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Author: Subject: bad jokes
Biff_Manly
Man of a Thousand Holds






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posted on 9-27-2011 at 08:19 PM Edit Post Reply With Quote
Skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little man staring at him, he looks down and says: '7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pounds of testicles, Turner Brown.' The little guy faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says, 'What's wrong with you?' In a weak voice the little guy says, 'What EXACTLY did you say to me?' The big dude says, 'I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each and my name is Turner Brown.' The little guy says: 'Turner Brown?! Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, "Turn around".





"Walter: I can solve everything by making this gramophone have sex with time."
--SCSA's Fringe on Ice Holiday Spectacular.

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doctorb
Man of a Thousand Holds






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posted on 9-27-2011 at 09:51 PM Edit Post Reply With Quote
"Bend over."

"Ben? Nice to meet you, Victor Hugo."





The "B" is for Bargain!

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salmonjunkie
Best There Is Was or Ever Will Be






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posted on 9-27-2011 at 11:34 PM Edit Post Reply With Quote
A white guy is in his honeymoon in Jamaica. At the beginning of his trip, he had his wife's name tattooed on his penis. When erect, it says "Wendy", and when flaccid, it says "WY". Anyhow, he went to the bathroom at his resort where there's a troth instead of urinals. He happens to glance over at the jamiacan guy next to him and notices that he also has "WY" tattooed on his penis. Hyped about this amazing coincidence, he says "Dude, you got a wife named Wendy too?" The jamaican says, "No, mon. Mine says 'Welcome to Jamaica and have a nice day!'"






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doctorb
Man of a Thousand Holds






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posted on 9-29-2011 at 03:24 PM Edit Post Reply With Quote
Kid is sitting on his front stoop eating 6 candy bars. He's got one in each hand, 2 empty wrappers on one side, and 2 more candy bars on the other. A man walks by and is appalled. He approaches the child and says, "You're going to regret eating that way. Even if you don't get sick right away, you're setting yourself up for diabetes and blood pressure problems and kidney problems!"

The kid looks up and says, "Sir, I don't want to be rude but my grandfather lived to be 104 years old and still had as good a memory as ever."

The man says, "Oh, and he ate 6 candy bars a day, too?"

The kid says, "No. He minded his own fucking business."





The "B" is for Bargain!

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salmonjunkie
Best There Is Was or Ever Will Be






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posted on 9-29-2011 at 04:37 PM Edit Post Reply With Quote
What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?

One is white, made of plastic, and unsafe for children to play with. The other holds groceries.






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denverpunk
The Great One






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posted on 9-29-2011 at 05:55 PM Edit Post Reply With Quote
You all get two today!

What do Michael Jackson and caviar have in common? They both come on little white crackers.

A priest and a rabbi are walking down the street and they see a little boy across the way. The priest nudges the rabbi and says, "Hey, let's fuck this little kid!" Then the rabbi shrugs and says, "Out of what?"

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williamssl
Steers and Queers






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posted on 9-29-2011 at 07:14 PM Edit Post Reply With Quote
I like two-fer days!


Why did the feminist cross the road?
To suck my dick.



What,s the difference between acne and a pedophile?
Acne doesn't come on your face until you're twelve.


edit: three-fer!

What is 12 inches long and makes a woman moan all night?
Sudden Infant Death Syndrome.





[Edited on 9-29-2011 by williamssl]





Don't Mess With Texas

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punkerhardcore
American Dream






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posted on 9-29-2011 at 07:30 PM Edit Post Reply With Quote
A guy is talking to his friend about how he's getting bored having sex with his wife. So his friend says, "Why don't you try flipping her over, and fucking her in her other hole?" And the guy says, "No way... I don't want to get her pregnant."





Is everyone mad here?
Of course they are, and you are too... otherwise, you wouldn't have come here.

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gobbledygooker
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posted on 9-29-2011 at 07:41 PM Edit Post Reply With Quote
I just want to say that I've integrated many of these jokes into my day-to-day life and gotten many great laughs. This thread is great.

Why do black people always have sex on their mind?

Because they have pubic hair on their head.





"Hulk Hogan have the sex with some dumb bitch on the TV. The girl smart if she make the $$ from his bald ass but she also desperate to have sex with the howdy doody like Hulk Hogan. He worse than Mel Gibson and I think now %10000 he prove he have grasshopper dick and raisin balls." - The Iron Sheik

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salmonjunkie
Best There Is Was or Ever Will Be






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posted on 9-29-2011 at 09:07 PM Edit Post Reply With Quote
Why are black people so tall?
Cuz they knee grows!

(4th grade, y'all!)

What do you do when a musician rings your doorbell?
Pay for the pizza.

What do you call a musician who just got dumped by his girlfriend?
Homeless.

A down-and-out black man is going through a dumpster when he finds a lamp. He begins to polish the lamp and a genie pops out. The genie says "I shall give you two wishes!" The guy says "Only two?" The genie says "Yes, I'm racist, so you only get two." The guy shrugs, "always gotta put the black man down, huh?" but relents. "I have my two wishes. #1 - I want to be white. And #2 - I want to be up in some pussy all the time." The genie waves his hand and POOOF!, turns the guy into a tampon.






