by Johnny Diavalo
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

Firstly, I like seeing Goldberg back.  The internet fuckwads who think they were right about Steiner can just shut the hell up about Goldberg being another dud. First thing, Steiner still looks like twice as much of an ass kicker than anyone else on the show.  And he ain't even been on TV often enough to suck as bad as everybody says he sucks.  He ain't my favorite, but come on.

But back to Goldberg.  Specially after last night on Raw, I think it's pretty obvious Goldberg should take the title from Triple H.  I like Kevin Nash and all too, but Goldberg looked better on the pay per view than Nash and he was awesome on Monday, too. Both those guys were favorites of mine back when I was watching all WCW.  I didn't know how they do coming back on the pay per view, but now, I think Goldberg looked OK.  I give him the edge.

They got all these jobbers lined up for him, too.  Tell me he won't look like a million fucking dollars beating the hell out of Christian and Steven Richards.  Line up a couple dozen of those pussies, get the streak built up, and then give him the title shot.  Or maybe Johnny D. is just all excited because the streak started against the Rock.

I never actually thought Rocky would have the balls to play a bad guy in the WWF.  But he did it, and I was wrong.  Rocky was even good at it for a couple months.  But by the end, he was doing the same stupid shit he did last summer.  Talking to his wang, the jimmy leg, that dickhead smile that reminds me of Craig Kilborne.  The one that says, "You love me and I know you love me because I am King Shit."  By the way, Kilborne is the most slappable bitch on TV today.  Counting Oprah.

So Rocky brought back all that dumb shit, and so I say who cares that he's leaving again?  He's getting out just before he really started pissing me off.  Good timing.

And who else decided to go bye-bye?  Jeff Hardy, that's who.  I couldn't be any happier. If he wanted to have Rocky's good timing, he woulda left like a year ago. C'mon, who's gonna buy a 140-pound fruitcake on a show where the main thing you do is kick ass?  Nobody.

I look at it this way.  In my business, if I filled up my club with 300 Jeff Hardys, I wouldn't have a line a block long full of guys willing to pay ten bucks just to walk in my door and check out the scene.  The only way to make money off a room fulla Jeff Hardys would be to go all ages so the middle school girls could get in.  

My point is if your audience is guys, the only way a 140 pound wrestler with no personality is gonna be popular is if she's a chick going about five-ten or five-eleven. I sorta think Jeff might like dudes, but that don't make him a diva.

I liked some of Jeff Hardy's matches, I guess, but I never liked Jeff Hardy.  There's just nothing to like about a scrawny fuck who prances around like a goddamned fairy wearing too much make-up.  The stuff he did that I liked was stuff anyone can do.  Like did you see Rey Junior at the pay per view?  That was some sick shit, and the WWF didn't need Jeff Hardy to pull it off.  There's other people who can do it and who I might actually care about.

All anybody ever said for years was how awesome Jeff Hardy was.  I never thought so, I just thought he was one of those sensitive creative types everybody made fun of in high school.  Maybe now people will agree with old Johnny D.

I also think Matt Hardy may be the smartest man in the world.  He let everybody think whatever they wanted about Jeff, but the whole time, he was the brains of the team.  He'd come up with the game plan, and it'd go like "OK Jeff, you jump off this 20 foot ladder through a table, then get up and jump off the 30 foot ladder.  Then just play dead while the rest of us finish the match.  Afterwards, you go write your fucking poetry or whatever it is you do.  I'll be in the gym working out.  And then maybe I'll try to learn how to cut a goddamned promo.  No, you don't have to come along if you don't want to.  Just go shopping for hankies and body paint if you want."

I ain't saying Matt used his brother, but I think Matt knew what Jeff was good for early on.  Which was jumping off stuff and then going off and doing weird shit in his spare time.  Matt put his time into looking and acting like a real wrestler.  It worked, because now him and Rey Junior are like the only cruiserweights worth shit.

All they gotta do is quit having Matt hang around with pussies, and he might even be a heavyweight contender.  Crash Holly is his back up?  Or Shannon Moore?  Shannon Moore reminds me of Jeff about 5 years ago, and that first name ain't helping either.  Get rid of those guys, and put Lita back with Matt, and people might take him seriously.  A guy with a babe having his back, that I can respect a lot more than a guy hanging out with a dude named Shannon.

You know who might need to go next after Rocky and Jeff?  Test.  He's been around for about five years and he ain't shown us anything.  Not even Stacy makes him worth watching. Test's days should be numbered.  Maybe by the next time I write he'll be gone.

Ta ta.

E-MAIL JOHNNY D.
BROWSE THE DEVIL'S DUE ARCHIVES

Chicago-area club owner Johnny Diavalo counts pro wrestling among his vices.  Periodically, he'll ramble into a tape recorder when he's struck by a few presumably clever things to say about the sport.  Thanks to his personal assistant, Miss Mancini, for transcribing those thoughts for us.

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