by The Immolator
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

"And he’s got sharp teeth like Rin Tin Tin/Capt. Lou, Capt. Lou Albano"    — NRBQ.

This is The Ring. My name is “The Immolator” Calum Macbeth, and I like to hurt people. BOO-yah!

T’was one year ago when The Rick, full of glory and renown, allowed The Immolator the pleasure of recapping Heat for this very website. Ah, the memories… Big Show v. Brooklyn Brawler… Kurt Angle, lost in New York… and, of course, Whoa! from “Kung Pow: Enter the Fist.” From there, Immo was elevated to SD! recap duties. Ah, the memories… The Kane-anites… Vince and Stacy playing tonsil hockey… Angle’s Hell Toupee…

Well, that lasted all of two months before I decided to get in the damn ring myself. If you wanna see how I’ve progressed, click on…

http://www.onlineonslaught.com/columns/immolator/

My odyssey as a wrestling student is nearing its end. I taped up my ankle again this past Tuesday and went into The House of Pain for Lesson 46 of 50. We stuck to the basics again, working the leg, top wristlocks and side headlock takedowns. Vance Nevada always emphasizes the fundamentals of wrestling, and that’s a good thing. After the lesson, we brought the crash pad into the ring and tried out a few moves. For example, yours truly tried out breaking his neck by doing moonsaults off the second turnbuckle.

Yes, it’s come to that. Two of our more veteran guys were at the lesson, Dropkick Murphy and Private Rage. They were popping moonsaults onto the crash pad, and, dammit, I had that disease wash over me again, probably the same disease Chris Jericho had when we broke himself trying the Shooting Star press. So, I asked Dropkick and Rage to stand on either side and help turn me around mid-sault if it looked like I was about to land on my head.

I landed on my head. I got no air off the turnbuckle, and ended up just about vertical, landing on my shoulders. Part of the problem was I had my head tucked into my chest, as I have been trained to do so as not to kill myself when I fall. But on a moonsault, you have to arch your back in the other direction. I gave it a second try, and got my legs past vertical this time, but I still had my head tucked in instead of arched back, so I landed in pretty much the same position as if I had been on the receiving end of a German suplex.

That was it for me. Maybe there will be another day when I feel brave enough to try those again, but not anytime soon. I settled instead for a few flying elbows off the top, some Germans, spinebusters, a superplex and a Hamada cutter. You know, easy stuff. Then again, everything’s easy into the crash pad. Don’t try this at home.

Lesson 47 was Wednesday. More basics: shoulder tackles, drop downs, hip tosses, arm drags, bodyslams. And, once again after the official lesson, the crash pad. Back body drops, superplexes, vertical suplexes and… power bombs. Next week, the crash pad will not be there. Aiyeee!

My in-ring graduation date is set for December 21^st, provided I can prove to the evaluators I can do the stuff I’ve been trained to do. After that… I’m gone. I have a sweet sportswriting gig in Halifax, Nova Scotia, Canada starting in the New Year. Whether I get to fit any wrestling in remains to be seen.

Such is life.

Until next time… Peace.

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