_________________

We had the match against Carlito, with Jericho as referee, the handicap match against the Basham Brothers, the streetfight with Jesus, the handicap v. Carlito and Jericho, the match with Jericho (with Bischoff at ringside), beating Hassan in 2 minutes, Tomko in a little longer, Angle and Tomko in another handicap, Angle with Daivari as referee, and now Angle and Masters in a submission match.

A few suggestions for Cena wins in the coming weeks:
• Body slam challenge v. Big Show, with Kane allowed in the ring
• Facing HHH with the sledgehammer allowed, while carrying Viscera on his shoulders, in a Last Man Standing Match
• Facing Carlito with hands tied behind his back and an apple in his mouth, while Snitsky licks his feet
• Ladder match in handcuffs against Edge, with The Heartthrobs doing a lap dance on him
• A "Loses Title By Dropping Baseball Cap" Match while bungee jumping repeatedly from the arena ceiling against Angle, while being kicked back up by Shelton, Tomko and Masters
• Handicap Hell In A Cell match v. Viscera, Big Show, King Kong Bundy, Natural Disasters, A-Train, Rikishi, and the spirit of Yokozuna
• Blindfold, falls-count-anywhere, no-DQ match against the entire Raw and SD roster

Surely the writers can come up with ways for him to win these matches, no?
— Nuno


I am hoping that Angle will get all "terroristy" with his new gimmick and have Daivari cut off Cena's head with a saw. Cena of course would tell poop and camel jokes while his head is being severed. Then his body would magically get up and F-U Angle through an Arabian announce table, while his head break dances. Then the head would say, "You can't see Zombie Cena," at Daivari, and Daivari would fall to his knees and pray to Jesus for forgiveness. A random diva would then enter the scene and suck off Cena, while Cena's head talks about the latest wiffle ball bat that you should buy from wwe.com.
— benoitbrokemyneck


John Cena should fight all of the remaining north american buffalo to the death. Then he will use every part of the buffalo to create a time machine to go back and repopulate the buffalo so that when present day comes around, there are buffalo for him to kill.
— angstboy


A kennel from hell match — think of the psychology as he tries to overcome the desire to make jokes about the poop outside, then he outright loses it when the dogs start humping. Of course, as he's only fighting every former world champ on the roster (Kane, Big Show, HBK, HHH, Flair, Hogan, Foley, Austin, and The Rock), this should only really last five minutes, until we reach the ultimate battle — Five Knuckle Shuffle (which I always thought was a euphemism for masturbation) v. The People's Elbow.
— Gobshite


Have Carlito shoot Cena, unloading a full Uzi clip into his face. Then Cena will get up, chew on all the bullets and spit out one giant bullet that instantly kills Carlito.
— angstboy


Cena should have a casket match with The Undertaker. But Cena should have to start the match in the casket, underground, with Undertaker sitting in a bulldozer atop the mound of newly turned earth. Cena will then have to get out of the casket, fight Undertaker, and put him in the casket and bury him. Of course, since it's John Cena, some gay-ass half-hip-hop/half-house remix of the theme from The Great Escape will fill the arena, and he will dig his way out of the earth with the help of his buddy Danny "The Tunnel King," played by the Zombie Charles Bronson. ZCB will probably turn on him, though, but Cena will kill ZCB by throwing him into a collapsing tunnel, then F-5 the Undertaker into the scoop of the bulldozer and bury him down where the Morlocks live. But that's just a RAW scenario. If it happens on a pay-per-view, the show will close with all the Morlocks rising from the earth and dancing to a gay-ass house mash-up of Cena and Victoria's theme.

GO! GO! GO! GO! GO! GO! GO! GO! GO! GO! GO! Boooooyeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
— Jeb Tennyson Lund


John Cena should challenge opponents to push-up contests, selecting rotund members of the audience to sit on his back while he does so. When one of the audience members inevitably turns on him and attacks, John Cena will lift the man over his head and then take a shit on Dino Bravo's corpse. Then, the French Canadian mafia will shoot John Cena but the bullets will bling off his bling and hit the mobsters in their eyes. They will then not be able to see him. At which time, Cena will hit them with the corpse of Dino Bravo, knock them all unconscious, pile them on his back, and continue to do push-ups.
— angstboy


Every time someone lands a move on Cena, it hurts them instead of him. Punches break people's hands; any suplex or lifting move puts their back out, etc.
— Stu


John Cena will face Big Show in a "shotgun on the pole" match. The ending will come about when Show reaches the gun first and sends a huge blast into Cena's chest. However, since Cena is a god and immune to bullets, they will just bounce off of him and come hurtling back at Show. Thankfully, Show moves out of the way in time, and avoids being blown to bits. Cena, realizing that "his time is now" then tells the most extreme dick joke in the history of penis-related humor, a joke so extreme that it causes Show's head to explode and anyone within a ten mile radius to instantly go deaf.
— punkerhardcore


John Cena could fight a huge black guy played by Tiny Lister, named "Jupiter." They will fight in a movie AND in the ring. Jupiter will have a huge red spot on his chest that is really a giant hurricane that could swallow the whole earth three times. Gregory Helms will jump out of his chest and get beat up by Cena. Cena will throw Helms back at Jupiter and he will be flung into orbit around him. The great forces tugging on Helms will cause his core to heat up. Gregory Helms will become the first actively volcanic wrestler ever. Jupiter, meanwhile, will emit waves of deadly radiation that could kill everyone... everyone, that is, except John Fuckin' Cena! Once everyone is dead, and Jupiter and Helms are defeated, John Cena will use the Genesis device from Star Trek to bring everyone back to life, after he flies backwards around the earth.
— angstboy


