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Author: Subject: #TCB Raw Report
#tcb
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posted on 5-14-2002 at 06:29 AM Edit Post
#TCB Raw Report

For the first time on Online Onslaught's message board, I will give one of my infamous RSPW reports that people loved and enjoyed.

Live from Toronto, Ontario . . .

Match #1: Brockberg vs. The Hardy Girlz: Wow a handcap match to open up Raw. I am so impressed. A small Goldberg chant breaks out again, starting the trend of the Brockberg legend. Brock sells way too much for the Girlz, thus proving that Brock must be on punishment detail himself after his little "wrestling bout" with the now unemployed Mr. Perfect. Brock proves he has a lot of power, but two weeks ago he was squashing these two punks. Lesson #1 Brock, never try to be buddies with Curt Hennig. The end comes when the Girlz are about to "Twist of Fate" and "Swanton Bomb" Brock into a pin, when Paul E pulls the ref out of the ring and getting the DQ. Brock then tries to "no sell" and seek revenge, but the Girlz beat up Brock some more before retreating. Paul E then throws a fit and challenges the Hardy Girlz to a tag team match between Brock and himself at the PPV. Wow! Another match on a PPV that nobody cares about. 0 for 1.

Backstage Segement #1: X-Lax and The Giant are backstage pondering why Scott Hall was fired. Flair explains that Hall "dropped the ball" too many times. Then he announces that he will announce a new nWo member and it will shock the world because not even "he" knows he will be picked. I smell Undertaker . . . 1 for 2, but only because they had Flair give a good "storyline" explanation on Hall's farewell.

In-ring Interview #1: Ric Flair comes to the ring and gets booed by the Canucks. Flair explains that he tried to be buddies with Austin, but Austin gave him no choice. He then books himself for the Undisputed Championship against Hulk Hogan. Fans pop. I smell Austin costing Flair title. 2 for 3, just because Flair as a heel is funny for camp value.

Backstage Segement #2: Eddie and the man catches Sycho Shawn talking to himself and calls him crazy. Shawn takes offense, but instead of calling Eddie "Speedy Gonzales", he just challenges Eddie to a non-title match. I like Sycho Shawn. 3 for 4.

Match #2: Eddie and the Man vs. Sycho Shawn -- El squasho. El Pothead comes down to ringside before match, waits until squash has finished and beats up Eddie. Eddie takes offense and screams on the mic about proving he is the real "master of the Frog Splash" or something as RVD tells the world he is "R-V-D". I like RVD, so 4 for 5.

Backstage Interview #1: The Roach looks for an interview with "Cry Baby" Steve Austin. Instead we get Debra on TV again, telling us "Steve wants to talk". Time for a break. 4 for 6.

Backstage Interview #1 (part 2): Austin talks and the crowd shouts "what" a million times. Austin calls Flair a jacka-- and vows revenge or something. It was a typical Austin interview now-a-days, but I liked it. 5 for 7.

Wierd Segment #1: A Day in the life of Tommy Dreamer -- Tommy brushes his teeth after brushing his bulldog's (not British) teeth with the same toothbrush, shaves his tounge with Edge (the pro-gel, not the wrestler), and drinks water from a urinal. Yeah it is all Hulk Hogan's fault that ratings are in the toilet . . . 5 for 8.

Match #3: Sweet Molly Purebread vs. Skeletwhore -- We flashback to last week that set-up this match, and we also get the honor of "Evil Lord" William Regal to be guest ring announcer. Not much I can say about this match, but when you actually try to have Terri What-ever-her-name-is-this-week dominate Molly until Molly wins with the fluke roll-up, you really have sunk low on the food chain. "Evil Lord" Regal asks Sweet Molly to be his "escort" because she is "sweet and pure". Molly accepts. I love Molly, and at least skin-flint jobbed so . . . 6 for 9.

Match #4: WWE Undisputed Title Match: Hulk Hogan (champion) vs. Ric Flair (challenger) -- This is match #9693 for these two, but lets face it. I don't care what year it is, these two guys can really put on a match together. This match was much better than those two matches from Feb and March 2000 thats for sure. Canada is still pro-Hogan and it warms my heart to learn they still love him and the North still loves Hogan too. It is just "us" southerners considered Hogan a interloper when he came down to WCW and we'll never accept him at any age. The only part of the match I hated was that Hogan is 48, Flair is 54, and that youngster Austin has to help Hogan win the damn match. Okay, Austin had to do it because he is feuding with Flair -- so I guess I shouldn't be bitter. Hogan almost won clean, but the nWo came in to fight, but then Bradshaw came to the rescue and then of course Austin comes in and stuns Flair. Hogan then drops the LEG DROP and the "god' of wrestling retains. 7 for 10.

