Michael Cole: I just got an e-mail from the GM, and he’s hired nXt back. Except, of course, Daniel Bryan. Because that guy is a complete and total jerk. And I hate him. That wasn’t in the email. I just decided to throw that in there, Bosley style.

Sheamus: Vince, I’m glad I caught you. What sort of stupid idiot decided to give me a WWE title again? This is just ridiculous. I can’t accept this title! Surely there’s somebody more deserving of a WWE Title run than this big oaf. Like Heath Slater or something! Heh. Just kidding. Sheamus needs a new lead pipe. And a bunch of cash. I don’t remember why I even came out here again.

John Cena: What the hell! I’m already a nine time Spinnin’ World Champion, and you gave my belt to this no armed whitey? Well…Whatever. I’ll just get my mandatory title rematch and be a ten time World Champion. No biggie.

Sheamus: Damn! I forgot about that extremely well known rule!

Cole: Hey! I just got an e-mail. Charlie loves it. He’s booked that match for tonight.

Cena: Isn’t that guy dead?

Sheamus: Clearly the e-mails are coming from beyond the graaaaaaave!

Cena: The new GM is The Undertaker!

Vince: No! Er…I doubt it. Maybe. But probably not.

Cole: I got another e-mail from the GM! Increase you penis size by three inches! Viagra, Cialis all free. On one y $19.95. Use code “phallus” for 3% discount.

Jerry “” Lawler: Oh, I think that one was mine.

Vince: Could…you forward that to my e-mail?

Cena: Mine too!

Sheamus: Really?

Cena: What? Come on!

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Evan Bourne vs. Chris Jericho

I love the idea of the computer GM. Maybe it’s just a random program that spits out matches. It’s the Total Extreme Wrestling match generator. Which explains why Yoshi Tatsu is booked in literally every match tonight. Except this one. And the main event. But you get the idea. Anyway, Jericho has offered to retire if he doesn’t win this match, which worked for Tommy Dreamer, I guess. At least he’s not being dragged away kicking and screaming. Yet.

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I do think it’s a little amusing that Chris Jericho is basically stuck in a TNA Women’s feud. Especially given that he’s jobbing to Main Event Evan Bourne every week. Sadly, Michael Cole does not stop this match to announce hot new deals from Best Buy. Maybe the new GM is Jameson. That’s two weeks and two Jameson callbacks. I think I should get some kind of award. Bourne and Jericho trade finishers for a while, but it all ends when Jericho counters the Shooting Star Press with a Codebreaker for the win. So I guess he’s not retiring. This week.

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Backstage….

Vince McMahon: No, it’ll be cool. I’ll pretend to be talking to the new GM on my cellphone, that way we don’t see or hear them, so we can pretend we know who it’s going to be. And then I’ll pretend to be angry about getting an e-mail making me referee the match. And…oh, are we live? I mean…um…Oh! I’m so angry about that phone call I just got from our new, totally not fake general manager! How dare he or possibly, if we are desperate, she, decide to go over my head like this?!

Elsewhere….

Virgil: $10 for a new shirt? That’s ridiculous. Why couldn’t I have gotten a Fatal Fourway shirt or something?

Ted DiBiase: I don’t care. Look, Virgil, buddy. You’re, like, my best friend. And if I didn’t need that $100 to buy a new haircut last week I would’ve left it for you in your mouth. But…Um…You’re fired.

Virgil: NOOOOOOOO!

DiBiase: Yeah, it’s come to my attention that you’re old, and don’t do a whole lot, and you’re not really helping me get over. So…sorry, dude.

Virgil: Who’s going to watch your back?

DiBiase: Maryse!

Maryse: To be fair to myself, Ted’s belt is much, much shinier than Miz’szzz’.

Virgil: How is this girl going to protect you?

DiBiase: I’m pretty sure that she could take you in a fight, man.

Virgil: Well…That’s fair. Ok, later.

Elsewherer, WWE Diva Josh Mathews is standing by with the Hart Dynasty.

WWE Diva Josh Mathews: WWE Diva Josh Mathews here, and I’m standing by with the Hart Dynasty, and guys, I have to ask you, what are you going to do now that Bret doesn’t work here anymore? That means you’re pretty much screwed right?

