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Author: Subject: What REALLY happened when THM got to 1000...
TarheelMike
The Immortal One






Posts 4845
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posted on 2-19-2005 at 03:22 AM Edit Post Reply With Quote
What REALLY happened when THM got to 1000...

[TarheelMike enters Parts Unknown. A bunch of OOsters are lurking around. He sees Operation Pajama Pants screwing with a picture of The Rick over on the far wall.]

TarheelMike: Hey, I thought you were back to being Operation Retard again.

Operation Pajama Pants: Damn, the board crash didn't get anything by you. There's goes my big re-surprise.

TarheelMike: It's okay, man. Hey, you ain't gotta hide it from me. You already told me about the trick to getting in the Club, man. The door's behind the picture.

Operation Pajama Pants: Oh yeah...

[THM and OPP walk thru the door and into the 1000 club, where all the OO Forums legends have been awaiting his big arrival.]

1000 Club Members: [applause]

TarheelMike: Damn! All this for me?

MicroPlay_24: Hell yeah. We knew we were going to have a second chance at this, so we decided to go all out. All the bells and whistles.

FusionFistCutter: Hookers, too.

TarheelMike: Oh, well, that's good to know.

ModSquad: Yeah, it's good to have a guy in here that hasn't pissed off too many people.

Bonestein: You mean, like bigfatgoalie?

bigfatgoalie: No, he means like you, Bonestein.

[Bones and BFG get into a fight and ModSquad has to haul them away and shake his finger at them.]

ConcreteTG: Hey, you wanna go to a show with me?

TarheelMike: Which one?

ConcreteTG: I don't know. But I've got tickets for like 20 shows in the next three months.

TarheelMike: I don't know. Let me get a drink, and I'll let you know later. Who's tendin' this bar?

2Hot: I am.

TarheelMike: Can Canucks mix drinks?

2Hot: Here...[slides THM a glass of something]...try this.

[THM takes a drink, and spits it right back out.]

TarheelMike: What the fuck was that?

borntorun: Oh, that was just my urine.

Krydor: Man, we get the newcomers everytime with that one...

2Hot: For real, try this one...[slides THM another drink]

[THM tries again, and the slow grin on his face tells you that he's happy with it. THM takes a walk around the place and comes across a fellow in the corner crying.]

TarheelMike: Dude, what's wrong?

angstboy: That fucking Bettman! The fucking players! Everything is wrong!

TarheelMike: Man, a Southern boy like me don't know much about hockey, but I do know that one of these drinks can't hurt. Go get one, it's on me.

[Angstboy wipes his tears and goes to the bar. THM continues around and sits on the huge sofa in front of the obscenely expensive Eli-Tron 7000, the 167 inch TV in the main lounge. He grabs the remote and flips thru the channels. A fellow sits on the other end of the sofa.]

TarheelMike: Can I get a Carolina game on this damn thing?

BoerboelLVR: I don't know. Want some sweaty man love?

TarheelMike: Man, get the fuck away from me!

BoerboelLVR: It's a joke, man. Doesn't everyone realize that by now.

Denethor: No.

doublee: [enters room] It's on channel 764.

TarheelMike: Hey, you live in North Carolina right?

doublee: Yeah, Raleigh.

TarheelMike: STATE SUCKS!!

doublee: Damn, man, you ain't gotta take it so personally. [leaves]

[THM flips the game on an an Asian guy walks in.]

salmonjunkie: So, you're the new guy, huh?

TarheelMike: Yeah, that's me. Don't you have like a million posts here?

salmonjunkie: Uh, yeah. Have I ever showed you the picture of me and Virgil [salmonjunkie shows THM the picture. THM spills his drink and rolls on the floor laughing.] Come on, man. Let me get you another drink.

[THM and salmonjunkie make their way to the bar.]

TarheelMike: So what do you know about these lunatics up in here?

salmonjunkie: Okay, you see that guy there in the Curt Schilling jersey sorting through those baseball cards? That's Ultra Magnus. Unless you're gonna tell him that the Jeter sucks and that the Sox rule all, or that President Bush is a moron, don't even bother with him. He won't bother with you.

