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Author: Subject: Billy Gunn Countdown?
borntorun
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posted on 1-17-2004 at 04:49 PM Edit Post
There Were 9 Days Left as of Friday!

Sorry about the delay, but I've been busy trying to grow a Billy-esque style mustache. Trust me: it's harder than it looks, just another reason why Billy Gunn is the only one who can get...it...done!

It just occured to me that I don't have a 2004 calendar. It's a hard decision: which half-priced one should I buy? Well, if Billy and Chuck were still together, that wouldn't be a question.



2002 was great, in part, because you could spend 12 months writing your appointments, setting dates, remembering birthdays, or just waste hours away looking at this Billy and Chuck calender. Because of the limited release, I wasn't able to obtain one. In honor of Boerboel and his desire for more sweaty men in erotic poses, here are some of the best shots:



If the photographer was on the reverse side, this would be a very fit set of asses!



Crushing 3 walnuts at a time!



I hope this was the August picture! It has 31 days AND my birthday!



HoTTT!!!!111!!!

If only I had a 366 Pose-a-Day calendar for 2004. I guess I'll make due with a live-action, 360-degree shot of Billy at the Royal Rumble...just over a week away!

Look for another Billy Gunn highlight in, oh, I don't know...20 minutes!





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borntorun
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posted on 1-17-2004 at 05:33 PM Edit Post
8 Days!

The more of these I write, the more I realize that I should have started a year ago---that 365 (depending on leap year) calendar looks like a possible upcoming project for me.

Kidding, kidding. I'm not good enough for Billy.

While we're on the subject, though, Billy and Chuck were some of the most fashionable wrestlers in history. We already know Billy is a trendsetter: the spandex with the hearts and lips are still worn by Catholic Priests to this day. Plus, he uses body glitter. That's so cool!

Anyway, Billy and Chuck, well...looked damn fine together. It started off quite modestly but, after adapting their look, they created a symphony of style.



Billy: Now that we have matching red tights and gone back to our natural bleached hair color, you know what we need?
Chuck: What?
Billy: Bandannas! These are awesome!
Chuck: Billy, you are so smart. Do they have our names on them?



Yep.



Billy: You know what else we need?
Chuck: What?
Billy: Matching robes! Not only do they look good, but they keep my bellybutton ring from getting too cold.
Chuck: I'm down with that!



How about those matching tag-team title belts? Those certainly look good around their waist. Mmhmm, that's right.



They also looked damn fine in their tuxedos, complete with personalized cumberbuns. But that's a story for a different day.

I'll be back soon, just like Billy Gunn! Except I'll be back tomorrow. He'll be back a week after that. But we'll both be back relatively quickly!

[Edited on 1-17-2004 by borntorun]





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borntorun
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posted on 1-19-2004 at 05:41 AM Edit Post
7? 7 Days? Que Bueno!

In only one week, just one week, Billy Gunn is back. Think of all the things that could happen this week: you could win the lotto, get a promotion, get married, have a child, break your hymen...and if you put all of those together, they would not equal the sheer joy or worldwide importance of the return of The One.

Yes, he's that unbelievably awesome. Haven't you been paying attention?

Moving on to today's highlight: we'll leave Billy and Chuck for a while, and move onto something else.

I know you've all acknowledged Billy's unparralleled moveset, his trend-setting fashion sense, and his ability to win a championship whenever he damn well pleases. But I don't think you can really, truly understand his overall greatness unless you appreciate the overall package. Although Billy is a book that can be judged "fantastic" by simply looking at the cover, the pages within are a masterpiece.

Let's compare him to one of his greatest peers and greatest rivals, The Rock.


Section 1: Intensity. Everyone acknowledges that The Rock is an intense guy: he's always into his matches, he's got great facial expressions, and he consistently gives it his all. Rocky is great, no doubt. But as you can see from the picture below, it's Billy Gunn who is more passionate about the situation.



Advantage: Billy.

Section 2: Crowd Support. Fine. The Rock sells more T-shirts, is an international superstar, and appears in movies. Big deal. He doesn't reaaaaalllly love the people. He rarely interacts with them unless, of course, he has to. Billy Gunn, on the other hand, will do anything for the live or television crowd. If the fans want Rocky, he'll deliver Rocky, plus give them a look at the Abman's amazing stomach. What a generous guy!



Advantage: Bill

Section 3: Staring Contests. The staredown is one of wrestling's most important traditions. Like two wild animals trying to intimidate the other one for dominance, wrestlers will lock eyes for minutes at a time to see who blinks first. The one who loses his gaze will usually lose. Even if he wins, the one with the longest stare is a better human being.