• Angle Recruits all 120 members of his family who are wrestlers (this number will be exaggerated, and some local indy guys will make up the rest of the "Angle Family") to face Cena in an elimination handicap match for the title. The scene will be a bit like the burly brawl from Matrix Reloaded, except all the Angles will moonsault on top of Cena, before he miraculously stacks them all up on top of his shoulders and does 120 simultaneous FUs that leave them all knocked out long enough for Cena to roll each over and pin every single one of them individually.
• The Cast of Dragonball Z Show up and hit all of their ultimate attacks on Cena at the same time, creating a crater half the size of the planet and a lot of smoke. When they say "No One could survive THAT!" the smoke clears, and Cena hasn't even got a scratch on him. With one mean look, all the DBZ characters faint in terror, winning the match for Cena instantaneously.
— Stu


While walking backstage, John Cena is knocked out cold by a clangy-pole-wielding Big Show. He's then stretchered to a nearby hospital, where medical staff put a face-hugger alien on him. After it falls off, he's transported via Boogeyman-driven and worm-filled ambulance back to the arena, where he is told that he must face Angle in an Angle Challenge of Fear. He has five minutes to pin Angle and drink from the vial of Neutralizing Solution; otherwise, when the bell rings, he will lose the title, and the chest-burster will explode from beneath his be-chainéd breast.

Of course, Cena just says:
Angle Challenge of Fear?
More like, "Angle Challenge of Queer"!
Everyone knows Angle can't beat me.
That's 'cause he wants to "meat" me! [mimes a blowjob]

Cena then beats Angle ten seconds too late. But that doesn't matter. The chest-burster explodes out of his sternum, and its natural body acid immediately eats through Angle's gold medals. Cena produces a vial of "Pimp Juice" and pours it on his chest, instantaneously healing all wounds. He and the chest-burster then battle rap, eventually agreeing to a respectful draw.

PLAY MY MUSIC!
— Jeb Tennyson Lund


Cena v. Cena in a Cena leaves town match?
— ConspiracyVictim

Yes. Inexplicably, Cena wins and ties the Cena v. Cena: Cena Leaves Town match, then leaves town without ever exiting the arena. As a finale, he whips out a giant glossy photograph of Werner Heisenberg and takes an unprecedented three-minute-long leak all over it. After the match, Nobel Laureate chemists can find no trace of urine on the mat, on the picture or in the surrounding ring area. ("No fair! They changed the results by observing them!") Thus Cena is then given the Nobel Prize in Physics, because, "While he is famous and on television, he cannot be observed; yet inexplicably when he is observed, it does not alter the outcome of the match." Due to his pioneering research, physicists are able to determine by 2009 that it is in fact reality that is faked, and instead wrestling that is a series of randomly occurring natural phenomena.
— Jeb Tennyson Lund


All of the RAW and Smackdown! faces are captured and taken to Cloud City by Darth Vader and Boba Fett. John Cena flies to Bespin on Falcor from The Neverending Story; and then uses Falcor as dental floss because he had bits of the Colombian drug lords he ate for breakfast stuck in his teeth. He finds Vader and Boba Fett in the carbon freezing chamber where he promptly rhymes "Boba Fett" with "loads-of-head," shooting Boba's colon out through his ears, sending a shower of blood out the bottom of his helmet. Cena grabs C-3PO's golden codpiece, and it magically turns into a lightsaber with which Cena duels Vader. Cena tricks Vader by voluntarily freezing himself in carbonite, busting out of it, and no-selling the hibernation sickness. Vader and Cena continue to sword fight out onto a tiny bridge over a huge pit where Cena gets his hand cut off by Vader (which Cena also no-sells), waves his not-severed hand in front of his face, and then FUs Darth Vader into the pit. Afterwards, John Cena rescues all of the WWE wrestlers, pins them all in a handicap match, has a three-way with Christy Hemme and Lando Calrissian, and then no-sells the herpes.
— angstboy


Cena takes on Jesus "The O.G" in a "Loser Leaves the Fed and the Existential Plane" Match. Surprisingly, the son of God has the early advantage and actually gets a few two counts on the Doctor of Thuganomics. Soon enough though, Cena gets this "Oh, you've done it now. I'm CONSTIPATED!" look on his face and suddenly no-sells every holy move out of Jesus' repertoire. Jesus is bug-eyed and can't believe he's about to put over Cena, despite his best efforts. A spinning back drop from the Chain Gang leader soon leaves Jesus exhausted, back flat on the mat. Cena's feeling it now. He knows the truth. "You can't see me, Jesus!" and bam! Five Knuckle Shuffle! Jesus is besides himself; he attempts a low blow out of desperation, but Cena being the wiser anticipates that Jesus is going make a pass for "deez nuts" and counters by grabbing Jesus' arm and propping him up over his shoulders. A flash later, it's the F-U to Jesus, followed by the 1-2-3.

