by Johnny Diavalo
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

I could go on and on about Hogan and Piper leaving and how I love it.  About the whole Mr. America thing being totally fucking dumb, or Piper looking like a Morlock who's been chowing down on a couple extra surface dwellers per day.  It's easy shit.

Too easy for Johnny D.  I'm tired of telling you idiots about how much I like it after somebody leaves the WWF.  It's a cake walk to make fun of some douchebag after he's gone.  You know, like I did with the Rock and Jeff Hardy last time.  I don't need to do the same thing to Hogan and Piper.

Instead, I thought to myself that I should tell you who I want to be gone by the next time I do one of these things.  Sorta like Johnny D's personal hit list.  If I have good ideas, I'll even tell you who should be the replacement of the guy I just whacked.

First guy out: Albert.  Or A-train, or whatever the fuck they want to call him. We're supposed to think he's a monster, right?  The only scary thing about him is his back hair, though.  I've never seen him do one good interview or have one good match.  Goodbye, Albert.

In: Vader.  I know he's old.  But if they want a scary fat guy, Vader's way better than Albert.  I'll take a has-been over a never-will-be every time.

Out: Billy Gunn.  Jesus Christ, this guy was a flaming faggot last time we saw him.  Now he's back, and he's playing grab-ass with Torrie Wilson?  I ain't buying it, and the thongs and his waxed ass ain't helping his case any.  His gimmick is dumb, and he's the most boring wrestler of all times.  

In: Billy Kidman.  The guy's as boring a character as Gunn, but since he's really getting married to Torrie, they should just put the two of them together.  Kidman can at least wrestle good matches, and if he can't have better chemistry with Torrie than Mr. Ass, then there's something wrong.

Out:  Eric Bischoff.  I've had just about enough of Bischoff.  I just don't buy him as a real boss.  Plus, he's not a very good actor, so it's not like he can convince me he's really in charge of anything, like he used to be in WCW.

In:  Paul Heyman.  Captain Baseballcap there was always a really good interview.  Plus, he actually seems like he's smart and sneaky, unlike Bischoff.  Those would be good traits for an evil general manager.

Out: Rodney Mack.  His matches suck.  I guess his interviews do too, which is why he's got Teddy Long talking for him.  So he does nothing good?

In: Ahmed Johnson.  That guy really did kick ass.  The only problem was when he opened his mouth.  I think he'd be good if Teddy Long was doing his talking.  Unless he's still as fat as he was when he showed up in WCW a while back.

Out: All male Tough Enough winners.  Maven, Nowinski, Josh Matthews, and "Miss" Jackie, bye bye.  It's been almost two years for Maven, and what's he done?  Nada.  Matthews is a terrible announcer.  Nowinski's gimmick is good, but he's been nothing in the ring, yet.  And there's better pieces of ass to come out of Tough Enough that we don't need a slightly-mannish, shitty-acting waste of space like Tori 2.

In: a few X Division wrestlers.  The only time I liked Jeff Hardy was when he was jumping off high shit and doing crazy moves.  So I figure we can get a few X Division guys to do that shit, probably for less money than Jeff, and probably without being so goddamn annoying, too.

Out: Crash Holly and Shannon Moore.  I like Matt Hardy too much to have him keep dealing with these two useless idiots.

In: Nathan Jones.  I know you fuckheads, you think I'm crazy, right?  Well, I actually thought a lot about this.  Matt needs dumb muscle to kick ass for him, not two faggoty cruiserweights.  It don't come any dumber or more muscled than Nathan Jones.  He doesn't have to wrestle a lot, which is good because he sucks.  He just has to be easily manipulated into doing Matt's dirty work.  Jones could be like Diesel back when Diesel was cool.

Out: Lance Storm.  Well, shit, since you already think I'm retarded after the Nathan Jones thing, why not just cut to the chase.  Austin's right, Storm is boring.  Unless they bring in Bret Hart to manage him or something, nobody's ever gonna care about him.  Who gives a shit if he can wrestle a good match?  Not Johnny D.

In: some UFC guy or something.  I don't know.  But maybe a guy who people really believe can kick ass is what you need if you're gonna hire a technical wrestler with no charisma.

Out: Rikishi.  If he turns heel and drops the thong and the stupid dancing shit, he can stay.  Otherwise, he can't get out fast enough.

In: Masato Tanaka.  Remember him?  If you want a big Asian guy, this is the man.  He was a few years ago, anyway.  I haven't seen him since ECW.

Out: Steven Richards.  The last time he was interesting was like with the Blue World Order.  Well, the RTC was funny, too.  That was still 2 years ago.

In: Who the fuck cares?  Any asshole could come in and be useless on that Sunday night show that nobody watches.

Out: Johnny D.  Ta ta, suckers.

E-MAIL JOHNNY D.
BROWSE THE DEVIL'S DUE ARCHIVES

Chicago-area club owner Johnny Diavalo counts pro wrestling among his vices.  Periodically, he'll ramble into a tape recorder when he's struck by a few presumably clever things to say about the sport.  Thanks to his personal assistant, Miss Mancini, for transcribing those thoughts for us.

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