by Mark Coale
Odessa Steps Magazine/Dr. Alquimia Magazine/OnlineOnslaught.com

March usually means three things to us bastions of popular culture knowledge: March Madness, the Oscars and Wrestlemania. In the coming weeks, look for my annual melding of wrestling and the NCAA basketball tournament (which probably generated the most amount of mail I’ve ever gotten, for what it’s worth). This time around, let’s have a little fun with our favorite sport and our favorite movie awards. Note: These are all real film titles, most of which have actually been nominated for Oscars.

Best Picture:

A Beautiful Mind: A look at the schizophrenic life of Vince McMahon. The movie shows how Linda stood by him during the steroid trial, the downturns in business and his affair with Trish Stratus.

Lord of the Rings: From a bygone era, watch as a motley crew of wrestlers, led by Dusty Rhodes, Barry Windham and Blackjack Mulligan try and destroy the diamond-encrusted band named “Lord of the Ring,” before it falls into the clutches of the Dark Lord Kevin Sullivan.

In the Bedroom: A tell-all bio-pic, based on the recent book by Missy Hyatt.

Monster’s Ball: A shocking behind-the-scenes look at Scott Hall’s private life.

Memento: In the spirit of “$20,” follow the travels of a ring bell, as it travels from town to town and person to person.

The Man Who Wasn’t There: Dean Malenko stars as a man who, despite having all the talent needed to succeed, is ignored by those around him in position of power

Fifty Percent Grey: A satirical look (a la Best in Show) at the make-up artists and costumers of professional wrestling. Learn just how many aging superstars must resort to hair dye to try and look young and hip “for life.”

Best Documentary:

Artificial Intelligence: A look inside the collapse of WCW.

Speed for Thespians: A provocative history of the Dr. Zahorian trial, written and narrated by Dave Meltzer

War Photographer: A biography of Bill Apter, full of tales from ringside.

Ghost World: A study of the non-pushed junior heavyweights in the WWF.

Strange Invaders: A group of smart fans do a guerilla movie, Michael Moore-style, about how the WWF botched the WCW-ECW angle.

Pearl Harbor: The picture examines the cultural reasons why wrestlers from Japan can never seem to get over in the United States.

Training Day: In the spirit of Tough Enough, follow the path of a rookie wrestler to his first match.

Honorable Mention (films not nominated but still worth seeing):

Up in Smoke: A buddy comedy starring Eddy Guerrero and Brian Christopher as two fun-loving guys out for a few laughs on the town.

The Shipping News: A documentary inside the world of dirt sheet writers and how they cope with doing a print publication in an Internet Age.

The Deep End: An imported documentary from Japan examine Antonio Inoki’s obsession with MMA and how it cost him Keiji Mutoh and Satoshi Kojima.

Sexy Beast: Comedy insues when two out-of-work actresses (Torrie Wilson and Stacy Kiebler) go to work at a Vegas strip club.

Heist: A gang of too-hip thugs (Kevin Nash, Scott Hall, Hulk Hogan, Randy Savage, Stevie Ray, Scott Norton, Scott Steiner, Marcus Bagwell, Vincent, Brian Adams and Disco Inferno) try to bamboozle a money mark.

Novocaine: A hit at Sundance, this documentary shows, in real time, the horrors of watching a Vince Russo-era episode of Nitro.

E-MAIL MARK 
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Mark Coale has the same kind of acidic foreboding in his stomach about this that he used to get when taking comp exams in grad school. I hope the results turn out better this time.

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