage, you can bet your ass that You Suck is here. The GaHHHme shows the power moves and manages to take Little T down pretty quickly, but You Suck comes out to join the party and hands Little T a DQ loss. Olympic Slam leaves the GaHHHme in pain, which of course signifies that the two will meet in 13 days at No Way Out. Can you smell the stipulation here?

After the break, a replay shows that You Suck comes out again and the GaHHHme is in pain again.

So, this of course leads to:

The GaHHHme corners one of the refs and spits his words of hatred, which of course the ref cries about. He says something about You Suck hanging with Vinnie and Hogan and Nash and Hall, but we aren’t supposed to know that yet. So, the GaHHHme decides to head off in search of our Olympic hero.

They bitch about lipstick when the Ass Chuckers come in showing off their new poster. They fight over who poses better, leading to the pose off contest that was originally supposed to be on Smackdown Thursday but found it’s way to the editing room floor instead.

Cops protect Vinnie’s NWO locker room, but that doesn’t stop the GaHHHme. He wants in, but instead You Suck comes out. He mentions that he has a shot against the GaHHHme at No Way Out, for – of course – the shot at Wrestlemania. The GaHHHme wants to know the sentence behind aggravated assault while Ross informs us "That’s not fair!" So’s life, Mr. Vice-President in charge of Talent Relations. Deal with it. It happens this way every year.

Bubba makes me laugh every time he wrestles. He’s so good at playing to the crowd and the wrestler every time he gets in there. Defiled gets up on the apron for her weekly panty raid segment – but it’s halted? Hey, a referee actually caught on to the whole double team thing! Man, this blows. Stacy won’t be defiled tonight. This is the third week in a row where she didn’t show her charms. How pathetic is this company getting. Bubba, of course, climbs the ropes and misses, setting up the frog splash and the win…and the Titan-tron comes on to show us that Goldy has picked his new lover. He is so creepy sometimes…and the infamous ball shot tells us the original Golddust is back. I still remember him and Hall, it was a classic battle of mind games.

However, on the other hand, this makes no sense. Why the hell would Goldy pick on The Dude? I still say he should have gone after the Rock…it would have been more believable and a better battle. But, oh well, maybe down the line.

Another question I have is how is Teri Runnels handling the fact that her ex-husband will be hanging around the locker room?

AHHHHH!!! Sorry, the camera was way to close, but now that the camera pulls back I notice a couple of things that kind of turn me on. Is it me or is she looking hot tonight? Apparently Steph has something to tell us later – great. Can’t wait. How much you wanna bet it’s a pregnancy thing? Either that or she wants to divorce him instead of versa-vica.

Underbiker seems upset, and I still can’t totally figure out why. Maybe it’s because assholes like me claim he doesn’t sell anymore…nah, that can’t be it. And the crowd breaks into needless what’s for no reason, reminding me that I really am beginning to hate that catch phrase. In walks Your Champion to push the main event tag match. Jericho is such a riot…so pompous and yet so small compared to everyone else. It makes me giggle.

No disrespect to CRZ, and I’m not trying to steal his catchphrase, but they really are walking. Sorry, dude. Go ahead and steal one of mine.

I guess this is some screwed up rule thing that will no doubt end in some weird non-title exchange. The champs – of course – stand next to the APA to show exactly how small they are, which is why I like them as champs so much. It makes me giggle even more. However, I’m predicting that the Ass Chuckers will have the belts in no time because they are getting way too much television time. Spike pulls it out in the end due to a little APA interference, which means that the Ass Chuckers will be meeting the little guys at No Way Out.

Again, sorry CRZ, but that is exactly what he’s doing.

Vinnie bitches and shows a replay of Thursday, and I’m going to take a break here and try to find the sign I was promised. Nope…nope….nope…nope….nope….nope….I guess I’m not giving away a T-shirt this week, eh?

The long and short of it…Vinnie bitches, calls out Flair, they almost fight – a lot – then they show a clip of Hogan, Nash and Hall with the NWO. Seems we now know who is coming to be the poison, which of course ends weeks of mere SPECULATION on behalf of the entire wrestling Internet writers.

