by The Immolator
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

"I have a personality. I believe I have a personality. I am an exciting wrestler in the ring!"
           — Al Snow, while trying to hypnotize Steve Blackman.

Welcome back to The Ring. My name is “The Immolator” Calum Macbeth, and I like to hurt people. At your service.

I apologize for the lateness of this column. Domestic matters have taken precedent this past week or so. I’ll let you in on part of the situation: Mrs. Immolator (common law) has an inside track on a teaching job… in Sapporo. If she gets it, I will be following once she gets settled in. Could be a couple of months. And that could be the end of my little wrestling odyssey right there. Or not. There is an indy federation in Sapporo called Asian Sports. If I develop any poise in the ring between now and my departure, maybe I can latch on at the bottom rung. If they have a dojo, maybe I can start there. Otherwise, I’ll take up judo. So, if anyone has any info on Asian Sports, please let me know. Don’t bother asking Mr. Google, he doesn’t have anything besides an address and phone number.

I mentioned poise in that last paragraph. I’ve finally had the chance to view some of my work on video. Holy chalupas, am I green. I’m slow and gangly and green and slow. Did I mention gangly? It’s one thing to be The Man of 1,007 Holds. It’s another to look good doing them.

The solution: ring time plus gym time. The more natural moving around in the ring becomes, the less you have to think about what is going on. Which means you have more time to think about keeping a good vertical base and not shuffling around too much. No wasted motion. And more time to play the crowd.

The gym time has been lacking recently, with my domesticity getting in the way a bit, along with my bum right knee. You may recall I tweaked it when I went for the Snuka splash in practice three weeks ago. Strangest thing happened this past Saturday, during Lesson 40 of 50. We were practicing vertical suplexes. Fellow student Chris hoisted me up for a big soo-play, as Gordon Solie used to say. I kicked my legs waaaay up in the air, and felt something in my knee shift. I got Chris to place me back down, gently. My knee felt numb and warm. Then, after a minute or two of stretching, the pain went away… and I suddenly had far more mobility in my knee than I’ve had since the injury. Not 100% by any means, but much better. Weird. I must have jerked some cartilage back into place or something.

Knee problems are common in this industry. I asked a wrestler by the name of Rico Quinones about it. He suggested a neoprene sleeve under the kneepad, lots of Ben-Gay, alternating cold and hot compresses, and perhaps a brace of some kind. Sweet mother-of-pearl. Good thing I found out about these things early, before I really messed up my knee.

For the record, I’ve had two matches since the last column. Last last Saturday, I teamed up with “The One and Only” Brian Sommers to defeat Toga Boy and White Tiger. Witnesses indicate that, while I was outside the ring, I waffled White Tiger on the apron as he was trying to tag in, then snapped Toga Boy’s neck over the top rope, allowing Sommers to easily apply his version of the X-Factor/Buzzkiller for the win. Don’t believe the witnesses. I was just trying to tell my opponents how much I respected their abilities and how they were doing a fine, fine job in our match. I think White Tiger had a temporary embolism. Toga Boy slipped.

This past Saturday, I teamed with Jay Jacoby and lost to Michael and Memphis Raines, aka The Fast and the Furious. Jacoby wouldn’t listen to my expert tutelage in the way of nefarious tactics. You can guess the rest. We brawled to the back after.

I think “the office” is very impressed with the way I can run my mouth, and my understanding of “ring psychology.” Enough for them to put me in a tag situation with a capable partner who can carry the in-ring load. I think this will be an on-going experiment until a compatible partner is found.

Meanwhile, I’ll keep on keeping on, learning, studying video, and working out. And racing against time. Can Calum Macbeth develop smoothly and quickly enough to get to the next level before time runs out? Stay tuned.

Peace.

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