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bad jokes
williamssl - 8-28-2011 at 11:19 PM

What's better than a gold medal in the special Olympics?



Not being in the special Olympics.


Chris Is Good517 - 8-29-2011 at 02:38 AM

What's the difference between a pizza and a Jew?





A pizza doesn't cry when you put it in the oven.


williamssl - 8-29-2011 at 02:54 AM

Why doesn't Mexico field a Summer Olympics team?





Because any Mexican that can run, jump, or swim is already in the United States.


salmonjunkie - 8-29-2011 at 06:26 AM

What's the hardest part about eating a vegetable?


The wheelchair


Doktor Zlo - 8-29-2011 at 09:53 AM

What do Chinese people in China call Chinese food?


Food.


Thom - 8-29-2011 at 12:01 PM

Three pregnant blondes are talking about their babies.

The first says, "I'm having a boy - because I was on the bottom."

The second says, "I'm having a girl - because I was on top."

The third says, "I'm having a puppy."


Bonestein - 8-30-2011 at 04:15 AM

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get to the bukkake.


denverpunk - 8-30-2011 at 05:20 AM

What did the Mexican kid get for Christmas?







My bike.


doctorb - 8-30-2011 at 12:58 PM

The lawyer says, You know Mickie, we're going to get hosed on this one. I keep telling you that you can't divorce Minnie just because she's insane.

Mickie says, And I keep telling you that she's not insane, she's fucking Goofy!


Ron Bennington worshiper - 8-30-2011 at 01:01 PM

What does a room full of women with black eyes have in common?






Apparently NONE of them know how to listen.


doctorb - 8-30-2011 at 03:37 PM





Why is there no Disneyland in China?


There's no one tall enough to go on the good rides.





What's the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?

The position of the dirt bag.


[Edited on 8-30-2011 by doctorb]


williamssl - 8-30-2011 at 05:19 PM

What's the difference between Hitler and Michael Phelps?


One of them knows how to finish a race.


williamssl - 9-25-2011 at 06:06 PM

A pedophile and a young boy are walking in the woods. The boy says, "Hey mister, I'm scared." The Pedophile says, "You're scared?... I'm the one who has to walk back alone!"


Chris Is Good517 - 9-26-2011 at 03:50 AM

quote:
Originally posted by Ron Bennington worshiper
What does a room full of women with black eyes have in common?






Apparently NONE of them know how to listen.


Awesome.




What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?





Nothing, ya done told her twice.







What does a woman do when she comes back from a battered women shelter?





The dishes, if she knows what's good for her.








Please let it be known that I in no way support or condone domestic violence.


williamssl - 9-26-2011 at 03:59 AM

October is domestic violence awareness month. You're just helping make us aware a few days in advance.





What's the smartest thing to ever come out of a woman's mouth?

Einstein's cock.


Dynamicjt - 9-26-2011 at 10:17 AM

That was awesome, thank you , William.


doctorb - 9-26-2011 at 02:45 PM

Why don't you need to fix a woman's watch?

There's a clock on the oven.


salmonjunkie - 9-26-2011 at 04:53 PM

What's the difference between an onion and a hippie?

No one cries when you cut a hippie.


How do you know when a hippie girl is on her period?

she's only wearing one sock.


gobbledygooker - 9-26-2011 at 07:34 PM

What's the difference between a Porsche and a porcupine?

The pricks are on the outside of the porcupine.


williamssl - 9-26-2011 at 09:12 PM

Time to combine genres!!!


What's the biggest problem with being a black woman?

There's no kitchen in the back of the bus


gobbledygooker - 9-26-2011 at 09:20 PM

What's the difference between a Puerto Rican and a pothole?

You'd swerve to avoid a pothole.

How do you get a black kid to quit jumping on the bed?

Put velcro on the ceiling.


I also meant to give props to Tex's pedophile joke. I lol'd.


salmonjunkie - 9-26-2011 at 11:46 PM

what's the best thing about having sex with twenty seven year olds?

