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Author: Subject: Total Divas Recap - Season 2 Premier - 3/16/14
CCharger
The Man






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posted on 3-18-2014 at 05:02 PM Edit Post Reply With Quote
Total Divas Recap - Season 2 Premier - 3/16/14

Some of you have noticed that I haven’t been posting recently. It has been a really tough few weeks for me personally. Shortly after the Elimination Chamber my dog was diagnosed with testicular cancer. Thank God I check him regularly or we might not have caught it. Then I lost my job at the Kum & Go despite the videotape AND the fire department confirming that the Icee machine catching fire was an accident. Also, it was made apparent to me that corporate considers Lululemon yoga pants and a Megadeth t-shirt “not appropriate workplace attire”. To add insult to injury, the Malaysian jet disappeared and I have been on reddit 24/7 trying to find it. It’s just been really tough.

I also realized that less is more when it comes to posting. I know some will say “Not posting at all is fucking fantastic!” when it comes to me, but I still believe I have things to offer to the bOOards. I just need to pick my spots, and make my comments count.

OK, so yeah, I guess I am recapping again. There was such an outpouring of support for the recaps, and I want to thank the dozens and dozens of people – fine, three - who messaged me asking to recap.

Nevertheless, I still didn’t have my heart in it until CamstunPWG187 said that I reminded him of the “weird fucking kid in school who has like a 2-3 week span of fame when he realizes that he can get attention and ‘fame” by doing weird shit like eating garbage, and kids just keep encouraging him to do it because that’s all he seems good for.” Which made me guffaw when I read it. I mean what better way to troll him than actually eat garbage, right? That’s why I am back recapping Total Divas. If people like Cumstain want to think I am doing this out of some pathetic, juvenile need for attention or affirmation then so be it. I give zero fucks. Frankly, I actually like and respect Cumstain, and I give him a pass because he is Scandinavian and I think he lacks a basic grasp of the language and modern American pop culture references. Also, to be scared off by being called the weird kid would require me to possess both a sense of self-worth and pride, neither of which I have.

Another reason I’m back recapping is to fucking aggravate Von Lampertheim. Most of the criticism and eye-rolling I get from other posters is mostly in good fun, but Von Lap-Your-Taint seems to really have a strong, legitimate dislike for me. Look, I fully realize my posts are more misses than hits, but at least I take my fucking cuts. Outside of your avatar (which admittedly is outstanding) and your epic takedown of me on bOOrdies, what else have you contributed? What interesting, engaging, or provocative posts have you made? I’m hard-pressed to find any. I may be batting ninth, but you’re like the kid who thinks it’s cooler to sit in the bleachers and jeer the home team. Even CamstunPWG187 took a stand and took on the bOOrg collective in the WWE network thread at one point. You want to be the coolest guy on a wrestling message board? Fine. Just remember that’s like being the skinniest kid at fat camp. You’re trying to be like Archie Costello from The Chocolate War, but you just come off like Biff from Back To The Future. So, I kinda feel bad for you, Von Limp-Dick. I will be praying for you. I really will. In the meantime, you can suck a bag of dicks.

Let the garbage eating begin. Here’s your Total Divas recap:

• Show begins with a recap of last season’s highlights.

• Natalya talks about how big Total Divas blew up last year, and she’s not talking about Nikki’s ass

• The show proper begins with the divas arriving at the arena. They have a meeting with Mark From Talent Relations (he has a weird last name). He tells Summer Rae to travel with Eva to be mentored and if things work out they might have a feud with the Bellas.

• Summer is interviewed and talks about being called up. She has an aside with Eva and tells her that she felt all the other divas were giving her the stink eye.

• Brie and Eva chat and Eva tells her that she and her boyfriend have eloped, but her parents don’t know. Nikki walks up and there is awkward silence. Nevertheless, Nikki notices the ring and absolutely loses her shit. She rants about Cena not wanting to get married. While Nikki breaks down like Ophelia in Hamlet, Sandra the seamstress tells Eva she should tell her folks.

• The Bellas gossip about Eva with the Funkadactyls and Natalya.

• Bellas are shown getting ready for their 30th birthday. (This gets me thinking about the Bellas when they are like 75. They are going to look horrendous.) Brie gets a text from Cena telling her to wish Nikki a happy birthday. It’s odd Cena didn’t just text Nikki himself.