Billy Gunn is using the technique of making funny faces to make Rocky lose his concentration. Now, the untrained eye can't tell whether or not The Rock is maintaining focus, but to an expert such as myself it's obvious that Rocky is actually IN TEARS because Billy is that much better than him at staring contests.



Advantage by a landslide: Bill.

Section 4: Wrestling Ability. No question on this one. The Rock doesn't know a wristlock from a wristwatch, while this picture shows that Billy is so good as a wristlock that Rocky is just seconds away from taping: tick tock, tick tock, tick tock. The Rock needs a stopwatch to gauge how fast he's going to tap.

Plus, we all know how lame the People's Elbow is anyway, especially compared to anything Billy does. Come on, just look at the precision!



Advantage: Yes, once again, Billy Gunn.

Section 5: The Look. It's no secret that often, a wrestler's appearance can make or break him.

We'll look at Rock first. Why do the girls swoon over him? He's disproportionate, his body is made of all sorts of different colors, and his hair is speckled with flakes of some unnatural shade. He's kind of got the look, but he's not complete.




The One, on the otherhand, has got it all, just like the theme song says. The flowing blonde locks recall images of wrestling greats Hulk Hogan and Ric Flair. His physique is surpassed by few, and that's only because he doesn't want to decrease his above-average quickness. There's no need to even bring up his ass--that's been covered in depth, and just happens to be the subject of my upcoming dissertation The Ass and Its Role in Contemporary Entertainment: A Case Study in the Derriere of William Gunn. There's no need to give you pics of that posterior. For the complete wrestling look, I refer you to this picture that sums it up:




Nothing, not even the Rock, comes between Billy and his Calvins. And nothing will come between me and the Royal Rumble next Sunday, when Mr. Ass comes back in all his glory.

Look for another highlight tomorrow evening!





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posted on 1-19-2004 at 10:33 AM Edit Post
God I love this thread!





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posted on 1-19-2004 at 03:43 PM Edit Post
I almost want Billy to win the rumble now. Almost.





Wait a minute...

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posted on 1-19-2004 at 04:21 PM Edit Post
I almost want to vomit. Almost.





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folby
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posted on 1-19-2004 at 04:57 PM Edit Post
quote:
Originally posted by LuckyLopez
Well aren't you and incredibly fair and even minded individual.

But then again Benoit is of course God and does no wrong.
You stop it right there buddy. I won't have you bring in any of that malarky on my watch. Just because Sabu intentionally broke a fall to the mat with his face is no reason to go around besmirching the name of his royal holyness, Chris Benoit. After all, which one of those two competitors is homicidal, suicidal, and genocidal? Not the Canadian Crippler, that's for sure. With that as his resumé, it's no wonder Sabu is also a saboteur. We should thank our lucky stars Chris Benoit was not hurt by Sabu's reckless shenanigans. I don't want to see you ever bring that episode up again, buddy. One more outburst like that and I'm taking away your smark badge.

[Edited on 1-19-2004 by folby]





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posted on 1-19-2004 at 07:29 PM Edit Post
Well, at least you know you know you can continue this thread after the rumble because the countdown becomes, "How long until Billy Gunn gets injured?" He should just change his name to Joe Glass for his overall weakness and fragile body.
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borntorun
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posted on 1-19-2004 at 07:32 PM Edit Post
If you're making a Mike Tyson's Punch-Out reference, I believe you meant to say Glass Joe.

If you meant to make a stupid comment, congratulations.





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borntorun
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posted on 1-20-2004 at 05:57 AM Edit Post
6 Days? But I Can't Hold It That Long! I Want Billy Back Now!!!!

This is the last Monday before Billy's return, meaning it is the last RAW before the Royal Rumble. One cannot deny that Billy was an integral part of making RAW what it is today. Wait, let me start over. One cannot deny that Billy was an integral part of making RAW what it was when it was fantabulously awesome. Everything after that until the present has been HHH's fault. EVERYTHING.

So yeah, Billy had a tremendous run on RAW. Some of his finest moments came on the weeknight flagship program, such as that time he and Road Dogg beat Mick Foley and Terry Funk in a cage match. Unfortunately, that wasn't enough of a highlight to make the cut. But it was still cool!

Anyway, forget wrestling. Forget Monday Nights. Hell, forget about feeding your child. Tonight, I present to you part 1 of...

