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Author: Subject: So... pregnancy loss, anyone? Edit-- update: Papa Punker
punkerhardcore
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posted on 7-3-2015 at 10:24 PM Edit Post Reply With Quote
So... pregnancy loss, anyone? Edit-- update: Papa Punker

Yeah, I know, this is a depressing topic. And I know we don't usually spill out with serious stuff here-- and I'm certain I'm opening myself up to a ton of jokes and ridicule-- but eh, whatever.

A little backstory-- after spending a good chunk of my 20s dating around and swearing I would NEVER settle down-- I guess I've settled down. I've had a girlfriend for quite a while now, and shes great. Turns out when you meet somebody like that, you don't really feel like looking for anyone else.

As things went on, the topic of starting a family came up... as it often does. Now, I've never, ever wanted children. I may even say that I hate them. Everything about it seems completely shitty. I've seen how it's changed all my friends who have kids, and I wanted none of it. I enjoy having all my money and time to do anything that I want, thank you very much.

But, she really wanted them. And after thinking on it for a long time, and talking to my friends more (especially as their kids got a little older) my stance softened a bit. I still can't say I wanted a kid, per se, but the thought of it didn't make me want to kill myself anymore. So we settled on a compromise of sorts-- if it happens, it happens. We weren't gonna have sex on any sort of schedule, or take hormones, or any other stuff like that. She went off birth control about 20 months ago, and we'd just fuck like normal and see what happens.

And I honestly didn't think it would! There were a few "ohhhh this might be it" moments in that 20 months, but it never panned out. So in mid-May when it happened again, I didn't even give it a second thought. Until one morning I woke up, and she told me she took a test, and that was that. We'll be parents in January.

Huh. Holy shit. I honestly don't even know if I was happy, to be honest. More shocked. Then really worried as the weeks went on and... Jesus Christ this little monster is going to suck away all our money and time.

But... also kinda excited as the weeks went on. All my life I loathed the idea, but I was warming up to it.

And then fast forward to yesterday. Ten weeks down, and our first doctor appointment and ultrasound. We were both pretty amped about it. We hadn't even told anyone yet-- not even our parents-- but we figured this weekend would be the perfect time.

There we are in the exam room with the doctor, looking at the ultrasound, the first glimpse of the little dude or gal. And then...

No heartbeat.

I mean... a hundred kicks to the balls could not have possibly felt worse. It's crazy how within a span of seconds you go from feeling over the moon, to absolute devastation. She broke down, and understandably so. I just felt numb. It's weird, you know? Something I never even thought I ever wanted, and then I had it, and it was gone. And it fucking sucks.

A day later, and everything still feels mostly miserable. Anyway, I didn't really have a grand purpose for writing all this. I guess getting it out helps. I'm not fishing for sympathy or anything like that. I was partly curious if any other dudes had gone through this, maybe what their experiences were like, I dunno. I don't have a blog, I don't use social media... as far as interactions with other people on the internet, this is it for me.

[Edited on 4-12-2016 by punkerhardcore]





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salmonjunkie
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posted on 7-3-2015 at 10:53 PM Edit Post Reply With Quote
I've never been through this, but a good friend of mine recently went through the same thing recently, with a very similar attitude pre-pregnancy as you did. Sorry to hear that man.
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janerd75
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posted on 7-4-2015 at 01:55 AM Edit Post Reply With Quote
Jesus, what the hell does a person even say to something like that that doesn't come off as uselessly trite? You're already going through the grieving process as individuals and as a couple, so there's not much to say other than that really fucking sucks.

I've never experienced such a scenario and but I do understand the wanting freedom/money aspect. I've gone out of my way to avoid your very situation by getting neutered due to a shit upbringing that I never wanted to perpetuate on with a family of my own. Yeah, that's living out of fear and I think ultimately the loser will be me because I'm good with kids and am the go to "Uncle" for all of my friend's kids, but I digress.

The only advice I can give may sound screwy at first, but when you consider the alternative I think it makes sense. Certainly not now, but ultimately it may help to have some kind of sense of humor about it. Yeah, that may be a dark concept, but the alternative I mentioned would be to go full maudlin, sackcloth and ashes miserable, and that will certainly put undue strain on yourself and your relationship. And certainly your sense of humor will contextually depend on your sense of life as far as how you 'offgas' that tension from the pressure cooker that is dealing with the grief you're going through.

I would assume you've seen it, but there was a sequence in 'Private Parts' with Howard Stern, which was fairly faithfully cribbed from an actual tragic event in his life, that is surprisingly eloquent and poignant in how he dealt with what you're literally dealing with now. That's the kind of thing I'm referring to about having a sense of humor about it all. Humor's a way to release tension build-up and I can only vaguely imagine the tension you're feeling now. But such is life, no? It still goes on. Grieve accordingly, wallow in it for not one second more than is absolutely necessary, then actively move on to greener pastures with your woman.