Cena's music hits, and he barely has any time to celebrate with his blinged-out belt before the festivities are interrupted by an announcement that on the next PPV Cena will be facing... GOD himself in a "I QUIT/HELL IN A CELL" match!
— Trickstar


You forgot the part when Jesus pulls a fire-axe out from under the ring, sinks it deep into Cena's skull, and the crowd starts chanting "Ho-ly Ghost! Ho-ly Ghost!" and "E-C-Dub!" Of course, Cena yanks it out, and sort of pulls back together like the liquid metal T-1000 in Terminator 2.
— ParanoidObsessive


Cena breaks the Masterlock.
— outback jack


John Cena is playing against Mike Ditka in fantasy football. Ditka's lineup contains Dan Marino, Jerry Rice, Art Monk, and the ghost of Jim Brown. (Sure, he's alive, but you can't tackle a ghost.) Cena's lineup consists of Rick Majerus and William Howard Taft bound together by sausage links while trying to simultaneously hula hoop. He also has a kicker, Christy Brown (of My Left Foot fame).

Come Monday Night football, Ditka is up 421 points. Cena decides to bench all of his players and pick himself up off the waiver wire, which is completely unfair since Lynn Swann's team had a worse record and should have had top priority. Still, Cena has Cena on his team and convinces Bill Parcells that the he's got a Ph.D in Cowboynomics and suits up at quarterback for the Stars. The Baltimore Ravens defense is no match for Cena, as he rushes and passes for league records in every category and even gets John Madden to fly out for the game. Ditka loses.

In the end, Ray Lewis tries to stab Cena, but he no-sells it and then gets to tell the TV Cameras that he's going to Disneyworld, where he promptly gets lost in the diverse crowd, since you can't see him.
— borntorun


WWE plays footage that shows that on his days off, Cena helps Bill Paxton and Helen Hunt chase down tornadoes. They drive up to the wall cloud in a truck, in the bed of which Cena sits naked except for his WWE Bling Belt and a backwards hat. As the wind storm approaches, Bill and Helen tape transmitters to Cena's body to take readings on the tornado. They dump him out of the back of the truck on the road and speed the fuck away. Little red lights blink on as the transmitters activate themselves. Cena takes this as his cue to start "scientificating" at the tornado. Of course, his research is rap-based, being a professor of thuganomics and all...

What's up with all this wind?
You big dirty funnel.
You betta rec-a-nize who I am
Cuz you're about to get pummeled.

As storms go, you stink.
Better change your profession.
I've seen better blowin'
last time I was at Confession.

Then he gets sucked up into the tornado and starts taking readings. Meanwhile, Bill and Helen are far down the road as the data comes in. Over the radio, Cena's voice crackles, "Yo, how do I look from here?" Bill and Helen roll their eyes but have no choice but to answer in unison "WE CAN'T SEE YOU!" That's all Cena had to hear. With that, Cena FUs the F5 into a trailer park, where all of the residents are torn between loving him and hating him. They eventually decide on love, because he's John FUCKING Cena.
— angstboy


Cena v. Galactus, Apocalypse, Doomsday, all of Cobra, Zach Gowan, Zach Braff, Zach Zach He's a Lego Maniac, the entire cast of What's Happening!, Dr. Hannibal Lecter, a really pissed off otter, four fat hookers, the reanimated corpse of John Ritter (which has been altered and enhanced with the DNA of King Kong), and Oprah Winfrey (w/ Dr. Phil) — Handicap match for the title

Cena begins by kicking Gowan's leg out from under where he doesn't have his other leg, thereby taking the only actual trained wrestler out of the match. Up next, Cena "Supermans up" and begins trading punches with Doomsday; meanwhile, Sgt. Slaughter runs in on Cena's behalf, and Slaughter and all of Cobra brawl to the back. After disposing of Doomsday, Cena grabs a mic, yelling, "Oprah says Scientology is bullshit," causing a couch to fall upon Oprah and Dr. Phil. Tom Cruise appears from nowhere and begins jumping up and down on the couch, eliminating the portly pair. Next, Cena no-sells getting hit with the Lego Train o' Despair and tears it apart with his bare hands, causing the Lego Maniac to run away sobbing. Next Cena pops out his metal claws, causes lighting to fall from the sky, teleports about and uses his eyebeam and sonic scream together, eliminating everyone but Galactus. Eric Bischoff runs to the ring in a rage, signaling for help from the back. The Shockmaster tears through the RAW set but trips and dies. Galactus destroys the world, killing John Cena, but just as it seems all is lost, Unicron agrees to resurrect Cena with a newer, even more powerful body — if Cena agrees to bring him the Matrix of Leadership. Cena complies and is turned into GalvaCena, who uses his mighty powers to destroy Galactus with an F-U and a shot from his arm cannon. Then Cena does the "You can't see me" and destroys Unicron, too, finally using the Matrix of Leadership, a battle rap, and the help of Dakota Fanning to restore the world exactly as it was, saving the day AND retaining the championship.
— Chris is Good517


These are all excellent dream matches, but when I think invincibility, I think of promises of thousand-year reigns and gripping the world in the throes of terror. Of course I'm talking about John Cena, but how does Nazi Germany's Fuhrer compare?

