Ok, so my computer died, and I’m trying to do this on an old, old crappy laptop. So what did I miss? Vince McMahon managing to guarantee he’ll never get to book the Pepsi Center again? Ken Kennedy getting fired? FIRED?! Totally Not Jamal getting fired, thereby guaranteeing that Jamal will make a big WWE comeback. So nothing new.

Anyway, I’m not going to be able to do a full-on Satire on this piece of junk, so thankfully I found the live WWE Mobile stream from RAW, so I’m just going to copy and paste this. 
 

(Opening Credits)

LilGarci: OMG u guyz! Itz @TheTista

TheTista: I am the CHAMPION!

RankyQMorgan42: @TheTista I tahareoug aoiur athaodu WESGW Chochocliaghtp?

TheTista: lol WUT?

milliondollahjr: I’m going down to the ring #runin

couchyrhodes: @milliondollahjr Wait, isn’t Dave hurt? And Randy suspended? What the hell are we doing?

RankyQMorgan42: erslakdoguh!

TheTista: OW! My ARM!

Puppieluvr: Wont sumbody help Dave?

Coleman: Why don’t you help them?

Puppieluvr: a/s/l?

Coleman: 40/m/tx

Coleman: @puppieluvr …?

(ads)

TheTista: OW! My ARM! STILL! @TEJessie Get my BELT!

TEJessie: @TheTista You get your belt, jerk! #WAAAAAAAAH!

Kofi Kingston vs. William Regal

LilGarci: The Intercontinental Champion @Kofi420!

Kofi420: Uh…no.

TheRegal1: I say, I would be a great champion. More people here need English accents.

Puppieluvr: @mileycyrus I luv u

Kofi420: Kick 2 the face!

TheRegal1: Ow! My most of me!

Kofi420: @Shelton stole my account!

Backstage….

milliondollahjr: We finally beat TheTista. #TheLegacy! Actually an effective group!

couchyrhodes: We’re totally going to rule RAW now, @milliondollahjr!

RankyQMorgan42: Ojkafjkld? OlKjoJIO!

couchyrhodes: Anybody wanna bablefish that?

milliondollahjr: @RankyQMorgan42 try typing from a computer. We can’t understand u!

RankyQMorgan42: I hhisa ny bert?

(ads)

Kelly Kelly Kelly vs. Maryse
For the WWE Divas Title

K3lly: Omigsh! We can haz twitter now?! tweettweet

Coleman: Just saw Maurice. Super hot, you guys.

femmeblond: Je déteste lutter et ses ventilateurs

Alexis<3raven: I don’t…even want that belt really. Why am I out here? Rather be Miss Wrestlemania TBH.

K3lly: gonna try a move u guys! let u know how it goes!

K3lly: not good :(

femmeblond:: Un gagnant est moi

Alexis<3raven: Can I request a transfer to Smackdown? Or even ECW? #ihatemyjob

(ads)

mjhocking: They are promising Tommy Dreamer next week. Don’t toy with me.

WwedivaJosh: @VickieG Is Randy Orton going to get a title match tonight?

VickieG: @WwedivaJosh yep

WwedivaJosh: That’s dumb, Dave’s hurt.

VickieG: lol

VickieG: oh…fyi…big annoucnment tonight

WwedivaJosh: You’re not fake pregnant, are you?

Elsewhere….

Miz1936: @femmeblond ur so fine, gonna dedicate a hat to u!

femmeblond: Stoppez parler et combattez John Cena.

Miz1936: i dunno wat u just said!

femmeblond: rire dehors fort

Santino Marella, Golddust, and Festus (w/ Horn-

(ads)

Santino Marella, Goldust, and Festus (w/ Hornswoggle) vs. Chavo Guerrero, Jamie Knoble, and The Brian Kendrick

#1MarellaFan: I’m in-a the match-a!

