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Author: Subject: bad jokes
atothej
The Great One






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posted on 10-6-2011 at 03:58 PM Edit Post Reply With Quote
A flight over the ocean has engine failure and the pilot comes on the loudspeaker to tell the passengers to prepare for an ocean landing. People get very quiet and brace themselves for the impact, but one beautiful woman stands up and says: "Are any of you on this flight man enough to make me feel like a woman one last time before we crash?" After a beat, a middle-aged guy gets up, takes off his shirt, throws it to the woman and says "sure, iron that."

A hot blonde walks into a bar dressed to the nines- low cut top, skin-tight mini-skirt, six inch heels, etc. The bartender looks at her and says, "looks like someone's getting laid tonight!" The blond replies, "what makes you think that?" and the bartender says "because I'm stronger than you."

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joerizal
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posted on 10-7-2011 at 12:47 PM Edit Post Reply With Quote
From "Good Will Hunting". And I know someone has posted this on a thread here in OO. Still, this always makes me laugh.

quote:
You know, I was on this plane once, and I’m sittin there, and the captain gets on and does his whole you know “we’ll be cruising at 35,000 feet,” but then he put puts the mic down and forgets to turn it off. And he turns to the co-pilot and he’s like “you know, all I could use right now is a fuckin’ blow job and a cup of coffee.” So the stewardess goes fuckin’ bombing up from the back of the plane to tell him that his microphone’s still on and this guy in the back of the plane’s like “hey hun, don't forget the coffee!”






my av is a burger.

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punkerhardcore
American Dream






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posted on 10-16-2011 at 04:13 PM Edit Post Reply With Quote
Two guys walk into a bar. The first says, "I'll have some H2O." The second says, "I'll have some H2O too."

The second guy died.





Is everyone mad here?
Of course they are, and you are too... otherwise, you wouldn't have come here.

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gobbledygooker
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posted on 10-17-2011 at 01:43 PM Edit Post Reply With Quote
Science joke!





"Hulk Hogan have the sex with some dumb bitch on the TV. The girl smart if she make the $$ from his bald ass but she also desperate to have sex with the howdy doody like Hulk Hogan. He worse than Mel Gibson and I think now %10000 he prove he have grasshopper dick and raisin balls." - The Iron Sheik

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Thom
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posted on 10-17-2011 at 02:31 PM Edit Post Reply With Quote
I was wondering who else got it. And why.





#GLENNSURVIVESLOL - Cherokee Jack, from TWD Season 6 thread

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gobbledygooker
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posted on 10-17-2011 at 02:56 PM Edit Post Reply With Quote
You never know when those 6th grade chemistry classes will come in handy.

Though, truth be told, I can't even remember what H202 is off the top of my head. Just that it can kill you. Since all jokes are based 100% in reality.

EDIT - Oh and a joke -

Tex's mom walks into her local sex toy store to browse their selection. After looking for 20 minutes, she finally settles on a nice big one in a shiny glass box. When she brings the clerk over to tell him the one she wants, he takes a look and says, "Ma'am, that's the fire extinguisher."

[Edited on 10-17-2011 by gobbledygooker]





"Hulk Hogan have the sex with some dumb bitch on the TV. The girl smart if she make the $$ from his bald ass but she also desperate to have sex with the howdy doody like Hulk Hogan. He worse than Mel Gibson and I think now %10000 he prove he have grasshopper dick and raisin balls." - The Iron Sheik

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salmonjunkie
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posted on 10-17-2011 at 04:44 PM Edit Post Reply With Quote
What do you get when you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?

Pumpkin Pi

[Edited on 10-17-2011 by salmonjunkie]






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Thom
The Immortal One






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posted on 10-17-2011 at 05:10 PM Edit Post Reply With Quote
H2O2 is hydrogen peroxide.




What's a tachyon?
A gluon that didn't dry.

A neutron walked into a bar and asked, "How much for a drink?"
The bartender replied, "No charge."

What did the particle accelerator say to the nuclear physicist?
"I've got my ion U."





#GLENNSURVIVESLOL - Cherokee Jack, from TWD Season 6 thread

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mooseheadjack







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posted on 10-17-2011 at 06:40 PM Edit Post Reply With Quote
two guys walked into a bar, the third one ducked.





My personal fuck-off list: 1. Tony Romo 2. Eli Manning 3. The New York Yankees 4. LeBron James 5. Kobe Bryant 6. SEC Fans 7. The SEC 8. the Political Right 9. religion 10. Almost everything the WWE does

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Paddlefoot
Rocco Rock of Jabroni






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posted on 10-23-2011 at 10:23 AM Edit Post Reply With Quote
Don't you hate it when you panic afterwards and end up accidentally killing the hOOker?





Hey bitches! Screw ALL of you! - heel Bayley, Oct 11 2019

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gobbledygooker
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posted on 11-5-2011 at 07:15 PM Edit Post Reply With Quote
How do you make a dead baby float?

Two scoops of ice cream, two scoops of dead baby.