JOHN CENA v. ADOLF HITLER
Tale of the Tape:

Anti-Semitism:
Hitler: Killed Jews by sending them into gas chambers, which from the outside resembled bathhouses.
Cena: Cleaned Paul Heyman's mouth out with soap. (Or, as he said, SooooAAAPP!)
EDGE: HITLER

Art:
Hitler was a failed artist who took his failure out on the successful painters, sculptors, etc., of his time.
Cena: His debut album wasn't quite the success everyone had hoped, thus bringing down all the other hip hop "stars" who guested on it.
EDGE: CENA

Fashion Accessory:
Hitler: Brush Mustache
Cena: Spinner Belt
EDGE: EVEN

Little Girl Factor:
Hitler: Anne Frank hated him.
Cena: SQUUEAAALLLL!!!!!
Edge: CENA

Homophobia:
Hitler: Killed gays.
Cena: Tells other men that if they "want some, come get some!" (See, I make gay jokes, too, Cena! Eat that!)
EDGE: HITLER

Official Anthem:
Hitler: The flag high, the ranks tightly closed,
The S.A. marches with silent solid steps.
Comrades shot dead by Red Front and reaction,
March in spirit within our ranks.

Cena: Your time is up, my time is now
You can't see me, my time is now
It's the franchise, boy I'm shinin' now
You can't see me, my time is now!
EDGE: CENA, for the brass section at the beginning.

Overcoming the Odds:
Hitler: Lost to Allied Forces
Cena: Automatically wins every handicap match.
EDGE: CENA

Preferred Use of Hands:
Hitler: Stiff, outstretched arm; all five fingers at attention.
Cena: Five Knuckle Shuffle
EDGE: EVEN

Favorite way of rhyming "Car exhaust"
Hitler: Holocaust
Cena: Salad Tossed
EDGE: HITLER

Worst Tag Team Partner:
Hitler: Italy
Cena: Bull Buchanan
EDGE: CENA

Disabled Contemporary:
Hitler: Franklin Delano Roosevelt
Cena: Randy Orton
EDGE: HITLER

Racial Irony:
Hitler: Promotes Aryan race, despite not having the blonde hair and blue eyes often (wrongly) associated with the race.
Cena: He be a Wigger, yo.
EDGE: EVEN

Professional Practice:
Hitler: Eugenics
Cena: Thuganomics
EDGE: Dr. Cena

Official Merchandise:
Hitler: Swastika Armband
Cena: Thug Life giant foam hands
EDGE: CENA

German Association
Hitler: Third Reich
Cena: Heidenreich
EDGE: HITLER

Catchphrase:
Cena: YOU CAN'T SEE ME!
Hitler: (said angrily) YOU CAN NAZI ME!
EDGE: HITLER

Final Score: Cena 7, Hitler 6. Yep, Cena beats Hitler. Gestapo? More like GestaPOO.
— borntorun

_________________

A Cavalcade of Dick Jokes
As those of you who still snigger at the word "lubricious" (because its first syllable sounds like "lube") will have noticed, WWE recently released a tag team named The Dicks. Within two posts, almost all OO discussion about the release of said tag team devolved into a succession of dick-related double-entendres and — well, let's be honest — single entendres. Since, taken in succession, the whole of each post can be a little bit much, here's a sizable portion of the discussion, rendered in a conversational format. Note: the dialogue has been reordered to reflect posts that were replying to others, rather than ordering them chronologically.