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Paddlefoot
Rocco Rock of Jabroni






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posted on 9-29-2011 at 09:11 PM Edit Post Reply With Quote
Why are black guys always holdin' and grabbin' their dicks?

Because it'd be impolite to let them drag on the ground behind them. [/tripod]





Hey bitches! Screw ALL of you! - heel Bayley, Oct 11 2019

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joerizal
Showstopper






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posted on 9-30-2011 at 08:05 AM Edit Post Reply With Quote
An Indian, a Mexican and an American are onboard a sinking ship.

The Indian throws sacks of curry off the ship, and says, "It's okay. There are lots more curry in India".

The Mexican throws crates of beans off the ship, and says, "It's okay. There are lots more beans in Mexico".

After thinking for a second, the American pushes the Indian and the Mexican off the ship, and says, "It's okay. There are lots more Indians and Mexicans in America".





my av is a burger.

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futurelegend91
Creepy Little Bastard






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posted on 9-30-2011 at 12:00 PM Edit Post Reply With Quote
How do you get a Nigerian to jump off a cliff?

Throw a cookie.



How do you babysit a black kid?

Wet his lips and stick him to a mirror.

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Ron Bennington worshiper
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posted on 9-30-2011 at 01:10 PM Edit Post Reply With Quote
How many black people does it take to pave a road?


Two if you slice them really thin.

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williamssl
Steers and Queers






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posted on 9-30-2011 at 08:24 PM Edit Post Reply With Quote
Pretty sad state of wrestling affairs when this thread is getting more action than the weekly wrestling show threads....




A guy goes to the bar and says to his friend "You won't believe what happened. I was taking a shortcut along the railway track, and I found a girl tied to it. I untied her, and then we had sex over and over again, all the positions, everything."

His friend replies, "That's great! Did you get a blow job?"

"Oh, no. I never found her head."






How did the nun lose her virginity?

She was raped





Whats black and blue and scared of me?

The 8 year old in my closet





Don't Mess With Texas

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Paddlefoot
Rocco Rock of Jabroni






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posted on 9-30-2011 at 09:12 PM Edit Post Reply With Quote
Jack and Jill went up the hill
Each with a buck-and-a-quarter
Jill came down with $2.50
That fuckin' whore!

or

Jack and Jill went up the hill
Jill came down with a load of man-gunk all over her face
That fuckin' whore!





Hey bitches! Screw ALL of you! - heel Bayley, Oct 11 2019

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Matte
"Family Man"






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posted on 10-1-2011 at 04:39 AM Edit Post Reply With Quote
A gorilla walks into a bar and orders a banana martini. The bartender thinks this is a little peculiar and then becomes aware that he is actually dreaming. He wakes up and begins to tell his wife about the ridiculous dream he had. His wife just ignores him, then the man rolls over and begins to sob because he realizes his marriage is in shambles.



[Edited on 10-1-2011 by Matte]





"I'm a professional. I know exactly what I'm doing." - Jeff Hardy 2010

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Katie Vick killer
The Rowdy One






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posted on 10-1-2011 at 04:16 PM Edit Post Reply With Quote
How do you fit 100 jews in a small car? Two in the front, two in the back and 96 in the ash tray.

Why did the pervert cross the road? His dick was stuck in the chicken.

Why did the rooster go to the public toilet? He was told that's where all the big cocks hang out.

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gobbledygooker
Sister Act 2






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posted on 10-1-2011 at 10:46 PM Edit Post Reply With Quote
Tex, Matte, and CiG are all sleeping in bed, Matte in the middle. They wake up the next morning and Tex and CiG each say they had the most amazing dreams where they were getting the best handjobs. Matte says that's weird, he had a dream he was skiing.





"Hulk Hogan have the sex with some dumb bitch on the TV. The girl smart if she make the $$ from his bald ass but she also desperate to have sex with the howdy doody like Hulk Hogan. He worse than Mel Gibson and I think now %10000 he prove he have grasshopper dick and raisin balls." - The Iron Sheik

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The Riot Act
Hot, Spicy, ICHIBAN!!!






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posted on 10-2-2011 at 12:10 PM Edit Post Reply With Quote
I love this thread. Here's a few more. Most of these I stole from Gilbert Gottfried's "Dirty Jokes" special.


A man goes to a whore house. He's only got $2. They say "Well, go up to the room, we've got a dead hooker." The man says "OK" and goes upstairs.

He comes back down a little while later and they ask him "So, how was it?" He says "It was fantastic. The only problem was that her nose kept running."

They say "Ah, she's probably full."


What do a gynecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common?

They can both smell it but can't eat it.


A man goes to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor examines him and says "I've got bad news. You've got cancer and Alzheimer's."

The man says "Thank god I don't have cancer!"


A woman goes to the gynecologist. He examines her and says "What a hole! What a hole!"

The woman says "You didn't have to say it twice", to which the doctor replies "It was an echo!"


A man goes up to his wife and hands her two Aspirin and a glass of water. She says "What are these for? I don't have a headache."

