by The Immolator
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

"Cookies!"   — “Rowdy” Roddy Piper, from the music video “The
        Goonies R Good Enough"

Welcome back to The Ring. My name is The Immolator, and I like to hurt people. I’m also a big smarty-pants. More on that later.

Big ups once again to everyone who has e-mailed me with their support. Inlcuding a certain S. Coe of Parts Unknown, who likes to implement pseudo-random number generators for various distributions. And Formula One. Me, I hit the wall trying to learn Pascal and I haven’t followed F1 closely since Team Ferrari was Gilles Villeneuve and Didier Pironi.

Due to other obligations, my lessons at the House of Pain have been crawling along at the snail’s pace of one per week. Last week with Bubba, we went through our checklist of moves, making sure that we had some of the basics down pat. We also learned the flying headlock takedown, which is that thing where you have the guy in the side headlock, you run up the ropes and take him over. It took me a couple of tries, but I got it down. Moves like this look impressive when done properly. They’re also usually performed by faces. I’m not one of those. I’m a smarty-pants. Allow me to elaborate.

I’ve had several ideas for the development of Calum Macbeth. Some I have dismissed as being too complex for the average wrestling fan to grasp (Immo, complex? Never…). Others I have scratched off the list because I’ve since discovered other people have been there, done that. Still more I’ve set aside for possible later use. My idea list got pared down significantly last Saturday at the House of Pain, where I was put in yet another match.

My opponent: Toga Boy. He’s a crowd favourite at the HoP, coming out in a frat-boy toga costume to “Louie, Louie” from the soundtrack to Animal House. Great gimmick. My task for the evening would be to use whatever nefarious means I had at my disposal. I wanted to incorporate some of my storyline/gimmick ideas into the match, and I went over these ideas with one of the people in charge. This is what he said to me.

“You don’t need a manager. You can talk.”

“You’re going to end up being a tweener anyway. You’re a good-looking smart-ass.”

Aggghh! He dropped the T-bomb on me!

Readers of Online Onslaught and other, lesser Internet wrestling sites know what I’m talking about. The Undertaker couldn’t get heel heat because he kept riding his bike, and wrestling fans like bikes. Triple-H couldn’t get heel heat because he wore denim jackets, and statistics show 27% of wrestling fans own denim jackets with the Van Halen logo drawn on the back by hand in red ink. An effective wrestling match needs a heel and a face, clearly defined.

However, there is a second kind of tweener. And I think this is the kind of group I would love to be a part of. It’s the heel everyone loves to hate. Chris Jericho comes to mind right off the bat. But, slipping back in my mind to the glorious late ‘80s, allow me once again to invoke the names of Mr. Perfect, Arn Anderson and Rick Rude. Heels all, but heroes to the so-called intelligent wrestling fan. That’s the tweener group for me. There’s also the face that’s so ridiculously goofy, he draws some heat. Tugboat and Aldo Montoya come to mind.

So, with that in mind, here’s the story of Calum Macbeth v. Toga Boy, for your consideration.

Wearing my referee outfit, I come to the ring and express my disgust regarding the events of the past few weeks: getting beat at the HoP by Gorilla, getting my skull Pillmanized by Dr. Luther in Surrey, and, worst of all, getting kissed by “Gorgeous” Michelle Starr in front of B.C. Place. Oooo, Calum’s not a happy camper. But I have developed much more respect for both the wrestlers and the referees. Still, I think I have more to offer, so I’ve challenged Toga Boy to a match, where if I win, I get my full-fledged wrestler’s licence. Out he comes, and off we go.

I get a side headlock on Toga, into a spinning headlock and into a hammerlock. Reversed by Toga. Reversed again by me. I think he got a drop toehold on me at this point (bastard!). We exchange as such, and I eventually procure the side headlock once again. He pushes me into the ropes and fires me off across the ring. I shoulder tackle him to the mat. Off the far ropes, he drops down, then leapfrogs me on the rebound. He hip tosses me. Arm drag. I bail outside the ring. (BOO!) The ref count goes to eight before I roll in, then roll right back out again. (BOO!) Toga is impatient, so he picks me up by the hair and drags me onto the apron. Aha! I snap his neck over the rope. Taking advantage, I drop and elbow to the inside of the leg. Work that leg! I drag him over to the corner and apply… the deadly figure-four ringpost! Oh yeah, I’m feeling good now. The ref breaks the count, and I get back in and clamp on a leg lock. Then I drag him to the ropes and drape his ankle over the bottom rope, sitting down onto the leg a couple of times. Irish whip, clothesline. Time to wrap this baby up.

CM:  “Now you’re gonna see… a Celtic-plex!”

I hit the cradle suplex, bridge up, one… two… no! That filthy swine kicks out! I can’t believe it! And he goes to town. Suplex. Back Suplex. Irish whip, flying clothesline. He’s going to the top! Flying cross body! Fortunately, I kick out at two. He grabs me by the hair and throws me over the top rope. Oof! He wants more of me, but the ref won’t let him follow me out. Aha! While the ref is dealing with Toga Boy, I am looking for an international object. Spying the chain necklace Toga wears as part of his pre-match costume, I grab it, wrap it around my fist, get in the ring, spin the ref around, and BOOM! Down goes Toga! Down goes Toga! The three count is a given, and Calum Macbeth has his first victory in the squared circle, thus earning his wrestler’s licence.

What hath ECCW wrought?

My name is Calum Macbeth, and I like to hurt people. See you next week.

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