Michael Cole: Jerry, I’ve gotta ask you, what do you think Mr. Muffin’s chances are this year in a stacked terrier field?

Jerry “” Lawler: It all depends on how well she performs in the snowboard cross.

Aw, man, I turned it on too early again, didn’t I? Dammit.

Some Girl sings the National Anthem. Is…is this the right show?
 

Well, I hope so, or else the Olympics have really gone down hill. And not on skis. That was a little Olympic humor there. And strap in, because that was pretty much my A-material for tonight, there. I’ve got some more dog show jokes saved up though. This match, of course, was booked last week by Carl Edwards, and new RAW owner Jerry Springer could give a crap, so here we are. The crowd is solidly behind Orton, of course, because he is not Sheamus.

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They keep playing with this spot where Sheamus almost falls over, but he doesn’t and Orton runs off into the corner to pout. This is easily their best match against each other for that spot alone. The Lemony comes out to provide moral support, presumably for WWE RAW Referee Chad Patton. Sheamus loads up the Bicycle Kick (the finisher of champions!), but DiBiase breaks it up. That’s no way for a Hall of Famer to act! Sheamus tosses him, only to get attacked by Cody Rhodes. I will say this for them, fighting the Lemony must be really annoying. That’s a DQ! Aw, Chad! These are your buddies!

Randy is none too pleased about losing this meaningless match, so he trips Cody. Orton wins! Ted is having a pretty good laugh about that until he catches a BICYCLE KICK TO DIBIASE! (The Finisher of Champions!). Then Sheamus loses his balance and falls over too. Orton wins again!

Backstage, Bret Hart is shuffling.

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Here’s Bret.

Bret Hart: Hey, guys. I know last week Vince came out here and said that I couldn’t cut a promo to save my life, but Vince isn’t here tonight is he? IS HE?! Well…No. He is not. But he’s right. This promo is awful, and so far it’s just been about how awful the promo is going to be, so just imagine when I get to the substance part of it. Actually? You know what? Screw it. I didn’t even want to show up at Wrestlemania anyway. I’m going back home to watch the Olympics. Thanks guys, and a special thanks to John Cena for waiting until after I got beat down and the show was over to make the save. That was really classy, man.

And Bret shuffles off backstage.

Kofi Johnston: Hey, are you still recruiting any topless genies?

Bret: Sure! We need a Jamaican one since our last one is too stoned to move now.

Kofi: Actually, I’m from Ghana.

Bret: Oh…Yeah. I’ll…get back to you.

Jack Swagger: I am a heel, but I don’t get promo time any more, so I have nothing good or bad to say to or about you.

Bret: I don’t care either way.

Alicia Fox: That’s better than he deserves.

Primo Colon: Best of luck, Bret!

Bret: Your dad still owes me $150.

Primo: I’ve…gotta go.

Evan Bourne: Have fun in TNA! Say hello to…me when you get there.

Bret: That name kind of offends me.

Gail Kim: Can I come watch the Olympics with you?

Bret: Ugh, so I can watch some girly sport like figure skating? Hell no. I’ve got curling to watch.

John Cena: Yo Yo Yo Yo YO YO YO! YO! YOOOOO!

Bret: Before you continue, I’m actually leaving with a positive impression of you. Don’t ruin it.

Cena: THE CHAMP IS HERE!

Bret frowns and starts to get into his car, but suddenly a white Hummer backs into him, smashing his leg. WHO DROVE THE HUMMER?! OH NO!!

Oh. Wait. It was Tough Enough Jessie.

Cena: What did you do?! You just killed Bret Hart!!

Tough Enough Jessie: DO YOU NOTICE ME NOW?! HUH?! TAKE THAT BRET HART! WAAAAAAH!

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Montel Vontavious Porter and Mark Henry vs. Double Trouble Crap on a Stick

Miz and Show’s new music is terrible, but I still kind of love it anyway. It’s better than Miz’s music by itself. Miz’…Mizzzz’ssss…Ugh. I hate the letter z. Of course, Cole and Lawler don’t give a crap about any of this because Tough Enough Jessie just killed Bret Hart. I thought MVP and Henry split up after Montel made Henry dance around and try to rap. Miz looks really ridiculous in tights. I still can’t get over that. Hell, I’m still not over Jericho in tights.