Tyson Kidd: Yeah, I’m expecting to job to the power team of Primo and Zack Ryder any day now. Or The Dude Busters! Ugh! Could you imagine?

David Hart Smith: Sadly, yes. I could imagine. Look at us. We’re really only just a couple well known parents away from being The Dude Busters. Hell, you aren’t even a real Hart.

Natalya: Josh, these Harts will never stop beating.

Mathews: Wow. That was lame. Expect the T-Shirt next week on the Shopzone.

Hey! Here’s a limo! What the hell is with all the elsewhereness going on right now?

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Natalya (w/ the Hart Dynasty) vs. Tamina (w/ The Usos)

Tamina with the head-based offense to start. So I guess it’s only the actual Usos that are a “different kind of Samoan wrestler.” Tamina with a Samoan Drop. Ok, now she’s not even trying. Natalya comes back with some of her Canadian-based offense, which honestly I’m not really bothered by. She’s never claimed to be anything but a Canadian wrestling stereotype. Her hero is Lance Storm. Here’s the nXt though, so I guess none of this matters. They try to apologize to the Harts, but then they beat them up, so I don’t really think they were that sincere about it.

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And the new Xanax tribe is still in the ring.

David Otunga: I’d really like to apologize for not mentioning that I’m dating Jennifer Hudson lately. I got so caught up in being in WWE, I completely forgot to mention it.

Heath Slater: I would really, really like to apologize for being Heath Slater. My bad.

Justin Gabriel: I feel personally responsible for those damned soccer kazoos. I’m sorry.

Darren Young: I’d like to apologize to John Cena for being you, but actually being black. That’s just not fair.

Skip Sheffield: Remember when I used to say, “Yip Yip, This is a catch phrase!”? Yeah. I’m sorry.

Michael Tarver: I’d like to apologize to my kids. Having Michael Tarver as your dad has got to be pretty disappointing.

Wade Barret: And I’d like to apologize too. Mostly for being so much better than these other guys that it’s honestly pretty pathetic. I’m really sorry, you guys. If I could be worse, I would try to be. I really would. I mean, really. Wouldn’t you rather see me with the Spinnin’ Title rather than…say…Sheamus? I mean, if one stupid European is going to hold the WWE Title it should be William Regal. But if it’s not him…It should be me. Or possibly Alex Wright, I don’t know.

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John Morrison (w/ Eli Cottonwood) vs. Zack Ryder (w/ Titus O’Neil)

Apparently, Cottonwood has learned how to pose in slow motion at least. That makes his NXT experience worthwhile, right? Titus O’Neil has clearly learned absolutely nothing, mostly because his pro is Zack Ryder. This was originally scheduled to be Morrison vs. DiBiase, by the way, but Ted bailed on the match because he wanted to have sex with Maryse. That’s actually why I bailed on my last match too. Speaking of which, I have the eerie, uncomfortable feeling that I might be RAW’s new general manager. Think about it. Communicates only by e-mail, is kind of a jerk, doesn’t actually exist. That’s pretty much a description of me! Morrison wins with his move (That’s His Move!).

Elsewhere, WWE Diva Josh Mathews is standing by with John Cena.

WWE Diva Josh Mathews: WWE Diva Josh Mathews here and I’m standing by with John Cena, and John, I have to ask you what do you think about that whole nXt thing a little earlier?

John Cena: I don’t understand what Zack Ryder is supposed to be teaching Titus O’Neil. I’m going to be honest with you.

Mathews: Er…I was talking about the interview they gave right before that.

Cena: I don’t see the resemblance between me and Darren Young, to be honest with you.

Mathews: Really? You guys look exactly alike. But that’s not what I meant. Do you accept their apology?

Cena: I wasn’t really paying attention. But sure. Whatever. I can’t hate “Yip Yip, This is a Catchphrase!” forever.

Vince McMahon: John, I just wanted to reassure you that we know who the RAW general manager is, and he or she is an actual person, concept, or item that actually exists.

Cena: I completely buy that.