Se7en: That reminds me, I should really update this account. Sorry.

newchavo: How do you use this? Did I click it right? 222222

NobleNNidia: @newchavo You gotta hit send bro

thespanky: LF Tag Team Partner. Don’t have to be any good, just don’t lose.

londoncalling: ill be your partner, @spanky

thespanky: Anybody but him?

handbuckle: SPIN THE WHEEL MAKE THE DEAL SPIN THE WHEEL MAKE THE DEAL

luvs2fight: @handbuckle I thought I took that away from you!

FestIs: ….

thespanky: *sigh* lost again. Gonna go buy a new jacket and cut one of the sleeves off. Laters.

(ads)

The Miz vs. John Cena

LilGarci: brb Gonna announce this match. Eh. Maybe not.

Miz1936: @RuckFules ur nothin but a poseur! jus like tim allen, im gonna beat u up!

RuckFules: THE CHAMP IS HERE!!!!!

bigshowinmypants: Gonna continue this feud here.

RuckFules: HOW DO YOU TURN OFF CAPS? THE CHAMP IS OW!

bigshowinmypants: Heh. Backbreaker is the best move.

Miz1936: @bigshowinmypants why u always ruin my match? #chairshottotheface

bigshowinmypants: That almost hurt!

(ads)

Montel Vontavious Porter vs. Matt Hardy

ManyVariedPortions: Can I be in the main event again? Please? I was on The View! THE VIEW!

SadLonelyHardy: What is Twitter? Does Lita have a Twitter? @Lita I still love you! Come back to me!

ManyVariedPortions: Ballin’ #Ballin

SadLonelyHardy: Lost again :-/

Elsewhere:

VickieG: am walking backstage

(ads)

VickieG: job sux…i quit.

tehedge: I never loved you #canagirlgetasalad

VickieG: i thot u werent appearing on raw ne more?

tehedge: You are fat and old and ugly and I hate you.

VickieG: this is part of y im quittin

tehedge: Can I borrow $50?

VickieG: i wanna divorce!!!!!1

tehedge: OMG Me too!

(ads)

Backstage….

WwedivaJosh: @RuckFules What’s up dude?

RuckFules: I HAVEN’T BEEN THIS HURT IN A LONG TIME!

WwedivaJosh: Not even when you were out hurt? Like two weeks ago?

RuckFules: NO JOSH! ALSO I HATE BIG SHOW AND MIZ I WISH THEY WOULD LEAVE ME ALONE!

WwedivaJosh: No need to shout.

RuckFules: I CAN’T FIND THE CAPSLOCK!

The Lemony-

(ads)

The Lemony vs. The Colons

couchyrhodes: @milliondollahjr If we win this match, we get a shot at the tag titles!

milliondollahjr: I totally forgot we were even a tag team!

TripleCCC: I guess we finally ran out of partners for thespanky.

PrimoCaribino: Hey, WWE Universe, finally good to get to talk to you guys without my brother interrupting!

TripleCCC: Took away @PrimoCaribino ’s phone. Shouldn’t be twittering during a match.

TripleCCC: Just lost. Blame Twitter. Damn you, Primo!

couchyrhodes: Can’t believe we actually won.

milliondollahjr: @RankyQMorgan42 will be soooo proud :-D

Backstage….

RankyQMorgan42: theremaoldy in amathlks? naohgy wafkjatyoing thapaaoot.

(ads)

Randy Orton (w/ The Lemony) vs. “Dave” Batista “Davidson”

RankyQMorgan42: Rahjhaoiud iouds isOafja Davaaa bafaadfat aDvaaraso! #CHINLOCK

MyChioda: Uhh…We all know Dave is hurt, right?

couchyrhodes: Wait! Why is that ambulance on the titantron?

milliondollahjr: Hundred bucks says it’s a Transformers tie-in.

tripsh: RAAAAAAAAAR!

tripsh: Beatin’ up lemony with a chair. Thatll teach them for trying to get over.

RankyQMorgan42: arkadou! OOOOOOO!

tripsh: PEDIGREE 2 @RANKYQMORGAN42~!!!!1!!

mjhocking: Next week: "Dave" Batista "Davidson" steps down as champion due to his crippling twitter addiction. Also, Triple H continues is thrilling co