TarheelMike: Okay.

salmonjunkie: And the guy with the big sheet of drawing paper with wrestlers' names and lines everywhere, that's MrJustinB. All he ever does is link guys together in that one thread, you know? He's all right.

TarheelMike: Okay, who's that James Dean looking guy?

salmonjunkie: That's the Pope.

TarheelMike: Huh? I thought the Pope was an old guy in Italy.

salmonjunkie: Well, he's the Pope of OnlineOnslaught. That's the man. That's Jeb Tennyson Lund. I'll introduce him to you. Hey Jeb!

Jeb Tennyson Lund: What?

salmonjunkie: This in the new guy, TarheelMike.

TarheelMike: What's up?

Jeb Tennyson Lund: Do you know any four syallable words?

TarheelMike: Yeah.

Jeb Tennyson Lund: Do you use proper grammar and punctuation?

TarheelMike: Well, I goof every now and then, but usually I'm pretty good.

Jeb Tennyson Lund: Who's your least favorite wrestler?

TarheelMike: Is this a trick question? .... Randy Orton.

Jeb Tennyson Lund: All right. We're cool. Welcome.

[Jeb leaves.]

salmonjunkie: Good work. Usually he chews up cats like you and spits them out.

TarheelMike: What about that drink?

salmonjunkie: Oh yeah. Bartender, another round!

[2Hot sends some drinks down the bar.]

TarheelMike: Damn, this place is nice. I just...

[An ATV comes zooming thru the double doors and a human-like dog gets off it and snatches the drink from THM.]

ModSquad004: May I see some ID?

TarheelMike: What? I'm 21.

ModSquad004: I don't care how old you are. You could be eight for all I care. I need to know how many posts you have.

TarheelMike: 1000. See? Over there under my screenname?

ModSquad004: [inspects the screenname] ...Okay, you're legit.

TarheelMike: Are you the crime dog?

ModSquad004: WOOF!

TarheelMike: Cool.

salmonjunkie: Let me introduce you to this guy over here.

[Salmonjunkie takes THM over to a guy on a phone rambling about a salary cap.]

Slade: I don't give a damn, Bettman. If you shitheads don't get a deal worked out, I will hunt your ass down and step on your nuts! [hangs up]

Laner: Unless he's only got one!

salmonjunkie: Slade, this is TarheelMike, the newest member of the club.

Slade: What's up?

TarheelMike: Man, you hockey fans are crazy.

salmonjunkie: Slade, show Mike around. I gotta go pimp some bitches.

Slade: Okay.

[salmonjunkie leaves.]

Slade: Okay, man, you don't mind a crazy hockey fan showing you around, do ya?

TarheelMike: As long as you don't step on my nuts.

Slade: Okay, you see those guys over there wathcing wrestling? That's cpdevine1 and promoter2003. They'll be arguing later about workrate and bad booking. But they mean no harm by it.

TarheelMike: Who's the guy with the bunny rabbits?

Slade: That's OO Kyle.

TarheelMike: Why does he have rabbits?

Slade: Cause he's an idiot.

TarheelMike: Uh...okay. And the guy with the Yankees hat on?

Slade: Oh, that's LuckyLopez. He's a good guy.

TarheelMike: Oh, so THAT's the son of a bitch that beat me in the OO Bracket Pool last year?

LuckyLopez: Yep. Choke on that, bitch!

TarheelMike: [under breath] Man, fuck you.

Slade: Those guys over there are from Australia. That's Stormtrooper and outback jack. But I'm not sure if Jack's really from down there.

TarheelMike: He looks like Skinner.

Slade: That's cause he probably is. And that dude in the corner watching wrestling is benoitbrokemyneck.

TarheelMike: That's a pretty cool name. Did Benoit really break his neck?

Slade: I don't think so, but it is a cool name.

TarheelMike: Who's the guy with the bad drawings that look like a 5 year old drew them?

Slade: You must be talking about Omega. Now HE used to be an irritating son of a bitch, but he's come around and he's okay now.

