by The Immolator
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

"What about you? What about Raisin?" — Chris Jericho

Welcome back to The Ring. My name is The Immolator, aka Calum Macbeth. In case you haven’t heard, I like to hurt people.

Well, it’s been a mixed bag as far as my week in wrestling has gone. Yet again, I had greatness thrust upon me this Saturday when I was called upon to wrestle at the House of Pain. Michael Raines was my opponent. On the plus side, O have mercy, the crowd hated me. They hated me passionately. Apparently, I was channelling Andy Kaufman, because all I did was cut a simple promo about how I’m in the NWA (NWA-ECCW) now, and that means I am in the company of names like Frank Gotch, Lou Thesz, Harley Race, Ric Flair… of course, all lesser names than myself, Calum Macbeth. BOO! Or maybe they just don’t like my new theme song, “Red” by King Crimson.

On the minus side, geez laweez, I think I suck. A whole lot of simple things just didn’t seem to go very smoothly that night. I went for one of my favourite moves, the eye rake across the top rope. Only, our ring is rather tall. It took me an excruciatingly long time to get Raines’s head onto that top rope. Also, I had that miserable cur in a side headlock, and I wanted to keep him from pushing me off to the ropes, so I went for a handful of hair. I didn’t get the handful I was looking for, so I went stumbling into the ropes instead. D’oh!

Raines eventually reversed a roll-up and bridged back for the pin, except we were tangled up in the ropes, so he threw a quick inside cradle on me to seal the deal. Phooey. I got some heat back after by claiming he cheated, pulled my hair, pulled my tights, yadda yadda. But I was really not happy with my work. Other wrestlers liked the match, though, based on the crowd reaction. Perhaps I can’t mark out for myself because I can’t hit a Shooting Star Press like Liger or hit Blockbuster Suplexes like Scott Steiner used to do 10 years ago. Ah, memories.

My frustration reached a boiling point Tuesday during Lesson 30 at the HoP. Starr was training, and it was Yak, Chris and myself. Most of the lesson was going over leg holds. Then we went for some double underhook suplexes. Starr gave me one, and I took way more air than I was expecting. I landed more or less all right, but got winded a bit. Then I took another one, and took even more air. I over-rotated and landed on my ass. Shortly after that, I felt a twinge between my shoulder blades, a shade to the right. It grew in intensity until I could barely lift my right arm. I felt like such an idiot for over-rotating yet again – it’s one of my bad habits.

The next day, I had to sit on the sidelines for Lesson 31 while other people worked on some basics. Vance Nevada was the trainer for that session, and he is ring-savvy enough and a good enough teacher that I was able to glean a few things just from watching. But I still felt like crap for not being able to get in there and take some abuse. Plus, another new student is here, and he’s built. In fact, just about everyone that was there Wednesday has way better musculature than I do. It was enough to make me feel quite useless.

Then we cut some promos. And I felt useful again.

So, I feel better, my back feels better, and you better believe my next victim is going to feel the full brunt of my arsenal. Eye gouge, eye rake, thumb to the eye, nose pull, you name it. Because I like to hurt people.

Peace.

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