There's twenty of them.



What do you call a black guy who flies an airplane?

A pilot, you fucking racist!


doctorb - 9-27-2011 at 02:14 PM

A rabbi, a priest, a lawyer, and a boy scout are in a boat and it gets a hole and starts to sink. The rabbi says "we have to save the kid!" The lawyer says "fuck the kid!" and the priest says "Think we have time?"


atothej - 9-27-2011 at 02:45 PM

What's one good thing and one bad thing about having sex with a 6-year-old girl?

The good thing is you can flip her over and it's like having sex with a 6-year-old boy; the bad thing is you get blood all over your clown suit.


OOMike - 9-27-2011 at 03:29 PM

New German microwave, seats six jews.


Whats the difference between a large pizza and a black man?

A pizza can feed a family of four.


Two nuns are being raped and the first nun looks to heaven and says, "Forgive him, he knows not what he does."
The second nun responds, "Mine does."


A priest and a rabbi are sitting together on a plane, and the priest asks, "Have you ever tried ham?"
The rabbi responds, "Once when I was younger. Have you ever tried sex?"
The priest states, "Once when I was younger."
The rabbi smiles, "Sure beats a ham sandwich..."


Biff_Manly - 9-27-2011 at 08:19 PM

Skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little man staring at him, he looks down and says: '7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pounds of testicles, Turner Brown.' The little guy faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says, 'What's wrong with you?' In a weak voice the little guy says, 'What EXACTLY did you say to me?' The big dude says, 'I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each and my name is Turner Brown.' The little guy says: 'Turner Brown?! Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, "Turn around".


doctorb - 9-27-2011 at 09:51 PM

"Bend over."

"Ben? Nice to meet you, Victor Hugo."


salmonjunkie - 9-27-2011 at 11:34 PM

A white guy is in his honeymoon in Jamaica. At the beginning of his trip, he had his wife's name tattooed on his penis. When erect, it says "Wendy", and when flaccid, it says "WY". Anyhow, he went to the bathroom at his resort where there's a troth instead of urinals. He happens to glance over at the jamiacan guy next to him and notices that he also has "WY" tattooed on his penis. Hyped about this amazing coincidence, he says "Dude, you got a wife named Wendy too?" The jamaican says, "No, mon. Mine says 'Welcome to Jamaica and have a nice day!'"


doctorb - 9-29-2011 at 03:24 PM

Kid is sitting on his front stoop eating 6 candy bars. He's got one in each hand, 2 empty wrappers on one side, and 2 more candy bars on the other. A man walks by and is appalled. He approaches the child and says, "You're going to regret eating that way. Even if you don't get sick right away, you're setting yourself up for diabetes and blood pressure problems and kidney problems!"

The kid looks up and says, "Sir, I don't want to be rude but my grandfather lived to be 104 years old and still had as good a memory as ever."

The man says, "Oh, and he ate 6 candy bars a day, too?"

The kid says, "No. He minded his own fucking business."


salmonjunkie - 9-29-2011 at 04:37 PM

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?

One is white, made of plastic, and unsafe for children to play with. The other holds groceries.


denverpunk - 9-29-2011 at 05:55 PM

You all get two today!

What do Michael Jackson and caviar have in common? They both come on little white crackers.

A priest and a rabbi are walking down the street and they see a little boy across the way. The priest nudges the rabbi and says, "Hey, let's fuck this little kid!" Then the rabbi shrugs and says, "Out of what?"


williamssl - 9-29-2011 at 07:14 PM

I like two-fer days!


Why did the feminist cross the road?
To suck my dick.



What,s the difference between acne and a pedophile?
Acne doesn't come on your face until you're twelve.


edit: three-fer!

What is 12 inches long and makes a woman moan all night?
Sudden Infant Death Syndrome.