FAMEPOWERMUSICROCKERDROPPERROADDOGGMONEYCONTRACTSKENSHAMROCKMUSTACHEAFTERBIRTHPALUMBORASSLIN

Behind the Ass: The Life and Times of Billy Gunn

William Gunn came humbly into this world on November 1st, 1963, the pride and joy of his mother, Bebe, and his father, Raymond. The sweltering heat of his Texas birthplace, the capital city of Austin,may not seem like the ideal place to raise a family, but the Lonestar state was destined to produce a lone star from the Gunn family. Even at an early age, young William brimmed with athletic ability, charisma, and an outlaw attitude for the new age.



One of an unknown number of children, Billy instantly clung to his half-brother, Monte Sopp. Monte, Bill's real, honest to god, true-to-life brother Bart, and Bill would do what normal kids do: Tie bandannas on each other's heads, play with fake guns and rhinestones, and invade WCW. Kid stuff.

Until Monte died.



The Gunn family couldn't even afford a decent tombstone. They didn't even have enough money to center the font. But Bill would never forget Monte.

Eventually, Billy and Bart got over the loss of their childhood friend. But forget about Bart. We're focusing on Billy, dammit! Anyhow, Billy went through all sorts of trials and tribulations that we don't have time to go through here (3 words: Tragic Ass Incident), that probably led to his future fetish.

In high school, he was voted "Most Likely to form an ambigously gay tag team partnership with a guy who would later become a quasi-mafia tough guy character." Man, those are always WAY off.



It's a pity they didn't have the "Laser" background back then. I do believe, though, that they did pass out the black plastic combs. Billy's hair needs care!

Another reason behind Billy's future success, besides his killer looks, was his athletic ability. Jim Ross often calls The One the best athlete pound-for-pound in the WWE. I would agree.


Highlight: 4 Touchdowns in a single game for Polk High.


Highlight: 4 No-hitters in a year for Polk High.

Unfortunately, the high school success didn't translate into college stardom, so Billy was left careerless, with nothing but the locks on his head and that magical ass of his.

So, like all young men trying to find themselves, Billy joined...the rodeo.



He thought it was his true love. He was never happier: the crowd cheered him, he sold lots of merchandise, and the wear and tear his posterior took on those broncos gave him the nickname that would serve him well years down the road: Sad Ass. Unfortunately, the then-WWF marketing team messed up, and for some reason called him the less intimidating "Bad Ass." As usual, Billy made the best of the situation and moved on.

Despite all the fame and publicity, Bill was not happy. He needed new direction and desired more action in his life; he planned on learning this from the town psychic. So one day, he put on his best tanktop, blow-dried his hair, and walked towards his destiny.



Tragically, the psychic had died 3 days earlier, so an old man who happened to be on the neighboring porch stumbled his way slowly across the yard and whispered in Billy's ear.

"If you don't get off my property, I'll make your ass famous by beating the hell out of you, you gall-darned rockabilly. You're the one and only who has had the guts to act like a king around here, so I'll give you until a 3 count to run away."

Billy listened closely to what the old man said. "Of course," he thought. "This guys giving me clues! I'm going to run away!"

So he did. Luckily for him, he ran right into a wrestling school. He went in, signed up, cut his hair, got a tan, and started working on his skills.



Billy Gunn was on his way to becoming a wrestler.

Too bad there was someone standing in his way.

Or was there? (cue lightning and thunder)


Stay tuned for part 2 of Behind the Ass, coming soon!





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LuckyLopez
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posted on 1-20-2004 at 07:44 AM Edit Post
quote:
Originally posted by folby
After all, which one of those two competitors is homicidal, suicidal, and genocidal? Not the Canadian Crippler, that's for sure.


Hmm. Touche.





He smiled.

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borntorun
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posted on 1-21-2004 at 05:44 AM Edit Post
5 Way Long Days! 4 Calling Birds, 3 French Hens...

FAMEPOWERMONEYCONTRACTSFAMEASSERFRESHCODROADDOGGHISTORYSHOWGUNNSRASSLIN

We now return to...

Behind the Ass: The Life and Time of Billy Gunn Part 2!

When we last left our hero, he was beginning the adventure of a lifetime. Could he turn his modest athletic success and supernatural (and almost illegal!) good looks into professional wrestling superstardom? I don't want to ruin the ending for you, so we'll just continue the story.

Billy, the Ass Machine that he is (thank you, Brad Smoley), worked like a madman on his wrestling technique. In fact, training has always been a serious part of Bill's life. He perfected his method while a young lad and still has the same regimen to this day.

First, he always begins with stretches, preferably with a partner.



After he get his legs ready, he moves onto the groin. Billy, much like I do, works that area almost to the point of injury, so it's important that it's nice and loose before a big match.