• In the limo, Nattie and Nikki talk about Cena. Nikki recaps what we already know: Cena doesn’t want marriage or kids because the wrestling life is no way to raise a family. She is upset, but that won’t stop her from getting blackout drunk!

• At the party, Nattie gets rip-roaring drunk and hits on Ariane’s boyfriend which causes the two to have a scuffle. They step outside, but a cop threatens to arrest them.

• In Orlando, Eva gets a phone call from her mom who wants to come visit. Eva flips her shit because she doesn’t know where to hide her new husband.

• The Bellas are touring some comic book/fantasy convention (maybe Von Limp-wristed Homo can fill us in on which one if he can pull himself away from his quixotic quest to find an uncensored version of Justin Beiber’s urine sample video.) Nikki is walking around being all sad in the feelz because John Cena. Cena shows up and he takes some fan pictures with the Bellas. He and Nikki share an awkward hug. Nikki steals his wallet, and has an orgasm sniffing the credit cards.

• Back in Orlando, Eva Marie is putting the finishing touches on erasing anything of her husband and/or marriage. She hides his clothes, their pictures, his penis pump, and him. As she closes the cardboard box on his head, she whispers that it is for the best, and she just needs time to figure out how to tell her family.

• We then find ourselves in Aberdeen, WA, joining Brie and Bryan who are registering for their wedding. Nikki tags along because having a self-pitying third wheel around is so much fun. Brie feels bad for Nikki while Bryan pretends to be Jesus and attempts to cast out her demon. Nikki says she doesn’t need an exorcism, just time to think. I think she starts crying and leaves. I don’t remember as my cat died at this point in the night.

• The Dactyls and Jon Uso are chilling in the hotel lobby. Nattie joins them. Summer Rae blows past and gives Nattie a very sarcastic, snotty hello. Nattie is shocked and creeped out.

• Nikki and Brie have a heart to heart. Nikki says she is really struggling with her situation with Cena. Brie says she has never seen her sister this unhappy. Brie hints that maybe Nikki will be happier in the long run without Cena. Suddenly, Bryan runs up in a gorilla suit and yells, “THE CHIMP IS HERE!” which makes Nikki start crying again.

• Trinity and Eva have a heart to heart backstage. Trinity urges Eva to be more honest. Eva says she really doesn’t know how to tell her family about the marriage. Trinity again urges Eva to not be such a lying bitch. Eva thanks Trinity and agrees that she needs to come clean.

• Eva brings her family to her apartment. Eva tries to drop hints about her marriage, but her family to too thick to get it. Just then, her husband Jonathan bursts out of the cardboard box in the living room yelling “We married, yooo!”

• Eva’s dad understandably flips his shit. Eva starts crying because her dad looks so sad. They leave wordlessly as Eva cries and Jonathan twerks against the fridge.

• Nikki is at her mom’s place and gets a text from Cena asking her to dinner. She calls Brie and reads her the text. Brie thinks Cena is going to propose because she’s a frigging moron.

• There’s some segment here about the Bellas and Daniel Bryan. I missed it. I was cremating my cat.

• Eva calls her brother and says she feels terrible and wants to make it right. They arrive at the hotel and immediately her brothers start in criticizing her decision. Like, she’s an adult woman, right? Who has to run their choices past their family first? Jonathan is twerking against the car, but managing to blurt out that he loves Eva and that they need to be more understanding. Her dad says that they disrespected the family, and to please fuck off and die in a car fire. Exit family.

• Nikki is waiting for John at a pier in California. As he walks up, she says “Well, I’m here. Where dat big ass ring at?” The show ends before Cena gives her an AA into the ocean.

THOUGHTS:
1. It was weird how they used Natalya this show. The tiff with Arianne wasn’t mentioned again, and they barely teased her problems with Summer Rae.
2. Summer Rae’s character wasn’t developed much at all.
3. Eva’s family is soooo dysfunctional. Maybe she’s related to Von Lampertheim.
4. Nikki is sooo unlikable. It’s one thing to be bitchy. It’s worse to be a bitch who whines about how sad she is.
5. Jon Uso’s gas will apparently not be a main character in the show this season. Shame.

BOTTOMLINE:
Pretty crappy show all around. Very little drama outside of the Nattie/Ariane beef. Eva’s family is almost as horrible as she is. I feel bad for her husband Jonathan. Either way, it will be funny to see the look on Nikki’s face, who is expecting a proposal, when Cena tells her he is now banging Summer Rae, and he wants his Breast Cancer Awareness t-shirt back, please.

