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Author: Subject: I want presents... give me presents now.
Flash
The Immortal One






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posted on 3-15-2019 at 05:11 AM Edit Post Reply With Quote
I want presents... give me presents now.

So I'm pushing 40 and with my inching ever closer to death there's a lot of feelings stirring; Chiefly that all my friends are in long term relationships and are married, have a date set, or are probably dragging their feet to the point that either their girlfriends will get tired of waiting and break things off, or they'll just give up and grow old together in a loveless relationship (so just like marriage!).

To make matters worse those mothertruckers are all starting to have babies.

Not me... I figure I'm probably going to die alone; and I mean that in a non super sad kind of way. I just hate people in general and don't have the energy to put into all the stuff that comes with dating. Honestly I'm mostly cheery about it, so that's not what this is about.

I have to buy those selfish marrying/baby making bastards wedding gifts, bachelor party stuff, and baby shower crap. Multiples if they have more kids, or get divorced and remarry.

Where's my goddam presents?

I feel all us single for life folks are due some kind of once in a lifetime super day of presents to balance those scales... With the caveat of course that should I/we get married or have a baby then no presents would be forthcoming.

At a time when it's probably pretty irresponsible to bring a kid into a world that's apt to get Trumped into oblivion at any moment, or will be destroyed by some kind of super tornado riding mutant polar bear or other climate issue really WE the not baby making folk should be celebrated... any idiot can make a baby... you can literally make a baby anywhere.

What's more they are already referring to me as Uncle Flash... that means I'll probably have to buy their kid(s) presents once a year now too on their birthdays.

Guh...

Really I just want presents.

I think my scheme needs a good name... any thoughts? It should be cool enough to catch on and also hip enough to not be mistaken for some kind of Incel bitching group.

But mostly presents should... nay... MUST be given.

I figure if I have to spend like $100 on a wedding gift, like $50 on a baby shower, and let's say $25 a year on their brats x 10-15 years gifts should be given TO ME for the equivalent cash value of about $400... Hell I'll even discount that to an nice $250 (provided it's in cash). I mean really this is saving them money as I'm not bringing a date to their wedding thus saving them money, and depending on closeness to the couple I might have to buy other crap later on... like anniversary shit.

So help me with a name for this celebration of masterbation (actually that might be it?)... What other "rules" should this gift giving to me take on... What other arguments can I make to strengthen my case?

I tried googling this and couldn't find anything surprisingly enough... I'm kidding/not kidding about this, but am still surprised it's not a scheme other singles try and run.

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OOMike
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posted on 3-15-2019 at 08:10 PM Edit Post Reply With Quote
Singles Day.

November 11th.

It is one of the biggest shopping days in China.





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Flash
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posted on 3-15-2019 at 10:05 PM Edit Post Reply With Quote
See reading about singles day it seems like it's more a weird match making thing, or buy yourself something in honour of being single.

I want them to buy me presents... or more specifically give me money.

Like would I be required to hold some kind of ceremony?

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TownOfDalem
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posted on 3-15-2019 at 10:17 PM Edit Post Reply With Quote
quote:
Originally posted by Flash
Like would I be required to hold some kind of ceremony?


Yes. That's what gets you the presents. In general, for the wedding or kids birthday party or whatever the person getting the presents is paying for food or a venue or something along those lines. Your gift is in exchange for that shitty piece of cake or whatever.

As a single person society does offer you a house warming as a way to get gifts. That does require moving and then hosting a party at said new apartment or house. The hosting of a ceremony is the key.





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bigfatgoalie
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posted on 3-15-2019 at 10:39 PM Edit Post Reply With Quote
I mean you could do a scam like the CPC and make a website like letherspeak.ca and sell off peopleís personal info.

Or move and have a house warming party. If nothing else people will bring food and liquor.

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Flash
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posted on 3-15-2019 at 11:06 PM Edit Post Reply With Quote
Lol.... Wait, are you telling me that the same people who just months before called JWR's integrity into question are now rallying behind her as a bastion of truth?

Golly... I might just lose faith in politicians.