Blade: (quotes WWE press release) Sounds like they pissed somebody off, rather than the "Whoops, somehow your gimmick of being the Dicks didn't catch fire with the crowd, see ya."
Jeb: They probably couldn't keep it in their pants backstage. I'm sure WWE didn't want something to blow up in their face.
Stu: So what you're saying is, they got the shaft? The Dicks were screwed? They never got a chance to penetrate the division? They couldn't fill the hole of much needed tag teams? The WWE let The Dicks slip through their fingers? I'll get my coat....
Jeb: With a gimmick like that, you'd really have thought they'd elevate themselves.
Stu: If they'd been given a little more of a rub, the Dicks could have exploded all over the scene. Though I heard they always worked stiff, so maybe that's why.
Borntorun: It's a shame they couldn't join up with The Bashams. Basham/Dicks would have been a rock-solid unit.
2HoT: Yup, that woulda been a real slobberknocker, if you weeeel.
Figure Foreskin: Now with the former Johnson's from TNA on SD, I would've liked to see a rubber match between those teams. It would've been quite a cockfight.
Jeb: You've gotta love seeing this guy [above] post in this thread.
Blown Spot: [nice name — ed.] Hmmm...
Jeb: I didn't even notice that wording. Boy is there egg on my face!
King of Harts: This doesn't surprise me. You have to imagine they were real pricks backstage.
Stu: Though with their gimmicks and in-ring skills, they were something of a total package.
Borntorun: Let's just be glad they're gone before they were put into some weird angles. I, for one, hope The Dicks are inserted into a into Mr. Ass's segments in TNA.
Stu: As faces or heels? I think it's work either way. As faces, they could get beaten thoroughly for the majority of the match, before coming from behind to score. And as heels, well, I'm sure they'd get a lot of heel heat for double-teaming.
Madiq: [a name which, when said by a Frenchman, sounds like "Mah dick" — ed.] I'm fairly sure they'll be in ROH before long. They're fairly close to BJ Whitmer, teaching him how to perform the Wrist-Clutch Exploder...
Jeb: Let's not rush to stick it to the WWE here. I'm sure WWE could have let them pop up on TV each week, but these guys were never going to come through even with a major rub. I mean, they could have beaten JBL — he's shown backstage that he's willing to work with younger talent like this — but these guys probably would have blown it anyway.
Stu: Did they ever come up for a name for that thing they did when things reached a climax? Y'know, when the The Dicks squirted their liquid in someone's face?
Jeb: Now I don't want to seem like I get off on bashing these two, but really, what sort of future did you think they had? Neither of these guys had the moves or the stamina to be Iron Men. With the stuff they could pull off, they were best suited to little two- or three-minute matches with a quick burst of signature moves... then on to another match. Neither of these guys were studs that you'd expect to hold people's interest in a big setting. Better to dump them now.
Figure Foreskin: From what I've heard, The Dicks could be quite a pain in the ass.
Jeb: Have we even considered the locker room factor? You've got to imagine that veteran stars endowed with greater talents really hated the idea of going down to these guys in big matches. Can you picture being at the end of your career and being told that you were going to job to these guys on your way out? That's gotta be pretty hard to swallow.
Figure Foreskin: They were just too cocky and they were prematurely released.
LOL: Letting the Dicks go? That's nuts. I'm sure the Dicks were disappointed. Granted, they might not have been making jack during their tenure but they were enjoying the exposure.
Figure Foreskin: Its a shame that WWE unloaded The Dicks. But the really were handled poorly.
Jeb: Oh, come off it. I don't want to have any beef with you, but do I have to drill it into your thick skull that these guys just didn't have what it takes to pull off on a big stage like WWE? Thank god they got yanked off TV and shown the backdoor before they got any stroke behind the scenes.
ModSquad004: Well, maybe they were just too short. Vince likes the big men, you know.
Punkerhardcore: They'll probably have more fans now that they've been released... I hear most girls don't like Dicks that are uncut.
Jeb: We need to figure out if they sucked or blew while in WWE. Someone should put up a poll.
Borntorun: I think the WWE is moving toward a more diversified and multicultural company. The Dicks just weren't big enough. If they were black, though, they'd be HUGE.
Lorraine: We could blame this on Vince being a size-queen. But really, the long and short of it is: WWE needs performers who can make me scream. The Dicks never got me excited. The last time they popped up on Smackdown, I went back to reading my book. In fact, I probably would have dozed off if I didn't think Matt Hardy would be coming next.
Wee Bull: They really didn't deserve everything that was handed to them. Ejected onto the scene and expected to perform at such short notice, it was a real cock-up by WWE.
DrBoz: Seriously... talking about the Dicks [for this long]? It's almost as if once you start thinking about them you can go for hours and hours on end. Once you've got a Dick on the mind (or two Dicks even) it's hard to let it go apparently. I know I for one never appreciated the Dicks and feel they've left a gigantic stain on the industry.
2HoT: What I don't understand is why they couldn't have just been sent back to OVW to be re-tooled.
Borntorun: I just think the Dicks were running on empty. They pushed and pushed them to the point of exhaustion, but they were just battered and ultimately squeezed dry. So, really, don't grab a tissue; they have to clean up this mess themselves.
Trickstar: Wow, these two were in and out of WWE so fast they must hold some sort of record. Or is it WWE that should hold a record for blowing their load so prematurely with wrestlers? This company is showing serious signs of dysfunction with their impotent booking and limp gimmicks. They need to get some blood to flow in and redress this disappointing situation. They seem to have no drive or desire to even try these days.
Angstboy: I think the innuendo in this thread has become quite flaccid. I wish someone would impregnate it with something a little more meaty. Like a BONER.
Jeb: I agree. I think the in-your-endo could really use some prodding. From a PENIS. A BIG PENIS. PENIS!!!!!!!
Angstboy: I LIKE BIG HAIRY THROBBING COCKS!
ModSquad003: Okay. You guys have "shot your load" on this subject. You're all "cocks of the walk" and some such thingy. Heh heh, "thingy."

_________________

Can We Talk Seriously About Water? Is Water 'Over'? Seriously, Why Are People Even Fans of Water Anyway? Most Water Fans Are ________, and I Can Prove That
This may not be everyone's cup of tea, but for those who've spent years discussing wrestling on message boards, the following may prove oddly satisfying.

Recently, yet another newbie started a discussion about wrestling fans by addressing that very subjective topic with a question and a brief opinion. (To paraphrase: "almost all wrestling fans are idiot hicks who we 'elite' wrestling fans are ashamed of.") However, when virtually every respondent disagreed with the original poster's conclusions, he took the delightfully predictable troll route and announced that his opinion in a questioning discussion thread about a subjective matter was, instead, objective fact, and that basically anyone arguing otherwise was wasting his or her time. In short:

Let's discuss this question + People responding in ways I don't like
= I can't actually prove you're wrong, so there isn't a discussion here, because you're all completely wrong already, no matter what.

Needless to say, after years of reading wrestling discussions, everybody just loves this sort of tactic. Thus a rambling discussion about, of all things, water was born, with Water standing in for WWE, and with each poster trying his best to imitate yet another tired, irritating wrestling-related argument. For a general idea of the roles that some people were playing, feel free to read both The Indie Evangelist and The WWE Apologist. Or just consult your local wrestling message board, read it every day for a week, and come back to this section of Crashing the Boards in the twenty minutes or so that you have left before you take your own life.