[Edited on 3-18-2014 by CCharger]

[Edited on 3-19-2014 by CCharger]





"I don't watch the show, Paul. Why would I watch the show?"

"I hate it when I'm watching along at home and I'm envisioning certain common sense things, and WWE just leaves all that money on the table to do something that will have no result other than send viewers looking for something else."

-- The Rick

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Laruecifer
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posted on 3-18-2014 at 05:29 PM Edit Post Reply With Quote
Thank you.


Sorry for the loss of your cat and impending loss of your dog, and my wife looks good in lululemon pants.

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CCharger
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posted on 3-18-2014 at 05:34 PM Edit Post Reply With Quote
Thanks.

I thought I looked good in Lululemon pants too. Kum & Go disagreed.





"I don't watch the show, Paul. Why would I watch the show?"

"I hate it when I'm watching along at home and I'm envisioning certain common sense things, and WWE just leaves all that money on the table to do something that will have no result other than send viewers looking for something else."

-- The Rick

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DevilSoprano
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posted on 3-18-2014 at 05:46 PM Edit Post Reply With Quote




And I still say as unlikable as Nikki may be, I now hate Nattie way more than her.

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punkerhardcore
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posted on 3-18-2014 at 05:48 PM Edit Post Reply With Quote
I don't watch the show, so elaborate on what Nattie did to make herself so vile.

Also, fucking thank you, CCharger. Now I won't campaign for your banning!





Is everyone mad here?
Of course they are, and you are too... otherwise, you wouldn't have come here.

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CamstunPWG187
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posted on 3-18-2014 at 05:53 PM Edit Post Reply With Quote
I was totally ready to back out of this topic without nary a word being said nor read (just wanted to know you were back to doing what you do best), but then I saw you mention my name and decided to read your insightful analysis of how I am Scandenavian or whatever and lack a grasp of basic Russian language.

I and am now gonna continue on with my impressions of The Wonderful 101 for Nintendo's fledgling console, the Wii U.

So yeah, i'm about 2 hours into this game right now and it's just non-stop action. Holy shit, it's like every single one of Nintendo's mascots had a drunken party, ate an ounce of mushrooms (each), and then had a dream about anime superheroes.

I have come across the first two real bosses, and they are as epic and badass as you can ever really get in a game like this. The first was a giant robot colossus who I had to construct a bridge from one hand to the other in order to take him apart with the Wonderful Red's fist/grip power, and then he ran off like a total pussy and apparently I only accumulated 30% damage on him. Holy shit, i'm looking forward to finishing that asshole off.

Then I came across a robot pirate boss with a bigger sword than my penis (and my penis isn't even big, but still, it was HUGE!), and I fought him on a baseball diamond as he brough along a giant cannon monster with him to help him win the game. Unfortunately, there was no actual game of baseball being played, so once I stomped some more asshole, the pussy got a phone call from headquarters and bailed, leaving me to fuck with his cannon monster. All of a sudden, a gigantic baseball bat not unlike the size my penis (when i'm dreaming) appeared. So I picked it up, and started acting like the machine's body was a girl's face, but it wasn't doing anything. I had to back up (and if there is one thing I hate doing, it's realizing I have to RESIST physical activity with another piece of matter, and I was always taught by Dennis that you should never let RESISTANCE get in-between you and what you want), and start swinging at his giant balls he was shooting at me, which I knocked right back into his face, all for a big ole victory.

If you have played this game, you will know that I am not making this shit up.

Also, the third Superhero you come across is a fat French man who gives you the power of turning your whole army into a giant fucking gun, that can also suck up other bombs and shoot them right back at enemies.

Holy shit, this game is totally boss and/or tits.

I sure hope this boner I have from writing about it goes down. Oh well, time to put on that Brazzers scene with Madison Ivy as a nurse. She takes a real nice plowing in that one.

Word.

[Edited on 3-18-2014 by CamstunPWG187]

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CCharger
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posted on 3-18-2014 at 06:13 PM Edit Post Reply With Quote
"Insightful Analysis" is my middle name, sir.





"I don't watch the show, Paul. Why would I watch the show?"

"I hate it when I'm watching along at home and I'm envisioning certain common sense things, and WWE just leaves all that money on the table to do something that will have no result other than send viewers looking for something else."

