by Johnny Diavalo
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

I figured you'd all be real happy to be rid of Johnny D and his foul mouth, but [whiny voice] nooooooo [end whiny voice], now there's some of you bitching about how you miss me.  Whatever.

So I had this great idea.  I'll come back and do a column to satisfy the second group of whiny bitches, and to make that first bunch of whiny bitches happy, I won't use that one bad word this time around.  You know, the F Word.

It's just a four letter word, and don't get me wrong, I still think you're an idiot if you get pissed off by it.  But then I think to myself, "There's a four letter word out there that's pissin' me off something wicked right now, so maybe I should be nicer to those whiny bitches, afterall."  Maybe this new word doesn't piss you off as much as it pisses me off, so for the rest of this column, whenever I feel like saying that one bad word, I'll use this other four letter word instead.

The four letter word I'm talkin' about is "What."

Jesus whatin' Christ, this is gettin' stupid.  It was kinda funny when Austin did it, and still sorta funny when the crowd would join in a few times during Austin's interviews. But now it's happenin' even when Austin's not even involved in anything.  The crowd just starts doin' this goddamn "What" thing all the time.

Of course, I blame the whatin' fans.  I've seen these people.  Most of 'em are idiots, and this is probably as close to a real good time as they'll ever have in their lives, goin' to live wrestling shows and chanting catchphrases along with 10,000 other sexless mutants.

But I also blame Steve Austin, too.  If the guy weren't so interested in selling a new whatin' t-shirt, he woulda realized how obnoxious this whole thing was gonna get, and he could have done interviews that only sometimes used the "What" thing.  Instead, he goes out on grocery sprees and pauses after every item on his list, and then tells the story of the Beverly whatin' Hillibillies with breaks after every single whatin' line.

I wish I could take comfort in thinking that the whole "What" thing was gettin' over-played and would die out soon all by itself.  But I don't have that kind of faith in wrestling fans to know when something is old and tired, and even if they did realize that, I'd be real scared that the next thing they latched on to would be even more whatin' retarded.

Speakin' of old and tired, who the what's idea was it to bring back the NWO?  When I kept readin' here that Hall and Nash were coming back, I thought it was an OK idea.  I mean, I liked them at various times in the 90s, especially when they were Diesel and Razor Ramon.  But then they said Hulk Hogan was comin' back, too, and they are re-doin' the NWO, and I couldn't believe it.  Hogan was never good in the 90s, and the NWO was fun for about 6 months, and then it spent 5 years abso-whatin'-lutely sucking, and they want to bring it back.

Whatin' morons.

Course, Vince McMahon is also a guy who thinks shootin' a load in his pants on SmackDown is a good idea, so this is the sort of brain power we're dealin' with here. 

Last column, I talked about the new Undertaker kickin' Matt Hardy's ass and how much I loved it.  This time I can talk about how much I loved watchin' him kick Maven's ass.  I never watched Tough E-whatin'-nough, so I don't know jack about this kid's story.  All I know is he needs a charisma transplant and a good 16 hours under the knife to take care of those goddamned eye brows before he's ready to do anything other than keep his mouth shut and get his ass kicked by everybody on the roster.

And I repeat: the new Undertaker rules.

I'm gettin' real sick of Jerry Lawler.  Just cuz the guy's single again doesn't mean that he's 25 again.  I mean, Jesus, the guy's pushing 60 and he probably relates best to the 12 year olds in the audience any time a good lookin' girl is on TV.  He speaks their language, and he does it at one billion decibels.  Whatin' annoying, if you ask me.

Creed to U2 to Kid Rock.  It's getting better, but very slowly.  At this rate, sometime in 2006 the WWF will produce their first music video to a song that's actually good.

And there's one last thing I've been meaning to say before I go:  Fuck.

E-MAIL JOHNNY D.
BROWSE THE DEVIL'S DUE ARCHIVES

Chicago-area club owner Johnny Diavalo counts pro wrestling among his vices.  Periodically, he'll ramble into a tape recorder when he's struck by a few presumably clever things to say about the sport.  Thanks to his personal assistant, Miss Mancini, for transcribing those thoughts roughly once a week.

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