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Jerry Lawler is reveling about ECW dying again for some reason. I can’t wait to watch one episode of NXT to laugh at Bryan Danielson pretending to learn something about wrestling from Mark Henry, and then promptly forget it is on. Tonight, MVP stands for Manly Versatile Programs. I guess Ted DiBiase’s brother and Curt Hennig’s kid are going to be on there. Which must be a real kick in the pants. A few years earlier, you guys, and you could’ve just showed up in The Lemony. Actually, didn’t DiBiase’s brother try that? Double “Heh!” MVP rolls up Miz for the win. Wait…really?! Thank God this was non-title then!

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Hey! It’s time for the Jerry Springer Show! I wonder what’s happening over on the dog show…or in figure skating.

Jerry Springer: Hi, everyone. I know what you’re thinking, “If he owns RAW, where has he been all night?” Well…shortly after last week, when I bought this show, I realized that I have no idea what I’m doing. So I just thought I’d have people come out here and make confessions. That’s something you do on this show, right?

Kelly Kelly Kelly: I’m secretly pregnant! With a baby carriage full of pictures of Sean Stasiak for some reason!

Springer: Kelly, who’s the baby’s father?

Kelly: Um…I’ve been spotted out on dates with about 90% of the roster, and pretty much all the guest hosts, Jerry. It could be pretty much anybody.

Santino Marella: Except-a me! I’ve-a been too-a busy working on-a my new-a TV series-a to hard to have-a the sex with Kelly-a!

Springer: Somehow I don’t think it will matter how hard you work on it, Santino. Wait…what was that about you having sex with all the guest hosts?

Santino: Are-a you propositioning-a me?!

Michael Cole: I actually did have sex with Kelly one time, Jerry! The penis of Michael Cole in Kelly Kelly Kelly! Classic Michael Cole!

Jerry “” Lawler: Even I find that a little disturbing, Michael.

Cole: What about you?! I thought you’d be all over that.

Lawler: Uh…She’s a little old for me.

Santino: Grand-a Master Sexay-a reference!

Lawler: Man, whatever happened to that guy?

Cole: This is the most romance I’ve had since I got raped by Hrnnrnnr!

The Bella Twins: We have a confession to make. We were actually one person split into two by a horrifying lab accident.

Springer: That is hot, and I think I just threw up a little. And…completely unrelated to the Kelly thing we had going.

Kelly: But wait, there’s more! Chris Masters is my brother! And I’m having sex with him too!

“Iron Chef Wrestling” Chris Masters: I have a confession, Jerry. I’m not a real Iron Chef.

Springer: You have nicer boobs than half the girls in the company.

Eve Torres: Chris! You’re having sex with your sister? I thought we were dating?!

Masters: Is that still going on? Neither of us have been on TV for, like, three months.

Eve: Actually, I have to admit something. I’m a lesbian dominatrix and my lesbian lover is actually a man. And it’s The Great Khali.

The Great Khali: AAAAAAAARGH!

Indian Eric Bischoff: The Great Khali is embarrassed to be a part of this segment. Think about that for a second.

Suddenly, Hornswoggle falls out of Kelly’s pants. That’s pretty much where I thought this was going anyway.

Hornswoggle: I have a confession to make, Jerry. I am both Kelly’s child and the father.

Mark Henry: Dammit! All I got was a stupid hand!

Kane: Yeah, that’s pretty bogus. I never even got my damn chicken parmesan!

Springer: You guys, even my show has more dignity than this.

Lawler: Well, that’s because none of what we said was true! SHOCKING SWERVE~! Wrestling is almost as fake as your show!

Springer: You guys…got me? I think?

Kelly: Actually, only about 1/3 of what we said wasn’t true.

Mae Young: Mark, baby! Won’t you take me back?!

Henry: I can’t see that it would hurt my career at this point.

Indian Bischoff: I’m going to go see if TNA is still hiring.

Well that was…pointless. Thanks for coming out tonight, Jerry! Springer, not Lawler.

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Kofi Johnston vs. Ted DiBiase Jr.

Lawler and Cole spend roughly an hour talking about how Ted must be hurt after taking that Bicycle Kick earlier. It’s the Finisher of Champions, you know. Seriously, though? This is Kofi Friggin’ Johnston taking on a WWE Hall of Famer. I don’t think ol’ Kofi has a chance. He does load up the Trouble in Suburban Ghana, but he ends up hitting himself in the crotch with it, which I have to admit was really impressive, but, of course Ted hits him with Dream Street for the win right after that.

