by Johnny Diavalo
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

I get the most good e-mail I ever got a few months ago for makin' fun of the Rock.  Then I sit back for a while and don't say nothin', and I've got all you assholes e-mailin' me, tellin' me I gotta come back, 'cause I'm so smart.  Then you all forget about me, and I don't get no e-mail since like October.  But I'm comin' back now 'cause I want to say all the things I said about the Rock all over again, just louder and with Steve Austin, Goldberg, and some other fucks thrown in, too.

If you loved it in August, you'll love it now.  Johnny D's plan kicks ass, don't it?

It ain't like I've quit watchin' the rasslin', but it definitely ain't exactly a high priority for me these days.  Writin' some jerk off column is even lower on my list.  It's probably easier for me to follow the WWF just by reading about it on the Online Onslaught than it is to watch the shows, sometimes.

So one of the things I'm followin' now is all this shit about different guys makin' big comebacks.  Like today, I read about Bill Goldberg comin' to the WWF.  And Hulk Hogan's thinkin' about it.  Scaia's talkin' all kinds of shit about Bret Hart, even.  

And there's Vince himself sayin' that Stone Cold and the Rock will be back in the WWF soon.  Before I wrote about how happy I was to see the Rock go, the time before that, I said I'd rather have the F in WWF back before Steve Austin.  So Johnny D is on Cloud fuckin' Nine after hearin' this latest news.

The Rock ain't worth the trouble.  Remember this summer?  He goes out on TV, acts like a jackass, and by the end, he got booed at SummerSlam.  People's Champion, my hairy ass.

Now, if Rocky would come back and do his same stupid interviews and let himself be the bad guy, it'd be different.  Personally, Johnny D wants to slap any jackass who can't go five seconds without saying "monkey anus" or doin' the jimmy leg.  But Rocky doesn't want the fans to feel like slappin' him, because he's a big fuckin 'movie star.

Giant pussy that he is, Rocky won't play the bad guy 'cause then fewer people might go so his next dumbass movie.  I don't think Rock will have the scrotes to go bad until his next three movies in a row all suck and nobody will hire him.  Kinda like how WCW convinced Hulk Hogan to turn bad.

Rocky as a bad guy would be cool, though.  He's so fuckin' annoying that he can't miss.  And his matches are pretty good most of the time.  But if you're just gonna keep playin' the good guy, then just stay the hell out in Hollywood.

Stone Cold is a different story.  He drinks, he curses, he kicks ass.  Johnny D can like a guy like that.  But Johnny D also got real sick and tired of "What," and don't have any respect for a guy who'll just give up and quit when he decides he doesn't like doin' his job.

Stone Cold has a list of guys he don't want to wrestle.  Stone Cold don't like this storyline.  So Stone Cold just goes runnin' home.  Not to mention he flips out and smacks his wife around.  Why the fuck should we be in a hurry to get this guy back?

Look, I got no room for delicate pussies who need to have everythin' just their way to do their job.  You're a professional wrestler, for christ's sake.  You don't get to be choosy.  Just do your job, dammit.  It's not like you're DeNiro and you get to pick the perfect roles.  And even if you are, hell, sometimes you gotta do a fuckin' "Analyze That" just to make some cash and get that dickweed Billy Crystal off your jock.

That's kind of the same deal with Bill Goldberg, too.  He sits back, and writes about how the WWF is horrible and how he'd never work there unless they changed.  Hey, I took a month or so off, missed my first pay-per-view in forever, when Triple H and Kane were doin' that Katie Vick shit, but guess what?  I didn't spend my time bitchin' about it.

You don't like it, Goldberg?  Then quit watchin', shut up, and don't return Vince's phone calls.  As soon as you even consider takin' Vince's money, you better be willin' to just do what they tell you.  Sit back and act like you're better and smarter than everyone else, or collect a big fat check.  But you can't have it both ways. You're just a pro wrestler, and not even a really good one from what I remember.  You ain't the savior who will make wrestling good and pure again.

Which reminds me that I'm already sick and fuckin' tired of Scott Steiner.  And Goldberg isn't gonna be much better. These guys both look like pro wrestlers, sure, but make them talk or wrestle a match, and they get real boring real fast.

I remember Bret Hart always sounded like he wanted to save wrestling, too, but now I guess we gotta be all nice and gentle with the guy what just had a stroke.  So I'll just point out that that there's a reason why Chris Benoit isn't a world champion today.  It's because you're only able to trick the fans into cheering for one Canadian without a personality once every 25 years.

Nothin' personal against Bret, but this technical wrestling gets old real fast.  If that's what he likes, then it's time to just stop paying attention.  The WWF isn't going to change for him, and he has no business asking them to.  Plus, he's gotta be carryin' a grudge for what happened to Owen.  And Montreal.  Nothin' good can come out of him comin' back.

Or maybe Scaia's been duped and Bret and the WWF aren't even talkin'.

Last is Hulk Hogan.  He's bigger than the other four guys combined.  Last year when he came back, it was huge.  And it was like the opposite of Rocky, 'cause Hogan tried to stay bad, but the fans wanted to cheer for him.  So he turned good, and everything was cool for a while.

But Hogan was the only comeback that ever really worked big time.  And none of these other guys is Hogan, so it's like proof that Rocky, Stone Cold, Goldberg, or Bret won't cut it if they come back.  And it's proof that Hogan blew his wad last year, and he ain't even the same Hogan, any more.  I doubt him comin' back would be worth much.  I mean, we already seen it, and I don't really want to see it again.

What I don't get is what's wrong with Booker T or Rob Van Dam.  Why go buy a main event guy when you got a couple just waiting for a chance?  It's fuckin' stupid.  Maybe Rocky as a bad guy or Stone Cold doin' his job when he's told would be cool, too, but those other guys are money down the toilet.

Ta ta.

E-MAIL JOHNNY D.
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Johnny Diavalo lives in Chicago, owns his own night club, and sometimes watches pro wrestling.

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