Vince: That’s…all I’ve got.

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Eve Torres and The Great Khali (w/ Indian Eric Bischoff) vs. Primo Colon and Alicia Fox

I don’t know who’s the most disappointed by their partner. It’s certainly not the Prime Colon, because Alicia’s the new Girl’s champion. I still love that belt. I’d never buy a replica belt, but if I did, it’d probably be the Divas title. Because it’s so ridiculous that it’s awesome. Eve and Alicia have a great awkward exchange that makes me proud to be a future Divas Champion. Then Primo tries to make out with Eve and gets Karate Chopped in the head by Khali. Khali and Eve win, and then dance off into the sunset never to be seen again.

Backstage, Randy Orton is contemplating the existence of Hot Pockets.

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And now he’s in the ring.

Randy Orton: It is I! Ranky Q. Morgan, Legend Kill Guy and former holster of the FIFA Girl’s Chocolatechip. Guys and goals, I’m really consternated. How are Hodge Podges formed? But I would like to spray that I acceptorate Wayne Brady’s apogee from earlier tonight. Those xNt cookies don’t seem like such bad guys.

The Miz: Randy…seriously. Just, get off the mic, man. This segment has no point, and if anybody’s going to be wasting everybody’s time, it probably shouldn’t be the guy that nobody understands.

Orton: The Muz! My nermalsis!

Miz: Um…Yeah. So why don’t you go get your phantom arm injury looked at, and I’ll take over your spot on the roster as the huge jerk who everybody inexplicably likes. How about that?

To punctuate his argument, Miz punches Randy in the face. It’s really hard to argue with that kind of sound logic, Mr. Orton. Normally, you’d think Randy would counter with a solidly built case based on his years of forensics training, but instead he follows up with a body slam. Before Miz can counterpoint with a Power Point on the many and varied reasons why Randy Orton shouldn’t be wasting our time right now, Edge comes out and Spears Orton out of the ring.

Edge: And that’s how you shut up Randy Orton. If you have any questions, the floor will be open later this evening, followed by a light snack.

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John Cena vs. Sheamus
For the WWE Spinnin’ Title with Special Guest Referee Vince McMahon

Hilariously, Vince immediately bails on his refereeing job to take a nap at ringside. To be fair, he’s getting older. But that’s not saying much about what he thinks of the new GM. And if it is me, I’m pretty pissed off about this turn of events. Then again, maybe Vince just bailed on it because we’re not supposed to know who any of the referees are anymore. Which is silly because WWE RAW Referee Mi-mi-mi-mi-miiiiike Chioda is the best worker in this match. Michael Cole stands up to announce that he can get 10% off on his car insurance.

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Sheamus has basically been on offense for the past hour. Cena attempts a comeback, but then Sheamus throws him into the steps. Normally, that would be a DQ, but I don’t think anybody really cares anymore. Cena hasn’t done a single move so far in this match, but he goes for the FU anyway, and is shocked (SHOCKED!) when he gets hit with the Bicycle Kick (The Finisher of Champions!). Sheamus goes for the pin, but the nXt is in the ring and breaking it up. Sheamus takes off right away, but once the guys put away Cena, Vince wobbles into the ring.

Vince McMahon: Yes! Finally somebody took the initiative to beat up my biggest money earner. Thank you, gentlemen. You know, the Corporate Ministry worked out so well, I’m going to put myself in charge of nXt too. I mean, after all, I was the one who invented NXT, and hired all you people. And I sign all your paychecks. So it’s only fair that I take credit for all your work too. nXt everybody!

Wade Barrett: Have you even paid attention to the fact that we’ve been bitching about you every week?

And the nXt guys lay Vince out to huge cheers, because nobody likes Vince. Everybody hits their moves (That’s There Moves!), such as they are. They pose, but are chased off shortly thereafter.

Barrett: RETREAT!

Dean Malenko: Damn right you retreat.

Next Week: The secret RAW GM is revealed to be a Nigerian Prince with US$ 50 million in a bank account that he needs help getting out of his country. nXt steps up their game and lays out their next target, Indian Eric Bischoff. And Sheamus calls somebody “fella.”