by The Immolator
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

"I don’t call them Hulkamaniacs… I call them Puke-a-maniacs!"
        — Randy Savage

Away we go with another installment of The Ring. Immo here.

Lesson 18 was Tuesday with Disco. Bubba is out of town, and Starr was busy, so things are a bit different this week. A guy named Trevor showed up this week, a former student who had to suspend taking classes because his work hours changed. He, Dylan and myself were the only students there, which allowed us to go through some moves quickly. Standard dropkick: no problem. El Majistral: a thing of beauty. We also spent a good amount of time exchanging holds. Instead of sticking with what I knew, I felt good enough to try out some simple things: waistlock takedown, riding the opponent into a front chancery; full nelson, and the reversal into a full nelson. Eventually, Starr and Jared (“WWE”) returned from a previous engagement, and we exchanged more holds. The more comfortable I get with my surroundings, the more I feel that wrestling is something I could feasibly make a career out of.

At least, that’s how I feel until the next cardio session. Lesson 19 was with The Count, one of the ECCW wrestlers who I introduced about three weeks ago. Two more new students: Chris, who comes into the biz at age 27, but already has the physique of a serious gym rat (let’s say, 5’11”, 210 lbs, 7 per cent bodyfat) and Adam, another young’un to add to Starr’s litter of high-schoolers. We kept the moves at the introductory level, which was not disappointing for me, because I’m a firm believer in working on fundamentals. Plus, Count brought his own variations of the basic side headlock, the collar-and-elbow tie-up, and the four rolls (front, back, left shoulder, right shoulder). He also put us through some wicked cardio. I blew up early, again. Even though my stamina is improving, I still couldn’t even keep up with the new guys. And then, to top it all off, I felt a twinge in my right groin that kept me from being able to run the ropes. Not a major pull or anything like that, but enough to make me feel really stupid for not stretching enough beforehand.

I have dreams of going to Tokyo and continuing to learn my craft at a dojo there, or maybe even going there on tour. Starr may be there later in August. Disco’s been a couple of times. But my conditioning is lamentable compared to the students in Tokyo, let alone here. I guess I had one too many giant bags of Cool Ranch Doritos in my youth.

Progress is being made, though. The things The Count showed me when we went to the gym last month are helping. The cardio sessions are helping even more. While it is vital in the ring to not try suplexes and top-rope moves you haven’t done before, the key to improvement elsewhere lies in pushing the envelope. CITIUS, ALTIUS, FORTIUS — swifter, higher, stronger. On that Olympic note, no matter how far professional wrestling slides into male soap operadom here in North America, no matter how much Internet writers like to make fun of The Big Show, never forget this: pro wrestlers are athletes. Myself… well, I am an athlete-in-training.

As you read this, I will have completed Lesson 20 of 50 in my training here at The House of Pain. Next week’s column will include an evaluation of my progress since I assumed the mantle of wrestling student in May. The artist’s rendering of “The Red Lion” Calum Macbeth is nearing completion, as well.

Until then, thanks for reading. Those of you new to this column can find most of the previous installments of The Ring in the archives below. Feel free to e-mail your questions or comments.

Peace.

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