"Hulk Hogan have the sex with some dumb bitch on the TV. The girl smart if she make the $$ from his bald ass but she also desperate to have sex with the howdy doody like Hulk Hogan. He worse than Mel Gibson and I think now %10000 he prove he have grasshopper dick and raisin balls." - The Iron Sheik

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salmonjunkie
Best There Is Was or Ever Will Be






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posted on 11-5-2011 at 08:49 PM Edit Post Reply With Quote
Three blondes are at the doctor's office, when it becomes apparent to each of them that all three are pregnant. One blond asks the other, do you know if it's a boy or girl? She answers "Well, I was on top, so I'm having a boy! How about you?" The second one says "I was on bottom, so I'm having a girl!" The third one says "I'm having puppies!"






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williamssl
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posted on 11-5-2011 at 11:56 PM Edit Post Reply With Quote
page 1, dude:

quote:
Originally posted by Thom
Three pregnant blondes are talking about their babies.

The first says, "I'm having a boy - because I was on the bottom."

The second says, "I'm having a girl - because I was on top."

The third says, "I'm having a puppy."






Don't Mess With Texas

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Ron Bennington worshiper
ButtViper






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posted on 11-6-2011 at 01:14 PM Edit Post Reply With Quote
What's green and has 40 tits?



The dumpster behind Sloan-Kettering.

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doctorb
Man of a Thousand Holds






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posted on 2-1-2012 at 10:58 PM Edit Post Reply With Quote
2 men are standing on a golf course waiting for a woman to tee off. She pulls out her driver and hits the ball 10 feet. She walks over to it, swings, and hacks it another 10 feet.
The frustrated woman looks up and says, "I guess all those fucking lessons I took didn't help at all!"
"Well, that's the problem," says one of the men. "You should have taken golf lessons instead."





The "B" is for Bargain!

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sszanto
And I am AWESOME






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posted on 2-7-2012 at 05:42 PM Edit Post Reply With Quote
quote:
Originally posted by salmonjunkie
What do you call a musician who just got dumped by his girlfriend?
Homeless.



One of my favorites!







What do you call someone that hangs-out with musicians?
The Drummer.





I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means 'put down'. -Bob Newhart

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tat2djunk
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posted on 2-10-2012 at 05:08 AM Edit Post Reply With Quote
what do you get when you set a baby on fire?

an erection
==
How do you get a dog to quit humping your leg?

Pick him up and suck his dick!
==
How can you tell if your roommate's gay?

His cock tastes like ass.
==
How do you make a little boy cry twice?

Wipe the blood off your dick with his teddy bear.

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gobbledygooker
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posted on 2-17-2012 at 09:51 PM Edit Post Reply With Quote
What's brown and in a box on Valentine's Day?

Whitney Houston




Too soon?





"Hulk Hogan have the sex with some dumb bitch on the TV. The girl smart if she make the $$ from his bald ass but she also desperate to have sex with the howdy doody like Hulk Hogan. He worse than Mel Gibson and I think now %10000 he prove he have grasshopper dick and raisin balls." - The Iron Sheik

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Thom
The Immortal One






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posted on 2-17-2012 at 10:51 PM Edit Post Reply With Quote
Awww,


I LOLed.





#GLENNSURVIVESLOL - Cherokee Jack, from TWD Season 6 thread

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williamssl
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posted on 2-17-2012 at 10:57 PM Edit Post Reply With Quote
What’s six inches long and won’t be getting sucked on Valentines day?
Whitney Houstons crack pipe.



What have a spider and Whitney Houston got in common?
Both are black and can’t get out the bath.



Candlelight vigil for Whitney






Don't Mess With Texas

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williamssl
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posted on 3-29-2012 at 10:33 PM Edit Post Reply With Quote
What do you call Trayvon Martin in a suit?
Dearly departed





And THAT'S why you don't bring Skittles to a gunfight.





Don't Mess With Texas

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williamssl
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posted on 3-30-2012 at 03:25 PM Edit Post Reply With Quote






Don't Mess With Texas

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gobbledygooker
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posted on 4-13-2012 at 09:53 PM Edit Post Reply With Quote
+1





"Hulk Hogan have the sex with some dumb bitch on the TV. The girl smart if she make the $$ from his bald ass but she also desperate to have sex with the howdy doody like Hulk Hogan. He worse than Mel Gibson and I think now %10000 he prove he have grasshopper dick and raisin balls." - The Iron Sheik

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Paddlefoot
Rocco Rock of Jabroni






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posted on 5-13-2012 at 09:29 AM Edit Post Reply With Quote
An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

"Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, Given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?"

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters,

"No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."





Hey bitches! Screw ALL of you! - heel Bayley, Oct 11 2019

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doctorb
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posted on 9-28-2013 at 05:52 PM Edit Post Reply With Quote
Wow, read joke, thought about this thread, and I have to go back to 2011 to find it? Doesn't seem like that long ago.

Anyway:

An electron is driving down a motorway, and a policeman pulls him over. The policeman says: “Sir, do you realise you were travelling at 130km per hour?” The electron goes: “Oh great, now I’m lost.”


A programmer’s wife tells him: “Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen.” The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.





The "B" is for Bargain!

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