by Johnny Diavalo
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

Back when Scaia started doin' this website, he asked me if I'd write somethin' for him.  I used to send him e-mails sometimes, goin' back a few years, and I guess he liked what he saw.  He said somethin' about being OO's asshole heel.  

Now, I don't go 'round to a lot of different websites, but I try to check out most of what Scaia puts on this one.  And now, I see he's got other guys doin' the asshole thing.  And, unlike Johnny D., the Smarkies and the Week in Fake Wrestlin' guys actually do this every fuckin' week.

Well, losers, it's time to learn from the ultimate asshole.  School will still only be in session about once a month, though.  You see, I got a life.

I got two things I want to deal with today.

First is Scott Keith.  Like I said, I don't read a whole lot of anythin' about wrestlin' 'cept what Scaia puts on OO, and I'm sorry if the big boss doesn't like that one of the only things that's pissin' me off right now is one of his boys.  But that's how it is.

I read Keith's SummerSlam recap.  He liked the show.  So did I.  Good start.  Two big assholes both like a show.  Somebody call Guinness.

Then he did this big rant after he recapped the Michaels/Triple H match.  It sounded like he was tryin' to come up with reasons why the match wasn't as good as it actually was.  

It was only good because Shawn Michaels is a retired guy who gets special treatment from fans, or because Triple H only works good against his friends, or because Michaels is on drugs, or because none of the other matches had tables in them.  It served no purpose because Michaels isn't ever gonna wrestle again, and so it was bad that this match was the best on the show because it stole attention away from other guys. 

Shove it up your ass.

Yeah, Shawn Michaels gets special treatment from fans.  No shit, Einstein.  Even I found myself cheerin' for the guy, and let me tell you, I used to hate his faggotty ass, 'specially back when he was a Rocker.  Tryin' to turn the fact that Michaels used to have great matches, got hurt, had to retire with a bad back, and now the fans feel for him into a reason to take away from the big response to his return match is plain stupid.

Who cares if Triple H worked harder at SummerSlam than he usually does?  We got a good match in the deal.  It's not something you should be pissin' and moanin' about.  It's something you should save as a bitch for later, when a Triple H match isn't so good.  The thing with the drugs and the stealin' attention away from other matches is bullshit, too.  Those are things that nobody sittin' at home gives two shits about.  Like I said, we got a good match in the deal, and I don't get why somebody wants to find a reason for why that's a bad thing.  You want a purpose for the match?  How 'bout it made me feel like I put my time and money into a good pay per view for once.  What the fuck's wrong with that?

And alls the while Keith is telling me why I shouldn't like Michaels vs. Triple H, he's fallin' all over himself to tell me how Benoit vs. RVD was awesome.  I seen better RVD matches.  I even seen better Benoit matches.  Their match was OK, but nothin' special.

I swear, this would all make a lot more sense if we found out that Triple H boned Keith's mom and that he was a closet homo with a man crush on boring, no-charisma-havin' Canadian wrestlers.  But I'm sure it ain't anything that interestin'.  He's probably just another one of these web jockeys that Scaia was bitchin' about a few weeks ago who thinks he knows wrestlin' better than the people gettin' paid to do it.

Which brings me to a guy who gets paid a lot to do it.  The Rock.

Let me be brief:  Don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out, Rocky.

I'm sure it's gonna suck for the WWF's business, but just as a guy that watches this stuff on TV sometimes, I am not gonna miss the Rock at all.  If this guy had gone bad guy months ago, maybe now he'd be in a spot where he'd be missed.  Instead, he's just an annoying good guy that I'm happy is goin' to Hollywood.

When he's in the ring, I see why he's got to where he is: he's big, he's strong, he's fast, his matches don't suck.  But for the last two months, any time he gets near a mic, he just seems like a pretty boy that's convinced his shit don't stink.

What, nobody's got the balls to go up to the Rock backstage and tell him his stuff's not funny tonight?  None of these announcers have the spine to tell the Rock they don't want to be his prop for some stupid anal bestiality skit?  And how about fans who lap up total shit like the jimmy leg from last week?

It makes me sick, and it doesn't make me at all upset to see the guy go off to do another fuckin' awful movie.

The WWF should hire me as an announcer next time Rocky's back.  I wouldn't take any of his shit.  I'd stand there and hold the microphone and try to ignore him.  Then maybe I'd repeat my question.  If he kept at it with the me rapin' a rooster story, I'd tell him to either shut up or answer my damn question.  He don't like it, he can do somethin' about it. Fuckin' go ahead and beat my ass if you have to, Rock.  At least that's wrestlin'.  But I'm not standin' there with a mic so he can to sell the fans another crock of bullshit.

Back to SummerSlam for a sec.

Just when I'm sure I'm the only one out there who's had enough of the Rock, somethin' like this happens.  I loved it.  "Rocky sucks" chants are a beautiful thing.  Then I read the Rock tried to get the fans back on his side after the show, and couldn't do it.  I laughed my ass off.

I won't pretend to know wrestlin' like Scott Keith knows wrestlin', but I think I know business well enough to say that no matter how much the fans turn on Rock, he'll never play the bad guy.  Even if the WWF asked him, which they won't, he wouldn't do it.  You can't be a bad guy and expect fans to pay for tickets to go see your movie.  Simple as that.  Just ask Dennis Rodman.  Or maybe that's just cuz he sucked at everythin' 'cept rebounding.

As long as the Rock is a big shot Hollywood movie star, he ain't gonna come back to the WWF to be the bad guy.  Which means if he does come back, it's gonna be more of the same bullshit.  And if that's the case, let me say this one more time so it's really clear:  Don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out, Rocky.

I'll take my chances with Kurt Angle or Triple H or Booker T or Chris Jericho actually doin' shit that's funny.  You can go to Hollywood and see if anybody's fuckin' enough of a kiss-ass to tell you they think it'd be great to do a movie with the jimmy leg as the star.

Ta ta.

E-MAIL JOHNNY D.
BROWSE THE DEVIL'S DUE ARCHIVES

Chicago-area club owner Johnny Diavalo counts pro wrestling among his vices.  Periodically, he'll ramble into a tape recorder when he's struck by a few presumably clever things to say about the sport.  Thanks to his personal assistant, Miss Mancini, for transcribing those thoughts roughly once a week.

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