[Edited on 9-29-2011 by williamssl]


punkerhardcore - 9-29-2011 at 07:30 PM

A guy is talking to his friend about how he's getting bored having sex with his wife. So his friend says, "Why don't you try flipping her over, and fucking her in her other hole?" And the guy says, "No way... I don't want to get her pregnant."


gobbledygooker - 9-29-2011 at 07:41 PM

I just want to say that I've integrated many of these jokes into my day-to-day life and gotten many great laughs. This thread is great.

Why do black people always have sex on their mind?

Because they have pubic hair on their head.


salmonjunkie - 9-29-2011 at 09:07 PM

Why are black people so tall?
Cuz they knee grows!

(4th grade, y'all!)

What do you do when a musician rings your doorbell?
Pay for the pizza.

What do you call a musician who just got dumped by his girlfriend?
Homeless.

A down-and-out black man is going through a dumpster when he finds a lamp. He begins to polish the lamp and a genie pops out. The genie says "I shall give you two wishes!" The guy says "Only two?" The genie says "Yes, I'm racist, so you only get two." The guy shrugs, "always gotta put the black man down, huh?" but relents. "I have my two wishes. #1 - I want to be white. And #2 - I want to be up in some pussy all the time." The genie waves his hand and POOOF!, turns the guy into a tampon.


Paddlefoot - 9-29-2011 at 09:11 PM

Why are black guys always holdin' and grabbin' their dicks?

Because it'd be impolite to let them drag on the ground behind them. [/tripod]


joerizal - 9-30-2011 at 08:05 AM

An Indian, a Mexican and an American are onboard a sinking ship.

The Indian throws sacks of curry off the ship, and says, "It's okay. There are lots more curry in India".

The Mexican throws crates of beans off the ship, and says, "It's okay. There are lots more beans in Mexico".

After thinking for a second, the American pushes the Indian and the Mexican off the ship, and says, "It's okay. There are lots more Indians and Mexicans in America".


futurelegend91 - 9-30-2011 at 12:00 PM

How do you get a Nigerian to jump off a cliff?

Throw a cookie.



How do you babysit a black kid?

Wet his lips and stick him to a mirror.


Ron Bennington worshiper - 9-30-2011 at 01:10 PM

How many black people does it take to pave a road?


Two if you slice them really thin.


williamssl - 9-30-2011 at 08:24 PM

Pretty sad state of wrestling affairs when this thread is getting more action than the weekly wrestling show threads....




A guy goes to the bar and says to his friend "You won't believe what happened. I was taking a shortcut along the railway track, and I found a girl tied to it. I untied her, and then we had sex over and over again, all the positions, everything."

His friend replies, "That's great! Did you get a blow job?"

"Oh, no. I never found her head."






How did the nun lose her virginity?

She was raped





Whats black and blue and scared of me?

The 8 year old in my closet


Paddlefoot - 9-30-2011 at 09:12 PM

Jack and Jill went up the hill
Each with a buck-and-a-quarter
Jill came down with $2.50
That fuckin' whore!

or

Jack and Jill went up the hill
Jill came down with a load of man-gunk all over her face
That fuckin' whore!


Matte - 10-1-2011 at 04:39 AM

A gorilla walks into a bar and orders a banana martini. The bartender thinks this is a little peculiar and then becomes aware that he is actually dreaming. He wakes up and begins to tell his wife about the ridiculous dream he had. His wife just ignores him, then the man rolls over and begins to sob because he realizes his marriage is in shambles.



[Edited on 10-1-2011 by Matte]


Katie Vick killer - 10-1-2011 at 04:16 PM

How do you fit 100 jews in a small car? Two in the front, two in the back and 96 in the ash tray.

Why did the pervert cross the road? His dick was stuck in the chicken.

Why did the rooster go to the public toilet? He was told that's where all the big cocks hang out.


gobbledygooker - 10-1-2011 at 10:46 PM

Tex, Matte, and CiG are all sleeping in bed, Matte in the middle. They wake up the next morning and Tex and CiG each say they had the most amazing dreams where they were getting the best handjobs. Matte says that's weird, he had a dream he was skiing.


