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Author: Subject: Surrender Monkeys
Timmy
Showstopper






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posted on 7-30-2003 at 08:51 AM Edit Post Reply With Quote
Surrender Monkeys

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nilesanderson
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posted on 7-30-2003 at 11:53 AM Edit Post Reply With Quote
Timmy, you shall lead the front against Evolution. With you, me and Ando, we will be unstoppable!






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angstboy
cornerkicked.com






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posted on 7-30-2003 at 01:20 PM Edit Post Reply With Quote
Wow, the French surrender a lot. That's funny.

You can TRY to come at Evolution, kids, but you're gonna have to do a better job at finding nicely photoshopped images that don't look like the were done by a 2-years-old boy. Then we might be impressed.

Oh, and way to throw Timmy in front of the train there niles. Very classy.






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BoerboelLVR
Man of a Thousand Holds






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posted on 7-30-2003 at 02:40 PM Edit Post Reply With Quote
Niles, have you taken a good look at Karate Chimp? Have you gone insane? Even if the rest of Evolution decide to go and take a coffee break, Karate Chimp alone will kill you!!!! He can spinning kick a grown man in the head by gawd! You will have no defense. Karate Chimp will kick your ass!!!!





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nilesanderson
Man of a Thousand Holds






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posted on 7-30-2003 at 03:19 PM Edit Post Reply With Quote
A-ha, but that's where you're wrong! I am attempting to draft Karate chimp as he is, as of yet, neutral. While Chimp with the Hand-Gun is losing in the polls, he is still a chimp with a hand-gun, meaning he too is dangerous. Plus, being a chimp, he can earn the trust of Karate chimp. And last I checked, Boerboel, Karate chimp is your guy, and we are on good terms as far as I can tell. We must talk, name your terms.






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BoerboelLVR
Man of a Thousand Holds






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posted on 7-30-2003 at 04:08 PM Edit Post Reply With Quote
Yes niles, we are on good terms as I believe neither of us has shown hostility towards the other. However, the same can be said about the members of Evolution as well. I am neither closely associated with nor enemies of any of you.

Now we come to another interseting point. I am Karate Chimps agent and although I originally introduced him to Evolution, he was not completely inducted into their ranks.

You ask me to name my terms. I say this.

I am officially opening negotiations for Karate Chimp as a free agent. I will be accepting offers and any form of payment will be considered.

Just so you know where to start, I am very partial to Asian women, American whiskey, German automobiles, and 21st Century European Heavy Metal.

Once all offers are on the table, I will refer them to my advisor, legal consultant, and drinking buddy LuckyLopez, who also claims no affiliation to any faction or stable. I am sure that together, we can reach a fair decision.

Very well then, let the bidding start.

[Edited on 7-30-2003 by BoerboelLVR]





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OOMike
The Great One






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posted on 7-30-2003 at 04:25 PM Edit Post Reply With Quote
Here is my offer:

6-pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon (the official beer of The Rick)
Box of Chocolate frosted fudge Pop-Tarts
4 pounds of bananas for the chimp.

and to sweeten the deal, prime space in my column


[Edited on 7-30-2003 by OOMike]





2017 where Nazis are defended and being against Fascism is a bad thing.

Prejudices are rarely overcome by argument; not being founded in reason they cannot be destroyed by logic Tryon Edwards

Never let the facts interfere with a good rant.

The only OO columnist that has never written a column.

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nilesanderson
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posted on 7-30-2003 at 04:27 PM Edit Post Reply With Quote
Asian women, eh? hhmmmm, this could be interesting. And I see we share a passion in German cars as well. I'll see what I can do, my people must be consulted.






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outback jack
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posted on 7-30-2003 at 06:07 PM Edit Post Reply With Quote
How about Asian whiskey, heavy German women, 20th Century Eastern European cars, and some shiny metal objects to distract OOMike?






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BoerboelLVR
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posted on 7-30-2003 at 06:21 PM Edit Post Reply With Quote
C'mon Niles. I opened negotiations over two friggin hours ago and you haven't even made an offer. I can't wait forever and both Mike and Jack have interesting offers out there.

Mike, you'll have to throw in an extra pound of bananas for me. I love bananas, but I'm not about to try stealing from the chimp so I'd need a pound of my own.

Jack, it's a good thing the whiskey comes first otherwise I wouldn't be brave enough for the heavy German gals.

And a question to both Mike and Outback Jack. What do you guys want with a Chimp anyway? Do you need him so you can try to impress the ladies or are you just trying to keep it away from Niles?

[Edited on 7-30-2003 by BoerboelLVR]





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OOMike
The Great One






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posted on 7-30-2003 at 06:24 PM Edit Post Reply With Quote
two pounds of bananas for you, and the uses of a karate chimp are limitless....





2017 where Nazis are defended and being against Fascism is a bad thing.

Prejudices are rarely overcome by argument; not being founded in reason they cannot be destroyed by logic Tryon Edwards

Never let the facts interfere with a good rant.