_________________

Jeb: Is water awesome? What do you think? Wait, fuck you. Water is awesome. There really is no argument about that.
Angstboy: Fans of water are fucking idiots. Everyone knows water is simple compound and the most widely used of all solvents. I don't know why people insist on promoting the LOWEST FUCKING COMMON DENOMINATOR all the time! Stop it with water already, it's gay. There are tons of carbon-based compounds that kick water's ass! CO2! CO2! CO2! CO2! CO2! CO2!
Mooseheadjack: YEAH! Water is for ducks and cretins! DOWN WITH WATER!!! DOWN WITH WATER!!!
Jeb: I've just about had it with you ivory tower chemists and your "scientific" compounds and all your technical jargon. What you want from chemistry is NOTHING like what the average American wants. Think about when you were a kid. What was the best tasting thing you could have after a long hot afternoon running around on the playground? A cool drink of WATER from the drinking fountain. Not fucking SURGE or a TOM COLLINS or a giant Hefty bag of carbon dioxide. PURE, ORIGINAL WATER. I don't know about you, but I don't have to lie to myself and pretend that I have a "Doctorology Degree" in "Chemist" to know what I LIKE. And what I like is the same thing I liked as a kid. I'm just mature enough to realize that it's OK to chill out and admit that I enjoy something simple. Maybe YOU have some growing up to do. H20! H20! H20! H20! H20! H20! H20! H20! H20!
Mooseheadjack: Pffft, you and your water... your, "Ooh, look at me, I am going back to my roots and drinking water!" HA! When I was a kid, we didn't GET water. Thirsty after a long day of playing? Too bad! You want something to drink? Lay down and pray for some rain. And that wasn't even real water. We lived next to a nuclear power plant, so lord knows what was falling in our mouths, but whatever it was WE LIKED IT! So you take your water nostalgia and cram it. That may be good for you, but for us "real" people, acid fallout is the way to go.
Jeb: It sounds like you have a lot of built-up resentment, Moose, and I'm really sorry for you. But your experience doesn't take away from the value of water. My neighborhood was wired up for water when I was a kid. It came to us through different channels, but even without that, water always delivered on Saturday morning (after cartoons) and late Saturday night. So I grew up with it. I can understand how you might feel differently for not being exposed to it the same way most of us were. But for most of us, this "water thing" isn't nostalgia, it's been a big part of our lives and still is, to this day.
drmuerto: I used to love water back in the day, but now I feel that it isn't that good anymore. I've moved on, and now I'm drinking other things. Of course, this hasn't prevented me from posting on water-related message boards so that I can tell everyone why I think that water sucks nowadays. I don't tell anyone about it, but I still take small drinks of water from time time, usually at the Hooter's — where I'm sure none of my wine friends will be. That being said, at least water fans aren't as bad as those Soda Dads they're always talking about on the news.
Angstboy: Whatever, Jeb. I've been drinking water my whole life. I followed it when it was out on the fringes of the solar system, and I even supported it's decision to encase half the word in ice. But frankly water's run its course. It's washed up. It's become so ingrained into everyone's everyday lives that they can't imagine anything else being its equal. Well maybe it isn't about what's equal, maybe it's about what you enjoy personally. Seriously, open your EYES. Just because water covers 70% of the earth's surface, it doesn't mean that it's the ONLY thing out there. Methane and nitrogen have been kicking around forever but do they get any credit? Hell no. You know why? Because corporate america can't bottle them up and get Lisa Kudrow to shill the fuck out of them, that's why. Water may be abundant, but frankly, that doesn't make it "awesome." People may "need" it to "live" or "whatever," but that doesn't excuse it for being a mundane, tasteless compound, lacking in color and often times, lacking in anything substantially solid.
Jeb: Thanks for making my point for me. You said it right there: it's ingrained in everyone's daily lives. Seventy percent of our planet is totally into water. Do you think that's an accident? Do you think that so many people get into water because it sucks? No, water gets coverage on 70% of the earth because it's the MOST POPULAR. I will admit that it may not have all the technical flash that goes into a Coke, but there's a reason why so many people go for it. Because it gives them what they need; it's simple, it's simply the best at what it does. Coke might excel here and there, but it doesn't cover all the little things in the same way. You're trying to argue that water sucks because it's everywhere. Have you ever thought that it's everywhere because it's just the BEST?
Mooseheadjack: Look, my personal experiences aside, water is just a lowbrow drink, for the lowest of the low. Sure, there might be some exceptions, but they are not really the ones who water is targeted at. When I was in college, did anyone drink water? Nope. Again, maybe there were a few that did, but we had all moved past that. With education comes a disdain for "water." I consider myself an educated man; water is simply beneath me. I won't tell my friends I drink it, the shame would mark me forever
Jeb: Bullshit. Evian is water. Naya is water. Perrier and San Pellegrino are water. People pay top dollar for water, people of all races and stripes. That's because water has something for everyone, not just some elite snob group and not just for ducks and shit and people in Thailand and people who like houseboats that LIVE on it or in it. People in suits like water. Hell, MADONNA likes water. And my neighbor likes water. He gets it at his HOUSE. Just like MADONNA.
DevoniusMaximus: I personally think it's a chicken/egg issue. Are we dependent on water because we have always drunk it? Or do we drink it because we are dependent on it? If the water companies would just learn to cater more to the Gatorade fanbase, maybe we'd all learn to say, "Now that's some high quality H20."
Angstboy: Fucking DOGS and RATS and CENTIPEDES AND SHIT like water. I guess all you "waterites" are no better than parasites and vermin.
Jeb: There you go again with your technical snobbery and your water bashing. It's pretty clear that you're ashamed to be a fan of true water, and that I'm a much better fan of true water than you. And "waterites" isn't a word. LOL. And never end a senta nce with the word "vermin." You should of learned taht in english class. I see that in edition to not understanding water, you don't understand the english language either. Your rediculous.
Mooseheadjack: You know, just because it is popular does not make it right! So 70% of the people like water; hell the majority of the people enjoy spam and vienna sausages, does that make them good? No! Popularity does not equal quality! You need to stop looking at it like it's a popularity contest. Face it, water is the lowest form of entertainment. It appeals to a dim crowd. There will always be large groups of dim people, and they will clamor for water. Water caters to those people. Don't be sucked in by water's popularity.