Do you recall Billy ever getting a hernia? Those stretches, my friends, are why you don't.

Finally, in this business, the last thing you want to injure is your back. Even if you're not a wrestler, this stretch is effective AND completely acceptable to do anywhere you go, including church, school, and the Republican National Convention.



Well, now we're ready for our workout!

Once Billy gets nice and warmed up, he hits the weights. We all know that his physique is top-notch: that's because he's dedicated to his craft.



Does your hair look that good when you do curls? I think not!

After about 20 sets of a lot of weight on every machine there is, Billy then thinks hard about the next phase of his workout.



"Should I swim? Should I do abwork (like I need it!)? I'm not sure; I'm so talented in so many areas. All I know is that this camera LOVES me!



After contemplating for 35 minutes, he decides to run. This dedication to stamina makes him a favorite of internet fans across the world, and his workout has inspired the likes of Scott Steiner and even the Undertaker!

Wait...weren't we supposed to go Behind the Ass? You want to know the dirt, don't you, you sleazy, E-watching scumbags? Well, I'd say I'm sorry, but I'm not. Billy's committment to physical conditioning is innate in his character, and this must be addressed in order to truly know the Assman. So, bugger off! Actually, I don't mean it. I love you and so does Bill.

*Ahem* Back to the story. After months, or even years (our research team isn't so good), Billy broke into the big time. Because of his bullriding and cowboy background, it was obvious for promotions to give him a rodeo gimmick. Over and over again. I mean, cowboys are always successful, right?

Anyway, Billy took what they gave him and ran with it. It's what a real man does, so here is the earliest known pic from his career:



One of his first matches was held at the Ojibwa Tribe Casino in L'anse, MI. Because it was an Indian Casino, Billy and his partner were heels. It's rumored that Billy won $125 dollars on slots that night. Take that as a rumor, though. Everything else is true.

After toiling on the Indian Circuit for a few years (and stealing lots of land), Billy finally landed his big break with the WWF! Yes, the fed saw the light and signed Billy to a 15 year contract that runs out in 2005.

Finally, in the early 1990's, Billy Gunn made his debut as...Kip Winchester!



Sadly, the gimmick did not take off. Billy would have to wait another year before he could redebut as ANOTHER FUCKING COWBOY! However, the lead singer of a fairly popular metal group saw WWE programming and immediately adapted his look.



I've heard that group has been a success ever since, and it's all due to Billy Gunn.

Why do you think they named some of their albums "Load" and "King (of the Ring) Nothing" in tribute to the slanted smarkish view of The One?

It is true: Billy Gunn is the father of Music as we know it.

Coming tomorrow: The stunning...uh, continuation of Behind the Ass





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borntorun
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posted on 1-22-2004 at 06:22 AM Edit Post
4 Days Left! Now with 30% more Gunn!

We now return with part 3 of...

FAMEPOWERMONEYBRAWLFORALLINDIGOGIRLSBROTHERSDOESANYONEREADTHISWRESTLING

Behind the Ass: The Life and Times of Billy Gunn

The road was becoming darker for Billy Gunn. Kip Winchester was a failure for all but the no-good image-stealing James Hetfield, who rode the lightning onto bigger and better things after stealing Bill's mustache and hairdo. His identity gone, his gimmick broken, Bill was living on a wing and a prayer.

Unfortunately, the wing was on fire. And the prayer was answered by Satan.





[/obligatory stolen Simpsons quote]


Despite Billy's initial failure, Vince McMahon saw the young grappler's unlimited potential, and gave him another chance. Gunn was not one and done, not by a long shot.

Instead, he was able to be...a cowboy. Again. But this time, he would be able to use his real name, as gimmicks and foolish characters had entirely disappeared from the WWF in the early-mid 90's. This time, though, Vince had plans for Billy as a tag team wrestler, and for his partner would be none other than...



His brother Bart! They hadn't seen each other in years, not since the death of their childhood friend and half-brother Monte Sopp. This was a reunion to be thankful for.

Aptly named The Smoking Gunns, and armed with an arsenal of talent and charisma, the two shot to the top of the tag team charts. Eventually, they became #1 contender's and landed a title match vs. Syxx and Hardcore Holly. The world was at a standstill as these superstars, later all highly-successful singles wrestlers, battled in a legendary tag team match that was a legitimate Match of the Night candidate. When all was said and done, January 23, 1995 became the day Billy Gunn won his first of many tag team championships.