If it's any consolation whatsoever, that was a stellar write-up of an extremely personal tragedy and, at the very least, underscores the fact that your balls still work quite well. Otherwise, I hope you and your gal make it through this stronger as a couple.





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posted on 7-4-2015 at 06:59 AM Edit Post Reply With Quote
Wow, dude...wow. That sucks. Reading the thread title (which is kind of a fluke in itself, since I don't visit the Parts Unknown forum on a regular basis, but decided to tonight for the hell of it), I was hoping it would be anything other than what it sounded like. My condolences definitely go out to you and your girlfriend.

And not sure how much this helps, but my mom had a miscarriage during her first pregnancy, but then went on to have three healthy kids. Of course, one of those kids was my brother, OO's own gobbledygooker (who seems to have abandoned the bOOards), but hey, two out of three ain't bad.





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williamssl
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posted on 7-4-2015 at 08:45 AM Edit Post Reply With Quote
Sorry dude. Can't relate and won't pretend to.





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posted on 7-5-2015 at 01:49 AM Edit Post Reply With Quote
It's funny (not this topic) but living in the West like most of us do we have this expectation that you get pregnant, you have a baby, it grows up to be a productive adult, end of story.

Worldwide though, and historically this is far from the case... that having a baby is actually a very hard thing despite it being one of those essential things that we are built for... for as durable as we are, life is pretty fragile.

I'm not trying to be blunt about the pain you are no doubt going through (I can't imagine... I'm one of those realists who sometimes finds comfort in not feeling like I won the shit lottery in life, but who is one of many), but maybe just trying to suggest that like most things in life we maybe have to work at it, and along the way there is going to be pain... but that if it's something that you guys (now? Still?) want then it's worth trying for.... that if it does happen for you guys one day you'll treasure it that much more.

Anyway, I hope this didn't come off as shitty... I'm one of those firmly in the don't want kids camp, but I do have nieces and a nephew who mean the world to me, and my sister did go through this along the way as well right as I was getting excited about it (which is likely just a fraction of what you are going through as I didn't have a horse in the race so to speak)... so I don't have that first hand pain, but I can at least marginally appreciate what it's like to look forward to Christmas morning only to find out the Grinch stole your present.

Whatever you two decide going forward I wish you all the luck, but having seen loved ones go through it and eventually have the baby when trying again, I can tell you the pain is worth the eventual joy.

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posted on 7-5-2015 at 04:03 AM Edit Post Reply With Quote
Condolences to you and Lady Punker on your loss. Just stay strong for her as much as you can and hopefully in time it won't hurt as bad as it probably does right now.





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posted on 7-5-2015 at 07:28 PM Edit Post Reply With Quote
I have no words. Except sorry.





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posted on 7-6-2015 at 12:39 PM Edit Post Reply With Quote
I am sorry for your loss. One of the boys that spent more time at our house than his own, just went though this as well. You need to grieve this, and hopefully this will strengthen your relationship and you both can be happy.





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posted on 7-6-2015 at 10:28 PM Edit Post Reply With Quote
Sorry that happened to you buddy. Just keep on keeping on, and if its meant to happen someday it will and you'll love the shit outta that little fucker.





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denverpunk
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posted on 7-14-2015 at 05:31 AM Edit Post Reply With Quote
Man, I just read this. I have no words, Punker, other than I'm thinking of you and your lady.
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merc
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posted on 7-14-2015 at 11:32 PM Edit Post Reply With Quote
Punker,
I have two kids, would have had three but the middle went the same way yours did. It's more common than folks know, you've learned to contain the excitement until week 11 now. That's why a lot of folks say nothing until then...and why many people never know.

As hard as it is on you, I can guarantee its harder on her. Dust yourself off and know that until you hit week 11 with the next one, she will be carrying a heavy guilt burden. Not a thing will change that, it's wrong but that's the ways of the mothering instinct.

Hang in there, the excitement will come back and it gets better every day.

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posted on 8-4-2015 at 02:42 AM Edit Post Reply With Quote
quote:
Originally posted by Columbo
Sorry that happened to you buddy. Just keep on keeping on, and if its meant to happen someday it will and you'll love the shit outta that little fucker.


This.

Sorry, friend.





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punkerhardcore
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posted on 4-12-2016 at 04:34 PM Edit Post Reply With Quote
Thanks for all the replies everyone, and just wanted to update on this whole saga.

Well... seven weeks after I posted this. seven weeks! She was pregnant again. She couldn't believe it, I couldn't believe it. No way did we think it would happen this quickly. Even our doctor laughed when we had our first appointment and said, "You two don't waste any time, do you?"

Everything was good this time, and the little one had an ETA of June 1. As she got bigger, I got more and more scared, realizing that I don't know what the fuck I'm doing, and really have no business being a father.

We found out it's a girl, which actually I preferred. I know most dudes would want a boy... but I figure between the two of us, she'll love me forever and hate her, so I can live with that.

We attended a few classes, which made me realize that I REALLY don't know what the fuck I'm doing.