Backstage Segment #3: Ric Flair throws fit and announces that Giant and X-Lax will fight Justin "Hawk" Bradshaw for interfering in his match and announces a lumberjack match for Austin and his new nWo member. I like crazy old Flair interviews. 8 for 11.

Match #5: Special Tag Match: The Manbeast Jazz/Steven Richards vs. Bubba Rhodes/Trish -- This is a man vs. man/women vs. women match where both titles are on the line, but only one will lose. The Manbeast, of course, has a torn ACL, so I smell her jobbing to Trish tonight. After a fair match, Trish gets the win during the usual Hardcore debacle crap and then screams "D-VON, get the tables" to Bubba. Bubba gets the table and poor Jazz and stop worrying about her ACL because Bubba just broke her neck. 9 for 12, just to have Jazz off my TV.

Backstage Interview #2: The Roach interviews Mope-Head in maybe his best interview of all time. 10 for 13.

Backstage Segment #4: Goldust announces he is one of the Flair Lumberjacks and starts singing "I'm a Lumberjack" when we cut to "Booker Thief" dressed in a Lumberjack costume and I'm LOL on the floor! Booker Theif and Goldust kind of bond together until Booker learns he really didn't need to dress like a lumberjack. I heard a rumor that Matt Borne (if he is still alive) will come to the WWE as Big Josh to feud with the LumberSucka. 11 for 14.

Match #6: The Giant/X-Lax vs. Justin "Hawk" Bradshaw: The fans pop for Bradshaw until they remember he his Texan and the crowd dies a slow death. It wasn't a bad match, but I never liked handicap matches! Giant uses a chair on Bradshaw, gives him two RAHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAA -- THE CHOKESLAM and then has X-Lax get the pin. 11 for 15.

Backstage Segment #5: Hulk Hogan is about to leave on his bike, but decides to help Steve Austin instead when the Undertaker bashes him with a crowbar. Hogan acts like he had a stroke and Undertaker pounds on him. He then ropes Hogan to his bike and DRIVES HIM AROUND THE ARENA. I don't think they used a stunt double either, but I doubt Hogan would have sold that BIKE RIDE! That was so surreal that it is 12 for 16, but keep in mind that Hogan sells one crowbar shot and his dying from heart failure as we head to our Main Event.

Main Event: LumberJerk Match: "Cry Baby" Steve Austin vs. BOOKER T -- Oh boy! This is Flair's goons vs. Austin and Austin basically beats them all up and then to spare Booker T having to be stunned again, he rolls-up the Theif. Austin escapes the ring, and BEHOLD CRIPPLE A slams his fist into Austin's backside and Austin finally stopped and Flair and Giant beat Austin up. END SHOW. Let me get this straight . . . the old legend Hulk Hogan that no sold everything gets killed with a crowbar shot, but Steve Austin wipes out 100 men and has a old cripple knock him out. DAMN. 12 for 17.

Overall: You'd think 12 out of 17 would be a good show, but most of the points were for the camp value of some scenes and beacuse my favorite wrestlers (Molly, Hogan, Booker Theif) were in some funny interviews, or great matches. The reality is that the booking is really, really bad right now and that my camp value of the show does not make it a good show. In other words, mate -- WHO IS BOOKING THIS TRIPE!?!?!?!?!? I mean Molly beats Terri with a roll-up? Austin needs to save Hogan? Brock gets punked? IT IS CRAP! With this crap, one has to pray that Jerry Jarrett or somebody can compete with Vince again because this crap SUCKS!

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Ryan O Reily
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posted on 5-14-2002 at 10:26 AM Edit Post
I'll give your RAW report all the attention it deserves. Yawn, Yawn, Snore.

I have to safely assume you were on Online Onslaught the whole time RAW was going on, based on your match by match, move by move analyses. You even found room to discuss the Tommy Dreamer urinal disaster.


sad indeed

Let the professionals do the RAW Reports from here on out, they're in the business your not, and judging by your name calling and half-assed third grade level besmirching you probably never will be.






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#tcb
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posted on 5-14-2002 at 06:13 PM Edit Post
Ryan:

Your point is?