Over the next year, The Brothers Gunn would battle Yokozuna, Owen Hart, British Bulldog, and some hillbillies en route to winning the tag titles 2 more times. Billy even had neck surgery, but unlike other wussy wrestlers (cough*Benoit*cough) he was only out for 4 months. Unfortunately, all the accomplishments paled in comparison to the drama that was about to unfold.

Bart had always felt like he was in the shadow of Billy. All his life, people remarked how great of an athlete his brother was, and everybody thought the name "Bart" was stupid. In fact, his own family didn't even let him in the holiday pictures!



Overtime, the tension between the feud really started to heat up. They would occasionally get into minor tussles on the road, and one time Bart even filed Billy's spurs down to tiny, dull nubs. The animosity finally translated to the ring, and tensions would reach quite a boil. There truly was no joy in Gunnville.



Like the story of Cain and Abel, it got to the point where Bart turned on his family, shaming the entire Gunn legacy. Unlike that Biblical tale, however, no incest occured. The breaking point wasn't Billy's overwhelmingly superior wrestling ability, nor his popularity. Bart, more than anything, was jealous of the fact that Billy is, was, and always will be the best damn cowboy alive.



Bart was green with envy with the knowledge that he would never be too sexy for his vest.

Anyway, Bart and Billy had a series of matches, and Bart even injured his brothers neck again, prompting their mother to chew him out on RAW.

"Bart, you've ruined your brot...no, you've disgraced our family. You are not worthy of the family name, and you certainly will never survive as a singles wrestler. I hope your lasting legacy is of a man getting knocked on his ass in front of a worldwide PPV audience."



In his last match ever, Bart lost to this box of buttery goodness in a 1999 Brawl-for-All bout. It serves him right too! Jerk.

Although Billy was ecstatic about his newfound freedom from his bro, he couldn't survive as a solo cowboy. Rockabilly, already covered in an earlier highlight (think Jeff Jarrett, but taller. Oh, and more rhinestones), was salvaged only by Billy's unmatched ability to take cowboydom to dizzying heights.

Finally, Billy would meet his first savior. Who is it? You were not aware? Well, it is imperative that your hindquarters pick up the phone and connect with another person.

As the attitude era was emerging, the face of the WWF was coming together.



Jesse James: What do you see, Billy Bad Ass?
Billy: I've got two words for you: our future, my friend, our future.

What exactly did the future hold for these outlaws of a new age? Find out next time, as we move ever so slowly towards Billy's return, and we also inch Behind the Ass.

Until then...



Relax!





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Timmy
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posted on 1-22-2004 at 02:29 PM Edit Post
Where are all of these gay pictures of Billy coming from?





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mcian
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posted on 1-22-2004 at 03:43 PM Edit Post
I hate to think that someone has all these billy gunn pics on thier computer.





"you are just a piece of shit who probably has no fucking life and no fucking friends so you spend all your time online thinking you are cool."

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Operation Retard
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posted on 1-22-2004 at 06:30 PM Edit Post
just check the properties of the pics.

the answer: www.billygunn.co.uk



also, BTR, another great piece as always. i'll be very saddened when billy does return. not only does it mean we'll have to endure billy on out TVs again, but it also means the end of BTR's countdown. what a sad day that will be.






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outback jack
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posted on 1-22-2004 at 08:13 PM Edit Post
Awesome posts, BTR. You have not mentioned the "rodeo scholarships" on which the Smoking Gunns allegedly attended college. Were these WWF hype? If so, damn you to hell, Gorilla Monsoon, for misleading America's youth!






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posted on 1-22-2004 at 08:33 PM Edit Post
You mean I can not get a rodeo scholarship ? What the hell have I been spending 20 hours a week roping fucking cows for them !!!





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borntorun
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posted on 1-23-2004 at 05:14 AM Edit Post
3 Days of Billy Purgatory!

With less than 72 hours left until the return of The One, we now resume

FAMEPOWERMONEYRODEOSCHOLARSHIPSCARRYONMYWAYWARDSONTRIPLEHDUMPSTERWRESTLING

Behind the Ass: The Life and Times of Billy Gunn

Rejuvenated and filled with a new sense of purpose, Billy was in 7th Heaven as he and The Road Dogg Jesse James quickly became one of the most popular teams in wrestling history and eventually won the tag team titles.



As you all remember (and if you don't, it's clearly evident in the above photo), much of their popularity was due to the fact that Billy Gunn was not only the physically dominant half of the group, but he also carried the tandem on the stick. While Road Dogg had a mildly popular catch phrase, the crowd was always pumped for the grand finale of their introductions.



And if you're not down with that...I've got twooooo waaaaards for ya!