The man says "Good! Let's fuck!"


Dracula walks into a bar and orders a glass of hot water. He sits down, takes a tampon out of his pocket and starts dipping it in the water. The bartender looks at him and says "What are you doing?"

Dracula says "I'm making tea."


How do you get a gay guy to fuck a woman?

Fill her pussy with shit.


Three gay guys are in a hot tub. All of a sudden a big blob of cum shoots to the surface. One gay guy turns and says to the other two "OK, who farted?"

[Edited on 10-2-2011 by The Riot Act]

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Flash
The Immortal One






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posted on 10-2-2011 at 11:23 PM Edit Post Reply With Quote
Wow, some of those jokes take me back...

I had to google a few of these to jog my memory and along the way just stole a few.

How do you sink a Polish submarine?
Knock on the door.

What do you do if you wake up in the middle of the night and find your TV floating?
Turn on the lights and shoot the N*****.

The NFL is thinking of making all football's green -
They figure there's no chance a black guy will ever fumble something that looks like a water mellon.

A black guy is riding his bike along side a hiway when he gets a flat tire. A kindly truck driver carrying a load of bowling balls stops to offer him a ride, but says that due to insurance reasons he'll have to ride in the back. The guy agree's and hops in the back. A little further down the road they see another black guy carrying a TV who's hitching a ride. The driver offers him the same ride and he too hops in the back. A little further down the road some cops pull the driver over and one of them decides to search the back of the truck; He calls out to his partner - "hey, you gotta come see this... he's got a truck full of N**** eggs, and some of them have already hatched and started stealing".

A local cop near the edge of an Indian reserve tells a couple of hunters who've had a poor day of hunting that around these parts it legal to hunt and shoot indians. The next morning the two hunters wake up and decide to do some hunting on the reserve. Driving along they see an indian guy carrying a case of beer back onto the reserve when they shoot him, and then throw him and the case of beer in the back of their truck. Driving back they suddenly find themselves pulled over and arrested by the same local cop. They both wonder out loud what they did to justify being arrested as they only did what the cop told them they could do... The cop replies: "I said you could hunt them" pointing at the case of beer, "but its illegal to use bait."

How do you start a Jewish stampede?
Roll a penny down a hill.

Why is there cotton in asperin bottles?
To remind Blacks that they picked cotton before they sold drugs.

What do you call two black guys laying down in the street;
Skid marks.

What do you call a black hooker with braces?
A black and decker pecker wrecker.

What do you say to a black guy in a suit?
Will the defendent please rise.

What's positive about Africans?
HIV

What's the difference between a black guy with a job and Big Foot?
People have seen Big foot.

A black kid is so depressed at his color that he whitewashes himself to see what it's like. He walks in to show his mom and gets a smack round the ear for his trouble. Hurt but determined he goes to see his dad and show him, and gets the beating of his life. After fleeing the house he sits on a park bench, crying. An old lady comes over and asks, "What's the matter sonny?" The kid replies, "I've only been white for half an hour and I hate those black bastards already!"

What do you call a Harlem abortion clinic?
Crime stoppers.

What's it called when the police shoot a balck guy?
"He had a gun"

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futurelegend91
Creepy Little Bastard






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posted on 10-3-2011 at 11:57 AM Edit Post Reply With Quote
This one comes from the fine officers of the Texas Highway Patrol...

Why are Mexicans like cue balls?
The harder you hit them, the more English you get out of them.

ETA: I just noticed that this is my 35th post in four years! Self high five for being the most useless poster on the OO forums today!

[Edited on 10-3-2011 by futurelegend91]

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williamssl
Steers and Queers






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posted on 10-4-2011 at 09:00 PM Edit Post Reply With Quote
A little girl is watching her mommy getting changed to go out for the evening.
“What are they?” she asked.
“Those are mommy’s breasts,” the mother replied.
“Will I get those?” came the next question.
“When you’re a little older,” answered the girl’s mother.
“And what is that?” the little girl asked.
“That’s mommy’s vagina,” the mother answered, a little embarrassed.
“When will I get that?”
“That will happen at around the same time you get your breasts. Now run along and let mommy change.”
The little girl ran off into the next room where her father was getting changed out of his work clothes to relax for the evening.
“What’s that thing, daddy?” asked the little girl.
“That’s daddy’s penis,” he answered.
“When will I get one of those?” the little girl asked.
“In about an hour.”





Don't Mess With Texas

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punkerhardcore
American Dream






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posted on 10-4-2011 at 09:24 PM Edit Post Reply With Quote
Little girl is in a barber shop, eating a snack cake and watching her dad get a haircut. She drops her cake and the barber tells her, "Careful dear, you're gonna get hair on your twinkie." And the girl replies, "I know... and I'm gonna get boobs, too."





Is everyone mad here?
Of course they are, and you are too... otherwise, you wouldn't have come here.

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salmonjunkie
Best There Is Was or Ever Will Be






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posted on 10-5-2011 at 03:28 AM Edit Post Reply With Quote
What's a blonde's pick up line?
"I'm drunk!"

What's a brunette's pick up line?
"I SAID I'm drunk!"






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