Jeb: Yeah, next thing you're going to tell me that Hitler was popular and HITLER DRANK WATER. Nice try strawman red herring ad hominem godwin's law. You can't prove that the majority of the people also like spam and vienna sausages. In fact, did you know that 99.6% of the people in the world AREN'T from Vienna? Besides, everyone knows that 50% of the people who like water tried it first as adults, after developing their palates. That's a fact, and you can look it up. You're only saying this "popularity contest" stuff because you know all other drinks have lost the contest. I doubt you'd even be worried about it being a "popularity contest" if 50% of the globe drank your favorite drink, Ouzo.
Mooseheadjack: There is no accounting for the tastes of stupid people in large crowds
Jeb: There's no accounting for the taste of some individuals, either.
Borntorun: I used to love water. I mean, water and I were inseparable. I would drink 13-18 glasses a day and be happy about it, vomiting it up only to wash out the taste with some more H20. But then I noticed something: Water wasn't listening to me. As an intelligent consumer of liquids, I wasn't satisfied with water's adaptability. I mean, how many times can it evaporate, rain, then evaporate again before the whole cycle becomes boring and repetitive? Every day, week, month, I saw the same thing on my bill: water. I wanted an alternative, but it was just too hard to find. Even though it was dull and stale (well, as stale as a liquid can be), it was simply easier to find, digest, and pay for than anything else. But then I stumbled upon Coca-Cola. Coke had everything water didn't. Color. Corn syrup. Calories. Sure, some people complain that the carbonation was all just a show and didn't really add anything to the product, but anyone who has left a two-liter of Coke out of the fridge for a week knows that you need the bubbles to make it unique. It got to the point that I loved Coke so much that water just made me sick to my stomach, and if my beverage didn't have caffeine, then I wasn't drinking it. Water was out. Over time, though, I began to notice that the Coke was trying to be just like Water. It kind of made sense: Water is way more popular than the stuff from Atlanta. But the more qualities of Water Coke took on, the less fizz it had, the fewer bubbles floated toward the top. Eventually, the pizzazz of Coke faded away, and I started drinking less and less of it. But I had to drink something, so I decided to give water another chance. My first swig, though, was tainted. Could it be? Indeed, Water, seeing its market share cut into by Coke, had put some additives in its formula. And as bored as I was with water before, these additives didn't help. I wanted water. It wasn't supposed to taste like raspberries. So here I am, two beverages watered down (or, I suppose, Coked up) through each other. They worked well separate, but together they don't quench anything. Drinking both is not the same experience as it used to be, but I can take solace in one thing: I ain't paying no damn $3 for Red Bull.
THAT Guy Who's on Every Forum: Whatever dude. Your point is stupid because it was too long for me to read. Glad I'm not the sort of loser who has ALL DAY to write out like 12,000 words on this stuff. I'm a real fan of water. I have my own life. I'm busy man. Got a kickin' car, and my girlfriend is hot. I bet you don't even HAVE a carfriend. HOT. WHATEVER.
2HoT: As far as the water thing goes, I am Pro-Water. When my brother and I were kids, we had a creek running through our backyard. As you know, creeks contain water. Some of our greatest long summer days were spent frolicking in the back forty, me as Optimus Prime and he as Hefty Smurf. And when we were thirsty, the sport would cease and we would descend on the banks to quench our thirst and renew our resolve. And if we were really lucky, we'd find a patch with that creek foam standing on it, only to devour it like so much pop and ice cream. Good times...
Salmonjunkie: Whatever, workrate freaks. Coke is just flippy shit that geeks like, to sound like they're into some insider shit. Give me big, buff, chemically enhanced water any day in the week.
Jeb: See? That's why water's so awesome. Because you have the solid, traditional water, plus well-developed Propel Fitness Water. I'll leave the drinks that "just can't meet the standards" to other people.
Mooseheadjack: Damn Jeb, stop being such a water apologist. The fact is, water is consumed when there is simply nothing else available. That is a fact. If they were given a choice, even the lowbrow out there would choose otherwise; that is also a fact. You can keep trying to twist things around, but there is no denying that Hitler did in fact drink an abundance of water. Those are irrefutable facts. You can look them up on http://www.waterisTEHevil.com. I am confident you will find the truth within those pages.
Jeb: Then how do you account for the millions of us who grew up with water, tried the rest, then came back to the best? I went to one of your fancy "colleges," and I tried beer. I still like beer. I drink it pretty often. But after I have a beer, I have water. Then I have a lot of water when I wake up. Then all through the day. The point is that beer has something different to offer, but in the end, everyone who wants to have a good head on their shoulders comes back to water. There's a time for experimenting and trying new things. But the highest standard is always what we'll come back to. I'm not a water apologist. I don't apologize for it. You need to spend less time worrying what people see you drinking and more time saying, "No, I'm not sorry about what I drink." Let them see the label on your bottle of water. Let people see what's in that coffee mug or dark glass. It's okay to be part of the unwashed masses drinking water. Know why they're unwashed? 'Cause they're saving all of it to drink, that's why.
Borntorun: Personally, I was fine with water, until it started being being the "H³O show."
King of Harts: I found the brief attempts at some people trying to have a conversation about the original topic amidst an actual discussion about water quite amusing. Ultimately, water won. Just wow.
Jeb: Could you shut the fuck up, please? Some of us are trying to have a conversation about water here.
DevoniusMaximus: Y'all are just forgetting your water roots. A Dr. Robert Bouchet, H20logist at the university of Louisiana, recently published a study that found that 87% of all beverages have H20 as a base element of their makeup. The study found that: 92% of all beer contained water; 74% of all sodas have traces of H20; and shockingly 52% of all sports drinks, staunch opponents of water, have at some point or another contained the H20 compound. So before you go being a Beverage Nazi, remember that if it weren't for the early struggle of water for beverage equality, you'd never have your beloved Corona.
2HoT: Is it okay to be Pro-Water yet Anti-Steam?
DevoniusMaximus: Are you saying you're an Anti-Steamite?
2HoT: Water is the only beverage I will drink without some sort of nog in it.
Borntorun: NEW PIX OF WATER'S MOLECULES BACKSTAGE--NEUTRONS EXPOSED! NEW COKE TO RETURN? ARE BASIC CHEMICAL ELEMENTS JUMPING TO A NEW BEVERAGE? MEMBERS CLICK HERE!!! [CLICK HERE TO ENTER PWTORCH FREE AREA]
Canadian Bulldog:
Inside The Ropes: SPECIAL EDITION!!!

