by Erin Anderson
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

Every December, the United States Postal Service receives thousands of letters addressed to the North Pole: children's Christmas lists for Santa Claus. But what most people don't know is that a surprisingly large number of adults send in their wish lists as well. Why this occurs remains a mystery. Is it delusion? Parents trying to convince their children that yes, Santa is real by mailing off their lists? Desperation? We may never know, but the fact remains that it happens.

In any case, I've rounded up several of these letters that may be of interest to you. Being an OO columnist, I've got connections, baby! I called one of my many contacts in Stamford, Connecticut, and asked him to do a little reconnaissance mission. Namely, committing a federal offense by stealing some of WWE's outgoing mail. And while it may not be entirely "legal," I think that my findings are certainly interesting and potentially entertaining. I'm sure the judge will understand.

And so, I present to you, the Readers of OO, with the Christmas lists of various WWE superstars.

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Dear Santa,

Hi, how are you? I just wanted to let you know that I've been extra good this year before I asked for anything. So here's my list:

- A Vidal Sassoon 1800-watt hair dryer (the one with that ions option… my split ends are killing me).

- A full-length mirror to hang on my closet door.

- An at-home manicure kit. Do you know how hard it is to find good nail care out on the road?

- A tanning bed.

- A pony.

- Some of those G.I. Joe action figures with the kung-fu grip.

- A hot babe. Two, if you got 'em.

Thanks, Santa! You're the best.

Sincerely,
Randy Orton

[author's note: Randy's poor spelling and punctuation made this letter particularly difficult to read, so I cleaned it up as best I could.]

***

Dear Santa,

I only want one thing this year: I want for the people to actually care about me. Can you do that, Santa? Can you make them care?

Yours truly,
Rico

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Dear Santa,

Look, I've been writing you for awhile now, and you still haven't come through. What's it take, huh? I've been asking for a major title reign for a goddamn decade, and all I got was ONE FUCKING DAY? Sorry there, Santa, but that's not a goddamn title reign.

I'm giving you one more chance to get it right, Kringle. Quit half-assing it and get on the ball already. If you don't, I'll come up to the North Pole myself and cripple your ass.

Fuck you,
Chris Benoit

***

Dude,

All I want this year is, like, a huge bag of Doritos. And some Funyuns. Lots of Funyuns. Oh yeah, and a Lazy Susan so I can have Doritos AND Funyuns at the flick of a wrist, without having to move too much. That would be sweet.

Rob Van Dam

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Yo, St. Nick!

I want sequins. A whole mess o' 'em, too.

Ernest "The Cat" Miller

***

Dear Santa,

As you may know, I got married earlier this year. It was without a doubt the happiest day of my life. With that in mind, I'd like for my wife to get permanent laryngitis this Christmas. If it can't be permanent, even a couple of weeks would be fine. Or if that's not possible, maybe a muzzle. Or even some duct tape. I just really need a break is all. Please.

While you're at it, I'd also like a Bowflex and a year's supply of protein shakes. Gotta maintain the muscle mass.

Thanks,
Triple H

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Santa,

I know you probably get a lot of weird requests, but I was really hoping you could come through for me this Christmas. This year, all I want is the ability to punch. I promise I won't ask for anything else, ever. EVER. I just want this one thing, and I'll be happy.

Regards,
Lita

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Dear Santa,

I know that a lot of people in the company where I work get shafted in the storyline department, but have you been watching Smackdown! at all this past year? Have you seen the crap they've been making me do? This Christmas, I just want one good angle to work with. One good angle. Is that too much to ask?

Sincerely,
Torrie Wilson

***

Dear Santa,

I don't want anything for myself this year, but I would like something for the TV show that I work on. I think that RAW needs more me.

Kane

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Dear Santa,

If it's not too much trouble, this year I'd really like a punching bag with Vince McMahon's head superimposed on it.

Yours,
Roddy Piper

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Dear Santa,

The breast implants I got a few years ago are great, but they have a nasty habit of not staying inside of my outfits. I don't want to seem ungrateful or anything, but I could really use some double-sided tape to go with them.

Sincerely,
Miss Jackie Gayda

***

Santa,

Have you seen those infomercials for RASCAL? You know, those cool-looking motorized wheelchairs? Well, I'd really like one of those babies for Christmas. I could get down to the ring for run-ins a hell of a lot faster, and I could use it at home to go from the living room to the kitchen, too.

Thanks,
Kevin Nash

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E-MAIL ERIN
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Erin Anderson is an Atlanta native and a student at Georgia State University. Since writing about wrestling didn't go over too well with her English professors, she vents here at Online Onslaught.

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