TarheelMike: 2Hot, another drink man! [2Hot sends another one down the bar.] Any hot chicks in here? You know, I'm available again.

Slade: Yeah, I think I heard about that. Well, there's rasslinjunkie, but I think she's married again, and she's usually bitchy anyway.

TarheelMike: But, she's got a nice rack.

Slade: Agreed. And, really, isn't that all that matters?

[At this moment, OOMatt, Alana, PyroFalkon, Shastar, Canadian Bulldog, and Dayton Dude enter the room.]

TarheelMike: Hey, they don't have 1000 posts! How did they get in?

Chris is Good517: They write for the site. They have an exemption.

TarheelMike: Well, that Alana is kinda hot. You wanna go back to my place and watch a movie or something?

Alana: Uh...

[Alana slaps the shit out of TarheelMike and storms off.]

OOMatt: PEDIGREE TO ORTON!

TarheelMike: What did I say? Is it the alcohol talking?

Blown Spot: I think you were acting too much like Randy Orton for her liking, man.

TarheelMike: Oh.

Folby: Yeah, she don't like stupid guys.

TarheelMike: But I'm not.

metallikid: Besides, that's the Rick's woman.

[Jeb re-enters the room and everyone goes silent.]

Jeb Tennyson Lund: If anybody has anything they would like to say, now is the time to say it. Even you non-members up in the peanut gallery overlooking the club here. Feel free to comment. TarheelMike's gonna be passed out after 2Hot gives him another drink, so let's go.

TarheelMike: Yhank Tou.

[Edited on 2-19-2005 by TarheelMike]





“Pinson, with five. Looks up, drivin’ in. Maye, for the win... NORTH CAROLINA!! With point three seconds to go! An incredible shot!” - Jim Nantz, calling Carolina’s South Regional Final victory over Kentucky.

“FBIGORJAHSJDHFJGOGPDJSHCH!!!!!” - Mikey, calling Carolina’s South Regional Final victory over Kentucky

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FusionFistCutter
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posted on 2-19-2005 at 03:28 AM Edit Post Reply With Quote
POST OF THE YEAR!

And exactly how I would imagine an OO-Con should it ever happen.

Awesome work man, you hit everyone perfectly.





!

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microplay_24
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posted on 2-19-2005 at 03:39 AM Edit Post Reply With Quote
ok now that's how a 1000 post is celebrated...

Good job Mike, and congrats on the 1k.





Microplay - first ever OOWF World Heavyweight Champion

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Toffile
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posted on 2-19-2005 at 05:07 AM Edit Post Reply With Quote
That was great. Good job.






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outback jack
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posted on 2-19-2005 at 05:42 AM Edit Post Reply With Quote
Well done. Not to be confused with Well-Dunn. Help yourself to a can of Foster's from Lucky's cooler - the OOWF product placement deal gets an unlimited supply via fake Australians. (And hang onto some of the ice in case RJ uppernuts you. I'm sure she still has it in her.)

[Edited on 2-19-2005 by outback jack]






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OOMatt
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posted on 2-19-2005 at 08:26 AM Edit Post Reply With Quote
PEDIGREE TO ORTON~!





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salmonjunkie
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posted on 2-19-2005 at 12:29 PM Edit Post Reply With Quote
quote:
Originally posted by outback jack
in case RJ uppernuts you. I'm sure she still has it in her.



No, it's not in her anymore. She gave birth to it a few months ago.






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Operation Pajama Pants
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posted on 2-19-2005 at 01:20 PM Edit Post Reply With Quote
and here's what was going on off camera as slade was giving mike his tour...


OPP grabs salmonjunkie by the ear and starts dragging him towards a door on the far end of the lounge

SJ: ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow

OPP: we've told you time and again, junkie. we don't care how many board wipes artificially lower your post count. we know how many posts you really have and you're not welcome here anymore. now get back in that salmon club lounge where you belong!

SJ: but it's lonely in there.

OPP: we gave you a goat to keep you company.

SJ: he keeps biting me. i dont like him.

OPP: well you'll just have to treat him better.