The Riot Act - 10-2-2011 at 12:10 PM

I love this thread. Here's a few more. Most of these I stole from Gilbert Gottfried's "Dirty Jokes" special.


A man goes to a whore house. He's only got $2. They say "Well, go up to the room, we've got a dead hooker." The man says "OK" and goes upstairs.

He comes back down a little while later and they ask him "So, how was it?" He says "It was fantastic. The only problem was that her nose kept running."

They say "Ah, she's probably full."


What do a gynecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common?

They can both smell it but can't eat it.


A man goes to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor examines him and says "I've got bad news. You've got cancer and Alzheimer's."

The man says "Thank god I don't have cancer!"


A woman goes to the gynecologist. He examines her and says "What a hole! What a hole!"

The woman says "You didn't have to say it twice", to which the doctor replies "It was an echo!"


A man goes up to his wife and hands her two Aspirin and a glass of water. She says "What are these for? I don't have a headache."

The man says "Good! Let's fuck!"


Dracula walks into a bar and orders a glass of hot water. He sits down, takes a tampon out of his pocket and starts dipping it in the water. The bartender looks at him and says "What are you doing?"

Dracula says "I'm making tea."


How do you get a gay guy to fuck a woman?

Fill her pussy with shit.


Three gay guys are in a hot tub. All of a sudden a big blob of cum shoots to the surface. One gay guy turns and says to the other two "OK, who farted?"

[Edited on 10-2-2011 by The Riot Act]


Flash - 10-2-2011 at 11:23 PM

Wow, some of those jokes take me back...

I had to google a few of these to jog my memory and along the way just stole a few.

How do you sink a Polish submarine?
Knock on the door.

What do you do if you wake up in the middle of the night and find your TV floating?
Turn on the lights and shoot the N*****.

The NFL is thinking of making all football's green -
They figure there's no chance a black guy will ever fumble something that looks like a water mellon.

A black guy is riding his bike along side a hiway when he gets a flat tire. A kindly truck driver carrying a load of bowling balls stops to offer him a ride, but says that due to insurance reasons he'll have to ride in the back. The guy agree's and hops in the back. A little further down the road they see another black guy carrying a TV who's hitching a ride. The driver offers him the same ride and he too hops in the back. A little further down the road some cops pull the driver over and one of them decides to search the back of the truck; He calls out to his partner - "hey, you gotta come see this... he's got a truck full of N**** eggs, and some of them have already hatched and started stealing".

A local cop near the edge of an Indian reserve tells a couple of hunters who've had a poor day of hunting that around these parts it legal to hunt and shoot indians. The next morning the two hunters wake up and decide to do some hunting on the reserve. Driving along they see an indian guy carrying a case of beer back onto the reserve when they shoot him, and then throw him and the case of beer in the back of their truck. Driving back they suddenly find themselves pulled over and arrested by the same local cop. They both wonder out loud what they did to justify being arrested as they only did what the cop told them they could do... The cop replies: "I said you could hunt them" pointing at the case of beer, "but its illegal to use bait."

How do you start a Jewish stampede?
Roll a penny down a hill.

Why is there cotton in asperin bottles?
To remind Blacks that they picked cotton before they sold drugs.

What do you call two black guys laying down in the street;
Skid marks.

What do you call a black hooker with braces?
A black and decker pecker wrecker.

What do you say to a black guy in a suit?
Will the defendent please rise.

What's positive about Africans?
HIV

What's the difference between a black guy with a job and Big Foot?
People have seen Big foot.

A black kid is so depressed at his color that he whitewashes himself to see what it's like. He walks in to show his mom and gets a smack round the ear for his trouble. Hurt but determined he goes to see his dad and show him, and gets the beating of his life. After fleeing the house he sits on a park bench, crying. An old lady comes over and asks, "What's the matter sonny?" The kid replies, "I've only been white for half an hour and I hate those black bastards already!"

What do you call a Harlem abortion clinic?
Crime stoppers.