-- The Rick

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Wickedfrost
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posted on 3-18-2014 at 07:00 PM Edit Post Reply With Quote
I read it through.

Then I read it again.

I hit Control-F and typed in Kidman.

0 Results.

Sadness.





And my father said
When I was younger
Hard times breed better men

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Flash
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posted on 3-19-2014 at 12:34 AM Edit Post Reply With Quote
What I took from this re-cap is that not even Eve expects her family to watch this stuff...

You should do some gay porn CC', if you are this willing to plough through this much shit for the amusement of guys who like to watch sweaty oiled up men wrestle you could probably make a killing.

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Count Zero
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posted on 3-19-2014 at 07:17 AM Edit Post Reply With Quote
Can this be "Thread of the Year"? Mabey?

Also, I'm perfectly ready to believe Daniel Bryan In Gorilla Suit =really happened=. That's how crazy-go-nuts this show looks. Reality TV is off the chain, yo!

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dxlevy72
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posted on 3-19-2014 at 12:50 PM Edit Post Reply With Quote
quote:
Originally posted by CCharger
• Show begins with a recap of last season’s highlights.



I didn't read anything prior to this line carefully, but then I paused at this line and read it several times, all in an effort to persuade myself that the episode did not begin with Big Show providing a recap. Once I persuaded myself that that was so, I went back to reading inattentively.

[Edited on 3-19-2014 by dxlevy72]

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CCharger
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posted on 3-19-2014 at 12:52 PM Edit Post Reply With Quote
quote:
Originally posted by Flash

You should do some gay porn CC', if you are this willing to plough through this much shit for the amusement of guys who like to watch sweaty oiled up men wrestle you could probably make a killing.


No, thank you.

I would rather pour molten glass into my rectum.





"I don't watch the show, Paul. Why would I watch the show?"

"I hate it when I'm watching along at home and I'm envisioning certain common sense things, and WWE just leaves all that money on the table to do something that will have no result other than send viewers looking for something else."

-- The Rick

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CamstunPWG187
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posted on 3-19-2014 at 01:54 PM Edit Post Reply With Quote
Pouring Molten Lava into my pee hole actually sounds more appealing. You know how people stick a bunch of grapes into their mouth to see how many can fit? I would play a game of sticking 3 inch pieces of barbed wire into my asshole if I had to choose between that or watching this show in a life-or-death situation. Obviously, you must be smarter than me.

Anyways, back to the Wonderful 101

I started again, and this time the chapter was comprised of a near 20-minute boss fight against a 3-eyed Robot Dragon creature, manned by the same douchebag Robot Pirate guy I mentioned previously.

The fight went on like a game of Panzer Dragoon, and just as crazy. I was dodging flaming hot turds/fire breath as well as weird blobs with red nuclei (nucleus's) in the middle. I died here, a lot. Then I finally got into a mixture of real-time cutscenes mixed with actual fighting of said Robot Dragon Master Robot, and it culminated with me taking down the giant Robot Dragon as we fell down what must have been a 1,000,000 story building, culminating in me using my Unite Sword to cut the motherfucking Pirate Robot Master in half.

Then I fought some dude who spoke some Eurotrash accent and possessed the ability to do the same exact shit my team and I can do, like making Unite Weapons and such. We had a lengthy discussion about the story and it seemed like my team was wearing thin with this bullshit and wanted more action, and naturally, like any good pussy, he bailed after I brought his HP down to zero. Fag.

Moving on to the next chapter, I came across a new Wonderful One (superhero) who is a girl who totally gets gangbanged at parties, after parties, and the the after after parties, and she naturally possessed the whip ability, because she probably takes it hard. Anyways, once I got this ability, the fucking Robot Colossus finally appeared again and chased me through a building. Then he picked the building up as I was in it and continued to rotate it as I had to jump across windows on each side of the building as they were falling down. Real talk.

Then I hijacked an enemy aircraft, and proceeded to use the Wii U gamepad screen to move my characters over corresponding arrows to navigate myself on the television, blowing shit up and then finally arriving on top of a nearby building for safety. I fought a tank who's only weakness is my whip ability as he rained down on me with mine testicles that are only weak against either my gun (which sucks up mines and shoots them back) or the whip (which I can use to grab and throw back at the enemy, cause whips rock). After this, I collected some nearby platinum coins, went down a water slide, and saved my game.

Because kids in school need to learn English.