So a week ago today, we go to a routine appointment. Just hit 32 weeks, and they wanted to check on a few things. We're sitting in the room waiting for the nurse to run some routine check, and when the nurse comes back, she drops the bombshell--

"Your water broke, you need to get up to labor & delivery right now."

That's sort of when everything became a blur, and I thought I might pass out. Two months early? Are you kidding me? We just moved into our house a month and a half ago. Most everything is still in boxes, we don't even have a crib or a car seat yet.

It was weird... what happened the water didn't totally break, just sprung a leak, so they wanted to stave off delivery as long as possible, to let the little lady keep growing. They transferred us to a different hospital that had a NICU just in case. And we were thankful for that, because the hospital they moved us to was big, and really fucking nice.

Turns out the whole "delay this as long as possible" lasted all of two days, when the doctor told us ready or not, it's time to cesarean this baby out of you. Again, that whole day was a blur of me just trying not to vomit and/or faint.

And as of 17:38 last Thursday, I'm the dad of a little (really little) girl. Which doesn't even seem real. The little miss has been a resident of the NICU since then, hooked up to all sorts of monitors and machines, where she'll have to be for the next 3-4 weeks... BUT the doctors say she's doing pretty damn well, even better than they'd expected.

Still, I've basically been a nervous fucking wreck since then. I wasn't prepared for this two months from now, and I sure as hell wasn't prepared for all this.

Anyhow, like I said in the original post, I don't want this to come off as some lame personal blog, but I don't use social media at all, and I've been here for so long, chatting with you guys for so long, that I just wanted to let you all know!





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posted on 4-12-2016 at 05:06 PM Edit Post Reply With Quote
Congrats!

When are you making your girlfriend an honest woman?

And can I get your daughter a giant glass dildo for her first birthday present?





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punkerhardcore
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posted on 4-12-2016 at 05:21 PM Edit Post Reply With Quote
She's pretty dinky still... not sure they make those in preemie sizes.





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williamssl
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posted on 4-12-2016 at 05:44 PM Edit Post Reply With Quote
Use a Q-Tip or the eraser end of a pencil.

Oh and congrats!





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posted on 4-12-2016 at 05:55 PM Edit Post Reply With Quote
quote:
Originally posted by punkerhardcore

She was pregnant again. She couldn't believe it, I couldn't believe it. No way did we think it would happen this quickly.


At least with the c-section, your lady gets to keep her apparatus intact. Though I might discourage the little one from playing hockey in the future if that info ever gets out.

Regardless...







"...if you ever want to cash some checks in North America you’re going to have to swallow your pride and do some dumb shit from time to time. You just gotta make it the best dumb shit you can." The DooK of New Jersey

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salmonjunkie
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posted on 4-12-2016 at 08:12 PM Edit Post Reply With Quote
awww, congrats, punker!
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merc
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posted on 4-12-2016 at 10:57 PM Edit Post Reply With Quote
Punker, congrats! It goes by fast, I remember bringing my first home and sitting on the TV room floor that night at 3am telling my dog that "this parenting thing is gonna suck" as she howled the entire night.

Boy was I WRONG! My little girl turns 20 this year. Loving every day of it

Enjoy!

[Edited on 4-12-2016 by merc]





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posted on 4-13-2016 at 01:21 PM Edit Post Reply With Quote
Congrats buddy! I'm glad everyone is doing well.





"The North Cafeteria, named after Admiral William North, is located in the western portion of East Hall, gateway to the western half of North Hall, which is named, not after William North, but for its position above the South Wall. It is the most contested and confusing battlefield on Greendale’s campus, next to the English Memorial Spanish Center, named after English Memorial, a Portuguese sailor that discovered Greendale while looking for a fountain that cured syphilis."

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posted on 4-13-2016 at 02:28 PM Edit Post Reply With Quote
Congrats, I think?

My niece had two preemies - one born 3-1/2 months early, the other 6 weeks. Both are fine. I'm sure yours will be fine, too.





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posted on 4-13-2016 at 03:43 PM Edit Post Reply With Quote
1) congrats, and enjoy not getting more than three hours sleep per night for the next eighteen years
2) hopefully mama is doing OK
3) have fun explaining someday why daddy is using "a funny lady with an icicle and the flag" as his avatar on his favourite message board







Well you know, just because these young men have little education and live in squalor, it doesn't entitle them to commit antisocial behaviour and get away with it.

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bigfatgoalie
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posted on 4-13-2016 at 08:20 PM Edit Post Reply With Quote
Congrats on having DNA proof that you really did punk her hardcore!

Just remember as a dad you have two main goals: keep her off the pole, and make sure she knows sports team ______ sucks and sports team _____ is awesome.

Also...what's the kid's name? I'm hoping for Jenna.

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punkerhardcore
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posted on 4-13-2016 at 10:20 PM Edit Post Reply With Quote
Parker Zelda Gutierrez.

Edit... Thanks for all the well wishes everyone, it's still pretty nuts going back and forth to the hospital everyday, but she's doing great so far.

[Edited on 4-13-2016 by punkerhardcore]





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