"I spit in the face of people who keep me babyface" 
         - Charlita Caribbean Cruel, 2007.
 

(A) WHAT?
(B) WHAT?
(C) WHAT?
(D) WHAT?
(E) Yes.

Be sure to register your vote at the official ITR website (Official motto: "Still not updated, but at least I've put a new slideshow on the main page"). And here's how you ridiculously stupid marks voted last time:

Who's gonna get their head shaved on April 1st?

(A) Bobby Lashleroux - 6 %
(B) Stoned Cold Steve Austen - 26 %
(C) Some Guy In The Army - 20 %
(D) Me (having surgery) - 24 %
(E) Yes. - 20 %

Oh, and just as an aside... I received several emails from people legitimately concerned that I was REALLY having surgery. Just to clear the air on this -- I can't have surgery until they find an acceptable organ. And now, onto the news...

WHOA-OH-OH, WHOA-OH-OH, WRESTELMANIA, FIGHTIN' TO SURVIVE (Just like that, just like that): Because I've been following the industry we call Stupid Fake Wrestling for more than 20 years now, and I somehow thought of this week's WrestelMania XXX3, "The Grandfather Of Them All". 

That said, here's my, blow-by-blow, second-by-second, hour-by-hour, day-by-day blog of my WMXXX3 thoughts. Enjoy!!!
 

	6:55pm Sitting in a comfortable chair stocked with beer, popcorn, chocolate, chips, pop and some junk food, with the latest copies of WWE Magazine and Wrestling Eye out for fact-checking purposes; I'm ready for the big event to begin.
	7:00pm Unfortunately, today is March 31st, and it dons on me that WrestleMania XXX3 is not scheduled to air until tomorrow.
	7:00pm (April 1) This is more like it. The lovely and talented Sheldon Benjamin's Mama kicks things off, belting out a stirring rendition of the national anthem "America: Fuck Yeah!" to an appreciative crowd of more than 800,000 fans in Ford Fairlane Theater.
	7:22pm Kevin Kennedy (KEN-NE-DY!) becomes Mr. BANK ON IT!!! after defeating L'il Bastard to capture the prestigious honor. Now, he can challenge for any title he wants, even in NWA T&A (National Wrestling Alliance Tits & Ass), as many times as he wants, for 12 whole months.
	7:49pm The Great Collie "puts over" The Big Stupid Red Machine Kain in an exciting, give-and-take spotfest. Let's hope we can see more from these young and sexy entertainers.
	7:55pm Crime Team gets involved in a vignette with Mean Eugene, Dustey Roads, Marvelous Moolah, The Dr. Of Style Silk, Ricky The Steamboat and Other Old-Timers.  There's no joke to be made here; just thought I'd mention it.
	8:23pm Montel Vivantious Porterhouse (V.I.P.) fails to live up to his childhood dream of making Chris Benwah job on the "grandest stage of 'em all." V.I.P. will probably get fired for his incompetence.
	8:31pm Canadian Bulldog is getting a snack (oops, sorry; that was supposed to be my entry on Facebook).
	8:45pm Fellow billionaire Gerald Trump is sitting on his couch, and he's clearly a-scared of Boogie Man.  Maybe you should have chosen HIM as your representative then!!!
	8:46pm Howard Funkel announces this year's HOF nominees: Nick Bockelwinkel, Dustey Roads, Good Ol' JR Ewing, Jerry "The King" Lawyer, Some Woman, The Old Man Who Always Wrote In Inside Wrestling That "Z-Man Would Never Beat My Boy Curt If He Went To The WWF", and the grandparents of Master Fuji and The Wild Samoan Submission Machines.
	9:21pm The Classic Old-School Ordertaker Who Looks Exactly Like He Used To overcomes the odds and SHOCKS THE WORLD by not jobbing to Deacon Bautista.  Let's just hope he's still alive 20 years from now, so that we can see him doing the EXACT SAME FUCKING THING!!!
	9:22pm Vince MacMahon's granddaughter can apparently already operate a camcorder.
	9:24pm Not sure how this match lasted negative two minutes, but still... New Old ECW defeats New New ECW, showing us all what extreme is all about: short, pointless matches without the use of any weapons whatsoever.
	9:26pm In a surprise "All Grown Up Now" bonus match, Little Cena and Little McMichaels defeat Little Bautista and Little Ordertaker. Post-match, Little HKB delivers a tiny superkick to Little Cena.
	9:35pm Wow - the Barber Chair gets its own theme song, pyro and Titantron video!!!
	9:52pm Gerald Trump can no longer tell which wrestler is his and which is Vince MacMahon's.  And yet he starts a "This is awesome! Clap clap clap clap clap!" chant from ringside. Go figure.
	10:01pm Vince MacMahon, the owner of this very company (well, WWE; but also the company I work at now, Kozinaka Uranium Concern), gets his head shaved! Bald! And now he's SO MUCH FUNNIER! Because he has no hair! And everyone knows that, if you don't have hair, you're horribly ugly! And HILARIOUS! Except for me, because I have thinning hair, and don't really appreciate the jokes! But still, it was the best haircut ever!
	10:01:30 EVER!!!
	10:04pm Melita vs. Asleigh begins!!!
	10:04:06 I finish jerking off, and the match is already over?? As Rob Simmons himself might say: "DARN!"
	10:07pm Is it just me, or did they switch the Jon Cena vs. Sean McMichaels video package music with the song from the movie trailer of "Bridges Of Madison County" or something? I can hear the voiceovers in my mind: It started after The Royal Rumble... JR: These two men are on a collision course, bah gawd! An match of epic proportions... Cena: If you want some... ... is about to explode on the big screen. Cena: Come... Get... Some! Two men... McMichaels: No fucking way I'm jobbing to him. One goal... Cena: You can't see me! And a love so strong, no one can contain it... McMichaels: You had me at hello. This summer... MacMahon: You're FIIIIIIIIIRED!!! A struggle so epic, they could only call it... JR: WILL SOMEONE PLEASE STOP THE DAMN MATCH? Title Match Summer 2007. This film has not yet been rated.
	10:12pm Jon Cena wins a race on the mean streets of Detroit, with his Too Fast, Too Furious, car beating out Steve Austen's Pick-Up Truck, Rod Van-Damme's Drug-Smoking Honda Civic, The Ordertaker's Hearse, Hollywood Hal Kogan's Cadillac, Rod Roddy Piper's Bagpipe Car and The Junk Yard Doug Junkmobile.
	10:42pm HKB taps out!!! Everyone (except for wrestling fans) goes home happy.

 
Wow -- how about that? EXACTLY 23 journal entries! That's as many entries as there have been WrestelManias, up until 10 years ago (it's WrestelMania XXX3, REMEMBER?!?). That has to be the biggest coincidence ever!

EVER!!!

That's such an incredible coincidence (the odds of that happening again are currently 108,786,932 to 1, according to a study I just made up now), that I'm going to quit while I'm ahead. Also, because they're just about to wheel me into surgery. Remember, if you heard it first, it's... Inside The Ropes.