However, did I lose a prediction here? See, the NWO wasn’t at the show, but they were on the big screen. So, does that mean my prediction is right or wrong?

Hmmmm….

Okay, the three talk about how shitty to have the NWO back. What the hell was the point of that? I’m stupider just seeing that.

Ummm, let’s see….tape replay….Fatty in the ring….remote control…FAST FORWARD!!!!! There’s Edge and a superfast stinkface that I don’t have to endure. Hooooooray for me!!!

Sorry – again – CRZ for stealing….hey, wait. You never coined Coach is KNOCKING!!!! HA!!!!

The Dwayne hates the Underbiker and he tells us just how much. Welcome to catch-phrase central…and a song sung way off key to boot. It must be my special day!!!

Chris, man, I’m totally sorry. It’s not my fault. I’m just calling it like I see it. I love you MAN!!!

Whoa!! What in the hell is she wearing? She is looking way to friggin’ hot in that. The only problem is that she is going to – there it is – SPEAK!!! Shut up!!! God, my ears are bleeding. That voice kills small woodland animals!!!

Out comes the hubby and she wines about renewing her vows to him. He says no and acts like its over – they wont end it this way. There has to be more – drop the other shoe.

THANK YOU!!!! Pregnancy it is!!! I’ll take stupid storylines for $400, Alex.

A storyline involving the Big Show and the Big Bossman…..what is driving the Big Show’s Dad’s casket around a cemetery?

I smell this storyline failing so bad it’s appalling. Its’ going to tank as hard as the "Linda in a comatose state" storyline. How friggin stupid.

I guess they ran out of women to fight, because these two have been going at it since the Rumble. Of course, Trish has a new outfit and she looks exceptionally hot in it. And it only takes 1.3 second for the creeper to set in with the new outfit. How nice for me. You know, though, I think the reason they keep going back to these two is because they can actually wrestle against each other. They put on a pretty good show. And, it’s about time Big Bitch beat Trish. But, of course, I smell revenge awaiting at No Way Out.

Well, let’s see………um……..so far, I have nothing to say. If I were a recapper, then I would have a lot of shit to write about, but I’m a reviewer which means I only speak when something is good or bad. This is definitely somewhere in-between. I mean, the Underbiker is selling well, the four are working well together, and Austin is allowing himself to be kicked around by Y2J a little to keep it even. But, then again, the Rock is pulling his punches about three feet from Underbiker's face, and both Biker and Dwayne look winded. So, it’s a definite in between. The lead pipe to Rock’s head was a definite screw job ending I didn’t like, but it’s all right. It was a decent match that did what it was supposed to – which is up the ante for the PPV a little. I shrug in the way of liking it or not.

Overall:

It was an okay show. I smell two major disasters on the horizon from tonight – that being the handling of the NWO and this whole pregnancy mess. But, again, the matches weren’t too bad and the show flowed well, despite some segments being thrown in for NO APPARENT REASON. So, I give it a 6.5. Argue with me all you want.

Number of "What’s": Not until you guys know when to start controlling your use of "What’s.

Number of "Woo’s": You know, I totally forgot to count.

Number of Points-To-Self: Two. One from RVD and one from Bubba.

Number of Thongs: None, but some decent towel shots in the women’s locker room.

Number of times Stacy Kiebler was defiled in some way: None. This sucks.

Number of heads up Rikishi’s ass: One – Regal’s. But he’s been there before so he shouldn’t even notice.

Hottest Chick: Torrie Wilson…but Steph was a real close second tonight. If she would learn to wear something hot like she did tonight and just shut up, she might actually win this once.

Number of predictions I got right: One out of five – are you friggin’ kidding me? One friggin’ answer right out of five? What the hell am I doing here? Dude, I suck!!!

Have a good week and see you next Monday – or Thursday if I ever get off my ass and actually do some work around here.

E-MAIL LEE FILAS
BROWSE THE SQUARED CIRCLE JERK ARCHIVES

Lee Filas is a 32-year-old newspaper reporter and wrestling fan from the Chicago-land Area.

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