Because of their super insane mega huge popularity, the New Age Outlaws (dammit, why is there always an allusion to cowboys in Billy's gimmicks? See what he had to rise above. Maybe because he's an incredible cowboy) were quickly recruited to help DeGeneration X in their fights with Stone Cold Steve Austin, Terry Funk and Mick Foley. After Mike Tyson's spine-shattering, near career-ending punch to Shawn Michaels at WM 14, new leader Hunter Hearst Helmsley took charge, and 3 new members came to join the rank of the DeGenerates: X-Pac, Road Dogg, and Billy Gunn.



These guys were so cool, they even invaded the nWo! In Tanks! Like this guy!



Oh, you may have been wondering: what was HHH's role as leader of the stable? Well...



Holding Billy down, like he does to everyone else. DAMN YOU HUNTER...IF THE WORLD WERE RIGHT, BILLY GUNN WOULD BE THE GAME! THE ASSGAME! IT'S TIME TO PLAY THE ASSGAME!

Sorry.

At any rate, the DX stuff was a lowpoint in Billy's career. Never had anyone been surrounded by such mediocre talent, and while the angle was popular, very few remember it to this day. Sure, the Outlaws won 5 tag titles, but the bigger story is the momentum Billy was gaining with both the mark and smart fans. He seemed destined for singles stardom.

By summer 1999, Billy had accomplished much. He was the Hardcore Champion going into Wrestlemania XV, and to this day he is one of the few men who have ever held that prestigious title. Things turned sour with his long time partner that spring, and the Outlaws broke up for good for a few months. Billy even bagged Hunters girlfriend, baby!



Did you know: Chyna is often considered the 9th wonder of the world.



That is the 10th AND 11th, if you know what I mean.

Anyway, the crowning (you'll get the pun in a minute) achievement of Billy's career occured when he beat the living hell out of the X-Punk and captured the title of King of the Ring! Unlike Stone Cold Steve Austin, Billy took his glory and ran with it. By 1999's Summerslam, Billy was carrying the Rock to a main event feud. It had never been better to be an Assman.

Then, before you could say "World Champion," tragedy struck our hero. In early 2000, while furthering a feud with the Dudleys, Billy Gunn risked his career, his life, his soul, and the hopes and dreams of everyone on earth when he gave Buh Buh Dudley a FameAsser on the table. The 48" vertical leap made for an impressive spot, but nearly cost us Billy... forever. Even his incredible athleticism couldn't save him from injuring his shoulder, a problem that has bugged him on occasion since then.



In that moment, DX was, in spirit, no more. The stable is but a nostalgia that is nearly forgotten, even among wrestling historians. Billy Gunn, though, would return to bring new memories to this crazy world we call sports entertainment.

To Be Concluded! Until then...



Peace!

[Edited on 1-23-2004 by borntorun]





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borntorun
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posted on 1-24-2004 at 03:28 AM Edit Post
2 Days! Pass it on.

Just a looooong weekend left until Billy returns! Like everybody else, my snacks are ready, the beverages are on ice, and my Royal Rumble review has already received ****1/2. I deducted that half because Billy will not be the first one to enter the battle royale.

Whoah! I'm getting ahead of myself. There are still a few days left, and I have unfinished business in this thread. Without further ado, I present the stirring conclusion of...

FAMEPOWERMONEYOBSESSIONWASHCLOTHTHESEARESTUPIDARENTTHEYCHYNATORRIEWEDDINGRASSLIN

Behind the Ass: The Life and Times of Billy Gunn

The new millenium hadn't been kind to Billy Gunn (and I don't care if the milennium actually started in 2001. It sounds more dramatic than century, so I'm going to use it. I'm not ignorant, just obstinate), as just months into 2000 he lost the tag team title for the 8th time and had to take time off for a physical ailment, portrayed nicely by this chick broad woman. Would this be Billy's curtain call?



If you've been paying attention, you know I always ask questions where the answer is either obvious or "no." So next time don't be so stupid. God. Don't you know a prehistorical question when you see one?

At any rate, NO, Billy was far from done; he was just getting started. October 2000 brought the debut of "The One" Billy Gunn: More attitude, more pink tights, and most of all NO ALLUSION TO A FUCKING COWBOY. Man, it only took half a decade to get from this:



to this:



Quite an improvement, I must say.

By far, my personal favorite aspect of "The One" was his sensational entrance music. Although it has been rumored that Pete Townshend, John Lennon, Bob Dylan, and Melissa Etheridge all collaborated on the lyrics, my suspicions are that Billy wrote them himself. Oh, and because you were wondering, this is also one of the songs I plan to play at my wedding, either when I come down the entrance ramp or when I'm allowed to kiss the bride. I haven't decided yet.