In the WWE Hall of Fame: Some Guy from Japan. Congratulations, Magnum Tokyo!

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Hahahaha…Michael Cole says that tonight has been the “worst night of Bret Hart’s life.” Um…no. No, Michael. Sorry, but…No.

Now, here’s Jerry Springer’s Final Thought.

Jerry Springer: Um…I’m not even sure why I bought this show. I didn’t even bother showing up for most of it. Or booking any matches. But here’s my final thought. I don’t sure what the appeal of Monday Night RAW is, but whatever it is. You all deserve each other. Take care of yourself, and each other. Because nobody else probably will. Now if you excuse me, I have to introduce Mae Young to a transvestite prostitute.

Mark Henry: That’s my girlfriend! Er…boyfriend?

Backstage, John Cena is pacing back and forth in the parking lot. Doesn’t he know how dangerous that is?!

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Now he’s in the ring. Whew. I thought for a second he was going to get run over by the ghost of Umaga.

John Cena: Where are you, Thetista?! You said you were going to be on RAW, but I haven’t seen you yet and we’re running out of time! So come on out here and brawl with me before I have to have a match against Triple H. At least then I’ll have an excuse for losing.

“Dave” Batista “Davidson”: I am in HOLLYWOOD!

Cena: Hollywood? What? Why?!

Batista: I am a famous actor NOW! I am in a MOVIE!

Cena: Who the hell would put you in a movie?

Batista: Not even WWE FILMS!

Cena: Whatever, Dave. I bet your movie is way worse than The Marine.

Batista: Roll that trailer for The Wrong Side of TOWN!

Omigod. This is going to be the greatest movie ever. EVER!

Rob Van Dam: Dude, we have to stop that pot dealer before he gets out of control.

Batista: I am in a MOVIE!

RVD: Oh no! Duuuude! They’re shooting at us!

Batista: This is better than See No EVIL!

RVD: Bob, give me a hand here!

Batista: Who is BOB?!

RVD: Dude, that’s you! That’s your character’s name in this movie!

Batista: LINE!

RVD: Duuuude.

Batista: We found all the DRUGS!

RVD: Yeah! All right!!

Awesome. Why wasn’t that put out in theaters?!

Cena: I don’t know that the world was looking for a Batista/RVD buddy cop movie.

Batista: Speak for YOURSELF!

Cena: Ok. Well…see you Sunday?

Batista: OK!

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Omigosh, you guys! Jewel just bought RAW. I can’t tell if I’m excited or just laughing at the show.

John Cena vs. Triple H

I hope she sings all the songs. “Appledough-oh-oh-oh-oooooh!” I hope she brings The Holograms! Cena grabs a CHINLOCK~! I guess all those matches against Orton didn’t go for naught after all! I wonder how he can even focus on Triple H with that Batista movie and Tough Enough Jessie trying to kill Bret Hart weighing on her mind. I can’t hate Jessie for it because she’s a RAW Satire Superfan. Not that that’s helped me get a job or anything. What was I talking about?

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Cena’s got a CHINLOCK~! on Hunter. Um…did they move from this position the whole time? I wasn’t really paying attention and…here they still are. Lawler starts talking about Bret Hart out of nowhere, and all he has to say is, “We haven’t heard anything about Bret Hart.” Well, that was worth my time. Thanks, Jerry. Hunter and Cena go through each other’s finishers, STF, FU, Pedigree…Another, more different, Pedigree. Then Sheamus comes in out of nowhere with a BICYCLE KICK TO HUNTER (THE FINISHER OF CHAMPIONS~!)~! WWE RAW Referee Mi-Mi-Mi-Miiiiiike Chioda just rolls his eyes and storms off. I’m guessing that’s a DQ? Cena just can’t wait to Sheamus out, but he turns around with a BICYCLE KICK TO CENA (STILL THE FINISHER OF CHAMPIONS~!)~! Hunter decides he’s done selling it, but Sheamus hits him with the Razor’s Edge. That’s not quite as cool, dude.

Sunday: It’s an Elimination Chamberpalooza, but there’s no NXT Chamber match, so it’s all kind of moot. Also, Tough Enough Jessie reveals that she’s in cahoots with Vince McMahon, mostly just so she can say “Cahoots.” And a Diva’s Title match. Maybe. Probably not. But maybe.