What's it called when the police shoot a balck guy?
"He had a gun"


futurelegend91 - 10-3-2011 at 11:57 AM

This one comes from the fine officers of the Texas Highway Patrol...

Why are Mexicans like cue balls?
The harder you hit them, the more English you get out of them.

ETA: I just noticed that this is my 35th post in four years! Self high five for being the most useless poster on the OO forums today!

[Edited on 10-3-2011 by futurelegend91]


williamssl - 10-4-2011 at 09:00 PM

A little girl is watching her mommy getting changed to go out for the evening.
“What are they?” she asked.
“Those are mommy’s breasts,” the mother replied.
“Will I get those?” came the next question.
“When you’re a little older,” answered the girl’s mother.
“And what is that?” the little girl asked.
“That’s mommy’s vagina,” the mother answered, a little embarrassed.
“When will I get that?”
“That will happen at around the same time you get your breasts. Now run along and let mommy change.”
The little girl ran off into the next room where her father was getting changed out of his work clothes to relax for the evening.
“What’s that thing, daddy?” asked the little girl.
“That’s daddy’s penis,” he answered.
“When will I get one of those?” the little girl asked.
“In about an hour.”


punkerhardcore - 10-4-2011 at 09:24 PM

Little girl is in a barber shop, eating a snack cake and watching her dad get a haircut. She drops her cake and the barber tells her, "Careful dear, you're gonna get hair on your twinkie." And the girl replies, "I know... and I'm gonna get boobs, too."


salmonjunkie - 10-5-2011 at 03:28 AM

What's a blonde's pick up line?
"I'm drunk!"

What's a brunette's pick up line?
"I SAID I'm drunk!"


atothej - 10-6-2011 at 03:58 PM

A flight over the ocean has engine failure and the pilot comes on the loudspeaker to tell the passengers to prepare for an ocean landing. People get very quiet and brace themselves for the impact, but one beautiful woman stands up and says: "Are any of you on this flight man enough to make me feel like a woman one last time before we crash?" After a beat, a middle-aged guy gets up, takes off his shirt, throws it to the woman and says "sure, iron that."

A hot blonde walks into a bar dressed to the nines- low cut top, skin-tight mini-skirt, six inch heels, etc. The bartender looks at her and says, "looks like someone's getting laid tonight!" The blond replies, "what makes you think that?" and the bartender says "because I'm stronger than you."


joerizal - 10-7-2011 at 12:47 PM

From "Good Will Hunting". And I know someone has posted this on a thread here in OO. Still, this always makes me laugh.

quote:
You know, I was on this plane once, and I’m sittin there, and the captain gets on and does his whole you know “we’ll be cruising at 35,000 feet,” but then he put puts the mic down and forgets to turn it off. And he turns to the co-pilot and he’s like “you know, all I could use right now is a fuckin’ blow job and a cup of coffee.” So the stewardess goes fuckin’ bombing up from the back of the plane to tell him that his microphone’s still on and this guy in the back of the plane’s like “hey hun, don't forget the coffee!”


punkerhardcore - 10-16-2011 at 04:13 PM

Two guys walk into a bar. The first says, "I'll have some H2O." The second says, "I'll have some H2O too."

The second guy died.


gobbledygooker - 10-17-2011 at 01:43 PM

Science joke!


Thom - 10-17-2011 at 02:31 PM

I was wondering who else got it. And why.


gobbledygooker - 10-17-2011 at 02:56 PM

You never know when those 6th grade chemistry classes will come in handy.

Though, truth be told, I can't even remember what H202 is off the top of my head. Just that it can kill you. Since all jokes are based 100% in reality.

EDIT - Oh and a joke -

Tex's mom walks into her local sex toy store to browse their selection. After looking for 20 minutes, she finally settles on a nice big one in a shiny glass box. When she brings the clerk over to tell him the one she wants, he takes a look and says, "Ma'am, that's the fire extinguisher."

[Edited on 10-17-2011 by gobbledygooker]


salmonjunkie - 10-17-2011 at 04:44 PM

What do you get when you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?