The only OO columnist that has never written a column.

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angstboy
cornerkicked.com






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posted on 7-30-2003 at 06:40 PM Edit Post Reply With Quote
First of all, I'd just like to thank Rick and the OO Forums for hosting this event. Your hospitality in these matters has been nothing less than extraordinary. In the 2003 Karate-Monkey Draft, Evolution selects "Karate Chimp" from BoerboelLVR University in the first round.

I will not currently disclose all of the particulars of our contract agreement but I'm willing to disclose that all that stuff that you requested is about 1/10th of what Evolution can offer. Along with the women, bananas, cars and booze we offer as a basic courtesy: limozine/jet rides, unlimited trips to Space Mountain, lots and lots of "game," the finest hair care products, neverending bottles of water and of course primate companionship for Mr. Karate Chimp, himself. I think you'll find our offer more than fair.

[Edited on 7-30-2003 by angstboy]






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Denethor
Man of a Thousand Holds






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posted on 7-30-2003 at 06:46 PM Edit Post Reply With Quote
and we'll help pick the bugs out of your fur. it's win/win.






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LuckyLopez
Reeks of WCW






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posted on 7-30-2003 at 06:55 PM Edit Post Reply With Quote
Boerboel, as your advisor I would remind you that aligning with OOEvolution could very well have future intangible political advantages on these boards... where as Niles seems unable to get his avatar to work and has been turned on by the Mods. With one Evolution member nearing 2000 and another one set to become the innaugaral member of the 3000 club... there is a power move to be played there. Alternatively, niles' self appointment to head "Team 3 Digit" seems to have caused something of a schism and his self appointment as rule of the Graveyard has already begun to raise some ire's.

I would wait to hear Niles' offer to see what he does... but short of "jaw dropping" I must presume my counsel will be for OOEvolution.

I'll be at the bar, listening to Zoot, awaiting to hear Niles' offer...

[Edited on 7-30-2003 by LuckyLopez]





He smiled.

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outback jack
The Great One






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posted on 7-30-2003 at 06:56 PM Edit Post Reply With Quote
quote:
Originally posted by BoerboelLVR
C'mon Niles. I opened negotiations over two friggin hours ago and you haven't even made an offer. I can't wait forever and both Mike and Jack have interesting offers out there.

Mike, you'll have to throw in an extra pound of bananas for me. I love bananas, but I'm not about to try stealing from the chimp so I'd need a pound of my own.

Jack, it's a good thing the whiskey comes first otherwise I wouldn't be brave enough for the heavy German gals.

And a question to both Mike and Outback Jack. What do you guys want with a Chimp anyway? Do you need him so you can try to impress the ladies or are you just trying to keep it away from Niles?

[Edited on 7-30-2003 by BoerboelLVR]


Boerboel, the chimp is the hottest free agent since Randy Savage's debut in WWF. Once I get the rub from securing his services, I'd cut a deal with Niles and Mike including prime coverage in Mike's column and shiny metal objects, perhaps clangy poles as well.






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nilesanderson
Man of a Thousand Holds






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posted on 7-30-2003 at 07:02 PM Edit Post Reply With Quote
Ah, I see I am going to have to make an offer that you can't refuse. I offer 1 cheeseburger and a pound of ripe banana's. No more, no less. So, why would you take this offer over the much heftier deals being made to you? Well, quite simple because chimp with the handgun is quite adept in the art of stealth and is currently on an assasination mission. The target: Karate chimp. Now, I know what you're saying "but chimp with the handgun isn't cool enough to take out karate chimp, how do you expect him to succeed?" Well, because he has an assistant that even karate chimp is no match for. May I present my latest aquisition in my evergrowing army!!!

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LuckyLopez
Reeks of WCW






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posted on 7-30-2003 at 07:24 PM Edit Post Reply With Quote
Boerboel... he threatened you! You and Karate Chimp... with a pyromaniac kitten.

Given the audacity and disrespect presented by niles... and the substantially preferable offer presented by OOEvolution... and the fact that "chimp with gun"'s assassination abilities are in question since he can't even find his way to the board... I must support OOEvolution's bid.

Furthermore, I would suggest that this threat against you and your client be taken as an act of blatant hostility from "Team 3 Digit" and that you immediatelly withdraw any possible alliance with them. Outback Jack's confessions to try and deal with niles' seems to move for the outright rejection of his offer as well.

Boerboel, I would advise that you do your dealings with OOEvolution and then return to the decidedly neutral territory of "6 Degrees" where we can stop this silly alliance thing. Any act of aggression there by "King Wiener" would surely result in him gaining the wrath of the majority of unaligned middle as well as the dreaded ModSquad. While building arms against OOEvolution, it would be foolhardy and suicidal to upset the "Four Horsemen of OO" as well as the more articulate individuals who may be drafted into his "3 Digit Club."