Yeah
ooh hoo
huh

Look at all I've got
Like to make a blind man see
Everything you wish you had
But God gave it all to me
On occasion, my reflection
Puts even me in awe
'cos I got it all

Ooohhoww I've got it all
Yeah
I got it all
wooohoooe
I've got it all

It's a better thing for me
To observe a better man
But with all your limitations
I think you're doing all you can
So give in, to your emotions
And let your envy fall
'cos I got it all
yeah
I got it all
I got it aaaalll
ow
I got it all

Every time, I hear my name, it sounds like a symphony
I'm a fine glass of wine
gettin' better with age
May come in better taassste
ow
ohhoooww

ow
Look at all I've go-o-ot
Like to make a blind man see
Everything you wish you had
But God gave it all to me
On occasion, my reflection
Puts even me in awe
'cos I got it all
ooohhhooowww
I got it allll
yeah yeah
I got it all
I got it a-a-all


Yes, Billy certainly is like a fine glass of wine. Not only does he get better with age, but the ladies love him and many homeless veterans are addicted to him. Too bad he doesn't come in a box.

If you've never heard the song, I suggest you buy the WWF: The Music Volume 5 Audiocassette now! I would give you the link but they don't sell it anymore. So, you can buy the CD here.

As mentioned in an earlier highlight, The One captured the Intercontinental Championship within a few months of his return, and in February 2001 he also earned the Hardcore belt for the second time, holding it for the most incredible 61 seconds in history. Gunn was certainly getting it done.



I just like this picture. Keep reading.

Despite reports to the contrary, Billy actually made it 2 entire years without seriously injuring himself. He appeared on WWE programming almost every week from October 2000-October 2002. Heat is a good show, btw. If you don't believe me about Billy's toughness, click here.

After accomplishing all he needed to in singles competition, Billy returned to the tag team ranks in late 2001. This time, his partner was former WCW superstar Chuck Palumbo. The team was an instant hit, and the crowds ate up their completely traditional and wacky antics.



It was just a matter of time before Billy would claim his 9th and 10th tag team title, making him the most important superstar of all time.



And the sexiest!

After years of teaming, Billy had nowhere else to go. He didn't need anymore titles...what he needed was a permanent partner. Chuck was his 3rd fellow champion, and they each wanted to be one anothers last. So, they decided to form a completely heterosexual union.





This is the type of bond that few people are secure enough to make, and that honesty drew media attention from around the globe. Soon after they vowed to be together forever, they made it official (for better or for worse) on Smackdown! a few weeks later. Boy, did they look good doing it too! Notice the personalized cumberbuns. Simply awesome.







They certainly were happy that night, and all would agree that the ceremony was an absolute tear-jerker. Even better was that the evening went off without a hitch, because this sort of thing just screamed "classic WWE plot twist." Because absolutely nothing happened the two were officially partners for ever.

I love a happy ending. Too bad it wasn't one.

That two-timing phony piece of shit bastard Chuck left Bill as soon as the former half of the "in sickness and in health" part of their vows came into play. Billy went down with a rare injury (it had been 2 years!), and within weeks Chuck had forgotten his roots and joined the mob. Billy was so distraught that he wouldn't come back until Mid-2003.



^ Melancholy.

Billy would have the last laugh, though. Upon his return to a thundering ovation, he was immediately saddled with Torrie Wilson! They were a wholesome couple.



Oh, except for the orgy thing. Forgot about that. My bad.



Summer ended badly for Billy, as he once again hurt himself and was on the shelf as 2003 closed. But as we all know, he'll be back and better than ever.

The incredible journey of Billy Gunn is just beginning, and you can bet I'll be on his ass all the way through. No, not like that, pervert.

That concludes Behind the Ass: The Life and Times of Billy Gunn. I hope you enjoyed the history lesson, which will soon be seen on Bravo cable stations around the world.

Join me tomorrow as I give you MY personal favorite Billy Gunn moments (and anecdotes). And, if I can get it done, I hope to have an extra special treat up in time for Billy's return at the Royal Rumble on Sunday.

I hope everybody's weekend is a day at the beach.







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OO Kyle
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posted on 1-24-2004 at 04:49 AM Edit Post
BTR, I must say that I'd been too busy arguing with Krydor to pay much attention to you previous to this, but you are now officially my FAVORITE POSTER EVER.