Pumpkin Pi

[Edited on 10-17-2011 by salmonjunkie]


Thom - 10-17-2011 at 05:10 PM

H2O2 is hydrogen peroxide.




What's a tachyon?
A gluon that didn't dry.

A neutron walked into a bar and asked, "How much for a drink?"
The bartender replied, "No charge."

What did the particle accelerator say to the nuclear physicist?
"I've got my ion U."


mooseheadjack - 10-17-2011 at 06:40 PM

two guys walked into a bar, the third one ducked.


Paddlefoot - 10-23-2011 at 10:23 AM

Don't you hate it when you panic afterwards and end up accidentally killing the hOOker?


gobbledygooker - 11-5-2011 at 07:15 PM

How do you make a dead baby float?

Two scoops of ice cream, two scoops of dead baby.


salmonjunkie - 11-5-2011 at 08:49 PM

Three blondes are at the doctor's office, when it becomes apparent to each of them that all three are pregnant. One blond asks the other, do you know if it's a boy or girl? She answers "Well, I was on top, so I'm having a boy! How about you?" The second one says "I was on bottom, so I'm having a girl!" The third one says "I'm having puppies!"


williamssl - 11-5-2011 at 11:56 PM

page 1, dude:

quote:
Originally posted by Thom
Three pregnant blondes are talking about their babies.

The first says, "I'm having a boy - because I was on the bottom."

The second says, "I'm having a girl - because I was on top."

The third says, "I'm having a puppy."


Ron Bennington worshiper - 11-6-2011 at 01:14 PM

What's green and has 40 tits?



The dumpster behind Sloan-Kettering.


doctorb - 2-1-2012 at 10:58 PM

2 men are standing on a golf course waiting for a woman to tee off. She pulls out her driver and hits the ball 10 feet. She walks over to it, swings, and hacks it another 10 feet.
The frustrated woman looks up and says, "I guess all those fucking lessons I took didn't help at all!"
"Well, that's the problem," says one of the men. "You should have taken golf lessons instead."


sszanto - 2-7-2012 at 05:42 PM

quote:
Originally posted by salmonjunkie
What do you call a musician who just got dumped by his girlfriend?
Homeless.



One of my favorites!







What do you call someone that hangs-out with musicians?
The Drummer.


tat2djunk - 2-10-2012 at 05:08 AM

what do you get when you set a baby on fire?

an erection
==
How do you get a dog to quit humping your leg?

Pick him up and suck his dick!
==
How can you tell if your roommate's gay?

His cock tastes like ass.
==
How do you make a little boy cry twice?

Wipe the blood off your dick with his teddy bear.


gobbledygooker - 2-17-2012 at 09:51 PM

What's brown and in a box on Valentine's Day?

Whitney Houston




Too soon?


Thom - 2-17-2012 at 10:51 PM

Awww,


I LOLed.


williamssl - 2-17-2012 at 10:57 PM

What’s six inches long and won’t be getting sucked on Valentines day?
Whitney Houstons crack pipe.



What have a spider and Whitney Houston got in common?
Both are black and can’t get out the bath.



Candlelight vigil for Whitney


williamssl - 3-29-2012 at 10:33 PM

What do you call Trayvon Martin in a suit?
Dearly departed





And THAT'S why you don't bring Skittles to a gunfight.


williamssl - 3-30-2012 at 03:25 PM


gobbledygooker - 4-13-2012 at 09:53 PM

+1


Paddlefoot - 5-13-2012 at 09:29 AM

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

"Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, Given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?"

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters,

"No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."


doctorb - 9-28-2013 at 05:52 PM

Wow, read joke, thought about this thread, and I have to go back to 2011 to find it? Doesn't seem like that long ago.

Anyway:

An electron is driving down a motorway, and a policeman pulls him over. The policeman says: “Sir, do you realise you were travelling at 130km per hour?” The electron goes: “Oh great, now I’m lost.”


A programmer’s wife tells him: “Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen.” The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.