I am doing a CRZ type report. I have special names for each wrestler. Latino Heat is a Freddie Prinze Sr. ripoff. RVD is a pothead, so calling him either El Pothead or The Whole Friggin Show works for him. Hulk Hogan is the "god" of wrestling. Steve Austin is a "Cry Baby" because he refuses to JOB to Hogan. Undertaker is a Lazy bike rider -- so I call him MopeHead. What is the problem?

Maybe you're just upset that I am not one of the brainwashed.

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Tribal Prophet
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posted on 5-14-2002 at 06:41 PM Edit Post
No offense...

No offense, guy. Because you do make a few good points and I like your choice of favorites to watch, but I think that there's more to CRZ's writing talent then name-calling.


Tribal Prophet

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Denethor
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posted on 5-14-2002 at 06:55 PM Edit Post
at some point, you have to call it gimmick theft.
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bigfatgoalie
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posted on 5-14-2002 at 07:45 PM Edit Post
The point of this being???

seriously, if you want to comment, comment...if we want a recap we can read Keith or CRZ...

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#tcb
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posted on 5-15-2002 at 12:37 AM Edit Post
My opinion is important

I know some just think my review was just a High School prank, but I am a master of comedy. The late Jay Hickman and the great John Fox are some of my idols. I also think that we need different reviews from different people. I mean, how many people can look at CRZ or Scot Keith's report and go -- I FEEL LIKE THAT. Well I can't, so it is up to me to tell the people who are afraid to open up to this community their real feelings.
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#tcb
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posted on 5-15-2002 at 12:42 AM Edit Post
quote:
Originally posted by Tribal Prophet
No offense, guy. Because you do make a few good points and I like your choice of favorites to watch, but I think that there's more to CRZ's writing talent then name-calling.


I'm trying to do more than name calling. I think Molly should be called Sweet Molly Purebread because it is her gimmick to be what is is not. It is a play on words to call her that.

Calling Terri the name I called her is because she looks like she hasn't eaten for a week. How Dustin Rhodes could still hold a torch for that skank is beyond me., although she has divorced the lug and married some man with money. Then goes out and parties like she is a teenager. Doesn't she have any values?

I call Eddie G, Eddie and the Man -- in honor of the late Freddie Prinze Sr.

Most of my names are to make fun of, but to honor the gimmicks these people have. I mean when Wrestlecrap does it, you guys cheer -- but when I go against somebody you like -- you kind of hate me. However, if I was a Hogan hater and called him OLD ORANGE and talked about how the old cripple needs a motorcycle to get his cripple twat to ringside -- you guys cheer me and give me a cigar.

Well, I don't think Hogan is old. He is younger than my dad by a few years and he can still entertain my family better than any other "boring" wrestler out there.

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Ryan O Reily
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posted on 5-15-2002 at 06:57 AM Edit Post
quote:
Originally posted by #tcb
I know some just think my review was just a High School prank, but I am a master of comedy. The late Jay Hickman and the great John Fox are some of my idols. I also think that we need different reviews from different people. I mean, how many people can look at CRZ or Scot Keith's report and go -- I FEEL LIKE THAT. Well I can't, so it is up to me to tell the people who are afraid to open up to this community their real feelings.


Bravo, you've earned first swing at the sandbox and you get to use the plastic yellow shovel and the tonka dump truck






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Eli
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posted on 5-15-2002 at 08:20 PM Edit Post
I am just looking for a writer who is looking to get a legitamate point across rather than trying to make themselves and their writing be the point of the article. Writing is 90 percent substance with 10 percent style. Unfortunatly, in the Intenet wrestling community, that equation seems to be the other way around. Shame.
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gregtdj
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posted on 5-16-2002 at 01:51 AM Edit Post
#tcb, looks like the majority of this has been a bit rough on the backside. It's not that we don't appreciate the input, and as somebody who has noted their own posts falling on the long side lately, I can't say there is anything wrong with sharing all of your opinions, no matter the length. I think it comes down to the fact that there are more wrestling sites, writers and recappers than you can count, so one more in the message boards isn't going to gain much if any respect, no matter how well written or witty said recap may or may not be.

Might I suggest simply jotting down your thoughts about each match and segment and posting the summation? I wouldn't mind reading and commenting on a match by match commentary as opposed to another full on recap. In fact, since I watch, the only recap I catch is the Squared Circle Jerk because it's just random reactions as the matches progress.





What you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.

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Ryan O Reily
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posted on 5-16-2002 at 01:55 AM Edit Post
to sum it all up, don't let it happen again






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