(as an aside, the fact that the CPC is selling off people's info is hilarious to me; That's got to be right up there with how the guy who ran the truck convoy to Ottawa stole all the Yellowvests money that was donated to them thus stranding them.)

I mean I do have entry codes to my BFF's house... So maybe I could run some kind of air bnb out of there on the sly? Do you think they'd notice a nice family from Tokyo in for the weekend? Just basically grift the shit out of them all until I get my non-wedding and non-baby making presents or their cash equivalents.

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Count Zero
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posted on 3-15-2019 at 11:47 PM Edit Post Reply With Quote
Hey man, if you're single and NOT grifting, you're not singling right.

(I probably couldn't grift to save my life, so, like, I have no actual advice here. I'm just sayin' you should be living the dream.)

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bigfatgoalie
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posted on 3-16-2019 at 12:25 AM Edit Post Reply With Quote
quote:
Originally posted by Flash
Lol.... Wait, are you telling me that the same people who just months before called JWR's integrity into question are now rallying behind her as a bastion of truth?

Golly... I might just lose faith in politicians.

(as an aside, the fact that the CPC is selling off people's info is hilarious to me; That's got to be right up there with how the guy who ran the truck convoy to Ottawa stole all the Yellowvests money that was donated to them thus stranding them.)

I mean I do have entry codes to my BFF's house... So maybe I could run some kind of air bnb out of there on the sly? Do you think they'd notice a nice family from Tokyo in for the weekend? Just basically grift the shit out of them all until I get my non-wedding and non-baby making presents or their cash equivalents.


To be fair to the CPC, they are not selling off people's info...just collecting it for themselves and their members under the false pretense of a grass roots page.

So basically my suggestion was to be scummier than the CPC. I'll let you decide if you need the money that badly.

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salmonjunkie
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posted on 3-16-2019 at 05:56 AM Edit Post Reply With Quote
Thereís an episode of Sex In The City about this very thing. Sarah Jessica Parkerís character is tired of going to weddings and baby showers while staying single and not having an event to receive gifts so she announces that she is marrying herself and opens a registry at a fancy shoe brand.

Well, she really does that because her expensive shoes were stolen/destroyed at a baby shower, and thatís the plan she uses to get the baby shower mom to replace her shoes, but still. Thatís what your post reminded me of.

[Edited on 3-16-2019 by salmonjunkie]

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Paddlefoot
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posted on 3-16-2019 at 05:57 AM Edit Post Reply With Quote
quote:
Originally posted by Flash

... I figure I'm probably going to die alone; and I mean that in a non super sad kind of way. I just hate people in general...


Do you want to get married? Because with an attitude like that, which effectively matches mine almost to the letter, you might have just revealed yourself as my soul-mate, my morning-noon-and-night, my sun-and-stars....





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janerd75
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posted on 3-16-2019 at 06:28 AM Edit Post Reply With Quote
I'M IN! It's not when it's in a 3-Way!



Lol j/k, it's totally when it's in a 3-Way...







Janny 11:19 says I JUST ATE YOUR ASS

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Flash
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posted on 3-20-2019 at 04:42 AM Edit Post Reply With Quote
Give me some time guys... I'm only just turning 40... I feel like those kind of "screw it, got nothing else going on" decisions slash wedding pacts are more "huh, I'm almost 50" type decisions.

I don't know that I'll rule out marriage... I just think the chase of the idea wears me down; I don't drink and don't care for bars; and I'm not religious so those tend to take out the big meet people kind of ways. I tried the online dating thing and I won't slam it, but I just found I couldn't get it to work for me in a way where it didn't feel like the work I was putting in didn't feel like it was taking away from my genuine life enjoyment and enjoyment of me if that makes sense... Like you're doing a lot of work on the off chance you find someone to be happy with, but in doing so are doing a lot of stuff that leaves you feeling kinda "meh" or put out, thus making you unhappy... Dating: Life's little ouroboros.

Honestly though guys; this whole thread was mostly a joke about how I could scam money and presents for myself.

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