If there's some kind of OO Shrine of Greatness, your History of Billy Gunn should be placed there for this and all future generations to enjoy. Good heavens man, that was the best thing I've EVER seen on ANY discussion board.





Stand back! There's a HURRICANE coming through! Several, in fact!

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borntorun
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posted on 1-25-2004 at 04:16 AM Edit Post
Tomorrow! Tomorrow! Billy's back, tomorrow! It's only a day away!

We have all been on an incredible roller coaster over the last few weeks. In this forum, we've seen the true Billy Gunn, many of us for the first time. Forget his incredible moveset, or his ability to show up The Rock in every aspect; look past his charisma and his hard work that has moved made him successful at every stage of his career.

We're not talking about Billy the wrestler anymore. I want to talk about Billy the human being. Let's look at not the Ass but the man that sports that Behind.

Who is William Gunn?

Mr. Gunn is a brother and a friend. He is always there when you need him, and he's helped me through some troubled times with his crazy antics and quiet intensity.

A man who always portrays how he truly feels, Kip Winchester/Smoking Gunn/New Age Outlaw Bill has always been a cowboy at heart.



Although he consistantly spoke about the virtues of his derriere, he is not a bragger. Think not poorly of him, for we could all learn from the best. Billy simply has an amazing ass. One more look, for posteriority (I made up a word!)



Most importantly for us fans, Billy is simply a humble, friendly superstar. I have two true stories I would like to share with you, which are some of the reasons I truly admire this man.

The first occurred the only time I ever met The One. It was at WWF Fan aXXess in Toronto during the Wrestlemania X-8 festivities. Billy and Chuck were signing autographs, and my friends and I were fortunate enough to get in line and shake their hands. A simple smile, a swoosh of the pen, and some eye contact gave me the knowledge that at that moment he appreciated my fandom. The best part of the story is that when my friend Dustin got his autograph, Billy shook his hand and said, "Good Job!" To this day, we still ponder over what Dustin did so well, but we appreciated the gesture anyway. Class Act.

The second anecdote many of you may have seen but may be unaware. There was a Smackdown! taping in February 2000 at the Joe Louis Arena in Detroit, MI. Most fans remember it as the day that the Radicals (Benoit, Guerrero, Saturn, and Malenko) first wrestled in the WWF. It is also notable that in his match that night, Eddie Guerrero severely hurt his arm. If anyone has that match on tape, go to the New Age Outlaws entrance. As Billy and the Road Dogg emerge, the camera shows a close-up of 6 guys and a girl holding individual posterboards that spell A-S-S-M-E-N (with a set of lips in the middle). Hi Mom, I'm on TV (I'm the 'N'

The more impressive part of that, though, is that as Billy walks down the ramp, he is pointing at us the entire time, and you can see it on the program: He basically makes another cameraman pan his camera at us, for yet another close-up. I really cannot recall a wrestler that intense on getting his fans on TV. Please do not make that memory any less beautiful by saying something negative. Thank you.

I know the countdown is winding down, and this entry isn't as entertaining as the others, but Billy isn't all fun and games. I have enjoyed sharing Billy memories and giving Billy history with you, the receptive audience. I learned quite a bit, but as Ishmael says in Moby-Dick (adapted for the occasion):

"The more I consider this mighty ass, the more do I deplore my inability to express it. At times there are gestures in it, which, though they would well grace the hand of man, remain wholly inexplicable. In an extensive herd, so remarkable, occasionally, are these mystic gestures, that I have heard hunters who have declared them akin to Free-Mason signs and symbols; that Billy Gunn, indeed, by these methods intelligently conversed with the world. Nor are there wanting other motions of Billy Gunn in his general body, full of strangeness, and unaccountable to his most experienced assailant. Dissect him how I may, then, I but go skin deep. I know him not, and never will.



You'll always be my King.


Join me tomorrow for Billy's return, and if everything goes to plan, an extra special Royal Rumble surprise.





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folby
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posted on 1-25-2004 at 05:09 AM Edit Post
I can't decide which is worse, that the countdown is over, which means we no longer gets BTR's hilarious commentary, or that the countdown is over which means Billy Gunn returns.



/had to be said





Things I have written recently
3/24: On Sandwiches: The Beef on Weck
3/16: The Rage Against The Machine School of Continuing Education
3/15: On Sandwiches Presents: The Best Possible Sandwich Chain

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borntorun
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posted on 1-26-2004 at 04:12 AM Edit Post
He came back tonight!

If you haven't seen it, you can read all about Billy's return here.

Thanks for the support! You're all Assmen to me.





Fake McCoy Comics

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