Then come over to the bar with those banannas... all this beer has made me hungry...





He smiled.

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nilesanderson
Man of a Thousand Holds






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posted on 7-30-2003 at 07:33 PM Edit Post Reply With Quote
Ah-HA!!! The first victory is mine! Do not underestimate my abilites, my friends, for behold, your karate chimp is mine!

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angstboy
cornerkicked.com






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posted on 7-30-2003 at 07:40 PM Edit Post Reply With Quote
"the fact that "chimp with gun"'s assassination abilities are in question since he can't even find his way to the board... "

Well, it would appear, for the moment at least that "chimp with a gun" has finally appeared!!! So now his stealthy-assassin abilities really ARE in question. Pop! There he is! Some assassin, he's been pointing that gun (clumsily) at me for almost a whole minute now and hasn't figured out the whole trigger concept yet. I'm going to U2U the "chimp with a gun" a similar offer that OOEvolution extended "Karate Chimp." We need developmental talent, in case I, the Randy Orton of OOEvolution, break a nail or something and end up on the shelf for another 3 months.






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salmonjunkie
Best There Is Was or Ever Will Be






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posted on 7-30-2003 at 07:46 PM Edit Post Reply With Quote
those bars look like they're made of bamboo. Didn't you see? KArate Chimp can break wood with his feet! Bamboo will be nothing compared to his powerful kicks.

He's a kicker, so he won't be tearing up his quad anytime soon. Looks like we have out 4th member, fellas. Commence the fur-picking!






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nilesanderson
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posted on 7-30-2003 at 07:52 PM Edit Post Reply With Quote
You see, he popped up just after he captured karate chimp, and I assure you, those bars are of the highest calibre, my offer stands, surrender ownership of Karate Chimp to me or I'll sic the cat on him. Even Karate Chimp is no match for Samuri Kitty!






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salmonjunkie
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posted on 7-30-2003 at 07:54 PM Edit Post Reply With Quote
but how bad-ass can Samurai Kitty be if he's near-sighted?






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BoerboelLVR
Man of a Thousand Holds






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posted on 7-30-2003 at 08:09 PM Edit Post Reply With Quote
Niles, Niles, Niles.....There are two things you must learn about me.

I will only deal honestly. I make honest offers and I expect the people I deal with to be honest as well.

But secondly and even more important.

Now you listen to me punk because I will only say this once and since you're a wiener, I'm gonna say this nice.....and.....slow.

Don't you EVER threaten me!!! You have no idea what you are getting yourself into.

Instead of trying to make a fair offer, you just made threats. Threats you can't possibly deliver on. And now you have left me no choice but to accept OOEvolution's offer for the signing of Karate Chimp.

See there are a few more things that you don't know. The deal with OOEvolution was done shortly after they made their offer.

The Chimp that you have behind bars is not Karate Chimp as you suspect. He is a decoy. His real name is Thumb Up His Ass Monkey and he doesn't know a wristlock from a wristwatch let alone anything about karate. You lose wiener boy!

And by the way, Samurai Kitty is a worthless and pathetic attempt to scare me. I've got something for him.

Say hello to Suzy. She's a 140lb. South African Boerboel. Do you know what we feed her to get her that big? Cats. Enough said.

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angstboy
cornerkicked.com






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posted on 7-30-2003 at 08:10 PM Edit Post Reply With Quote
All of this is moot. I just finished negotiations and OOEvolution has a 5TH member. That's right. Sorry niles, appearently "chimp with a gun" hates cats. you shoulda consulted him first. Now he's with us.

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LuckyLopez
Reeks of WCW






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posted on 7-30-2003 at 08:13 PM Edit Post Reply With Quote
quote:
Originally posted by angstboy
"the fact that "chimp with gun"'s assassination abilities are in question since he can't even find his way to the board... "

Well, it would appear, for the moment at least that "chimp with a gun" has finally appeared!!! So now his stealthy-assassin abilities really ARE in question. Pop! There he is! Some assassin, he's been pointing that gun (clumsily) at me for almost a whole minute now and hasn't figured out the whole trigger concept yet. I'm going to U2U the "chimp with a gun" a similar offer that OOEvolution extended "Karate Chimp." We need developmental talent, in case I, the Randy Orton of OOEvolution, break a nail or something and end up on the shelf for another 3 months.


Still, stealth doesn't seem to be his MO, does it? Maybe more along the lines of lulling you into a sense of security by his tedious actions and then pouncing?

And does niles remind anyone else of the kid who when you played with fake guns or anything as a kid who'd just rile you up?
Me: I shot you! Ha!
Niles: No you didn't. Missed.
Me: I was standing right in front of you. I shot the cap. I got you.
Niles: Nu, uh. Missed. *BLAM* Got you.
Me: I was standing where you are now? How did I miss if you didn't?
Niles: Because I didn't. I win, you're dead. Game over.

You're the reason they invented laser tag...





He smiled.

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