"Cause that's how I wash"
- The Christian's Cage, 2006.

Welcome, everyone, to another EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED and WATER-FILLED edition of Inside The Ropes. I'm water-lover Canadian Bulldog. We've got tons to get to this week, so let's splash to it!

Randy Orton! Orton! BAH GAWD, ORTON!!! is seriously considering changing his finisher from the RKO to the H20.

Speaking of losers, I wonder who's ALL WET as a result of losing his bet to Bulldog and Folby? Ha!

Jake "Snakeman" Robards has admitted this week that he is drinking again. Fortunately, it's just WATER!!!

This just in: Triple HHH will begin spitting bottles of Gatorade, just to piss off the Internet community!!!

Has Sexual Mark Chocolate switched to an entirely water-based diet? BATHE ON IT!!!

Recently, I had the opportunity to speak with The Old-School Watertaker Who Looks Exactly Like He Used To.

CB: Is this the Watertaker?

WT: No, it's actually just a bunch of water.

CB: Thanks for the compliment!!! Question number one: Why are you so old?

WT: Glub.

CB: This interview... IS OVER!!!

WT: Wash.... in... peaaaaace.

That about does it for this week. Remember, if you rinsed it here first, it's.... Inside The Ropes.

- FIN -

This Random Time Period's Stats:
My New/Recurring Heroes: Punkerhardcore, Gobshite, bo_knows. I'm forgetting someone. I know it.
Most Encouraging News: My new employers prefer to hold frequent company meetings at a bar that serves good sandwiches and also has a covered outdoor smoking area. It also has Wi-Fi. I'd stop to be annoyed by the fact that I see the same four "please look at my very expensive and important laptop" hipster vultures every time I go there if it weren't for the fact that: (a) I can't stop laughing at them, every time I go there; (b) they're the sort of sallow-faced hunch-shouldered sad-sacks that won't do anything if I make eye contact while laughing at them.
Winners of the "LazyTaker" Award for the Poster Who Writes the Same Smark Talking Points Every Time: Stormtrooper, Kemmel.
Posters MIA and Sorely Missed: Kyle Maxwell. Fuck you people: I like and miss Kyle.
The Internet Plagiarist Emeritus: Spinningtoehold.
Sad TV Development: Development, Arrested.
Sadder TV Development: Whenever someone says that The Shield rocks because of its "gritty realism."
Even Sadder, TV Division: Fucking Lost, 24, and Desperate Housewives. Seriously, everyone responsible: go fuck yourselves.
The "Please Post More Dolphin Pics BTW What Does 'Intimate' Mean?" and Plagiarism Detective Award Winner Emeritus: Borntorun.
The "Islamofascism" and "Weapons of Mass Destruction-Related Program Activities in the Global War on Extremism" Award for Distinguished Service in Sincerely Replicating Administration Talking Points: Krydor.
Great Guy in Every Other Respect Award: Krydor.
Distinguished Service in Taking the Bait Award: Benoitbrokemyneck.
Best Handle That Pays Homage to a Tit-Heavy B-Rated Horror Film: GatorBait.
Best College Football-Oriented Handle That Takes That Bait: GoVols.
Something to Consider Next Time You Wonder Why CtB Doesn't Come Out More Often: Writing your own goddamned column. That's what the "Email Jeb" link is for! Use it! Send one in!
Things That Are Unfairly Tasty: Expensive, awesome French sour gherkins. Fucking $8 a tiny, tiny jar. Also, Orangina... tragically unavailable in Tampa, Fl.
A Final Plea: Stop hating the troops AND America, pinkos!

With money in hand, let's go shopping!