SJ: the salmon lounge sucks. there's no bar. no hookers. not even a ginormous TV. it's just me, the goat, and a sofa.

OPP: what about the strereo with the extensive CD collection, mr music forum guy?

SJ: the goat ate the stereo!

OPP: well, sucks for you. now get in there!

OPP give sal a big boot on the ass and the junkman goes flying into the salmon club lounge. OPP slams the door shut and locks it. he's about to walk away, but then stops and puts his ear against teh door to listen.

[from the other side of the door]: *SNAP* ow! winston! stop biting me!


OPP smiles.





Official Poster Of The OOForum's 100,000th Post.

borntorun: getting punched in the cock by a naked guy is pretty arousing.

Visit OOWF.com!

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Slade
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posted on 2-19-2005 at 09:14 PM Edit Post Reply With Quote
I feel ripped off. I was completely misrepresented. I would urge Bettman to be patient in getting a deal that works for the league. I do not want the league to buckle or bend in a misguided effort to get a deal done. Also, since it is curling season, who gives a shit about hockey! Go, curling, go!

But, uh, good show anyhow, Mike.



Also, I think I should have been filming FFC's amateur porn debut in How to Pick Up hOOkers III, instead of talking to Gary Bettman. That would have made me look a lot classier.

[Edited on 2-19-2005 by Slade]





The award for the most laughable cringe-worthy attempt at clever colour commentary goes to:

"When you're dating The Architect, you start to get some more plans." - Renee Young, Extreme Rules 2019

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borntorun
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posted on 2-19-2005 at 09:47 PM Edit Post Reply With Quote
You should know better than to drink out of a cup that looks like this, Mike.



Congrats again. Enjoy the complimentary Taquitos.





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2HoT
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posted on 2-19-2005 at 10:47 PM Edit Post Reply With Quote
That was hysterical. Am I the only one who sees the irony in the Drug and Alcohol Counsellor being the bartender?





Who wants soup?

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Attitude Adjuster
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posted on 2-19-2005 at 11:54 PM Edit Post Reply With Quote
Cool place! And now I'm one post closer to joining.

Congrats on making it to 1,000 and not pissing people off in the process. You're my hero.





Sting is the dumbest man in wrestling. That's a well established fact. I'd personally find it offensive and out of character if Sting didn't volunteer to do the stupid thing.
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ThePunisher
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posted on 2-20-2005 at 04:16 PM Edit Post Reply With Quote
SWEET! Now I can't wait to join the club!

**looks down at the floor in defeat**

Oh, who am I kidding? It's gonna take me forever, because all I post in is the sports threads. Besides, I doubt my wife would let me hang out with a bunch of freaks like you guys.





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mooseheadjack







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posted on 2-20-2005 at 04:31 PM Edit Post Reply With Quote
I'm getting there. You DO let Moose in right?





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Slade
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posted on 2-20-2005 at 04:54 PM Edit Post Reply With Quote
Normally we do not let Moose in, but I will let you in if you give me your wife.





The award for the most laughable cringe-worthy attempt at clever colour commentary goes to:

"When you're dating The Architect, you start to get some more plans." - Renee Young, Extreme Rules 2019

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TarheelMike
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posted on 2-20-2005 at 05:03 PM Edit Post Reply With Quote
quote:
Originally posted by ThePunisher
SWEET! Now I can't wait to join the club!

**looks down at the floor in defeat**

Oh, who am I kidding? It's gonna take me forever, because all I post in is the sports threads. Besides, I doubt my wife would let me hang out with a bunch of freaks like you guys.


Why do you think I'm single again?

quote:
Originally posted by SladeNormally we do not let Moose in, but I will let you in if you give me your wife.


How about if I give you MY wife? Will you let him in then?





“Pinson, with five. Looks up, drivin’ in. Maye, for the win... NORTH CAROLINA!! With point three seconds to go! An incredible shot!” - Jim Nantz, calling Carolina’s South Regional Final victory over Kentucky.

