by The Immolator
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

"Frick frick frick frick frick frick frick!!!"
      — Me, after I sprained my ankle the Saturday before last.

This is The Ring. My name is “The Immolator” Calum Macbeth, and I like to hurt people. But I seem to hurt myself a lot more instead.

So, there I was at the House of Pain, ready and eager to take my craft to the next level. I was just starting to get some more speed and crispness into my work, I was feeling good about my prospects, studying tape, thinking more seriously about hooking up with an indy fed in Japan in the mid-future. Yup, I was feeling good. Until we started learning baseball slides.

I didn’t slide so much as plummet. Snap, crackle, pop…

A trip to the X-ray lab at the University of British Columbia followed. They have a nice big digital machine, and I was able to look at the results along with the doctor. The good news is, my bones are all present and accounted for. The bad news, I have a Grade 2 sprain of something-or-other in my left ankle, and a Grade 1 sprain of my left MCL. If I hadn’t already bundled up my knees nice and tightly after I screwed up the right one, it probably would have been worse.

So, I’m on the shelf for another couple of weeks. I can walk around fine already, but running is still out of the question. On that note, I apologise for not contributing a column last week. This time around, neither sprain nor strain nor lingerie models sashaying will keep me from my appointed rounds. Geez, somebody get them some food. Naomi Campbell still looks hot, though. And Tyra, of course. Treeee-mendous Tyra.

Oh, yeah… wrestling.

We have the good fortune here in Vancouver of having a solid bunch of guys in NWA-ECCW, and some hot crowds to work in front of. The wrestling is actually of very good quality. I was watching some old UWF stuff from 1990 on ESPN Classic. Frustratingly bad television, considering the good amount of talent they had. The work we do in ECCW is better.

A lot as changed since 1990. Obviously, there’s a lot more emphasis on cruiserweights nowadays, thanks in large part to the success people like Muta and Liger had in WCW. Me, I think of Lyle Alzado.

It was the summer of 1990 when Sports Illustrated ran the cover story on Alzado. He confessed to using large amounts of steroids and growth hormone, and he believed at the time they were responsible for his cancer. Now, I’m not going to get into the moral or scientific arguments, but that SI cover was a bombshell. That was also, if I’m not mistaken, the year non-prescription steroids were declared illegal in the United States. The Zahorian/WWF trial a few years later brought everything to a head, and the Era of the Big Man… well, it still lives, but the mid-card is now rife with cruiserweights.

Still, no matter how good of an athlete you are, even if you are a Man of 1,007 Holds like myself, it all goes to hell in the ring unless you have a good story to tell. And my story is going to get pretty old if I keep injuring myself…

Until next time, comrades, peace.

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