That's how I spent my free time today

Thank you for YOUR time. I hope I wasted at least 67 seconds of it.

[Edited on 3-19-2014 by CamstunPWG187]

[Edited on 3-19-2014 by CamstunPWG187]

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Thom
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posted on 3-19-2014 at 02:03 PM Edit Post Reply With Quote
quote:
Originally posted by CCharger
No, thank you.

I would rather pour molten glass into my rectum.



There's probably a fetish for that.



Oh, and "THE CHIMP IS HERE!"





#GLENNSURVIVESLOL - Cherokee Jack, from TWD Season 6 thread

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Columbo
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posted on 3-19-2014 at 02:18 PM Edit Post Reply With Quote
Thanks for doing the recaps, but can we maybe use some spaces in between the bullet points? Its like you've been possessed by Dom.





"The North Cafeteria, named after Admiral William North, is located in the western portion of East Hall, gateway to the western half of North Hall, which is named, not after William North, but for its position above the South Wall. It is the most contested and confusing battlefield on Greendale’s campus, next to the English Memorial Spanish Center, named after English Memorial, a Portuguese sailor that discovered Greendale while looking for a fountain that cured syphilis."

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CCharger
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posted on 3-19-2014 at 02:30 PM Edit Post Reply With Quote
Fixed.





"I don't watch the show, Paul. Why would I watch the show?"

"I hate it when I'm watching along at home and I'm envisioning certain common sense things, and WWE just leaves all that money on the table to do something that will have no result other than send viewers looking for something else."

-- The Rick

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CamstunPWG187
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posted on 3-19-2014 at 02:41 PM Edit Post Reply With Quote
CCharger gives Zero fucks.
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Big Bank Hank
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posted on 3-19-2014 at 05:39 PM Edit Post Reply With Quote
quote:
Originally posted by CCharger
quote:
Originally posted by Flash

You should do some gay porn CC', if you are this willing to plough through this much shit for the amusement of guys who like to watch sweaty oiled up men wrestle you could probably make a killing.


No, thank you.

I would rather pour molten glass into my rectum.


I'd pay to see this... while masturbating. Sounds like gay porn to me!

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Ecosystem
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posted on 3-20-2014 at 01:55 AM Edit Post Reply With Quote
quote:
Trinity urges Eva to be more honest. Eva says she really doesn’t know how to tell her family about the marriage. Trinity again urges Eva to not be such a lying bitch.


I don't know why, but I totally lost it here, on the quiet car on Amtrak. The deadpan really gets me.






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Dominator
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posted on 3-20-2014 at 03:53 AM Edit Post Reply With Quote
I lost it in the break room at the pouring of molten liquid into various nether regions.





I do NOT love RKO, you sarcastic bastards.
"There are no politics in WWE." - Stephanie McMahon
"BWAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAAHAHAAA!!!" - Me

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Wickedfrost
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posted on 3-20-2014 at 07:38 PM Edit Post Reply With Quote
At the end of the opening rant I was half expecting Jim Rome to pop in and rack him.





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blazeofglory
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posted on 3-20-2014 at 07:51 PM Edit Post Reply With Quote
I lost it at the part where Charger says that he routinely squeezes his dog's nut sack.

Seriously, though, sorry to hear about your dog. Hope he gets though it all ok.





Screw you guys, I'm going home.

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Matte
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posted on 3-20-2014 at 08:49 PM Edit Post Reply With Quote
quote:
Originally posted by Thom
quote:
Originally posted by CCharger
No, thank you.

I would rather pour molten glass into my rectum.



There's probably a fetish for that.

http://www.1man1jar.org/





"I'm a professional. I know exactly what I'm doing." - Jeff Hardy 2010

ULTIMATE COMMENTATOR SHOWDOWN!

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vonLampertheim
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posted on 3-21-2014 at 03:53 AM Edit Post Reply With Quote
quote:
Originally posted by CCharger
I also realized that less is more when it comes to posting . . . I just need to pick my spots, and make my comments count.



In your own special and unique Corky-esque way, you're a part of this community now and I'm glad to see you doing this again in light of the introspective comments above. And while I don't have any personal animosity towards you or Camstun, as you both have a propensity for self-immolation don't be surprised when people break out the marshmallows when you set yourselves alight.

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gordiano
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posted on 3-21-2014 at 04:58 AM Edit Post Reply With Quote
God bless you CCharger. My life is worth living again!
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