“FBIGORJAHSJDHFJGOGPDJSHCH!!!!!” - Mikey, calling Carolina’s South Regional Final victory over Kentucky

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Chris Is Good517
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posted on 2-20-2005 at 05:13 PM Edit Post Reply With Quote
Sorry Mike. I think Moose has a wee bit more ambition in life than to wash dishes and drive around in his mom's pearl blue VW beetle. (he wants to be HEAD dishwasher)

Edited because I'm an illiterate moron.

[Edited on 2-20-2005 by Chris Is Good517]





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Slade
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posted on 2-20-2005 at 10:09 PM Edit Post Reply With Quote
I do not know, Mike. I think Moose's wife is a safer bet. However, if it would make the both of you happy, I will take your wife instead of Moose's, pending she tests negative.





The award for the most laughable cringe-worthy attempt at clever colour commentary goes to:

"When you're dating The Architect, you start to get some more plans." - Renee Young, Extreme Rules 2019

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AriestheRam
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posted on 2-20-2005 at 11:35 PM Edit Post Reply With Quote
Nice post man. I'd like to join but at the rate I'm going I'll get to 1k sometime in early 2009, so I guess for now I'll just be up here in the peanut gallery.





Have you noticed that in every group of people there is a guy who just knows shit? He has no explanation for how he knows it or any reason to know it, he just knows shit. Be careful around that guy, he is thinking of ways to kill you.

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whyme
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posted on 2-20-2005 at 11:51 PM Edit Post Reply With Quote
drops a junior mint into the middle of the group





Two Penguins sitting in a bathtub, one says pass the radio.

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ModSquad
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posted on 2-21-2005 at 11:12 AM Edit Post Reply With Quote
You haven't pissed off too many people? Congrats! Let's have a song. What do you drink, and what can you sing?





"The moment that The Rick tells me that I am in the wrong then I will stop. And since I have 10 years of reading his work under my belt I feel fairly confident that he won't since he is a proponent of thinking differently. Save the threats."

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birdyman47
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posted on 2-21-2005 at 03:20 PM Edit Post Reply With Quote
hey mike, man that was funny as hell....hey got a question for ya... i work for a certain financial institution, and this morning one of my files I need to work is the pending repossession of a 2003 Pearl Blue VW Beetle in Lavaca, AL....Its probably not the douchebag dishwasher's but at least there will be one less of them on the road!

[Edited on 2-21-2005 by birdyman47]





Sticking feathers up your butt does not make you a chicken.

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NNCW Paul Douglas
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posted on 2-21-2005 at 07:37 PM Edit Post Reply With Quote
I am never going to get in there. Unless some orders pizza or something. Then I'd have to become a pizza delivery man.

Awesome post Mike. Just, wow.





"Remember kids, a smart man knows when it's time to RUN LIKE A LITTLE BITCH!"

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TarheelMike
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posted on 2-21-2005 at 08:42 PM Edit Post Reply With Quote
ModSquad, I'll take a stiff Long Island Iced Tea and I'll sing ya all kinds of country songs.

And Birdy, I have no freaking idea where Lavaca is, but do you know if the tag number is by chance 29D182M?

And Slade, negative for WHAT? And if she tests negative, you can have her. She's pretty hot. Maybe you can get her some kind of role...





“Pinson, with five. Looks up, drivin’ in. Maye, for the win... NORTH CAROLINA!! With point three seconds to go! An incredible shot!” - Jim Nantz, calling Carolina’s South Regional Final victory over Kentucky.

“FBIGORJAHSJDHFJGOGPDJSHCH!!!!!” - Mikey, calling Carolina’s South Regional Final victory over Kentucky

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birdyman47
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posted on 2-21-2005 at 09:23 PM Edit Post Reply With Quote
Mike, Lavaca is just southwest of Tuscaloosa (I think, I'm up here in the frozen land of Minnesota), but sadly that is not the liscense number....sorry man, some wishful thinking there. God that would have been cool if it was the douche's car.

MMMM....long island iced tea
4 long islands+ 2 new castles + several shots of liquid cocaine = drunken Birdyman nearly getting aressted saturday night after telling a cop to fuck off

[Edited on 2-21-2005 by birdyman47]





Sticking feathers up your butt does not make you a chicken.

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